Boyfriend started going to church and I don't like it...

[simon]

i am going to try to explain this so here goes. when we met he did not go to church. i did not know he was even catholic till long time afterwards. we were together very long time with out any mention of church or religion. then one day he says he is going to church. i was floored. the little green eyed monster in me was jealous that he go to church a lone and find some one who goes to church too.

 

so i go to church with him but am not happy to be there. so each week we go together for a while then after a while i realize i am going only because i feel insecure about him going a lone. why i would put my self through this because of jealousy and insecurity.

 

so i made a decision not to go any more unless i want to go too. i trust him now to go a lone. still there was some anger on my part that he ruined our weekend routine with church. still i feel resentment towards him from back then when he goes to church and i wont go with him anymore. i feel angry towards him going to church and it causing us fights in the past, so i take it out on not going with him now

 

i don't care that he goes now but at times i get mad that he goes every sunday and it ruins our routine. i am not supportive of his religion but i do believe in God in my own way church or no church.

 

there are other things as well that he changed and i feel resentment towards other things as well. these things make me mad and angry and i don't like them because they had caused us to fight in the past. when things from the past cause me hurts then i feel resentment and anger towards them in the present.

 

i don't like being this way. i don't like feeling this way. it hurts me to hurt him or not at least support him. i feel i am not good for him because i do no support a lot of what he does. i think i do no know how to give him support or any one support. can some one please help me and tell me how do you give ones you love support even if you do not believe in it.

[Tony T]

The two of you are not compatible and should break up immediately. For you to have such objections to him practicing his religion is not healthy and certainly not the mark of a suitable partner. You, in turn, should never have to compromise your feelings because of a partner.

 

It is most unfortunate that he did not fully disclose his religious beliefs and worship practices at the beginning of your relationship. Nevertheless, that doesn't exempt him from the right to now attend services as he wishes.

 

Go find someone who is more compatible with you, who does not go to church on Sunday, and who doesn't do the other things that upset you. Make it clear to them from the start that these things bother you so they are on notice in the event they may want to change in the future.

 

No man would ever want a lover or partner who objected to them going to church and purusing their personal spiritual interests. This is a very serious matter you should withdraw from immediately and go your merry way. This man has an absolute right to go to church services as often as he withes without the objections of a jealous or otherwise protesting partner.

[simon]

after reading your post i went back and read my post again. it does sound like i object of him going to church and at first i did because mainly it took me by surpirse and it interfered with our routine and of course i admided that i was jealous of him meeting some one there that he might like. that was a long time ago all ready and i do not ever say anything anymore about him going to church.

 

he went this morning in fact and all i asked him was when he got back to help me wrap presents, that was it. i have gotten use to this now and it does not bother me any longer.

 

 

my point had been and still is is that i hold the resentment against him and at times maybe i feel angry towards him for going to church or doing this or that. what ever it would be from the past that has caused us to fight.

 

it just happened that it was the church. i feel that anger about other things that have caused us to fight in the past. the church was an example only. i hold anger still for all the times we had to go to the bar because he was afraid i would try to take away his "freedom" to go out!

 

so when we have to go out, i sometimes feel that anger then too and the resentment of having to go out. just another example though.

my point again is that i have this resentment or anger towards that "thing" that caused us to fight in the past. do you see the difference in what i am saying as opposed to just the church issue?

[moimeme]

You seem to have trouble letting go of past issues. You may need a counsellor to help you with this. There could be many reasons you are this way and we can't really figure it out on this board. You need an expert's opinion.

[Starlight43]

way to go for your boyfriend!! I'm very happy that he decides to go to church every sunday, and get his priorities in order. No offense, but I think its selfish of you to get mad at your boyfriend for choosing God and church over you... he should do that!! everyone should choose God as their first priority, and i think you should respect him for that.

[Arabess]

Simon,

I had a friend once who HATED golfing with a passion. She also hated all the boats on the Navy base. We could just drive past either one and she would frown and cuss. Her husband LIVED to play golf and was in the Navy...often being deployed.

 

Finally, she was going to leave him because she hated living on the base across the street from the golf course. He talked her into some marriage counseling. As it turned out....she didn't hate golf or boats at all....she hated anything which took his time away from her. Her father had ignored her most of her life....and she was afraid and scared of these things which had the capacity of taking yet another man away from her.

 

When I read your posts (both of them).....it reminded me of my friend.

 

Everyone has insecurities. However, when they get to the point where they may ruin a relationship, it's time to deal with them. This guy sounds like a wonderful guy. I respect anyone who respects their religion....regardless of what it may be. It shows real good character on his part.

 

So, try to find out what is REALLY bothering you....so you can grow in this relationship and live happily and peacefully!

 

Arabess

[AprilFool]

A lot of good advice here.

 

You are insecure. I am insecure. That is our problem. The way you support someone is by loving them NO MATTER WHAT. That is VERY hard to do. Realize that you can't change him....so change yourself. If you want to be a loving supportive girlfriend, then you can't whine every time things don't go your way. Try to just accept that he is who he is, and you love him.

 

If you want to make things work with your boyfriend, then try to let him do what he wants/needs to do. You have to MAKE yourself love him no matter what. My husband did things (like playing basketball every Tuesday night) that I was jealous of. He would go play, and I would go with him, because I didn't have anything else to do. I would be the only girl there watching all these men play basketball *PATHETIC*

 

I finally just *CHANGED MY MIND*

 

I decided that it's great that he plays basketball every Tuesday, because I have the whole house to myself. I can turn up the heat as high as I want without hearing him complain, I can turn up the TV as loud as I want, without disturbing him, I can paint my toenails, I can watch whatever I want on TV, I can drive down the road, buy an ice cream, and come home, and I don't have to tell him where I've been......now I look forward to Tuesdays when he won't be home.

 

IT'S GREAT!!! Before, I was lonely......but I changed my mind....now, I'm FREE!!!!

 

See, it's all in how you look at it.

 

Try to be glad that you have a guy that goes to church. That means that he's more likely to be honest, he's less likely to cheat, he's more willing to love, etc etc.

 

And besides that, you have your Sundays free. You and he can be together on Saturday, but you get to do your own thing on Sunday. Maybe you could meet halfway. If he goes in the mornings, that means that you can sleep in, get up without taking a shower, and crash on the couch and waste time relaxing watching TV, then you can take a nice hot bath for an hour, and exfoliate Then, when it's 1 or 2 o'clock, you'll be all cleaned up and ready, and he can pick you up after church, and you can spend the day together, then you can suffer yourself and go with him that night if that's what you chose to do.

 

If you aren't willing to make such an itty bitty sacrafice (3 hours without him Sunday morning, and 2 hours discomfort sitting in church Sunday night) then break up with him. There may be a man out there who is perfect for you, and doesn't go to church.

 

Keep us posted!