Wife cheating, personality swings, 4 months of putting up with it HELP!!

[mixedup1]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading and replying to some posts for the past four months now. I have at times, well just about every post given some detail to what is going on in my (broken) marriage. I never have given the full scoop, but now I am going to do it with as little as possible detail because it would take a day to type what has gone on I think. Oh brother, I think what I am looking for here is help in deciding what the hell is going through my wifes head. Why is she doing what she is doing, is it to me or do I just interpret it as being about me when actually she is really not intending it to be like that. It is hard to be the one being cheated on, at this point I think totally being crapped on is more like it.....but when your being the faithful one it's near impossible not to take offense to anything the person I married personal as to her actions in the affair....blah blah blah, yada yada....well, here I go.

 

Well, it all started around August 27, 2003, my wife left after we had a fight and I got fed up when she said "I am leaving and not comming back, and I will find me someone who cares". I said being irritated by arguing with her for quite some time....my fault there folks I admit not giving her enough attention....I said "good, leave and find someone who cares" DOH!!! Word of advice guys, don't ever say that to your wife. Well, she did move out, however, let me tell you this is not about why she moved out, I just stated the reason, I ignored her to some degree, I totally understand why she moved out and started the affair, her emotional need of being listened to was not met. I am guilty as charged, have pleaded guilty and still recieving the sentence I guess. She has accepted my guilty plea but she is so caught up with this guy, I don't know what to do, in spite of what she says her feelings are for me. Oh boy I can tell I am going to be posting way too long of a post......bear with me please, I will cut it as short as possible.

 

Ok, so she calls me a week or so later, says.."we need to talk" spoken in a tone of 'somethings wrong, please talk to me' type of sound in her voice, I was mad at her for leaving still, so I said "talk about what?".. anther stupid move...she said nothing I guess and hung up. Well, the tone in her voice really had me worried, so I called back a little while later. Now mind you all, I have been with this lady for 18 years, we both love each other like you wouldn't believe. I thought there was nothing strong enough to break us up, I trusted her totally to never cheat cause that was not her at all. I was so wrong. OK OK, not to get side tracked....well, she said she would come over saturday and we could have dinner. We did and I had a certain feeling she had something tell me. I asked " have you been seeing anyone" she said "yes" !!! I was floored, she said she had dated someone...I freaked out over her dating one guy. But then I thought, well, wait thats not that bad, I mean if there was not any physical stuff....she said there wasn't. (oh man, was she lying!!)

 

Well, we ended up making love most of the weekend, hehe, I mean some sweet, passionate, down n dirtay making love....It was amazing....but, monday morning as we were leaving for work, in the kitchen she said she had something to tell me....and I could tell she was very afraid, hesitant and ashamed to say it. She started to talk, but the words would not come out, instead tears by the bucket gushed....I got very worried, I did not know what she was about to say, but I knew it wasn't good....she forced out..." I had an affair" OH my God, talk about the worst feeling in my gut, like I was kicked by a horse or something! I did not know what to do...I was hugging her shen she said those words, I just remember my arms letting loose and taking a step back and looking at her. Then glancing at the floor as my mind raced, emotions of wanting to puke gathered, I stomped off into the living room and I can't repeat what screamed from my mouth, but it was not nice and I probably made up some new swear words at the same time....well, needless to say thats how it started.....

 

Ok so you all got the impression I was devestated, YES, if I could think of a better word I would use it. This woman, whom I loved more than anything in the universe did the one thing I never imagined could take place by her cause she was so perfect in my mind. I can't believe what has happened since then.

 

She continued seeing this guy quite regularly, each time literally tore me a new one, I had panic attacks, I was depressed, I did not know what to do. We would see each other very infrequently to the point of not at all cause she said this was the guy she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. OUCH. She has verbally put me down past a piece of crap, totally dumped on our marriage as if it did not even exist, I mean she has treated me like a worthless chewed up piece of gum (you know what I want to type) the reason is because I have tried ever so desperately to prevent this affair from going on further. I knew that if any guy got a hold of her and saw the person my wife is, they would never let go of her. She is a dream, let me tell you. So I pushed and pushed, which drove her deeper and deeper away...

 

Well, she has thrown me huge pieces of "I want you back" type stuff taking me up and then totally dumping on me to crush my heart so many times. I have only asked her to come home and try the marriage out again. When she comes to visit her feelings come back almost immediately, she is scared of this so she never sees me anymore. She says this guy is so good to her she doesnt want to come back. He treats her nice, and she is like a totally different person after he spends the night with her. I mean she is monotone and doesnt care about a thing...like she is drugged or something. I don't know where she lives, I don't know the guys name, she has been so secretive nobody knows his name or has never seen him, but he does exist.

 

She had told me it was a customer she had met, come to find out only 3 weeks ago, it is a guy she works with. Of course it is, I am so stupid I believe what she tells me....idiot <----me....so she has been lying the whole time about most stuff. Well, she continues to treat me like crap, hangs up on me , tells me she feels guilty about being around me and she is not loyal to me anymore...(no kidding sherlock)..

She says she wants a divorce, I have screamed at her to to do it then. She doesnt. She even put a protective order against me to stop me from pestering her. Man she is mean. Why don't I leave her, well, I love the abuse, HA!! not even. I love her people, I do I do,,,,I am stupid I know...But let me tell you, the Sally I married is not in this person right now...she goes from one state of mind, being nice and wanting me to telling me to F- off and she never wants to see me again screaming at the top of her lungs.... freaky or what?! But she continues to throw these crumbs at me when I become uninterested or appear to be anyway.

 

Well, I gave up finally, gave her a good bye letter, stating I was done being beat up on and tortured by her actions. I was sick and tired of it. I told her we are through with our relationship here on earth as long as we live. I was going to file for divorce and had let go as much as I could in my mind...all the sudden, she calls and said she is going to break up with this guy....HUH! ??? !!! ya right, I thought. well, it was confirmed through my bro. in law who is married to her twin sister. Well, I let my feelings come back she says to me "my feelings for you have never changed"....and basically says all the put downs and everything were a lie, and she wants to be back with me...well, she goes home, to her apartment and I call her and she is crying, I aske what is the matter, she says I have let the only good thing in my life go, meaning her boyfriend, I am like oh man, I knew it was too good to be true... then we start arguing, it wasnt pretty. Morning comes, I call her to see if she wants to go to lunch, she says NO, i have plans already, I am like uh....ok....then she starts getting hysterically mad, telling me she never wants to see me agian and to go to hell and to f-off,,,,holy crap....psycho woman all over again....well, she is back with her toy boy who is 10 years younger, she is 38....and I am hurt, furious, totally stupid still, but I still love her, SUCKER!!! I know it I know it....can someone tell me what the heck is going thru my wifes head and why is she so psychotic, and what the hell should I do!!!!! Thank you for your patience. This is only the tip of the iceburg......thanks again.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

What a sad post. I suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. From your letter it sounds like she has the best of both worlds. She has a lover she enjoys screwing and being with and a husband who constantly begs to have her back and is willing to accept anything to be with her.

 

There is an old saying: "no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change". When you talked about divorce she realized the consequences of her actions. I have a hunch that she now does not take you seriously and feels she can sleep with her lover and always have you to fall back on if things do not work out with loverboy. I hate to say this but she is playing you big time.

Hello she is your wife and she is screwing her boyfriend?

 

You made an excellent point that she now not the woman you married and clearly has no respect for you and your feelings or your marriage. She sees you as Mr. Doorprize if and when the young stud dumps her. I suggest for you to file for divorce and move on with your life. You have choices also. I am willing to bet that when she realized you are serious she will come out of the fog. By accepting all of this crap you are in fact enabling her to continue the affair. Why should she stop since apparently you are willing to accept everything. When you start respecting yourself and establishing boundaries then she will respect you. If you act like a puppy dog accepting everything she throws at you then there simply is no reason for her to change her behavior. I wish you luck.

[SoleMate]

Bryanp made some good points. I would also like you to consider the possibility that clinical depression may be a factor. It would actually do a lot to explain the mood swings. Can you get your wife into counselling and a depression evaluation?

 

Couples counselling is also advisable. You can do this the heavy-handed way: "Show up twice weekly for our appointments or I will file for divorce immediately after two missed appointments."

 

I hope that all the drama has not blinded you to your role in your marital problems. Your wife is not keeping her "fidelity" agreement, but you were not keeping your "love and emotional support" agreement. And she is not "imposing a criminal sentence" on you with her actions. So how about get out of the blame game and start fixing...or discarding?

 

Best of luck to you wherever your path leads.

[VivianLee]

I'm not a professional but this is what I'd tell a friend if they were you...

 

First of all, I understand your hurt and anger. I am so sorry that you have gone through this and that your heart is so broken....after joining this forum, I have read enough posts to know (and from my own past experience) you aren't alone in how you feel or are reacting. Although the situation isn't normal, the feelings and actions you have taken are normal....

 

Go and get a therapist as soon as you read this. You may need to medicate for a little while and you need someone that can tell you what steps to take to handle this. Please do this, men tend to stay away from therapy but it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of being a mature male when you realize you need help to get through this...

 

Is you are religious, got to church. A church family can sometimes give you better support than your own family plus good advice and help!!

 

Now, it's time for you to start getting back your dignity, I understand your reactions but there is a time when pride is okay to have, you've lost yours and it's time to regain it. Not by tearing her down OR doing "revenge dating" or "having one night stands" you are better than that, you've shown that by being faithful to your vows through all this! If you start to feel vengeful, remember this saying "The very best revenge is to do well!" You are going to show her! You are going to move on with your life, if she doesn't want you then fine, you'll learn to live with that, "her loss"...

 

It's over, there is really nothing left to this marriage but fond memories before things went to hell and back. Remember those. Dream Girl? I wouldn't think so anymore, more like NIGHTMARE!! Get that lawyer don't dare let her screw you over financially, you have been cheated on so you have pretty much ALL the rights!! She left, she cheated, she'll have to learn to live with her income.

 

As far as what's wrong with your wife, yes you made mistakes and waited too late to do something but she made mistakes too for the marriage to be stale and for y'all to fight so much. Even though you suggested find someone else, it doesn't seem to have been such a bad idea for her at all!!

Her age could be a factor in the mood changes, she could be pre-menopausal....my Mama went through menopause and several other people did too and they were moody and unreasonable BUT they didn't go out and find a lover or play games with their husbands hearts!!

 

Your heart is broken, your ego is flattened, your pride is almost gone......get up from there and start fixing your life, LET HER GO!! Show her that you can make it just fine thank you!! Hold your temper, don't beg, maybe as closure write a nice long letter about your years together and then tell her what a train wreck your life has become because of HER actions then tell her if she wants to get any messages to you, give them to your lawyer. Cut the blood flow to your heart that includes her completely off!! If you don't do it now, you'll be in a mental hospital with a breakdown you may never come out of, you'll be in jail from hurting her or the guy or you will cause yourself to become sick from so much mental anguish!!

 

One day, you'll realize (after it's all over) that you don't hurt as much as the day before, eventually music will sound pretty again, colors will become vivid and food will taste good.....you'll realize life has gone on without her in your life then one day you'll want to date and enjoy your freedom then eventually you'll meet your next dream girl and for your own good have a wonderful marriage by learning from what you went through!!

 

You're going to make it and be fine one day!! Give yourself a Christmas gift of getting this mess out of your life!!

[Cariel]

I doubt your wife's actions are actually directed at you, per se. At this point, she's probably just as confused as you are.

 

You admitted upfront that you had essentially ignored your wife for some time. No offense meant, but...Big of you. How long? The withdrawal of emotional accessibility is a form of emotional abuse, often used by controlling individuals to keep their partners unsure and insecure. Sometimes that will keep a spouse down and obedient for a lifetime...more often, it eventually gets pretty old, and love starts to change if not to die.

 

I went through something like this long ago (tho I didn't have an affair...I was so beaten-down mentally at that point it was the last thing on my mind) and have since supported several friends through similar situations. One of them began an affair shortly after separating from her husband, and her behavior for the better part of a year was much like your wife's - totally irrational, even to someone standing by watching with a hand out to catch her when she lost it. That particular marriage could not be saved, in large part because her husband swung back and forth between pouring his guts out to her and then withdrawing just as she began to think perhaps they could mend it.

 

In your case, couples counseling is a must. It will probably be hardest for you, because you will have to address the reasons you witheld emotional contact from you wife, as well as dealing with her affair...but it won't be any picnic for her, either.

 

I wish you luck.

[mixedup1]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate them.

 

well, lets see if I can clarify some things.

 

We did try a marriage counselor: she went once. that is all she would commit to.

She has wanted a divorce from day one. She is confused but really wants out I think.

 

I know ignoring my wife was terrible, I admitted guilt to her, apolagized and feel terrible for it. It went on for probably 6 months. But I did not go do things socially with her a lot. I just don't like crowds. She would go do things with her friends and her daughter quite a bit. I did not ignore her completely. Heavens no. She and I have always been close but gave each other our own space. I kinda got caught up in a game Motor City Online.....doh!! but she played it too. We had a great time playing it together. She wanted more loving and attention. I should have just gave it to her. I am so sorry now.

 

My wife will walk the other way if I even mention a therapist or counceling for her. She is afraid to see one I think. Cause they will tell her what she doesnt want to here. She doesnt want to hear what she is doing is wrong. Reality will hit her big one day, I feel sorry for her.

 

I wish she would want to mend the marriage, but she even says too much has happened in the past four months for it to work. She is in her own little world now. It's creepy for me in a way, cause she is still my wife, I love her with all my heart but she is in a world I don't exist in. Sad is another word for it.

 

I wish her the best, I am mad at her yes, but I contributed to it initially. She played a role as well. Takes two to tango. I just wish she wanted to work it out a little bit. I can't believe she is just throwing everything we had away like this. She only dwells on the negative aspects of our 18 years which were probably the last 2 years of it. They were still good, I think our marriage was a heck of a lot happier than most. I just don't know why she dwells on the negative parts only.

Well, sheesh, I do need to let this go, I know...talk about hard thing to do...

 

I am going to see a therapist sometime soon. I have some issues I believe that I need to work out. I have a heart that needs a few stitches in as well : )

 

 

Hey, thanks people, your great. I really appreciate your concern.

[TMCM]

I just don't know why she dwells on the negative parts only.

 

Because that's the only way she can justify the continuation of her affair.

 

I'm not surprised that MC(marriage counseling) did not work because as long as she is involved with the OM(other man), MC will continue to be an exercise in futility.

 

If your marriage is to survive and be rebuilt, she must agree and commit to end her affair and end all contact with the OM FOREVER. As you've seen for yourself, any continued contact the OM will not only prolong the pain of her withdrawl but will emotionally put her back to square one.

 

Even if you do chose to divorce her, that doesn't mean that re-marriage is out of the question. The divorce is more of a legal transaction than an emotional one. On the average it takes at least 2 years after the divorce is finalized to finally and totally end all feelings of love for the ex-spouse and move one with ones life, and in that interim the woman you once love may come back to you.

 

Good luck.

[mixedup1]

Just an update:

 

I have gone to see a psychotherapist, i guess thats a therapist for psychos, hehe..so ...umm, yes, sometimes. The appointment was rather interesting. I want to try and get my wife and all off the frontal lobe continually. I want to get the anger and resentment and guilt off my shoulders and have pleasant thoughts and focus on being more positive about myself. It makes sense what she says but actually doing it will take some time but I am glad I am doing something about it.

 

My wife and I met a couple times today. I hadn't spoken with her for a little over a week, but it was nice to see her. She seemed a little drawn back and mellow for a while. We spoke to each other on the phone and she had slipped back into evil personality mode and words were exchanged blame was shot at each other and well, it was not the most productive conversation. She really feels that divorce and sticking with this guy is the right thing for her to do. I would like her to at least try to reconcile our marriage. She is so into this guy and out of our marriage confusion is making her stressed..She is becomming more open minded about reading some literature on affairs etc.. so thats a good forward movt towards something.

 

She agreed to recind the protective order if we just did a non contested divorce. I am hurting in the funds dept so that sounded great. I d/l the papers and took them to her work. Tears streaming down the face the whole way. I was pretty sad. But we did talk a little more and she just doesnt believe me that she won't be igored after a while. She is also concerned about whether or not she is thinking of commig back because she hurt me so much, or because whe is not sure if she loves me still.. ouch. either way it hurts. She is looking over the papers and most likey will file them. I feel ok about this in a sense. But I should get going, cyall l8r

[VivianLee]

Going to therapy was a very good step into a very, very positive direction...please keep going! You'll need it more than ever when the divorce becomes final.

 

I think you've beaten yourself up enough about what mistakes you made in the marriage....if she is paying you back, believe me, she's gone above and beyond what you have done.

 

You have bent way over backwards in giving her 2nd, 3rd, 4th and so on chances. By just reading your posts and seeing how you say she is reacting, I think she isn't wanting to work things out, she just wants out. You may need to really realize that and move on. Move on quickly while you have a ounce of pride left and half of your mind!!

 

She is becoming more open minded about reading some literature on affairs etc.. so thats a good forward move towards something.

 

Move towards what?? I think you are grasping at straws that aren't there. I'm sorry! She may just be saying she'll read it to pacify you.

 

 

She is also concerned about whether or not she is thinking of commig back because she hurt me so much, or because whe is not sure if she loves me still.. ouch. either way it hurts.

 

I truly think she is trying as nicely as she can to let you know it's over. She'll never make up her mind if she loves you if she's sleeping with another guy and fussing all the time with you. You aren't at a fair advantage.

 

If she signs the papers, that should be your biggest wake up call that it's completely over and that you and she just aren't going to be together. Stay strong, don't try revenge (unless you let your revenge be the fact that you are going to move on and do very well with your life without her in it), stay in therapy and leave your mind open to perhaps falling in love with someone else. You will have the experience of what you went through to be a perfect mate for someone one day....but I know it's too soon to talk about that but just know that nothing is hopeless!

[ItsMichelle]

You ignored her.

 

You found out too late.

 

She wanted someone to pay attention to her, she found someone to do that. What she really wanted was you to do it. By still talking to you she does have the best of both, the man she loves (you) and someone who makes her feel good.

 

Did she want an affair? Yes, but with you, not the other man.

 

I am the wife. My husband cheated on me 5 years ago during the same time we got married after living together for 9 years. How's that for a smack in the face?

 

I am also 38. I also have a boy at work who wants me more than anything. He's 24. He flirts with me, tells me I am beautiful, tells me how sexy I am and makes me feel like a teenager again. He makes me feel special.

 

Do I want a lifelong relationship with him? No.

Do I want sex with him? Yes.

 

My husband is an alcoholic. He has been sober this last time for 2 months. The first month we weren't together. I kicked him out after another out all night too drunk to remember anything night. I've been there 1000's of times before.

 

Will this be the time he remains sober? Or will he start calling me names again and telling me how worthless I am again as an excuse to drink?

 

Can I forget the past and hope for the future?

[Fritz]

Talk to a lawyer first before you do this uncontested divorce stuff. Take care of yourself first at this point.