Yelling and name calling/husband's temper

[Hedgewitch]

My husband and I more or less have a wonderful marriage and we love eachother to death.

BUT.

His temper is often really difficult to deal with and it really hurts me and frankly, is scary.

When he's upset, and sometimes he gets upset over small things, miscommunications and such, he's very prone to losing control, screaming, calling me names, making threats, trying to put it all on me, being unresponsive to communication, becoming destructive and just plain losing his ****. When he's really bad he'll do really mean things like mock me if I cry, call me the worst names in the book, try to make it seem like he lost it because of me, accuse me of ridiculous things, claim I am doing things just to make him angry or even get more angry no matter what I do- calling me a "cold b1tch" if I ignore him or a "crazy b1tch" if I try to make a rebuttal.

When he's angry there's no right way to deal with it. Or if there is I haven't found it.

Basically,

The only way I know to deal with an enraged 6'3 man is to just go upstairs and hide.

When I do he'll usually keep yelling at me from downstairs and he mocks me if he hears me crying and just continues screaming at me even when I don't answer.

 

I've tried everything. His temper makes me lose respect for him, fear him and not want to talk to him and he even picks on me when he knows I'm severely depressed, self mutilating, not sleeping or eating or just enduring trauma in general. When he's good, he's the most supportive, kind, wonderful man imaginable but when he's bad he kicks me when I'm down and there's no way to get through to him.

 

Can this be changed?

I've gotten into the habit of just shutting down and going into depression and that can't be healthy.

 

Incidentally, we are in our 30's, no kids, together 7 years, married 4.

 

Thanks in advance for all logical, friendly and non flamy responses.

[Boundary Problem]

He sounds like an emotional exhibitionist, from your description. Some people like to dump all their emotions onto other people, rather than healing themselves within.

Edited November 25, 2009 by Boundary Problem

[Hedgewitch]

So is there hope he can stop losing it in your opinion?

I mean, I'm no angel. I've had my moments of drama too but I'd like to think most of the time I just walk away and avoid hurting him. He really seems to have no control sometimes. Anyone else have experience with this? What helps?

[serialgf]

have you tried calmly leaving?

 

in my experience, being both the yeller/insulter and yellee/insultee that is what seems to work best. crying, arguing, hiding tend to escalate things. please do not take this as me blaming you AT ALL - but i also don't know the full story and am assuming as you said that you have an otherwise loving relationship

 

the guy i'm currently with HATES IT when I cry and after being together for almost a year, i've figured out it's because it: a)makes him uncomfortable and b)makes him feel guilty THUS it causes him to say horrible things he wouldn't otherwise say, which he then apologizes for profusely hours later and the next day

 

so now, when I am upset, I will either go out for a walk, or just leave and go to my own house for a while until we have both calmed down... THUS we avoid the insults/drama... brilliant!

 

acting calmly and rationally even when you are NOT in the wrong (which you're not) often pay off the best IME of course

 

i hope you will resolve this!

cheers,

sgf

[serialgf]

sorry i just wanted to clarify my above post is in me CRYING about something he's done or when we're fighting (made me feel bad, etc.) not crying in general (work-related, pet dying, etc.)... didn't want to make my man look like a sociopath

Edited November 25, 2009 by serialgf
specificity

[Ross PK]

He does seem quite horrible, even if it's only when he's lost his temper, but then I guess it depends on what you did, if you did do anything, since I think there could be rare circumstances where his behaviour may be understandable. It also seems as though this may escalate into physical abuse.

 

I know you love him, but I'd think I'd leave someone like that myself as soon as I could.

 

What about the two of you going to marriage counciling?

Edited November 25, 2009 by Ross PK

[Hedgewitch]

When his temper flares up at 4am i'm in my jammies, i'm not going to calmly go for a walk. I calmly go upstairs. I go to bed. But it never ends there.

He's willing to work on it and I just hope he can change because I don't know if I can take his temper forever and I don't know if I'd have kids with him if his temper issues weren't resolved.

Yes, i've done things in the past that did truly warrant a freak out on his part, but most of the time it can be something as simple as a miscommunication, a pissy mood or disagreeing with him.

He needs to figure this out.

Does anyone have a spouse who has successfully conquered his or her anger problems?

[Boundary Problem]

Just tell him to leave immediately. He's done for the day. EVERY TIME - never accept an excuse on the spot.

 

He may be welcome to return the next day or two or three, with an apology.

 

 

Any sign of aggression, any raised voice, any insults, any derogatory comments, any b.s. manipulation, any exhibitionism.

 

 

No discussion, just here's the door.

 

I'm indifferent where they sleep that night. That is their problem.

 

You'll have to do it consistently over and over.

 

Don't react angrily yourself. Don't even start a discussion about it (excuses, tears, I'm sorry = recipe to repeat)

 

Men are aggressive, they just have to be trained to leave it at the front door when they are coming into the home.

 

 

Don't take any calls/emails for at least 24 hours from him.

 

Male aggression in the home = lonely silence sandwich

[Hedgewitch]

Telling him to leave results in "NO. YOU LEAVE".

Me, I can't leave. I have nowhere to go and my dog needs medical care.

 

As I said before, I usually just "shut down" when he's like this and react to him in a totally calm and logical manner.

 

It doesn't help.

 

As I said.

 

Nothing does.

[Boundary Problem]

Ha ha

 

 

No. He leaves.

 

 

Don't confront him. Just don't back down. Everytime.

 

 

He'll get used to it.

[Moose]

It also seems as though this may escalate into physical abuse.

Emotional abuse is just as bad, (if not worse) than physical abuse.

 

Hedgewitch, I'm sure you've heard the term, "Kill em' with kindness" yes? Next time he insults you....agree with him and tell him you love him no matter what he thinks, (says).

 

Don't cry about it. There is a sense of insecurity when men lash out like this. Most of the time.....it's nothing that you've done, even if it is...don't apoligize for it and crawl into a box. (sign of weakness), he has to learn you're human!

 

Once he sees that his insults bounces off of you, he may hit a door...or a wall...allow him to self destruct. I know it will be hard, but that's what cured my outrages and I thank God for my wife's wisdom in not allowing my outburts affect her!

[Hedgewitch]

Boundary Problem: Sorry, but you're coming off as really clueless.

I work with aggressive dogs and it's the same thing.

Next time I'm cornered by a Rottweiler who wants to eat my face, I'll just calmly tell him to "please leave".

When my husband is having a freak out, as I SAID.

Leaving doesn't help, telling him to leave doesn't help, calmness doesn't help, freaking out back doesn't help, logic doesn't help.

NOTHING HELPS.

I'm looking for new information here from people who have had experience conquering anger issues.

You insisting that the answer is me "not backing down" and making him leave is literally as ludicrous and useless as the dog analogy.

 

Moose: tried that. He just mocks me and gets even angrier because he thinks I'm being condescending. I've tried the zen approach, letting the anger wash over me, being as serene as possible, even being sweet.

No, it doesn't help.

 

A good suggestion, but no go sadly.

Edited November 26, 2009 by Hedgewitch

[Boundary Problem]

snicker.

 

 

Then just call the police. Do not back down.

 

 

You want him out. The police will carry him out. You don't have to lift a finger.

 

 

I'll give you an analogy. Your one year old is up 3 times a night and you have to go back to work and you need decent rest. You have to leave the toddler screaming in their crib all night, for about 3 nights, and then miraculously nature takes over and suddenly the same child sleeps through the night no problem. You just have to be willing to go through the 3 screaming night to achieve success. After that the child will test you once every couple months. They NEED to know that the boundary is there and that you are enforcing it (and so do you for your own beauty sleep). It is all about consistency. That is the recipe for a happy household.

[Moose]

There is some underline problem then. Have you identified it? Do you have more history that may explain these outburts? Has he been diagnosed as bi-polar for instance?

[Hedgewitch]

Calling the cops on my husband because he's yelling at me is a little "Jerry Springer" for me.

Thanks for the input but no.

Thanks for the "ha" and "snicker" too.

I'm glad my pain is amusing to you.

I'm not responding to you anymore.

[Boundary Problem]

I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at his reaction if you follow through with my advice.

 

His jaw will drop and you wouldn't believe the size of the flower bouquet you will get from your husband when you decide to let him back in the home.

 

 

I know you don't like my advice. All I'm saying is think about it. What if I'm right. Wouldn't it be nice to exclude his BS problems from your home?

 

Imagine what an oasis your home would be?

[Hedgewitch]

There is some underline problem then. Have you identified it? Do you have more history that may explain these outburts? Has he been diagnosed as bi-polar for instance?

 

We have both had no success with "psychiatric professionals",

we both have unusual backgrounds (ex street kids/travellers)

and we both distrust therapists and the labels psych doctors have given us.

We've both been to countless professionals in our lives.

We've both been called every name in the book.

We both know we have issues we need to work on.

I'm more interested in finding a solution than acquiring more labels.

 

We're both nuts, know it, love each other and want to change.

Hopefully that will be enough.

[Moose]

We have both had no success with "psychiatric professionals",

we both have unusual backgrounds (ex street kids/travellers)

and we both distrust therapists and the labels psych doctors have given us.

We've both been to countless professionals in our lives.

We've both been called every name in the book.

We both know we have issues we need to work on.

I'm more interested in finding a solution than acquiring more labels.

 

We're both nuts, know it, love each other and want to change.

Hopefully that will be enough.

Been there, done that.....

 

Psychologists are just as messed up as the patient(s).....and these "professionals" depends on your definition. (IMO)

 

Medical Physicians is another beast all together and I'm an lover of science.... He could have a chemical imbalance that may be causing his out bursts, and please don't take this the wrong way, the same could be true for you as well....

 

Having a chemical deficiancy isn't a label....it's a physical condition that can be managed.

 

I wish I could offer you more...I could, but this isn't the proper forum for that discussion....

[Hedgewitch]

His anger and my depression.

A vicious circle indeed.

Obviously a chemical imbalance, past trauma and (insert reason here) are quite possible- past trauma probably being the most probable explanation.

 

But how do we move on?

What else is there besides zombie drugs, expensive insane psych docs who have not helped us in the past or just continuing to discuss it ad nauseum? Does talking with him about it even help?

 

Oh and we've both been on antidepressants in the past and seen a few friends go off the deep end with them.

Not going there again. Don't believe in it.

[Moose]

His anger and my depression.

A vicious circle indeed.

Obviously a chemical imbalance, past trauma and (insert reason here) are quite possible- past trauma probably being the most probable explanation.

 

But how do we move on?

What else is there besides zombie drugs, expensive insane psych docs who have not helped us in the past or just continuing to discuss it ad nauseum? Does talking with him about it even help?

 

Oh and we've both been on antidepressants in the past and seen a few friends go off the deep end with them.

Not going there again. Don't believe in it.

I understand. You may not believe it, but seriously....I do.

 

Yes, talking to him about it does help. We have deep scars of physical and emotional abuse from our past that continue to haunt us to this day, this shouldn't be one of the topics to discuss with him....

 

What is different between your situation and my own is that my wife has and continue to live in a "sheltered" enviroment, I am heart broken that you don't you have that luxury....

 

I constantly have to keep the mindset that there isn't anything I can do about the past and what has transpired then. "Today is the first day of the rest of my life" has become my daily montra.

 

"I shall pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show any human being, let me do it now...But let me not defer or neglet it: For I shall not pass this way again" is the first thing I read everyday.

 

You're not alone and there are people, one being me that you don't even know that cares about what you're going through.

 

Be patient. You've said he's willing to work on this....yes? "Knee to knee, you to me" is a term that I've learned to find out what pleases my wife the most. This has not only brought her peace, it has also calmed the beast within me...

[Hedgewitch]

Thanks, Moose.

I'm going to have him read that and maybe it'll get through.

We've both been through a LOT.

He's not a bad person, just a person with a control problem.

I can relate. I used to be really aggressive when I was younger but I figured that out. So I guess I answered my own question there.

There is hope. Just needed to see it.

[sally4sara]

He lacks control with his anger?

 

With anyone (depending on situation?), just a few particular people, or just you?

 

Has he ever beat on you or anyone?

[Hedgewitch]

He lacks control with his anger?

 

With anyone (depending on situation?), just a few particular people, or just you?

 

Has he ever beat on you or anyone?

 

 

Strangely enough, no.

The general consensus on my hubbie, is "gentle giant".

He's very calm, polite, sweet and genuine.

When someone hurts him he's very quick to burn a bridge but does

not pursue after the person has backed off and like me, he's had some fights in his day, but he never started them. He is normally a pretty mellow, peaceful, kind man.

I'd really rather not get into the physical end of it with me.

There's been some physical disrespect but I'm not really willing to talk about that right now. I'm not ready.

 

Nobody in the world is closer to him than me. That's a fact.

That's why it's me that he unleashes on.

Kind of like the fights I used to have with my Mom.

We used to have insane fights when I was a teen.

The more you know and love someone, the more brutal you can be.

 

I think we both just have to grow up and gain some self discipline.

I'm not sure how but hopefully...it'll come to me.

[threebyfate]

Hedgewitch, you know you're going through a well documented classic cycle of abuser/abusee, don't you?

[silverfish]

I agree with making him leave the house. That's your home & you have a right to feel safe in your own home. Talk about this before hand, not when he's angry. If you sit him down calmly and tell him that if he does not leave next time he kicks off, when asked, you will call the police / massive brother. Tell him he needs to go to anger management on his own - preferably with a male therapist. Then tell him if he doesn't agree to this that you are over.

 

I went through this for years, and he'll just keep doing it over & over until you end up thinking you really are a crazy b*tch. We're not together anymore, as I left him after 15 years. I think if he'd known that I would seriously carry through my threats to leave or end it, he might have acted sooner to address his issues.