aaron12 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 This is a different scenario altogether, so all this talk is irrelevant imo. If you read his post regarding the night she told him she cared for him too, she clearly stated that she lied to him about not having feelings for him, because of her past problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 If you develop feelings for a female friend, doesn't cutting contact send her the signal that you don't give a damn about the friendship? And isn't your way also an all or nothing situation? If she still sees you as nothing but a friend after you cut contact, what happens then? You make it sound so simple, like there is no risk involved. Isn't it likely that the friendship will not survive this if she sees you as a friend only? This may sound stupid coming from me, as I am a guy that usually thinks it's not a good idea to have female friends. Nonetheless, or maybe because of this, I considered it a great loss when the friendship with my female friend ended. Pulling away is a risk.. the line between pulling away to entice attraction and destroying the friendship is a fine 1.. thats why this dosen't always work. But if you are intent on trying to get that attraction and you can't deal with just being friends anymore.. you either need to jumpstart the relationship or cut contact.. either way.. the dynamic of the friendship HAS to change or you will be miserable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Pulling away is a risk.. the line between pulling away to entice attraction and destroying the friendship is a fine 1.. thats why this dosen't always work. But if you are intent on trying to get that attraction and you can't deal with just being friends anymore.. you either need to jumpstart the relationship or cut contact.. either way.. the dynamic of the friendship HAS to change or you will be miserable. I agree that something has to be done if the status quo is making one person in the friendship miserable. It just sounded like there is absolutely no risk involved in cutting contact, and I didn't see it that way. Hence my post. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) I honestly don't mind a guy trying to break out of the friend zone. It can work, as we have seen here. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But I can also understand Cali's point of view. Why bother chasing a woman who needs to miss you before she realizes that she wants you? It just depends on what the guy is more comfortable with. That also raises a couple of questions. If you develop feelings for a female friend, doesn't cutting contact send her the signal that you don't give a damn about the friendship? And isn't your way also an all or nothing situation? If she still sees you as nothing but a friend after you cut contact, what happens then? You make it sound so simple, like there is no risk involved. Isn't it likely that the friendship will not survive this if she sees you as a friend only? This may sound stupid coming from me, as I am a guy that usually thinks it's not a good idea to have female friends. Nonetheless, or maybe because of this, I considered it a great loss when the friendship with my female friend ended. Yes it is a risk. Being around someone who doesn't return your feelings sucks. You either move forward or you cut contact for your own good. I've had female friends who I've fallen for and backed off until I was over it. We're still friends. No big deal. I've also broken out of the friend zone with girls before. I am friends with girls I've dated/slept with and it's all good. Cutting contact sends the signal that the friendship isn't working for you. There's nothing wrong with that. If she still sees you as only a friend you have two choices; get over it and continue the friendship or end the friendship because it's too hard. Both options are better than hanging out in the land of unrequited love forever. Duh! That's what being an adult is about - making the executive decision for your own good. I do not want to be friends with someone I'm in love with. I would rather cut contact until I'm over her and then attempt to be friends again, OR figure out a way to be with her. One female friend took me several attempts of cutting contact to get over it, but I'm glad I did because I know that we would never work out, lol. Another I got to the point where I knew she was waiting for me to kiss her but I never did because I realized that that wouldn't work out either. As for pulling away - I told Agent in the beginning that this girl sounds like trouble. She's obviously got baggage. Or maybe not - maybe he just plain put her on the spot and made her feel awkward because he talked about it instead of going for it - which is what I said in the very beginning of this thread! I wish them all the best. Edited December 8, 2009 by Phateless Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 all's well that end's well Link to post Share on other sites
ella23 Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 She may have some emotional issues, but I don't think that should make you want to run away from her. Her problems were genuine after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 I'm okay with her past, it's not like she did something wrong after all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 this case is more an exception than the norm. I agree that it wasn't the regular friendzone. Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 this case is more an exception than the norm. I agree that it wasn't the regular friendzone. If this is the exception.. then its rare.. if so.. how did so many come to the same conclusion and give the same advice? Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 because it was the only way to get things to work out differently Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 because it was the only way to get things to work out differently Then its common enough for everyone to know how to deal with the situation.. (except those that haven't gone through it yet) so not much of an exception imo. Now the next girl/time something like this occurs where the girl is interested but not ready to step up.. agentsmith knows what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 it just doesn't seem that common to me really here agent was never in the friendzone anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 it just doesn't seem that common to me really here agent was never in the friendzone anyway. If they are hanging out but not romantically involved.. that sounds like typical friendzone to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 it just doesn't seem that common to me really here agent was never in the friendzone anyway. He didn't know that. How often do guys hear the "let's just be friends" speech and give up? ALL THE TIME. I bet a good portion of those could be reversed if those guys had done what Agent here did. Link to post Share on other sites
gypsy_nicky Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 A very good example for this thread is a thread I started way back 'what is confident persistence'-where you pursue an ambigious woman. Trialbyfire replied to this and actually fell for the man that chased her. Other people that replied were quick to brush off something like this happening to them, because of 'common knowledge'. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 A very good example for this thread is a thread I started way back 'what is confident persistence'-where you pursue an ambigious woman. Trialbyfire replied to this and actually fell for the man that chased her. Other people that replied were quick to brush off something like this happening to them, because of 'common knowledge'. You're confusing two separate issues. One is the friend-zone and the other is how someone allows themselves to be treated. In this thread, Agent was letting her have her cake and eat it too. As soon as he stopped letting her have it both ways, she stepped up. The whole POINT is that Agent stopped pursuing her. He screwed up by TALKING ABOUT IT in the first place, instead of just acting. I'm not saying this works in all cases, but it does in a lot of cases. The problem is when people try to pursue their "friend" by giving them everything they want at their own expense. That rarely works, if ever. If you don't understand the difference then you'll go on thinking that friend-zone is death. The choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
gypsy_nicky Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 An analogy to this would be not being able to see an evil person in a kind person-as nice as the person may act, because of the way they act, common knowledge says theyre kind, yet you start becoming confused because even though the person may act kind and their disposition may be kind the person does evil things (lie, cheat, steal, philander etc etc, think the players). The actions don't match the intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
gypsy_nicky Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 You're confusing two separate issues. One is the friend-zone and the other is how someone allows themselves to be treated. In this thread, Agent was letting her have her cake and eat it too. As soon as he stopped letting her have it both ways, she stepped up. The whole POINT is that Agent stopped pursuing her. He screwed up by TALKING ABOUT IT in the first place, instead of just acting. I'm not saying this works in all cases, but it does in a lot of cases. The problem is when people try to pursue their "friend" by giving them everything they want at their own expense. That rarely works, if ever. If you don't understand the difference then you'll go on thinking that friend-zone is death. The choice is yours. Its the same. Pursuing does not mean letting the woman know your intention of wanting to be with her. Its how you put your behavior in a proper manner to influence someone over. The OP did not know how to do this and kept on pursuing her by verbally pushing a relationship. The only salvation he had left was pulling back. If he had known how to pursue without explicitly stating it he may have gotten with her a lot quicker. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Its the same. Pursuing does not mean letting the woman know your intention of wanting to be with her. Its how you put your behavior in a proper manner to influence someone over. The OP did not know how to do this and kept on pursuing her by verbally pushing a relationship. The only salvation he had left was pulling back. If he had known how to pursue without implicitly stating it he may have gotten with her a lot quicker. I see what you're saying. Then you need to differentiate between pursuing and PROPERLY pursuing. If you pursue a friend THE RIGHT WAY, I'd say you have a 50/50 shot of getting her, depending on the situation. It's just all these people complaining about being stuck in the friend zone when they're doing everything wrong. I think A LOT of people who are stuck in the friend zone are ONLY they're because they're doing everything wrong. I think it's mutual a lot of the time and we're just too stupid or insecure to figure out how to transition it. Link to post Share on other sites
gypsy_nicky Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 that's why I wholeheartedly agreed with you brotha You understood clearly the situation (you know in some circles you would be classified a 'player' lol) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dnm Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 ^^Yep. This isn't the first time that I've seen something like this work. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 that's why I wholeheartedly agreed with you brotha You understood clearly the situation (you know in some circles you would be classified a 'player' lol) lol, ssshhhhh! Don't tell anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 true that most guys don't even try after the first time they are turned down Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 I made a career out of being politely persistent which is where my advice came from. The difference is the OP was willing to have sex at the first available opportunity where I preferred to develop some intimacy prior to becoming sexual. This made the process more difficult as most females respond and bond as a result of emotions created by oxytocin release through sex. My bet is, if the OP had waited (for sex), he would have lost out. This is an essential part of compatibility, which apparently they have. Happy to read Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 hehe I'm glad to read a happy thread for a change on here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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