Author Lastseenhere Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 [/b] you are right, you didn't deserve to be treated so badly. thing is, it's ultimately HER problem - and she has to do something about it. you cannot fix this for her... is she doing any counseling? she has a lot to do before you should consider seeing her again, if ever. i sure as heck wouldn't give her the inclination that things are all ok - that just encourages her for more of the same old behavior you've just experienced... sorry is not nearly enough. She has not seeked counsling... and i already have giving her the inclination that after a week or two i should be ready to get back with her... Im doing this for the both of us, making sure she really wants to be with me and I really want to be with her. If I do, i need to stop throwing it in her face all the time... I have a couple dinner dates with 2 girls i met, It feels nice to go out and talk to other girls but I feel so guilty and HATE to think that she would be doing something similar. But i also feel that seeing other girls may help with my decision.... I dunno, I'm beyond consfused at the moment.... Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) She has not seeked counsling... and i already have giving her the inclination that after a week or two i should be ready to get back with her... Im doing this for the both of us, making sure she really wants to be with me and I really want to be with her. If I do, i need to stop throwing it in her face all the time... I have a couple dinner dates with 2 girls i met, It feels nice to go out and talk to other girls but I feel so guilty and HATE to think that she would be doing something similar. But i also feel that seeing other girls may help with my decision.... I dunno, I'm beyond consfused at the moment.... Lastseenhere, you are both mixed up. She perhaps more than you. You clearly love your fiancée. It must be hard for you to square that with the vilified harlot that she is being seen as on here.. after all this is the woman you love. Like everyone else here, I think it is a disaster waiting to happen if you go ahead and marry. For sure. FOR SURE. Your Fiancée drinks to excess for a reason.. Or reasons. She probably has low self esteem deep down and this is her way of coping with that and also her stick to beat herself. I think she loves you and wants to marry you in earnest. But she is pressing the self destruct button too often because it is what she does right now. I think she is self sabotaging a fabulous thing in her life because deep down she does not feel worthy if such happiness. But that still does not equate to you having any part in it...to get caught in her problems. She is a human being with issues. She hurt you and will do so again because she is hurt and is self sabotaging. This will not make a happy partnership. But you know that and you are not ready to let go. You don't have to hate her to stop the wedding. Just understand that she is not in the right place to be getting married. You clearly are moving on. You have tested the waters and realised that you can still pull, and are excited by the prospect. But you want the security of her too. You are confused, but making steps to let go. It struck me that your sister cheated too. A woman you respect behaved that was and it makes being cheated on more acceptable. Was there more cheating and betrayals around you...from earlier?.. It seems like home teritory for you. It all adds to your confusion perhaps. Please at least postpone the marriage. Figure out what you want. Good luck Lastseen. Edited December 13, 2009 by Brightmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 Brightmoon, Your post made me understand more about the situation than I could actually comprehend myself. Thank you for that post! I have to admint, being out of the game for 5 years then getting 2 numbers very easily was so astounding! I guess I am better looking than I thought You're right about my sister, she made me cope with the ideas that people are human and make mistakes. I do believe that although making a mistake for at least 2 months straight is not understandable. We have not seen each other in a couple days but we do talk through texts. I will admit that Ive literally cried just texting. She talks about how I am her bestfriend and hopes this break will make us stronger etc... Which that may be the truth, but Im finally starting to realise that I will probably never be happy in this relationship. Its really hard because she is my bestfriend too. Before this whole incident she would have donated her heart for me and I believe that (not that I needed one) Well, its football sunday Im heading to the texans game with a couple buds. Football makes everything better! Brightmoon, thanks again, your post really touched me on a different level of understanding. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 Well last night I had sex with a girl I just met, I feel very guilty, yet im extremely excited at the same time. my fiance has called me 3 times today which is odd, I still tell her I love her. I think I may have really ruined it if I do get back with her. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Well last night I had sex with a girl I just met, I feel very guilty, yet im extremely excited at the same time. my fiance has called me 3 times today which is odd, I still tell her I love her. I think I may have really ruined it if I do get back with her. seems that way doesn't it? now things are more complicated because you didn't do things in proper order and you used someone to make yourself feel better for the moment. what is so wrong with being by yourself long enough for you to have clarity and to figure out how to be happy on your own? you will never be happy with someone else if you aren't happy on your own. now even more cover up will begin - and you are no better off than when she cheated on you... how does that look from your perspective? oh god, please say you used a condom... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 (edited) I know... I dont like being alone... Something sickens me to have the apt to myself and no one here. Now I have a heck of a time if its just me and the guys going out to the bar or what not. Its just being alone watching tv really eats me for some reason. My fiance and I have lived together for about 3 years, so Its what Im use to i guess. Yes i did use a condom... Well things are more complicated than I once wanted it to be... I guess all I can really do now is move on... Edited December 14, 2009 by Lastseenhere Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted December 29, 2009 Author Share Posted December 29, 2009 Well its offical, we are done She has learned to move on during our time apart... I guess the part that really pisses me off is that MY friends are choosing her friendship over mine. They call her to hang out now instead of calling me... this is ****ing bull****.. ive lost everything except my supportive family. Im filled with different emotions of anger/sorrow/sadness... I want her back.... Link to post Share on other sites
H1N1 Posted December 29, 2009 Share Posted December 29, 2009 Well its offical, we are done She has learned to move on during our time apart... I guess the part that really pisses me off is that MY friends are choosing her friendship over mine. They call her to hang out now instead of calling me... this is ****ing bull****.. ive lost everything except my supportive family. Im filled with different emotions of anger/sorrow/sadness... I want her back.... Sorry about the relationship drama but you're clearly better off without her. Even so, I'm sure that there will be times when you look back and remember whatever good times there were (assuming you had some of those moments). As for your friends, sh*t, if they desert you then to hell with them. I could stand losing my fiancee but losing my friends over a breakup would completely suck. I would waste no time telling them to piss off if they ditched you for her. Friendships are about loyalty. But don't ask for her back. Please. Link to post Share on other sites
Robin2000 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 For about 3 months she had been acting strange so I had been tracking her phone calls. We have a family plan so I get all the bills. I didnt see anything wrong with who she had been talking to. I know this because they secretly talked on her work phone so I couldnt track her calling anybody. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^the bolded above has nothing to do with alcohol or addictions or anything. In my opinion it is just plain conniving plans to deceive you to be with another guy. She could still be using her work phone to arrange trysts with other men. Read what I quoted over and over and over again til it sinks in. She actively engaged in behavior to keep you from finding out what she was up to while she was sober and at work. If she has truly moved on you have lost nothing and gained the opportunity to be a free man when the right woman comes along. also as for your friends...if they are the same friends she was showering with naked/giving oral to/trying to get her in bed behind your back then I say you haven't lost much.... Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 You just dodge a bullet. She wasn't worthy of your tears nor compassion and if almost your whole family despises her (except your sister who cheated too) then it's because of what she did to you. Even if they didn't have sex nor did anything sexual, just the fact that she spend the whole night with your friend naked while he wore his swim trunks, lied to you many times, talked bad about you to your friends and others, return the engagement ring every time she got drunk and overly defied you is GOOD ENOUGH reason to not be with her... If you had buy a lie detector test then you would have been the biggest fool on the planet. Do you really need to waste that amount of money on someone who isn't worthy of your respect???? Be glad it's over. It would have been hell if you had marry her.... Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Well its offical, we are done She has learned to move on during our time apart... I guess the part that really pisses me off is that MY friends are choosing her friendship over mine. They call her to hang out now instead of calling me... this is ****ing bull****.. ive lost everything except my supportive family. Im filled with different emotions of anger/sorrow/sadness... I want her back.... You will soon realize that not being in a relationship with her is the best thing to happen to you. Trust us! Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Everynight you should get down on your knees and thank God you did not marry this fruitcake. You dodged a big bullet this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 Guys I know your right. Also found out that she spent the new years with the guy she cheated on me with. That's who she wanted and I guess she has it. She told me herself they kisses again new years night. Ugh this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I'm so use to having her slept next to me it's unreal for her to be gone. I'm really hating life right now. It seems almost impossible to get over this girl. Yes I know she ****ed up. But everything else about her was perfect. Been drinking a whole lot also. My mother has been really worried about me cause every time she calls i'm drinking at the bar. I'm really ****ed up. Time heals all wounds. But this one is going to leave a scar that will follow me in my day to day life btw she bought me that tv a couple weeks ago anyways. Weird. She has the ring still so it's even trade. I also have 3000 of her money in my savings. And our phone bill is in my name. What should i do about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted January 10, 2010 Author Share Posted January 10, 2010 ugggh... im back again guys... its been awhile since our break up and im still a complete basketcase.. I havnt spoke to my friends in 2 weeks. You see we had a CLOSE circle of friends with about 10 people in it... im now out of this circle and she is in it with her new dirt bag bf (who was my best friend) im going nuts here... being lonely every night has been the hardest thing. I can hardly sleep at night and when i wake up shes the first thing i think about... Im an antidepressants but this stuff doesnt work... I have sooo much regret and I keep blaming myself for why this has happened. This is the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with and to be honest ive contemplated suicide. If it wasnt for my extremely supportive family i may have done it already. Its hard to believe I will EVER been normal again when im left with nothing but memories. No fiance.. no friends.. i have nothing.. I just want things to be back the way they were. my life is in shambles.. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 You'll find new friends, real friends. You're better off knowing the kind of people they are. And you'll get beyond this. 2 weeks is barely enough time to get over a cold, much less a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Dude just be strong and you will be better off. Her thing with this guy is a joke and it will end bad. Avoid all contact with her and just move on. Stop drinking and get yourself busy with healthy hobbies. Running, reading, and things like that. People have endured far worst, you will be ok Link to post Share on other sites
orangesean Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 ugggh... im back again guys... its been awhile since our break up and im still a complete basketcase.. I havnt spoke to my friends in 2 weeks. You see we had a CLOSE circle of friends with about 10 people in it... im now out of this circle and she is in it with her new dirt bag bf (who was my best friend) im going nuts here... being lonely every night has been the hardest thing. I can hardly sleep at night and when i wake up shes the first thing i think about... Im an antidepressants but this stuff doesnt work... I have sooo much regret and I keep blaming myself for why this has happened. This is the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with and to be honest ive contemplated suicide. If it wasnt for my extremely supportive family i may have done it already. Its hard to believe I will EVER been normal again when im left with nothing but memories. No fiance.. no friends.. i have nothing.. I just want things to be back the way they were. my life is in shambles.. I don't really post here anymore, but your story is making me feel really sad. I haven't been through exactly what you have, but I know the feeling of an empty apartment you used to share with another, and I know the loneliness you must feel. The best I can say is you have to think of this as a "fever" or a "sickness" from your loss of emotional attachment to someone you were close to for a long time. Not to mention you lost a ton of friends. I've lost a lot of friends myself as well from betrayal or just general negligence, but it didn't directly involve something as horrible as this, friends trading their friend for his ex-girlfriend. It's incredibly ****ed up of them to do so. So this is all a bunch of things crushing you that aren't your fault. You are going to be sick and sad and hurt for a long time until you get over this. The suicide thing I can completely understand. You probably won't do it, most people don't, but your mom has every right to worry about you. You are lost now, and you are in desperate need of a support base, even beyond your family. Drinking is probably not the answer as it may lead to some drastic actions, all of which will probably be wrong. Also, as others recommended, you can't contact your ex or your friends who sided with her ever again. The best thing to do is just walk away from all of that. It will eat you up inside. Why is this eating you up? Because none of it was your fault. You seem to be looking for some reason to blame yourself, but there is none. Maybe you can get someone to help you pay for a therapist? That really made me feel a lot better and understand myself and to control my emotions much better when I was in the dumps. I had to come to terms with going to someone for mental health talks because before, as a typical guy, I was always under the impression they were worthless. But it helps to have someone experienced in guidance. And really, just like any other sickness, as other posters have mentioned, you have to find stuff to do to kill time while you wait for this awfulness to pass. Whatever you are interested in or if you have any projects you ever wanted to start, this is the time. Many people have become successful grinding their way out of their periods of depression. Maybe go to some social workshops or events if you live in a city big enough to have that hobbiest type of thing? Dancing lessons are secretly a place where many broken people go after bad relationships. It's sort of like a way to force close human contact and meet new people. Maybe those will work for you? Anyway, yeah, your story stuck out to me. Seemed really sincere. I wish you the best, and speaking as an outsider, this is one of those cases where there seems to be no grey area, and you are completely better off without that girl or your backstabbing friends. Try not to sweat it so much if possible and definitely don't blame yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
pepsi Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 I'm sorry I agree...If you were just dating then if you wanted to try and work and give her time and goto counciling or her goto AA and give it time to see how it would work then I'd say yes, try to make it work and see if she'll change but she always accepted your proposal...She agreed to be your wife. I don't feel there is no going back. I'm ok if things happen while in a dating status depending on the situation and things that happen because you are just dating... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted January 30, 2010 Author Share Posted January 30, 2010 This thread is really long and only the followers of this thread really know whats going on.. I seen her for the first time in months yesterday. I gave her half of our savings money. Just seeing her really tore me up. She also decided to peirce her nose. Maybe she is rebeling, i dont know. She looked very fine and almost heartless. Its been awhile since our seperation and Im still very very emotional. I think about her every single day. I still have alot of people asking me where shes at because we were inseperable, and been together for 5 years. At this point I feel like there is no recovery. Ive dated a couple girls and I feel fine when im with them, but when im alone I feel so lost. There is so much going on in my life right now that this makes it even harder. Bottomline is, we are over, ive lost a number of close friends, and I HAVE to start a new life with new friends. A couple of my friends I have think im so spineless for being this way, but i cant help my feelings I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted February 2, 2010 Author Share Posted February 2, 2010 I don't really post here anymore, but your story is making me feel really sad. I haven't been through exactly what you have, but I know the feeling of an empty apartment you used to share with another, and I know the loneliness you must feel. The best I can say is you have to think of this as a "fever" or a "sickness" from your loss of emotional attachment to someone you were close to for a long time. Not to mention you lost a ton of friends. I've lost a lot of friends myself as well from betrayal or just general negligence, but it didn't directly involve something as horrible as this, friends trading their friend for his ex-girlfriend. It's incredibly ****ed up of them to do so. So this is all a bunch of things crushing you that aren't your fault. You are going to be sick and sad and hurt for a long time until you get over this. The suicide thing I can completely understand. You probably won't do it, most people don't, but your mom has every right to worry about you. You are lost now, and you are in desperate need of a support base, even beyond your family. Drinking is probably not the answer as it may lead to some drastic actions, all of which will probably be wrong. Also, as others recommended, you can't contact your ex or your friends who sided with her ever again. The best thing to do is just walk away from all of that. It will eat you up inside. Why is this eating you up? Because none of it was your fault. You seem to be looking for some reason to blame yourself, but there is none. Maybe you can get someone to help you pay for a therapist? That really made me feel a lot better and understand myself and to control my emotions much better when I was in the dumps. I had to come to terms with going to someone for mental health talks because before, as a typical guy, I was always under the impression they were worthless. But it helps to have someone experienced in guidance. And really, just like any other sickness, as other posters have mentioned, you have to find stuff to do to kill time while you wait for this awfulness to pass. Whatever you are interested in or if you have any projects you ever wanted to start, this is the time. Many people have become successful grinding their way out of their periods of depression. Maybe go to some social workshops or events if you live in a city big enough to have that hobbiest type of thing? Dancing lessons are secretly a place where many broken people go after bad relationships. It's sort of like a way to force close human contact and meet new people. Maybe those will work for you? Anyway, yeah, your story stuck out to me. Seemed really sincere. I wish you the best, and speaking as an outsider, this is one of those cases where there seems to be no grey area, and you are completely better off without that girl or your backstabbing friends. Try not to sweat it so much if possible and definitely don't blame yourself. This was an incredibly touching post, reading it over and over again almost makes me see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I guess the reason I blame myself is because she blamed me why she finally got to this point. Then i think back on everything and see why she says those things. I REALLY hope our seperation is for the best. What I really wish is I could say "screw that! why am I so upset over someone that would betray me" I really wish I could be pissed off rather than being so upset. I hope I can get more replies in this thread, I know its been long and drawn out but its been day to day venting here, everything in real time updates. ON the plus side ive done a couple things. Ive enrolled back in college this semester and going for my associates degree, Ive also been going to the gym 4 times a week. I really want to make something good out of all this. I also may have mentioned it before but Ive not become extremely close to my family for the first time in my life. Its unbelievable how supportive my mother and father and especially my sisters have been. Im not a religious person at all, but I am so blessed with such a great family. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 You're not alone. There are a lot of people here who have gone through what you're going through - finding out your partner's true colors and being devastated by it. Read some threads in the Infidelity forum and you'll see long term marriages being broken by cheating. At least you found out about her before you married her. It may not feel like it now, but you've dodged a bullet. Stick around long enough, and you also see that people get through it and move on to healthier lives and healthier relationships. You will, too. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 You need to treat yourself better. She cheated, she stoped being your best friend. You tried to hang in there, but your rational self new what had to be done. It's going to take some time, but you will heal and be happier for it in the end. If your friends chose her, then they were never really your friends. You can meet new, better friends. Look forward, yeah 5 years was a long time, but 10 or 15 years would have been even longer, imagine having to write a check to a cheating ex once a month, money ment for kids that she'd be spending on a new outfit for a date. Your so much better off, you'll see it. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 There has been so many positive responses in here I want to thank everyone for their support. Unfortantly I guess its my stubburness that wont allow me to let go and today is no better than the day we went out seperate ways. I still have the anxiety type feeling in my chest every morning when I wake up. Ive never loved some body soooo much... I know, i know... she ****ed up.. Why cant I be mad about it instead of upset??? I really REALLY wish I was mad about her doing this to me rather than being so devestated! Well; more positive responses are always welcome. This board is the only thing keeping my afloat right now, Ive read every post in here at least twice! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lastseenhere Posted April 11, 2010 Author Share Posted April 11, 2010 UPDATE Hello everyone! This story has been long and drawn out but I wanted to update and thank everyone for all the support. Its only been about 4 months since me and my ex seperated and Ive had the time of my life! being single has been the absolute most fun ive ever had! Unfortantly I may have settled to soon, ive been dating the same girl for a month now, but she has made me so extremely happy! I think i can honestly say ive never been this happy in my life. On another note, I found out today that my cheating ex and my ex-bestfriend were having alot of problems and they broke up! haha.. I was so extremely pleased to hear that, my friends say she is miserable and has gained alot of weight! haha Thanks again, this forum has been a life saver... literally.. Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 UPDATE Hello everyone! This story has been long and drawn out but I wanted to update and thank everyone for all the support. Its only been about 4 months since me and my ex seperated and Ive had the time of my life! being single has been the absolute most fun ive ever had! Unfortantly I may have settled to soon, ive been dating the same girl for a month now, but she has made me so extremely happy! I think i can honestly say ive never been this happy in my life. On another note, I found out today that my cheating ex and my ex-bestfriend were having alot of problems and they broke up! haha.. I was so extremely pleased to hear that, my friends say she is miserable and has gained alot of weight! haha Thanks again, this forum has been a life saver... literally.. your cheating fiance will probably re appear in 5 4 3 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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