McGrupp Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 ive accepted that she is not coming back, but i cant let go of the regrets. when she asked for one weekend alone and I couldnt give it to her, when she said she felt smothered and to give her a week and I couldnt. when she broke it off and I pleaded and begged, turned salty and cursed apologized and did it again. whY? when I knew what to do? when everyone told me to leave it be? when she said to just leave it be and she would be back. whY? when she still picks up the phone and I can hear in her voice that she doesnt know who this person is anymore, thats shes waiting for me to freak out and then I do. gawd im in so much pain that i caused. wtf is wrong with me/ and how will i ever forget what I did to make her leave and then rationalize it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 its like i ****ed up so bad and i dont know what to do and i keep trying to fix it and it just makes it worst and im ****ing miserable and i just want to end it because i did this and now im alone and miserable and so ****ing sad... Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 i dont know anyone that made mistakes like me. i hate myself and this empty ****ing life Link to post Share on other sites
jlr Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Everyone makes mistakes man. I'm sure there's plenty who've made bigger ones. Relationships take two. You aren't the only responsible party here. It's hard to see that sometimes, but it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
DenverBachelor Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 i dont know anyone that made mistakes like me. i hate myself and this empty ****ing life Man up, dude. You made some mistakes. I've made some whoppers in my life. If your mistake didn't cause anyone to die, it's not the end of the world. You can't continue on beating yourself up like this. You need to let go and forgive yourself. If you can't forgive yourself, no one else will do that for you. You've got to learn to love yourself. Just tell yourself a few times a day, "I made a mistake and the one I love left me. I will grow from this experience and be a better person for the next relationship I get in with someone even more amazing." Life isn't about getting into comfortable positions and staying there. If it were, what the **** would we learn about ourselves and of challenges? No, life was tailored made to **** you good at times. In fact, life is like a pitcher who ever so often aims a fast ball right at your head. You'll take a few and get knocked to the ground and start bleeding. But when you're on the ground, the only place left is back to your feet to start swinging again. There are 3.2 billion women in this world of which over 2.5 billion are available to you (age range, etc). Do you really think ONE person is the ONLY one for us out of 2.5 billion? Imagine a fully packed baseball stadium which typically holds 50,000 people. Remember how amazing it was to see so many people in that stadium? Now imagine if each person in that stadium represented a stadium of its own. THAT'S how many women are out there. Mind-blowing .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) i beat myself up daily because my life is so bleak, i know it needs to change, yet i sit and wait for it without taking action...man up... NC. all that ****. i feel like im in a bublle where nothing changes. i feel like the breakup was ladt week but i look up at the calender and its almost been 3 months. **** u know its like i read other threads on here where dudes are in my same exact position and they paly it cool, keep their dignity and whether or not the girl comes back well at leats they didnt come off as a pussy and still had some balls. my ex, thinks im a pyscho (i assume) has blocked my cell and was not even that forgone as far as "space" in the beginning. i know the pitty party has to stop. i know i ll find a new girl. i just messed up and it kills me. i hurt her real bad. Edited November 25, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
Ultiman Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 time.... that is the only and ONLY thing that is going to help you man Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 how long?.... Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 That's a question only your heart can answer. You can't, I can't, no one can. It will take as long as it needs to heal. You can only mitigate the pain by making the changes necessary in your life to get past a rough breakup. We all make mistakes. We all f*ck up. If she was asking for time apart, I'd be willing to bet she was already on her way out the door. And not many people can keep them once the first foot exits the room. I made mistakes. I broke promises. I failed in things I thought I'd succeed. I broke when I thought I was unbreakable. It happens. It's the blessing and curse of humanity and human nature. You can't deny it. No one is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect. What you do now will define you as a person. It will show your quality and integrity. Grow. Learn. Live life as YOU see fit without the burden of someone there who doesn't want to be with you. It's simple. You said you knew the right thing to do. Newsflash. We all KNOW the right thing to do. It's doing it that's the hard part. But now, you know that. Now you'll never be burned again. At least I'd hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Ultiman Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 how long?.... Honestly I would have thought by now you would be healing nicely but apparently your not. I cant answer that question but u will know when it begins to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 ive accepted that she is not coming back, but i cant let go of the regrets. when she asked for one weekend alone and I couldnt give it to her, when she said she felt smothered and to give her a week and I couldnt. What your not seeing the it was already over when she asked for that weekend. You couldn't give it to her because you were trying to hold on to something that was moving away. You give up your regreat by understand much your reaction was based on her actions. SHE WAS ALREADY GONE! And after internalizing that statement, (stop dont fight it, no buts, ifs or I knows...BELIEVE IT) what regreat remain, you give those up by working hard to understand yourself so your next relationship you dont repeat a pattern... and a least get to make NEW mistakes;) Holding on to the regrets is just another way to hold on to the pain, you just using a new word. Just another way of trying to manage the situational after the fact, but it is no longer in your control (just like it was no longer in your control when she asked for the weekend...in your heart if was over and you knew it) Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) i was thinking about going into the details again about what happened. so you guys would see i was at fault. not sure what the point in that is. truth is..it doesnt matter anymore. none of it does. and i know i have to let go of all of it. and stop making more regrets. and move on. to what though? the uncertainty scares me i think. Edited November 25, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 the uncertainty scares me i think. That's it, your an Einstein! UNCERTAINTY and why does it scare you. What things in your life has encourage this fear of UNCERTAINTY? What can you DO to help address the UNCERTAINTY. What would your life look like in 5 years if you got past the UNCERTAINTY. Make UNCERTAINTY your friend that helps you figure out your future Work on those thoughts (and more like them) ever time you think of the EX or regret or any other self flagellation thoughts. McGrupp, trust me when I say trust yourself, you are getting there. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 its like i ****ed up so bad and i dont know what to do and i keep trying to fix it and it just makes it worst and im ****ing miserable and i just want to end it because i did this and now im alone and miserable and so ****ing sad... Just a couple of things, McG. You keep trying to fix it and it just makes it worse. How much worse can it get? How much worse do you want to make it? Let's take this line of desperation and follow it through to it's conclusion. Do you WANT to end your life? Is that what you want from all of this? Is that what your goal is? Or do you want something else out of this? You know you can't have her, so that's a dead end. What else COULD you get out of this? What is the very next best thing? (I'm expecting an answer, btw.) NEXT GC is correct. UNCERTAINTY is what you fear. Again, what could be worse than this? What is CERTAIN about death? About taking your own life? None of us can answer that, regardless of our beliefs. You can choose: uncertainty or possibility. Neither are terrible. One's a bit scary (nothing like as scary as what you've already been through, though) but could be great and the other could just encompass all of your wildest dreams. Oh, that's right! They're both the same thing. Except one's a bit more 'active' than the other. Take one and you let life happen to you, take the other and you have a little more control over your destiny. The only thing that will keep you stuck in this misery is you repeating your mistakes. So if you don't like uncertainty and you refuse possibility, you get what you got now. The same. So, what was it you'd like? x Link to post Share on other sites
Trinitron Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Dude, you have got to jump back into the mosh pit, it may feel forced at first but you must reconnect. And yes this is easy advice to give, I know how tough it'll be to do. You must do it though. You cannot continue carrying the weight of this grief anymore. Get back into the pit. Trinitron Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 I made so many mistakes McGrupp. I have a thread somewhere in here where I posted awful crap that I did. For instance, told her to stop kissing me goodbye in bed in the morning because it woke me up. How f*cking awful is that? Can you imagine how much I regret that? I would do anything to get that back. Also didn't buy her a gift when she graduated college, and skipped out on a celebratory lunch. But anyway, you're just in a phase. In a couple weeks you'll be posting about something else. Best thing for me was writing down all the stupid ****ty stuff that I did. That way, when I start to cycle those thoughts, I think to myself, "wait a second. I already have all this written down. I don't need to rehash it. If I want to rehash it I can pull up the file". Has really been helpful, not that it's a perfect cure. It was really hard to write though. At first it was too painful to think of all the awful things that I did. Second thing would be to make a pact with yourself to work on those things. Think of how lucky the next girl will be once you've improved one or two things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 ...yeah i was the one that suggested space. i was the one that call her a "bitch" and a "slut" for no reason. i was the one who called her incesently our final week together wondering if there was another. im the one who didnt go NC right away when my situation demanded it more then any other. me. so. what to do? its hard, ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 From where I'm sitting you need to stop rehashing it over and over in your mind. I have to be honest and say that in the unlikely event of her wanting you back-why would she even consider it when you haven't worked on any of your problems-she would be coming back to the same problems and it wouldn't work. You HAVE to force yourself to work on yourself, so that you don't make those mistakes again. I'd never say never when it comes to exes wanting to rebuild, cos sometimes it is possible, often it is not, BUT what I have learnt this year is that they will not come back if those problems are still there, why would they?! BUT, there is no guarantee an ex will want to try again, so we have to get stronger and rebuild our lives for OURSELVES and no-one else. Maybe one day, when you're stronger and therefore more attractive to the opposite sex, you and your new girl will bump into your ex and she'll see what she's missing out on. The only person you can rely on in life is YOU, learn to be the strongest, most attractive person you can be. Don't look back. i was thinking about going into the details again about what happened. so you guys would see i was at fault. not sure what the point in that is. truth is..it doesnt matter anymore. none of it does. and i know i have to let go of all of it. and stop making more regrets. and move on. to what though? the uncertainty scares me i think. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 Your behavior isn't the reason she left. Your behavior can't get her back. Whatever you did or didn't do is only half of a relationship. The person on the other end has to be willing to hold up their end of the deal. I totally get the pain you're going through. But regret is a wasted emotion. It saps your energy and gives nothing back. Try to remind yourself that no matter what you did, no matter how much you wish you could change it now, you always did the best you could at the time. Learning from what you see as mistakes will help you do better next time. But for now, try to stop beating yourself up with "if onlys." There's no such thing as "should have." It's an illusion. Don't let it consume your thoughts. You did the best you could. Please try to accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 If you're interested and have time, look under my profile for the thread I started called "how to cope with regret" (or something similar). That's not the thread where I detailed all the crap that I did, but there is some discussion of regret. Link to post Share on other sites
Boundary Problem Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 Whatever you did or didn't do is only half of a relationship. The person on the other end has to be willing to hold up their end of the deal. Learning from what you see as mistakes will help you do better next time. These are such excellent statements. I felt such a sense of freedom when I forgave myself for all my mistakes. It is very healing to forgive ourselves. And if we don't, who will? Learning is also important - because none of us want to end up back in that hell-hole again. We all have strength, but not unlimited strength. I would rather take that energy and focus it on positive activities in my life. Learning that I'm not invincible was humbling. Makes me more careful. Still trusting, but careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Toki Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 Sometimes you have to see the low points for yourself in order to appreciate the high points you can achieve later on. Moping, regretting, and self hating never did a damn bit of good for anyone. Especially yourself which is who you got to live with until you checkout for good. You ****ed up, so has everyone else here, we've all hurt, we've all been hurt. Some of us don't make it to see what good can come out of dragging our miserable hides from the burning depths of our self made hells. But most of us do, and you should too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 im having real trouble forgetting and forgiving myself. i guess time will be the answer. i feel the need to contact her so bad. i dont know why. im like addicted and havent replaced her with anything. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 From day one of him leaving me I have started to rebuild my life back up, I refuse to sit around moping, yes I've been b***** miserable a lot of the time as everyone here knows But I have kept busy all along, I think (voluntary) work has kept me sane. Please don't contact her again, you have contacted her so many times, I think it only makes it worse for you, not better, if you are coming across as desperate (and angry?), it will push her further away. I mean if you spoke to her now, will it be because you can have a rational talk with her? Or would it be more desperation which would push her further way? Don't humiliate yourself anymore, don't do it to yourself. im having real trouble forgetting and forgiving myself. i guess time will be the answer. i feel the need to contact her so bad. i dont know why. im like addicted and havent replaced her with anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 i cant find that thing. that hobby, that change of life that pushes me forward. nothing has moved in my life except she is gone. the whole hasnt been filled. i cant contact her anymore anyway. im blocked. Link to post Share on other sites
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