18 Years Old, and Getting Married?

[Fizz]

Hello

I just wanted to say that I’m brand new here, I’ve been browsing and I love the forum, but it’s my first time posting.

 

I wanted to bring up the issue of marriage and age. I’m sure it’s been discussed before, but I wanted everyone’s opinions on my situation.

 

I’m eighteen, and my boyfriend is eighteen (he is actually three months younger than me), and we have been dating for two years. He is a senior in high school, and I am in my first year of college. We became engaged yesterday, but we have been talking about marriage for over a year. We plan to get married this summer, a month or two after he graduates from high school, and a month or two before he starts college and I start my second year at college.

 

I am breaking the news to my extended family tomorrow, and I have already told most of my immediate family, and some friends. I’ve received mixed opinions, from simple “Congratulations, I know you guys will make it” to “Don’t do it! Are you crazy?! You’ll break up within five years”. I know both opinions are valid and everyone just wants to help, but it is difficult to take the negativity.

 

I know 18-19 is very young to get married in today’s culture, and I know a young age makes marriage even more difficult than it usually is, but I believe my fiancé and I have what it takes. We are mature (he especially is extremely mature for his age) and we have talked about the difficulties we will face. We’ve talked about budgeting and financial issues we might face (neither of our parents are helping us with college and we will both be going, we know we will be broke. We are both going to work and take out loans, and hopefully get as many grants and scholarships as possible, to get through). We have also talked about how marriage is not always easy, and we know that we will face rough patches and won’t always like each other, but we plan to stick it out and are going into this thinking that divorce is not an option.

 

We want to get married not only because we love each other, but because we are committed to each other, and want to be together for the rest of our lives. We plan to go through marriage counseling before we tie the knot to make sure we do this the right way.

 

I wanted opinions, not only on getting married at a young age (both positive and negative, I want to hear both sides) but also on how to talk to my doubtful family about this, and what difficulties my fiancé and I will probably face when we get married and how we can overcome them.

 

I know that was long, if anyone read that whole thing, you deserve a prize Again, all opinions and advice are welcome. Thank you so much!

Edited November 25, 2009 by Fizz

[PinkToes]

You're in a really difficult situation, because I know you guys love each other to bits and want to make it work. But sad to say, the odds are really against you; if only because you are both going to change a huge amount over the next 10 years or so.

 

When I think back to the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with when I was in my early 20s, we are so different now, we wouldn't even want to date. Yet at the time, I was so convinced he was the one for me.

 

Sure, there are couples who beat the odds. But if you're really going to spend the rest of your life with someone, why not wait a few years for marriage?

 

And if you do go ahead with it, I wish you all the best. But please, please don't have kids for another 10 years or so!

[an hero]

All I can say is WHY!?!

 

I can understand how in love you two are but why can't you have the same relationship without the wedding rings.

 

Good luck though.

[quankanne]

We plan to go through marriage counseling before we tie the knot to make sure we do this the right way.

 

of everything you've said, this is probably the best thing I hear in your post – though at y'alls stage, it'd be considered pre-marriage counselling, or marriage enrichment, so to speak. And yes, I think it's a fantastic idea because there are programs who give you the true low-down on what to expect in a marriage. That your biggest fights will be over finances, sex and family relationships, that there are ways to argue without being damaging toward each other, etc.

 

that said, I also believe that as much as you love him and vice versa, you are still so young to jump into this kind of commitment. Take the long engagement and work toward your goal (marriage) as you take care of other business. Like finishing school and learning to live on your own. In fact, I think that's a big must, for a kid of either gender to live on his/her own for a year or so. The transition going from parents' home to a marital home will be a bit smoother, IMO, because of the practical experience you gain. And again, you'll have certain things and goals out of the way so that you can focus on the marriage itself.

 

my nephew and his wife started dating their senior summer, and they knew they wanted to be married to each other. But he was adamant that she get her college degree while he moved back to South Texas to get practical experience as a grease monkey. She transferred to a school down there either her junior or senior year so they could be together, and they lived at his other grandparents' farm during that time (hee ... can't beat grandma for a chaperone), then tied the knot like two weeks after she got her diploma. That takes a lot of patience and maturity to follow through on that kind of plan, IMO, but I'm thinking that because they knew they were meant to be together, they didn't have to rush into marriage because they wanted to *be* together – instead, it was their sweet reward.

[Mary3]

The divorce rate for females marrying at the age of 21 years or under is 90%.

[Ronni_W]

Hi Fizz.

You also sound very mature for your age (it's not just your b/f who can make that claim )

We want to get married not only because we love each other, but because we are committed to each other, and want to be together for the rest of our lives.

I guess I would ask what is compelling the two of you to want to "seal the deal" before college? I mean, are there any fears that you'll drift apart; that one of you will change her or his current direction/goals/aspirations and that the (new) vision may not include the other?

 

Or. Are there beliefs that getting married will affirm and strengthen your love for, and commitment to, each other? It doesn't, in reality. If what you have now is strong enough to take you through life as a happy and devoted couple, then it is also strong enough to take you through college (and beyond.)

 

There is a book that you may want to check at the library. 'Marriage Shock: The Transformation of Women into Wives' by Dalma Heyn. Just for a different perspective really.

Another that I'd recommend is, 'The Art of Sexual Ecstasy' by Margot Anand. To me, being able to create a healthy, fun-filled and mutually satisfying sex life together becomes even more important if the plan is to have one sex partner for life. ('The Joy of Sex' is also tried and true.)

 

In addition to the pre-marital, I'd also suggest all the relationship, conflict resolution and effective communications books and workshops that you (both) can manage, and don't stop learning. [because] Being married also requires just plain hard work, and the more self-awareness and life skills you (each) bring into it, the stronger will be your relationship.

 

Wishing you much happiness and success in life.

[Mary3]

Hi Fizz.

You also sound very mature for your age (it's not just your b/f who can make that claim )

 

I guess I would ask what is compelling the two of you to want to "seal the deal" before college? I mean, are there any fears that you'll drift apart; that one of you will change her or his current direction/goals/aspirations and that the (new) vision may not include the other?

 

Or. Are there beliefs that getting married will affirm and strengthen your love for, and commitment to, each other? It doesn't, in reality. If what you have now is strong enough to take you through life as a happy and devoted couple, then it is also strong enough to take you through college (and beyond.)

 

There is a book that you may want to check at the library. 'Marriage Shock: The Transformation of Women into Wives' by Dalma Heyn. Just for a different perspective really.

Another that I'd recommend is, 'The Art of Sexual Ecstasy' by Margot Anand. To me, being able to create a healthy, fun-filled and mutually satisfying sex life together becomes even more important if the plan is to have one sex partner for life. ('The Joy of Sex' is also tried and true.)

 

In addition to the pre-marital, I'd also suggest all the relationship, conflict resolution and effective communications books and workshops that you (both) can manage, and don't stop learning. [because] Being married also requires just plain hard work, and the more self-awareness and life skills you (each) bring into it, the stronger will be your relationship.

 

Wishing you much happiness and success in life.

 

Ronnie Excellent Advice

[kampfy chair]

What tells me that the two of you are not ready for marriage is your "divorce is not an option" mentality. Frankly it shows your lack of maturity. You have to realize going into a marriage that there will be situations that you cannot anticipate that will have unpredictable effects on your relationship. For example, one of my Mom's best friends was very happily married for many years. Then she and her husband had a son together who got leukemia and died at the age of five. They grieved in different ways and in the end, the stress of it ended their marriage. These are the things in life that you simply cannot anticipate.

 

Also, neither of you have had time to live your lives and really figure out who you are. As the two of you age you will both change dramatically, also in ways that cannot be anticipated. There is no reason you need to jump into marriage this fast. The two of you are much more likely to "make it" if you wait and see if your relationship can pass the test of time. Wait until you have at least graduated and had time to start a career and build your own life. If you are meant to be, then waiting will not have a negative effect on your relationship.

[ComeUndone]

Marriage is a huge deal, and it's a lot easier to get married than to get divorced. Even if you feel that divorce is not an option, believe me, it still is. I doubt anyone who gets married ever feels like there is the possibility they will split up, but it happens all the time. People change, people grow apart... marriage is tough and takes a lot of work.

 

I personally feel you are far too young for marriage. Like others have said, you both will change so much over the next 10 years... you will grow and find yourselves and figure out where you are headed in life, and you may discover your bf is not the man you want to be with forever. Exchanging wedding vows now won't ensure you'll still be together in the future, but holding off on marriage will ensure you won't have a nasty divorce to deal with down the road. There is nothing wrong with delaying marriage.. it doesn't make your relationship any less serious or less meaningful.

[Robin2000]

The best advice I can give you is this: wait.

 

 

the difference between you at 18 vs you at 28 is going to be night and day. and it should be. If someone is exactly the same at 28, almost 30 as they were at 18 something is really really wrong. You are going to change tremendously and so is he. You cannot know for sure the "you" at 28 will have the same hopes, feelings, attractions etc as the "you" at 18. I got married at 19 myself the first time. We were AMAZING together, had so much in common and loved each other to pieces....however....The things I found attractive, funny, cute and thought I could not live without changed by 23. By 23 he had grown and changed too and quite honestly, I would have never went on a second date with him had I met him at 25, 28 or older. But at 18 and 19 I thought I could live the rest of my life in his arms and be happy. No one could tell me different. period.

 

please wait. if you were both 28 already I would say go for it. Because the difference between 28 and older is not so drastic at from the teens/early 20s to 28 or so...... probably not what you want to hear but please consider it and all the other wonderful heartfelt advice you have gotten here. And ask yourself this. How many people do you know who are now in their 30's that got married in their teens? 40's even....? Compare that to the number who didn't make it....It might really open your eyes.....

[norajane]

Do you have any strong reason why you feel the need to get married now? Why not wait until you are both through with college?

 

Are you afraid it won't last if you wait? That's one reason NOT to get married...it's guaranteed your marriage won't last if you get married because fear is behind the decision.

 

The next few years will be tough for both of you as you go through your studies and attempt to find your place in the world. Burdening a young marriage from the start with those struggles is just a divorce waiting to happen in a few years. It's going to be difficult enough getting through college and finding jobs and figuring out who you want to be when you grow up without adding the responsibility of a marriage to it all.

 

You have a good relationship. You love each other. If your relationship is as strong as you believe, waiting to marry until you have your act together will not change your love for each other. Waiting will, however, give you a better chance of success when you do get married because you'll be better prepared to deal with whatever life throws your way as adults.

Edited December 3, 2009 by norajane

[smile123]

Hi Fizz!

 

So I am only 2 years older than you, but what are you thinking?! I understand that you both love each other very much, but, as everyone else has been saying, 18 is way too young to get married (nevermind 17!). Also, not to be pessimistic, but I know of tons of couples from high school who promised to be together forever and thought they were going to get married, and shortly into college they split up. I'm definitely not saying that this is the case with everyone, because it's not. However, people change drastically throughout their college years, and it's especially important to focus on yourself- accomplishing an education, finding friends to spend time with, etc. I feel as though if you were to get married, your priorities would not be set straight (not to say that love isn't important, but I feel as though you need to focus on you right now!)

 

Why do you and your boyfriend feel the need to rush into marriage so soon? I have been with my boyfriend since I was 16, and it is now 4 years later and we are both juniors in college, and still happy together. Yes, we have discussed marriage and our future together, but what would be the point of getting married now? How would you be able to focus on your school work? Would you even see each other (I'm assuming you're going to go to different schools)? Would you be able to live with one another?

 

I know that you say you have discussed finanical issues, but I personally feel as though this is something you cannot understand until you have had experience with it. I really don't think you understand how difficult it is to be on your own and independent from your family. You said that you were both paying for college, so how do you expect to have money for bills, food, clothing, etc? Are you planning on working a full-time job along with your classes?

 

I'm sorry for seeming like such a downer, I just strongly discourage you from getting married at this age, and I want you to understand that getting married isn't so wonderful and perfect as it is portrayed in the movies or on television shows. It takes a lot of hard work, and both you and I at this age are not mature enough (even if we were to think we were) or experienced enough.

 

So, lastly, I just want to say that I think you really need to wait, and you should sit down and seriously think about what the difference would be if you got married now versus later. Would there really be a difference at all? What would be the positives of getting married right now? Isn't it enough to be together and be happy as a couple?

 

Good luck to whatever you decide, and I hope my advice has helped (sorry that it was long!)

[FilthMerchant]

How the hell can you decide what you want for the rest of your life when you are 18? How can you even know what you will need in a partner for the rest of your life? How can you possibly figure out whether or not another person can meet those needs?

 

You are 18 - you aren't fully grown, and you've barely even stepped into the world. You have 0 life experience.

 

This is why, no matter the circumstance, it is a fatal flaw to get married at 18, or any age really before at least 25. Yes, you may hear about it working sometimes. Occassionally I pick up the paper and see that someone won the lottery...

[Ross PK]

I think the more younger a couple are, the less chance they'll always be together.

 

But just do what feels right inside, you're an adult now, it's up to you.

[Ross PK]

How the hell can you decide what you want for the rest of your life when you are 18? How can you even know what you will need in a partner for the rest of your life? How can you possibly figure out whether or not another person can meet those needs?

 

You are 18 - you aren't fully grown, and you've barely even stepped into the world. You have 0 life experience.

 

This is why, no matter the circumstance, it is a fatal flaw to get married at 18, or any age really before at least 25. Yes, you may hear about it working sometimes. Occassionally I pick up the paper and see that someone won the lottery...

 

Yup, because we all know an 18 year old is still a child.

[kampfy chair]

Yup, because we all know an 18 year old is still a child.

 

An 18 year old just out of high school IS basically a child. Turning 18 makes you an adult legally, but it doesn't give you the maturity and life experience that it takes to make a marriage work.

[norajane]

An 18 year old just out of high school IS basically a child. Turning 18 makes you an adult legally, but it doesn't give you the maturity and life experience that it takes to make a marriage work.

 

An 18 year old has been under the care of an adult for food, shelter, clothing, emotional support, and every other little kind of support until very recently. Some 18 year olds are still under the care of an adult, especially if a parent is footing the bill for college tuition, room and board, or the 18 year old in question is still living with mommy and daddy.

 

Most 18 year olds are unprepared for the responsibilities of being married. They are just beginning to become able to take care of themselves. In the US, they aren't even legally able to drink alcohol! They've only been allowed to drive a car for 2 years.

 

If an 18 year old believes they have all the maturity and life experience they need, that alone highlights how immature and inexperienced they are.

[Ross PK]

Well, they're treated and classed as adults over here in Britian, not little kiddies.

 

They may not have that much life experience, but the same can be said for many 25 year olds. Yet you don't see many people talking down to them or treating them as though they're not adults.

 

An 18 year old is either an adult or a child, they can't be both.

Edited December 4, 2009 by Ross PK

[Ross PK]

An 18 year old just out of high school IS basically a child. Turning 18 makes you an adult legally, but it doesn't give you the maturity and life experience that it takes to make a marriage work.

 

No, a child is younger than a teenager, you know someone who still plays with Barbie dolls and calls their mum mummy? An 18 year old is a young adult, heck, even 16 year olds are classed as young adults, even though they aren't tehnically adults yet.

 

What my problem is, is that FM was speaking to her as though she was about 13 or something, not a young adult.

Edited December 4, 2009 by Ross PK

[dazzle22]

Everyone at 18 thinks they they are mature and know more and will not make any of the mistakes of their elders... but maturity is one of those things where you "cannot talk the talk until you have walked the walk". Only people who have lived much longer and experienced many of life's hard disappointments and lessons can play the maturity card.. 18 year olds really have NO IDEA of what life can throw at them, nor do they really know themselves because there is no substitute for experience and time.

 

Now, if you really are mature, you will take the advice of the older wiser people on this thread. If you get married despite all this good advice, then you truly are immature, because that is what immature people do-NOT LISTEN TO THE WISE ADVICE OF THEIR ELDERS....

[torranceshipman]

You know what...you 2 might make a big success of it. BUT if you are really in this for life, and I mean a real partnership for life, then I think you should give eachother the freedom to go through college first, before you get M. Stay in your LTR, even live together if you want (unless you are going to different colleges: choose based on your passion, not just because the colleges are close) - support eachother through this big life changing experience, have the freedom for your both to experience the college thing, support eachother through your studying goals. Then, if you make it fine through college and are together, then get M as you'll have really laid the groundwork.

 

That way, 10yrs from now, neither of you will ever feel like you missed out on anything. I know, you feel right now that you'd NEVER get that feeling but again, look at M and your lives together as a lifetime thing, and what you feel in 10yrs will be very different to how you feel now, and you need to safeguard that period of your M, not just this year or next yr.

 

Good luck!

[MissJoness]

Well, they're treated and classed as adults over here in Britian, not little kiddies.

 

They may not have that much life experience, but the same can be said for many 25 year olds. Yet you don't see many people talking down to them or treating them as though they're not adults.

 

An 18 year old is either an adult or a child, they can't be both.

 

here in America 18 year olds are treated with kitten gloves, practically like tiny little children and given a free pass for just about everything.

 

It didn't always used to be like that, the teenage years. Teenagers used to start families, have children, real jobs and everything.

 

Now they are so damn bratty because they have no real responsibility or pressure for anything.

[BlackLovely]

The best advice I can give you is this: wait.

 

 

the difference between you at 18 vs you at 28 is going to be night and day. and it should be. If someone is exactly the same at 28, almost 30 as they were at 18 something is really really wrong. You are going to change tremendously and so is he. You cannot know for sure the "you" at 28 will have the same hopes, feelings, attractions etc as the "you" at 18. I got married at 19 myself the first time. We were AMAZING together, had so much in common and loved each other to pieces....however....The things I found attractive, funny, cute and thought I could not live without changed by 23. By 23 he had grown and changed too and quite honestly, I would have never went on a second date with him had I met him at 25, 28 or older. But at 18 and 19 I thought I could live the rest of my life in his arms and be happy. No one could tell me different. period.

 

please wait. if you were both 28 already I would say go for it. Because the difference between 28 and older is not so drastic at from the teens/early 20s to 28 or so...... probably not what you want to hear but please consider it and all the other wonderful heartfelt advice you have gotten here. And ask yourself this. How many people do you know who are now in their 30's that got married in their teens? 40's even....? Compare that to the number who didn't make it....It might really open your eyes.....

 

Excellent advice, Robin. I feel exactly the same way. No matter how mature we believe we are at 18, we have not experienced enough life to make a big commitment such as marriage. I could have been married at that age; I'm so glad that I had enough sense to say no. I'm sure we would have been divorced by now.

I will be married next fall when I am 28.

The way that you feel you must get married RIGHT NOW smacks of youthful impulsivity. Why the rush if your love is so strong?? Wait until you're at least 25 and if you're still together, then I would say go for it.

[olivia751]

Hello,

 

I don't understand how you have taken this big decision . Marriage is not just a game it's a very big responsibility. I don't think 18 years is a age of getting married.You have to think again about this. Are you really mentally prepare for getting married and for take the responsibilities.

 

 

 

Regards,

Olivia

[LovelyDaze]

The best advice I can give you is this: wait.

 

 

the difference between you at 18 vs you at 28 is going to be night and day. and it should be. If someone is exactly the same at 28, almost 30 as they were at 18 something is really really wrong. You are going to change tremendously and so is he. You cannot know for sure the "you" at 28 will have the same hopes, feelings, attractions etc as the "you" at 18. I got married at 19 myself the first time. We were AMAZING together, had so much in common and loved each other to pieces....however....The things I found attractive, funny, cute and thought I could not live without changed by 23. By 23 he had grown and changed too and quite honestly, I would have never went on a second date with him had I met him at 25, 28 or older. But at 18 and 19 I thought I could live the rest of my life in his arms and be happy. No one could tell me different. period.

 

please wait. if you were both 28 already I would say go for it. Because the difference between 28 and older is not so drastic at from the teens/early 20s to 28 or so...... probably not what you want to hear but please consider it and all the other wonderful heartfelt advice you have gotten here. And ask yourself this. How many people do you know who are now in their 30's that got married in their teens? 40's even....? Compare that to the number who didn't make it....It might really open your eyes.....

 

I must concur with this 101%!

 

People ALWAYS have a story about "people they know" who's been married 20 or 30 years that are so very happy. Here's two Honest and true statements I will divulge:

 

1. If you know those couples who were married that long, well the times were different then.ESPECIALLY for our grandparents generation where divorce was not a popular choice(Watch the movie "Revolutionary Road"...my God it will free your mind!)

 

2. My best friend is involved with a married man who has been with his wife OVER 30 YEARS! My friend and the older man have been sexually and emotionally in their affair for 2 years and it kills me. Can't tell her enough how wrong this is but she is an adult...well, at least chronologically!

 

So, please...I hope you have decided to wait...if it is a long lasting love, then you will still love each other at 28, 38, 48...