Yelling and name calling/husband's temper

[sally4sara]

The more you know and love someone, the more brutal you can be.

 

This belief is what keeps you in this and it is the unhealthy residue of your past. I use to think this way too, but I swear life can be so much better than that. While yes, the more you know about someone - the more capable of finding their sore spots; this is not love. Love doesn't capitalize on the pain of the people they claim to care for. You said it yourself earlier. You avoid doing it to him because you don't want to hurt him that way. He doesn't afford you this. In fact, you are the ONLY person he see to denying this. And you've been through just enough personal hell to call this love.

 

I think we both just have to grow up and gain some self discipline.

I'm not sure how but hopefully...it'll come to me.

 

Your life success is not measure by your will to stand by this man. You do not owe it to him to see him overcome this. You don't know if he ever will. You only want this because you don't believe in a life with a different kind of love. Somewhere in you, is a child who thinks the only way to deserve love is to twist it out of the person who can't give it to them.

 

At what point do you accept that for you to solve this problem, you might have to walk away? He is not your only option. Altho he is doing a fine job of blinding you to this, isn't he?

[Hedgewitch]

I've put my foot down in a big way and he seems like he's truly seen the error in his ways. I will take this advice to heart and keep it on my mind in case he fails. I am hoping he won't though and I'll keep y'all posted either way.

 

I'm no angel. I don't want it to come off as me being all sweet and submissive and him being all big and angry all the time.

I've messed up in the recent past, but it's a chicken egg situation.

I felt isolated so I had an emotional affair. I'm sure my depression is just as hard to handle for him as his anger.

 

Bottom line is I think we understand eachother more now.

And if he loses it, I may just point him to this post.

[Angel1111]

Read the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled, 'Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men)' and then you'll understand the kind of man you're with. He will not change because he actually enjoys what he does to you. And he also knows that the more he does it, the more he destroys you. You're losing respect for him because he doesn't deserve to be respected.

 

Do yourself a huge favor and get this idiot out of your life forever.

Edited November 26, 2009 by Angel1111

[Ross PK]

Well, it seems that all you're left with is to either just accept it or leave him.

[Hedgewitch]

I appreciate most of the advice I've read here, but I think many of you have the wrong idea. He's not some out of control evil monster.

90% of the time he is a husband that stepped right out of a romance novel.

He's tall, great looking, strong, successful, loving, gentle, supportive, helpful, protective, non-possessive, sweet, romantic, attentive, open...

he's a wonderful, wonderful man. I couldn't ask for anything more.

He slips up sometimes but he is very keen on working through it.

We've decided that next time he gets angry he's going to read my post and I'm just going to tell him "I love you" to everything he says.

I think that may work. He's always been a softy for those 3 words.

 

Many of you seem to have the idea that I'm some poor, timid, victimized woman but you're not correct. What HE has to put up with sometimes is just as bad as his anger. Most of the time I'm a great wife but sometimes I get depressed. Dishes go unwashed, I chainsmoke in my bathrobe for days, snap at him, ignore him, stop cooking for him, close up and generally become an unpleasant, apathetic, b1tch.

Should he leave me? No. Has he stood by me and supported me through my depression phases? Oh yeah.

 

I used to beat on my boyfriends and my husband and I both used to be drug users. I fixed MY anger/aggression problem. I don't get into fights anymore and neither of us do drugs anymore. People can change. I'm proof of that.

He's changed for the better too. I think our past is a pretty good indication that both of us can succeed when we put our minds to it.

 

I'm going to stand by him. He is willing to work and I believe in him.

We met on the streets and this man has built himself up from a street kid to the chief tech guy at a very prominent media business and he has proven he can work to change. I've also told him I will not have kids with him for one year until he eliminates the behavior this post is about.

I will keep you all posted but let it be said I have faith in him.

He didn't give up on me, and I'm not giving up on him.

Mark my words....this will be history. My gut tells me to believe him.

Edited November 26, 2009 by Hedgewitch

[threebyfate]

Hedgewitch, also well-documented is that most abused women aren't timid individuals. It's the spunkiness within the women that add to the dynamic of abuser/abusee.

• She lips off to him or does something to set him off (these are issues within the women themselves which needs to be fixed).
  
• He looses it since she, for whatever reasons, has agitated an insecurity within him. So he uses force to control her, both emotional and physical.
  
• She fights back and finally cowers.
  
• The circle is closed, since he gets off on feeling powerful and she gets what she needs from him which is that love = pain.
  

The question is, can both of you break that cycle? If only one person is doing it, the cycle will continue.

[TaraMaiden]

No, I think he meant snicker at your husband.

 

My partner has had bouts of uncontrollable temper, and I've just grinned and shaken my head, and told him to grow up, because he sounds exactly like my 7-year-old brother used to.

"When you can talk to me like a rational adult and not like some petulant little schoolboy hurling toys out of his pram, then I'll talk to you.

Until then - do your words, because I don't give a 5h1t any more."

 

And I carried on eating my sandwich.

two mugs, a tea-tray and the hot tap in the kitchen sink got broken.

 

But it was the beginning of the end of his tantrums.

 

Now I know when he does it, it's actually that he's more angry at himself for being such a jerk.

 

You have to show that you can literally rise above it.

because it's ridiculous.

 

Bear in mind though, that if he actually does you physical harm, in any way, he's taken it up to a different level.

 

Then?

You can throw the book at him.

[TaraMaiden]

Sorry. For some reason my pc never showed page two up.

I was replying about the snicker comment waaaaaay back there.

 

 

But it worked for me....

 

(and I meant 'do your worst', not 'do your words'....)

[Hedgewitch]

Threebyfate: That is excellent data you've provided me with and I realize that he is not in this alone and nor am I. We will have to work together, as a unit to mend this thing. I will have to make sure that I truly watch myself and don't encourage the behavior in some subtle way. That is good advice.

 

Taramaiden: They ARE like babies having tantrums when they go off aren't they? I've already told him I will not live with a 6'3 baby for long.

He is embarrassed. Today I talked to him at work and he said to film him if/when he snaps again so he can see what an ass he looks like.

 

I am aware of the whole monster, sweet cycle and so is he.

But I'd like to think that we are intelligent and astute enough to really overcome this. That and we love each other like crazy...which is funny because we're both kind of loners.

He knows that I won't put up with the anger forever and he's terrified of losing me. That being said, I'm just filling my proverbial bag of tricks with as much as I can find because I will HELP him get over this and I am a very determined and tenacious person in general.

 

So we have- Reading this post, filming, not reacting and saying "I love you", being aware that I can affect the situation with how I behave and a man and woman willing to work hard to overcome.

 

I feel hopeful.

 

And for the record, I was in a physically abusive relationship before and I left him pretty damn fast. I understand the cycle. I would egg him on...I got used to the "sequence" and looked forward to the make up period (and make up sex.) It was a horrible, manipulative situation and we BOTH contributed to it.

I left. I would not tolerate my husband going there.

If he does that, have no fear. I'm GONE.

Edited November 26, 2009 by Hedgewitch

[Seymore]

I’ve been with an angry, verbally and emotionally abusive person, so here’s my story:

 

Like the saying in Cool Hand Luke goes: Some people you just can’t reach.

 

My ex would have these fits of anger. Over little things, she’d kick things, throw things (not at me), yell, curse, have an unnecessary attitude with others...but it really was unnerving being around her like this. When I’d calmly ask her to settle down, she’d claim she wasn’t directing that anger towards ME, so what’s my problem? Then I’D get an attitude from her.

 

Now, when it WAS directed towards me (and we’re talking over petty things or nothing at all), I got kicked out of her apartment, got cursed at and hung up on if I didn’t agree with her sometimes, threatened by her to leave me over dumb things (like my house not being clean enough for her standards), and sometimes embarrassed in public by her.

 

I didn’t like being treated like that, so 99% of the time I engaged in the argument with her in a CALM voice, and chose my words very carefully. This didn’t do anything. She kept raising her voice and having her little tone with me, and when I asked her to stop and SPEAK to me, she’d act like I was oversensitive and I was the one with the problem. Imagine two people arguing, one speaking quietly and one yelling. It’s frustrating to be the quiet, logical one, and I could literally feel my blood heating up at times. I wanted so bad to stoop to her level and let loose, swearing and yelling like her, but I didn’t.

 

I’d tried leaving the room once, and she accused me of running away from the problem instead of discussing how to fix it. Thing is - we weren’t HAVING a discussion! It was me talking, her yelling.

 

One time she’d started cursing at me, and I explained to her that I showed her respect, and I demand the same respect back, not being cursed to or at. She responded with a few more choice words, so I hung up. That made her even angrier and wouldn’t change a thing.

 

If we’d disagree about something over the phone, she’d get the last word in (I belive once, the last word was “F YOU”) and hang up on me. I texted her “Hang up on me again and watch what happens”. She didn’t take that well, either, saying “Oh yeah? Is that a threat?”

 

I responded telling her that I’m sick of not getting respect from her, so this is what she needs to understand and respect. Didn't work.

 

You name it, I’ve probably tried it. Eventually after 15 months of this, I left her. I hated to do it. It was a very hard thing to do, but there was no getting through to her. She'd quit therapy and was making excuses not to enroll again. She’d started complaining that I didn’t give her a second chance, but the reality is we’d broken up a couple of times over things like this and I kept giving her chances. After all that, I left, and I came out the a-hole in her eyes. A girl I truly loved - but with some very big issues she didn't care to work on - now thinks of me as the one responsible for her misery afterwards.

 

It’s literally not a winning game with some people. I so wish she would've swallowed her pride and instead of saying "This is how I am, deal with it" or "Therapy's a waste of time", she might've actually gone to and STUCK with therapy. And here she was always saying how I was her best friend and such a good partner. It sucks, but I wasn't about to stick around through 4 days of bad to have 1 day of good.

Edited November 30, 2009 by Seymore

[Hedgewitch]

I'm sorry to hear that happened but glad you did what was best for yourself.

I think it's a similar situation but not the same really because

it's not 4 bad days for 1 good day, it's more like 29 awesome days and 1 really ****ty one.

So far, so good, we're communicating well.

We'll see what happens next time he loses it...

and he knows what will happen.

He knows I won't put up with it forever and the proverbial vase can only be broken so many times.

[Seymore]

I'm sorry to hear that happened but glad you did what was best for yourself.

I think it's a similar situation but not the same really because

it's not 4 bad days for 1 good day, it's more like 29 awesome days and 1 really ****ty one.

So far, so good, we're communicating well.

We'll see what happens next time he loses it...

and he knows what will happen.

He knows I won't put up with it forever and the proverbial vase can only be broken so many times.

 

It wasn't always 4 bad days for 1 good day, but not a week would seem to go by without us arguing over stupid things, and the arguments and things I mentioned above were only part of the problem.

 

We all have our tipping points, but I'd have killed for 29 awesome days and only 1 really ****ty one. Not saying you ought to settle, because if it bothers you, you shouldn't settle. But communication is key - hopefully it sinks in for him. I used the exact same analogy with my ex (the vase)! Eventually - yeah, you can glue it back together, but it's not the same vase anymore.

 

I wish you the best of luck, and stick to your guns, maintain your self-respect!

[Eve]

The only suggestion I have is for you both to agree to an emergency plan. The plan could consist of key things that you recognise in each other and agree on a stragegy that you will hold to at those times. Btw, well done for getting to where you are both at and not bringing children into this. Also educate yourselves. There are a million and one books out there. Find one that you both relate to and find a path that you can realistically try.

 

I do think that you are placing yourself at great risk but sort of understand what you are saying.

 

All the very best,

Eve xx

[Krazysweet]

wow as i read thru this i couldnt help but think of my situation with my bf, whom i love with all my heart but his temper is exactly the same way, if i walk away, im running away from it if i stay n not say anything im ignoring him n if i yell back im a b***h (or something like that) and talking out of my a** hes really like a little kid having a tantrum n he agrees he has to work on it. I also am dealing with depressing and i have som days its pretty bad n i try not to take it out on him but as you may now sometimes you are just irritable, he has ptsd and hes a high stress person and i cant help but get relly angry when he starts yelling cuz some of the things he says really do hurt especially if im already feeling down. anyway im really interested to see how this works out for you because I too have the hope and belief that he can change this about himself, I love him so much and i dont want to end it because like you said hes not like that all the time he too is very loving, sweet, and supportive hes perfect in my eyes except for that one flaw and we both agree we need to work together him on his anger and me in my insecurities and depression, him being willing to change is what tells me we can find the answer. im working on my issues too and little by little i see improvement in myself which is great and i can tell he is trying too and its great but i still have trouble getting through to him.

[Angel1111]

wow as i read thru this i couldnt help but think of my situation with my bf, whom i love with all my heart but his temper is exactly the same way, if i walk away, im running away from it if i stay n not say anything im ignoring him n if i yell back im a b***h (or something like that) and talking out of my a** hes really like a little kid having a tantrum n he agrees he has to work on it. I also am dealing with depressing and i have som days its pretty bad n i try not to take it out on him but as you may now sometimes you are just irritable, he has ptsd and hes a high stress person and i cant help but get relly angry when he starts yelling cuz some of the things he says really do hurt especially if im already feeling down. anyway im really interested to see how this works out for you because I too have the hope and belief that he can change this about himself, I love him so much and i dont want to end it because like you said hes not like that all the time he too is very loving, sweet, and supportive hes perfect in my eyes except for that one flaw and we both agree we need to work together him on his anger and me in my insecurities and depression, him being willing to change is what tells me we can find the answer. im working on my issues too and little by little i see improvement in myself which is great and i can tell he is trying too and its great but i still have trouble getting through to him.

 

Your insecurities are the things that are keeping you with this idiot of a man. No, he will not change. No, he's not going to work on anything - he will just pretend to for short periods of time in order to stop you from talking about it, and here's a newsflash - even those sweet and loving times you have with him, they're also a part of the abuse cycle. Because abusers know that they can't abuse 100% of the time - they've got to give their target a break. So, here's the cycle: sweet, abuse, sweet, abuse, abuse, sweet, abuse, abuse, abuse. And I'll bet it's just like this - that the abuse has escalated over time. You're wasting your time with this jerk, and he's also the reason you're depressed. You have no idea how much damage this abuse is doing to you.