After 30 Days of NC, I sent her a message ...

[DenverBachelor]

Although it may not have been technically the best thing to do, I felt in my heart it was the "human" thing to do.

 

I simply told her, "I hope you and your family have a great Thanksgiving."

 

I doubt she'll reply since she is with someone else now. But I feel so much better for taking the higher road.

[DenverBachelor]

I was wrong. Within four minutes, she replied with, "Thank you so much, JayBee (her old nickname for me). That made me cry. I hope you have a wonderful holiday weekend, too!"

 

 

It was the human thing to do because, regardless of how jaded I sound on here, I still very much care about her.

[DenverBachelor]

Ironically, I feel more at ease right now about everything than I have since the breakup. What an amazing feeling ... like 10 tons have been lifted off my shoulders.

[Art_Critic]

You feel weight off your shoulders because you subconsciously think there is still a chance.

 

The problem DB is that she is with someone new..

In reality she was just being nice back to you ..

You need to stop contacting her..

You said it yourself.. She has someone else now..

[DenverBachelor]

You feel weight off your shoulders because you subconsciously think there is still a chance.

 

The problem DB is that she is with someone new..

In reality she was just being nice back to you ..

You need to stop contacting her..

You said it yourself.. She has someone else now..

 

You know, you're a very cynical person on these boards. You seem to be able to read into every situation and as jaded as I sound, you really are. I don't care about a second chance right now. What I care about is that, through the pain I feel, I can reach out and take a higher road. Not everyone has hidden agendas. If we did get together, then it would be great -- but the important thing in my heart and soul is to reach out and open the channels of communication and let her know I still care about her without becoming a doormat. I didn't text her back. I just wanted her and her family to know that I care about them because they were a big part of my life.

[Art_Critic]

By the way.. I'm sorry that you are going thru this..

 

Breakups suck...

[Art_Critic]

You know, you're a very cynical person on these boards. You seem to be able to read into every situation and as jaded as I sound, you really are. I don't care about a second chance right now. What I care about is that, through the pain I feel, I can reach out and take a higher road. Not everyone has hidden agendas. If we did get together, then it would be great -- but the important thing in my heart and soul is to reach out and open the channels of communication and let her know I still care about her without becoming a doormat. I didn't text her back. I just wanted her and her family to know that I care about them because they were a big part of my life.

 

Dude.. I'm not jaded..

I'm happily married with a 2 year old boy...

 

I've been thru a lot in my life.. I'm in my late 40's and honestly I've learned a ton about relationships in that time and one of things is that they ebb and flow with patterns and it isn't hard to see or find the patterns.

 

I'm sorry that your ex has a new guy.. but it isn't me being cynical that is bringing that reality into your life..

It is you contacting her..

 

Oh.. and I always give the advice of NC and moving on when the other person has moved on and has a new person..

That advice isn't me being jaded..

That advice is honestly the healthiest advice for a person going thru something like that.

When there is a chance at a reconciliation my advice changes and I usually will talk about getting back together down the road.. but only when both parties are still working on the relationship.

Edited November 26, 2009 by Art_Critic
spelling

[ATR]

Don't give yourself excuses for contacting her.

You say it's because you wanted to "Reach out and take the high road" - When really it's just you missing her and wanting validation from her.

Stay NC please.

[HeavenOrHell]

I thought you were all for NC, you keep saying how we should all go NC and there's no way there are ever 2nd chances:laugh:

You have posted some of the most cynical posts on LS, as if you were reading into everyone's else's situation, because your own situation was/is s***

Why is LC no good for anyone else but it's ok for you?!

Anyway, I wish you all the best

 

 

You know, you're a very cynical person on these boards. You seem to be able to read into every situation and as jaded as I sound, you really are. I don't care about a second chance right now. What I care about is that, through the pain I feel, I can reach out and take a higher road. Not everyone has hidden agendas. If we did get together, then it would be great -- but the important thing in my heart and soul is to reach out and open the channels of communication and let her know I still care about her without becoming a doormat. I didn't text her back. I just wanted her and her family to know that I care about them because they were a big part of my life.

[SushiOji]

If there was any day NOT to give your ex validation, today would be that day. She will not be hearing from me.

[Kaya]

I thought you were all for NC, you keep saying how we should all go NC and there's no way there are ever 2nd chances:laugh:

You have posted some of the most cynical posts on LS, as if you were reading into everyone's else's situation, because your own situation was/is s***

Why is LC no good for anyone else but it's ok for you?!

Anyway, I wish you all the best

 

.. I noticed this too HOH. I guess we're allowed to excuse Denver just this once. Breakups tend to make all of us a little kooky at times.

 

Let's give him a "second chance" at NC.

[HeavenOrHell]

Agreed

 

 

.. I noticed this too HOH. I guess we're allowed to excuse Denver just this once. Breakups tend to make all of us a little kooky at times.

 

Let's give him a "second chance" at NC.

[2sunny]

you didn't take the "high road" - you took the selfish road.

 

you reached out as a means to communicate... which she did. stroked your ego and gave you hope (the selfish part - based on your own evidence and your written words).

 

the high road is to let her go - let her move on and be happy. that's why NC is important for these situations.

 

look at it honestly and for what it is - selfishly driven actions...

[threebyfate]

Are people interested in helping others or just interested in showing people up? You have to wonder, sometimes.

 

DB, while I strongly believe in NC, I've also noticed that people who never break NC, usually take the longest to heal. While correlation doesn't prove causation, it's something to think about.

 

It's also rare that people don't break NC, one way or another.

[mmk1]

DB, you wrote one of the best posts on another thread about not letting someone use you as a friend. The basis of this is the dumper's need for validation, in other words, using the dumpee to try and make themselves feel good (ego).

 

You just did the same thing. I have done that with my ex and more. Embarassed the heck out of myself before recently saying we could not be friends.

 

Texting her HTG is you looking for validation and an ego stroke from her. Imagine if she did not reply how crappy you would feel. Ironically, even though she replied, you probably still feel crappy because no matter her reply, she is not with you and you are not together. This will be the inevitable result each time you reach out to her.

 

Unless (as the wise Caliguy says) she reaches out to you seeking to reconcile, anything else is going to hurt you and hold you back from eventually finding the girl who does want to be with you, which you will, but not if you keep holding on to this relationship, which, by the way, you are the only one in the relationship.

 

Recognize your mistake (that I have made way too many times!), learn from it and focus on yourself and your own happiness.

 

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

[DenverBachelor]

Interesting responses. It seems most people don't really understand their own intentions and desires and then reflect their insecurities onto others.

 

I'm glad I sent her a text. I told her 30 days ago I didn't want any contact because we both needed time and space to heal. I sent her the text yesterday because it just felt like the right thing to do for the both of us.

 

Since the 46 or so days since we have broken up, I've seen her with her new guy numerous times. We live in the same building. I *have* to run into her by chance now and then. It's just impossible to avoid her and I'm not about to play the idiot by changing my routes, etc.

 

I built a wall 31 days ago by asking for some time to heal -- even then, I still had to run into her and her first rebound within a week of that. It's great when NC works for people who don't have to cross paths, but for others sometimes NC isn't as cut and dry.

 

So in essence, I texted her and she replied back. I didn't expect it but it made me smile that there is no burned bridges. I'm sure a lot of people here will think I have ulterior motives but, in the end, we all have to adapt to our own unique situation.

 

And you know what's awesome? I feel better about everything after having sent the message. I feel relief like I haven't felt in the past. I feel I've gotten the closure I need by realizing that we both know that we don't hate one another. So now I can move on and so can she and if our paths cross in some way or another in the future, then I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

[Confused728]

I have no intenions of texting my ex! Today of all days is not the day to do it. im sure he keeps wondering if i will text him, i wont give him the satisfaction... I bet he wants to text me but since i havent answered his email or his text in the past 8 weeks he prob wont do it... he sent me an email that he has regrets about what happend let him keep feeling those regrets im not about to ease his suffering

[Kaya]

I feel I've gotten the closure I need by realizing that we both know that we don't hate one another.

 

That's great to hear Denver. Glad you're feeling better. I was just joking earlier, as I seem to remember that you were quite adamant about NC in your previous posts.

 

I don't really follow strict NC myself. As you say, each situation is unique. Nothing is ever only black or white.

[Confused728]

i feel its black and white... i feel he didnt want to work things out with me he doesnt deserve me as his freind or even my good wishes mabey im just hatful toward him but i dont care

[threebyfate]

That's great to hear Denver. Glad you're feeling better. I was just joking earlier, as I seem to remember that you were quite adamant about NC in your previous posts.

 

I don't really follow strict NC myself. As you say, each situation is unique. Nothing is ever only black or white.

Most people grit their teeth while using NC. It's tough. It also helps to write about it, by giving advice to others, to not only help them maintain NC but also for you, yourself to maintain NC. Repetition helps.

 

That's why a site like this works well, in that when people provide mutual support to each other, helping each other maintain willpower, you end up learning something about internal strength, with a little help from your friends.

[HeavenOrHell]

Ditto

Please try to not judge others when you are doing the same thing.

I sincerely wish you all the best

 

 

Interesting responses. It seems most people don't really understand their own intentions and desires and then reflect their insecurities onto others.

 

[Confused728]

well i just got a happy thanksgving text from me ex i havent answered, im i being a jerk if i dont answer? what will he think if i dont.. will it bother him more if i dont... ha i want to do whatever will bother him more lol

[mmk1]

DB, please do not get me wrong. I feel I've made more mistakes than anyone in not being able to cut my ex off and go NC. So, you'll get no judgment from me. Advice is easy to give.

 

I too see my ex on a regular basis for business since she dumped me and I told her we could not be friends after trying to be friends for several months. In fact, she works for my best friend, so I understand your situation. Now, when I see her and she says hello, so do I. When she plays the cold hand, so do I.

 

Even with your email, I think you still need to examine why you sent the email. If the email was indeed for closure, I hope you got what you were looking for. I will tell you that your other posts are correct that if you continue contact or try to be friends you will be hurt in the end.

 

DB, I support your need for closure and I hope you can keep NC except when absolutely necessary for your own sake.

Edited November 27, 2009 by mmk1

[DenverBachelor]

DB, please do not get me wrong. I feel I've made more mistakes than anyone in not being able to cut my ex off and go NC. So, you'll get no judgment from me. Advice is easy to give.

 

I too see my ex on a regular basis for business since she dumped me and I told her we could not be friends after trying to be friends for several months. In fact, she works for my best friend, so I understand your situation. Now, when I see her and she says hello, so do I. When she plays the cold hand, so do I.

 

Even with your email, I think you still need to examine why you sent the email. If the email was indeed for closure, I hope you got what you were looking for. I will tell you that your other posts are correct that if you continue contact or try to be friends you will be hurt in the end.

 

DB, I support your need for closure and I hope you can keep NC except when absolutely necessary for your own sake.

 

Thanks man I appreciate it. It was a text, not an e-mail (not that it makes any difference). But I do feel better knowing the air is cleared so that's a good thing.

[Kaya]

Most people grit their teeth while using NC. It's tough. It also helps to write about it, by giving advice to others, to not only help them maintain NC but also for you, yourself to maintain NC. Repetition helps.

 

That's why a site like this works well, in that when people provide mutual support to each other, helping each other maintain willpower, you end up learning something about internal strength, with a little help from your friends.

 

Your'e right, good point noted ThreebyFate