Lastseenhere Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Hello everyone, this is my first post and I hope to get some helpful advice. I will try to be as detailed as needed yet as short as possible. Been with my girlfriend for 5 years and recently engaged for 3 months. Shes recently told me she is not happy anymore. She felt we lost the affection that we once had and shes unhappy in where she is in life. She is ready to get married and have kids but I work in sales and with the economy in the dumps I cannot afford to do so right now. Im going back to school so we can have a stable life. For about 3 months she had been acting strange so I had been tracking her phone calls. We have a family plan so I get all the bills. I didnt see anything wrong with who she had been talking to. She has a drinking problem and alcoholism runs in her family. Almost everytime in the past 3 months when she would get drunk we would fight and she would break up with me and give me back the engagment ring. Talk about how unhappy she was and how she doesnt want to be with me. She would say she loves me but isnt happy. One day she got really drunk and wanted to goto a friends house for a party after we left a bar, she refused to come home and went anyways. This party is always hosted by a really good friend of mind, so i know shes at a safe place. This happened again the other day, wanted to goto our friends house to party and I didnt want to. She snuck over there and i discovered the next day where she was. Turns out my really good friend has been talking to her for about 2 months how they want to be together. She has been telling all my friends how she isnt happy with me anymore and wants to be with this other man. The first night they were together there, they made out, took a shower together, then she slept in the same bed as him. The second night they made out but she slept in the guest bedroom. Before i found out about all this she realised she still wanted to be with me, thats why she slept in the guest bedroom the 2nd night. She came home crying, apologzing etc. She agreed to quit drinking completely because we know its been a problem. After we made up and she quit drinking I honestly felt our relationship just got 10x stronger. The next day I get a phone call from a friend and he told me all this info I just wrote, but he also said that she gave him oral sex. She completely denied it. She called him on speaker and asked why everyone is saying she give him oral sex. He said "I dont know its some stupid rumor blah blah blah" BUT he is the one going around telling everyone, yet on the phone he said he didnt know... I thought that was very strange. After drilling her with questions she said that maybe he saying that so that I will leave her and that he may have a chance with her. Because he does want to be with her. I know this because they secretly talked on her work phone so I couldnt track her calling anybody. I have to say she has always been very trust worthy and no one would EVER have though of her to do anything like this. She says she was confused in what she wanted and he was there to listen to her about our problems and eventually it started turning into something more. She is very remorseful, agreed to take AA and go to counsling for us. HOW I FEEL: I love this women more than anything in the world. She has always been my princess and she treats me so good. If i ever wanted anything she was there. Its VERY hard to see myself without her. I love her very much. I do believe she loves me but she did cheat on me. She is doing everything in her power to make things better, but im having a hard time accepting what she has done. It feels like a bad dream. My sister left her husband for a week after she was unhappy after 5 years of marriage. She came back to him and he was fully supportive and took her back. They now have the best relationship. I have talked to my brother-in-law. and she has talked to my sister about everything. My sister believes she loves me unconditionally and regrets it very much. Wow this is alot longer than I wanted it to be. It feels good just to type it all out. What I hope to hear out of this is people that have gone through this and have had a stronger relationship after such an incident. I hope everyone can understand what I just typed. Thank You Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 wow, i feel for both of you. may i ask how long ago she quit drinking? how has her progress in AA and counseling been? does she have a sponsor, worked the steps? these are key questions that will tell me a bit about how committed she is to not drink anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Sorry to say, but I think you need to accept as fact that she probably did more with that guy than you think she did. Cheaters almost never tell the whole story. My first impulse would be to kick her to the curb. Your marriage, which is supposed to be a happy event, is already damaged before it's begun. That's no way to start a lifelong commitment with somebody. If you do want to work on things, however, I think that at the very least, you should call off/postpone the engagement. You two have a crapload of issues to address. And she needs to get into AA, pronto. She will need to make herself accountable to you, 24/7, and give you complete access to her cell phone records (plus the phone itself), email, internet history, etc. She's betrayed your trust, and you need to make sure she earns that back. Trust is built by a consistent pattern of verifiable behaviour. If she resists this, you will have an excellent insight into how trustworthy she is, and how much of the truth you've actually received from her. I have to say, I'm very disturbed that she would go around telling everybody how unhappy she is with you. That demonstrates huge disrespect for you. Word to the wise. Lastly... your so-called "good friend" is a cockroach. Whatever happens, he's not worthy of your friendship. One of your non-negotiable conditions should be that she never speaks to him again, period. And neither should you. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 She cant control her liquor. Showers and messes around with your friends. Sounds like you have a real winner there Good luck with that one Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Btw Is there some kind of water rationing in yoru town? Im just wondering where in the country chicks take showers with guys they dont even so much as have oral sex with? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 logic in my world says - i only shower with a man after i've had sex with him... problem is - if she was drinking - she may not even remember what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 jb - we must be thinking alike tonight... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 You are a big fool if you marry this woman. She is showing you her true colors before you two are even married so heed the warning and break up with her right now. You don't want to be married to her with two kids and she pulls this crap again do you? Get out while you can still do so and keep your life intact. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 jb - we must be thinking alike tonight... LOL I think it would be easier to get a lot of girls to sleep with you than to take a shower together. Too body conscious Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 buddy,she cheated on you,and saying she's sorry? first off you do not know the whole story,don't care what crap she's giving you. second--your good friend needas a good smack upside the head. you take her back all she'll see you as is weak,spineless man. caught my ex-wife cheating right before we got married,did the usual cring etc. like a idiot i married her anyways, 8 months later caught her in bed with a family member. take some advice,and dump your garbage. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 buddy,she cheated on you,and saying she's sorry? first off you do not know the whole story,don't care what crap she's giving you. second--your good friend needas a good smack upside the head. you take her back all she'll see you as is weak,spineless man. caught my ex-wife cheating right before we got married,did the usual cring etc. like a idiot i married her anyways, 8 months later caught her in bed with a family member. take some advice,and dump your garbage. WTF Skeezy bitch Damn man Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 It is amazing how in denial you are. Do you really think women take showers with men and nothing physically happened. It is so true that people take showers before and after they have sex. For you to consider marrying this woman is beyond comprehension. Why not have her take a polygraph? She is lying to you big time. It is clear that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? It is time to open your eyes. If the roles were reversed and you told her you only slept in bed with another woman and showered with her but nothing happened? Give me a break. It is embarassing that you could believe her lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 I have to agree with being in denial. I would also have to agree that she may not remember everything. She has lied lied lied about this whole ordeal untill I pry everything out, then it was just flood gates of overwelming information. The night she showered with this guy they were swimming in a hot tob and supposivly he was wearing his swim trunks but she was nude. Trust me I DO feel like a spineless basterd, and its SICK how much I love this girl. 5 years of my life has been devoted to her. I want to find someone better.. but when she is the person that i think she is.. shes the best thing that ever happened to me. Its still hard to believe its happened. We can all agree that this is a very bad situation. I find it hard to believe that she did not do anything sexual but she is also not a very sexual person either. We have sex maybe once a week. Its just hard... I deep down want to find someone better... I cause im just so used to the same daily routine with her, it will be to hard not to have her with me every minute of the day. Yes im a freaking loser.. and i dont want to be alone I do have to say im impressed with the very fast responses on this forum. thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Dude, if you were just dating the chick, and a glutton for punishment, itd be one thing But fiancee? Dont be an ******* This bitch has no boundaries. She didnt even have the decency to mess around with a stranger. She did it with your friend lol. How much lower can you get. I suppose she could bang your dad, but shed probably just tell you she was drunk and confused....... And dont buy the bs. She remembers. And this was going on for months before it happened? Yeah sure ok It really is suck it up time man. Yeah itll hurt, after a while it wont, youll meet someone better. Get used to the fact when youd ump her shell be banging him or one of your other friends, because shes a skank and thats what they do. Shell probably do it anyway. And bro, kick your friends ass, wtf Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 It's really hard to change five years of your life but it will be even harder to change 20 years of your life. If you take her back the way you are she will own you. If there is no consequences for her actions she won't learn anything. Tell her you want her to take a lie detector test about this incident and cheating in general. See what her response is. If you choose to keep her around, cancel the wedding and make her work for you. If she isn't willing to do that then you know its over. last, she needs to cut the OM and all of her party friends out of her life Stop looking at her as innocent, men want to protect women and we look at them as victims. Look at her actions Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 hate to say it jerseyboy but sounds like you are completely right man. Its going to hurt a lot, but its ruined my life, ive lost way to many friends and my family despises her. She was going to buy me one of those new LED HDTVs tomorrow for an early xmas present.. maybe i'll take it and run nothing like saying your sorry by buying a man his gadgets lol Im going to see if I can honestly suck it up man, maybe I should leave and stay with my parents for a couple days first Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 Im going to ask if she'll take a lie detector and see what her response is. She is not talking to him anymore and said she never will again... Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 don't take the TV, ask her about the lie detector test and make her move out(not to the OM house) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 Well I asked her about he lie detector tests and says she has no problems at all taking it... I think this would be a great deciding factor on what to do. Anybody know how much a lie detector test cost? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Take the tv and then dump her. At least get something out of this trainwreck before you move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 I hope you asked her face to face so you could see her reaction but either way don't be shocked if when the time comes she backs out. How did you find out about the cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 yes i asked her in person. she seemed ok with it.. well see... i found a place right down the street that will do it for $400 Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 LOL You really taking her for a lie detector? Wow Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) Lastseenhere, Please, don't be a fool and stay with this girl! Not only did she stab you in the back, but she kicked you while you were down and all this with your so-called, 'friend!' Yes, we know you've been with her for 5 years, but you have no strings attached! Man, if this isn't a blessing, I really don't know what is! Let me tell you what's going to happen if you do stay with her. Since you've so easily got back together with her, she'll have even less respect for you now then she did before she cheated on you. You're basically letting her get away with murder at this point and who's to say that she's ever going to kick her drinking habit? Everyone know's that old saying, ' Once a cheater... ' Your life with this girl is ruined and you want to try and salvage it and marry her? Well, do what you will, but just understand that if it happens again, it's your own fault. Personally, after dealing with it in a previous relationship twice, I wouldn't do it again for anyone capable of cheating. I also thought that my ex-girlfriend was a life-time catch, but after looking at myself from the outside in, I decided to walk away from it and never looked back. I'm not with a woman I didn't even know existed! P.S. - HDTV and Lie Detector? What the hell is wrong with you?! Just walk away, you will feel better you did it, believe me! Edited November 25, 2009 by Javelin Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 What do you need a lie detector test for? You already know she's cheated on your with your friend, she's told everyone she knows that she wanted to dump you and get with him. What do you think the test is going to reveal that's more significant than that? If you need a lie detector test to determine whether you should trust your gf, that should tell you everything you need to know about your gf. DUMP HER. Because she may be all tears and sorry now, but a year or two down the line when she gets "unhappy" again, there will be some other guy she turns to for comfort and sex. Do you really want to be married to her with that fear and uncertainty hanging over your head like the Sword of Damocles forever? Link to post Share on other sites
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