how do i let go of these regrets?

[GrayClouds]

im having real trouble forgetting and forgiving myself.

 

i guess time will be the answer.

 

i feel the need to contact her so bad. i dont know why.

 

im like addicted and havent replaced her with anything.

 

Back to this? Oy vey...

 

So what short of her taking you back would it take to "forgive yourself"?

 

and time is not the answer...

 

her forgiving you is not the answer (it is about forgiving yourself)...

 

replacing your drug of choice is not the answer (just a new problem)...

 

My friend, and I don't use that term loosely, it simply you don't want to forgive yourself, for if you forgive then you will let go of the pain, and if you let go of the pain you let go of this over and down with relationship, and if you let go of the relationship your now alone.

 

It is time to stop performing you best Don Quixote and walk away from these windmills pain and regret. The are just distracting you from the fact you don't want to be alone, your afraid of it, you feel like being alone reinforce the truth your not worthy.

 

When I was young the school bus would let us out at the bottom of a big hill. It was 2-3 blocks long. There was about 4 of use that got out on the stop, including my sister and I. Everyday there was a contest who would was fastest to run to the top. My sister was the athletic one, I was the fat one, and the other two was some where in between. Everyday I would take off running like the rest but on most days I would "twist my ankle" which kept me from completing the race. After a while everyone got on to me for how often "I twisted my ankle". Everyone but my sister who stood up for me and explained I had weak ankles.

 

It felt really good. She would have stood up for me forever. And it was tempting to let her, like I said it made me feel good but maybe not in the healthiest was. For my problem of not being able to compete was not solve by her standing up for me even though I could have used my weak ankles" as an excuse forever. My problem would be solved by my actions. So I started to go jogging. Over time I did a great deal of jogging and got thin.

And that made me feel good. And now I had two reason to feel good; One, my sister cared for me, two I cared for me.

 

Though even with all my jogging I never did win one of those hill races after school but eventually all that jogging did allow me something, to win the 1989 Boston Marathon.

 

McGrupp you got a hill race to run and if you get past using your "weak ankles" of pain and regreat to hold you back. You may never win that race the hill race but your Boston Marathon is waiting for you.

 

Fact. Except the marathon part, never won the Boston. I added that just to make the story better. But as a fat f#ck for of self-hatred my running did allow me to loss 30 lbs and gain confidence which was essentially me winning "my Boston" so I feel justified for the poetic licensing.

[HeavenOrHell]

Have you got the support of a therapist to help you through this?

 

 

i cant find that thing. that hobby, that change of life that pushes me forward.

 

nothing has moved in my life except she is gone. the whole hasnt been filled.

 

i cant contact her anymore anyway. im blocked.

[McGrupp]

my therapist hasnt really helped too much.

 

maybe im afraid to really open up to hiim as im embarrased by my mistakes i made after the breakup.

 

the same reason i ommitt details on here. i really did some horrible things after the breakup and I cant get around them. i know i have to.

 

i carry this burden like some luggage or something. i hurt her. i know i did. but know she is probably happy and content she isnt with that pyscho anymore. 3.5 years and I ****ed myself. dang. now i got myself left. who i dispise for doing this whole thing.

 

its a vicious circle that i feel like cant get out of.

 

fine: forgive yourself. okay i will do that.

[GrayClouds]

my therapist hasnt really helped too much.

 

maybe im afraid to really open up to hiim as im embarrased by my mistakes i made after the breakup.

 

.

 

If your not 100% honest your wasting his time and yours.

[McGrupp]

im just going to type all my regrets, because maybe it will make me feel good. idk they feel so bottled up.

 

good move? bad move?

 

probably pointless and just more dwelling and lookign for pitty and attention.

 

****. its like i know what im doing (regrets, not letting go) YET i cant stop

Edited November 27, 2009 by McGrupp

[GrayClouds]

im just going to type all my regrets, because maybe it will make me feel good. idk they feel so bottled up.

 

good move? bad move?

 

 

It is not about making you FEEL good. Just like therapy, your not about feeling good...

 

It is about being honest about your behavior and who you are, understanding why you behave like you do, and finding was to behave better in the future.It is about doing hard work that will at times make you FEEL like SH#T. The FEELing good will always pass, doing the hard work will give you confidence, esteem, and direction. Giving you the tools to cope when life make you not FEEL good so you do not FEEL worst.

 

If you want to write them down to get them out, great. But don't stop there. Then with each one write why you did them. But don't there. Then write what you thought was the reason why you did them. But don't stop there. Then write how you could have handle them better. But don't stop there. Then write what you need so you will do them better next time.

 

Then have a glass of milk. Because now your getting to understanding, that is what it is about.

[PinkToes]

My friend, and I don't use that term loosely, it simply you don't want to forgive yourself, for if you forgive then you will let go of that pain, and if you let go of the pain you let go of this over and down with relationship, and if you let go of the relationship your now alone.

 

 

 

I agree with this. I got back together with an ex who cheated once, but I was having a hard time letting go of the anger. Then a therapist pointed out that perhaps if I let go of the pain, there would be nothing left. She was right. There was nothing to keep me in the relationship, but I wasn't ready to let go. So I held on to the anger.

 

You may discover the same thing, that after you forgive yourself, there will be nothing holding you together with her in your mind. Underneath what you're feeling, there may still be sadness, but it won't feel like the torture you're going through now.

[soheartbroken]

Yes, write them out! But like GrayClouds and I have said, it won't "cure" your pain. In fact, it's going to hurt like hell to write it out. But it can help to stop the regrets from cycling too much in your head.

 

Therapy isn't a quick fix either. People think that you can see a therapist a couple times and suddenly start to feel better - not the case for most people! If you're serious about it, it's a long process of trying to understand yourself. I've been in therapy for months, and I've barely scratched the surface of my issues.

 

I fee like this might be falling on deaf ears, but I'll say it anyway: McGrupp, I hear so much anxiety and agony in your posts. You are trying to measure up to some benchmark of healing that is unrealistic. You think that if you do all the "right" things, the pain will magically disappear. It won't. Please try to accept that this is going to take time (yes, more than 3 months). I know it sucks to hurt for so long, but it is what it is.

 

There is this obsession in our culture and on LS about how to "heal" as quickly as possible. Sometimes I think people are really just looking for the quickest way out of the pain, without actually tackling the grief of loss. You can't skip around the dark feelings! You have to go through them or else risk them coming back to bite you in some other form.

 

Don't think that you have to "man up" or stop throwing "pity parties". I don't think you're throwing pity parties. I think you're genuinely expressing your fear and despair, and I'm cool with that.

 

Whatever. I hope someone finds some sense in what I've said.

[GrayClouds]

Yes, write them out! But like GrayClouds and I have said, it won't "cure" your pain. In fact, it's going to hurt like hell to write it out. But it can help to stop the regrets from cycling too much in your head.

 

Therapy isn't a quick fix either. People think that you can see a therapist a couple times and suddenly start to feel better - not the case for most people! If you're serious about it, it's a long process of trying to understand yourself. I've been in therapy for months, and I've barely scratched the surface of my issues.

 

I fee like this might be falling on deaf ears, but I'll say it anyway: McGrupp, I hear so much anxiety and agony in your posts. You are trying to measure up to some benchmark of healing that is unrealistic. You think that if you do all the "right" things, the pain will magically disappear. It won't. Please try to accept that this is going to take time (yes, more than 3 months). I know it sucks to hurt for so long, but it is what it is.

 

There is this obsession in our culture and on LS about how to "heal" as quickly as possible. Sometimes I think people are really just looking for the quickest way out of the pain, without actually tackling the grief of loss. You can't skip around the dark feelings! You have to go through them or else risk them coming back to bite you in some other form.

 

Don't think that you have to "man up" or stop throwing "pity parties". I don't think you're throwing pity parties. I think you're genuinely expressing your fear and despair, and I'm cool with that.

 

Whatever. I hope someone finds some sense in what I've said.

 

I do, but I don't know if that is a good thing or not?????

 

I agree the man up sh#t is belittling.

 

I agree with your "heal" statement too but we all need to ba aware we can get in our own way that keeps it from moving forward. Which is ok for awhile but it can be come habitual, which is not good.

 

And I too accept the pity parties, lard knows I invited all of you to mine many of times. But it is important that at least we have different themes and dress for the parties, less they lose their appeal.

[soheartbroken]

McGrupp always puts a slightly different twist on the theme of his party, doesn't he

 

Sorry McGrupp. I don't mean for the humour to be at your expense. We're here for you.

[McGrupp]

i think my problem is im looking for a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

however that light im looking for is her coming back.

 

 

so ill never find my way out, until i accept it is truly over. which it most certainly is.

 

how to kill the hope?

[soheartbroken]

Can't kill it. I think it just goes away.

[mickleb]

I'm still waiting for an answer to my question, McG.

 

AND I'M NOT THE KIND OF GIRL WHO WILL TAKE NO RESPONSE AS AN ANSWER.

 

HehI'mjestin'

 

Or AM I?

 

x

[McGrupp]

You know you can't have her, so that's a dead end. What else COULD you get out of this? What is the very next best thing? (I'm expecting an answer, btw.)

im not sure. a career i love? my own place? a new love i guess are the obvious answers and yet i havent really made any moves toward any of those. every day i can, yet i dont, just waiting for this to pass. i understand thats the wrong way to go about it though, because otherwise i will stay in neutral....idk

 

and if i move on...well then i actually physically move on, and perhaps my mind will follow

[mickleb]

im not sure. a career i love? my own place? a new love i guess are the obvious answers and yet i havent really made any moves toward any of those. every day i can, yet i dont, just waiting for this to pass. i understand thats the wrong way to go about it though, because otherwise i will stay in neutral....idk

 

and if i move on...well then i actually physically move on, and perhaps my mind will follow

 

Fantastic.

 

Name one thing (I don't care how tiny it is) that you could do to improve your future job situation, please.

 

x

[McGrupp]

im not sure. really im not. i used to think moving would be the answer. i have $ saved up and just go someplace new where i want to live and it would force me to get a job.

 

idk. idk. idk. anymore. my mind is messed up.

 

the job market sucks. what i want to do i havent done in 3 years. im going to be 25 and that seems old to me.

 

im scared and lonely. really scared

Edited November 27, 2009 by McGrupp

[mickleb]

what i want to do i havent done in 3 years.

 

This is?

[HeavenOrHell]

PLEASE be honest with your therapist, he will see you are remorseful and sorry for any mistakes you made, that you're not some a**hole who doesn't give a s***.

You strike me as a good person because you care about the mistakes you made.

 

 

my therapist hasnt really helped too much.

 

maybe im afraid to really open up to hiim as im embarrased by my mistakes i made after the breakup.

 

the same reason i ommitt details on here. i really did some horrible things after the breakup and I cant get around them. i know i have to.

 

i carry this burden like some luggage or something. i hurt her. i know i did. but know she is probably happy and content she isnt with that pyscho anymore. 3.5 years and I ****ed myself. dang. now i got myself left. who i dispise for doing this whole thing.

 

its a vicious circle that i feel like cant get out of.

 

fine: forgive yourself. okay i will do that.

[HeavenOrHell]

What about voluntary work, helping others can make you feel good at about yourself...

25 isn't old, I'm 43, now THAT's old

I know the scared and lonely feeling so well, you're not alone though cos you have us here rooting for you.

 

im not sure. really im not. i used to think moving would be the answer. i have $ saved up and just go someplace new where i want to live and it would force me to get a job.

 

idk. idk. idk. anymore. my mind is messed up.

 

the job market sucks. what i want to do i havent done in 3 years. im going to be 25 and that seems old to me.

 

im scared and lonely. really scared

[McGrupp]

it doesnt matter.

 

im sitting at work crying. i hate this. i need something to change. i need her back.

[GrayClouds]

im scared and lonely. really scared

 

I am too McGrupp. I suspect, most of us here are, your not alone.

 

As the old soldier staement goes "Courage is not dont something with the absents of fear, but doing somethiing despite the fear."

 

What things for yourself do you sih you would have done over the last 5 years? School? Proficiency at drums? Learn how to paint? Try working at construction? See how people would react to you if you were bleach Blond? What are those things for you?

 

So what would happen if you spent the next 5 years doing those things? You would be 30 years old with a list of competed things you have always wanted to do for the last ten years.

 

What would happen if you do not spend the next 5 years doing those things? You will be 30 years old with a list of things you always wanted to do.

 

Either way your going to be 30 years old. The break-up is past but you are still able to accomplish those things you want to do.

 

I think the regret your feeling is as much to do with things you think you should have accomplished as much as lthe break up. She was just your best evidence that you were doing something well. But in fact you are doing other things well. It just does not feel like it becouse it feels so new. Despite all the pain you have been in, you have found a way to take care of yourself, to move beyond giving up to now looking at the future. Yes you may find that scary, but at least now your looking at it. And your going to do this well. You are going to understand by breaking it down to small manageable chunks each potentiality monster become a midget (a tuff little motha' with one of those mexican lucha libra wrestling mask but still beatable). You also found a good healthy way to get the crap out of your head and to get a sense of comfor by posting at LS. You also go yourself into Therapy. All this shows that you can take care of yourself. Your beyond just surviving now you working towards thriving. Again that is a scary step, it means letting go of something you got good at, surviving, to grab onto something new, thriving.

 

You may not believe me, thinking I am just blowing smoke up your skirt. Sorry but I dont do that (beside I really dont want to know whats up your skirt) But I do see it. I see it in the advice you give other's who has come here after you. Your gaining wisdom. I see it in the occasional joke you make at your won expense. You presenting self-tolerance. You showing it with statements like the one above. Your offering sincere honesty. Jsut these three tools alone, wisdom, self-tolerence, and honesty will get you much of what you want out of life.

 

I know this is not what you wanted but it may be just what you needed.

 

i

idk. idk. idk,

 

You may not, but your figuring it out.

[McGrupp]

i just want her back man.

[HeavenOrHell]

Have you asked your doc or therapist about anti depressants? A lot of people need them after break ups. If you prefer not to try them that's fair enough, and I am sure you DO have the strength to get through this yourself, but you need to start believing in yourself.

And please please be honest with your therapist otherwise it won't be very helpful.

Hang in there buddy xx

 

 

it doesnt matter.

 

im sitting at work crying. i hate this. i need something to change. i need her back.

[HeavenOrHell]

I know

I just want him back.

Don't let this beat you, life is precious-we WILL be happy again.

 

 

i just want her back man.

[McGrupp]

i just went to the bathroom.

 

looked in the mirror and said this...

 

"**** her man, this is your life and your ****ing sad and pissed now because it ****ing revolved around her, make your own life"

 

and then i had a day dream of moving to the city, meeting a girl, going out west with her, breaking up with her...moving back and meeting someone amazing to raise a family with. im 30 in this daydream. and back here in NJ but happy.

 

it could happen, right?