After 30 Days of NC, I sent her a message ...

[DenverBachelor]

So I called a friend up who is a therapist and one of the smartest people I know (much smarter than I). He said a few things:

 

He said it was actually good to send the text that I did because it was short without showing any type of neediness. That is opened up the channels of communication that I closed by asking for NC a month ago.

 

He said the fact that she responded within 3 minutes and, if she was truthful about crying, that she still highly values me as a person and that she still has a lot of feelings for me. He made a good point -- "Would you reply immediately to someone you were frustrated with or didn't want anything to do with? No. Would you reply immediately if you still cared and had a vested interest? Yes."

 

However -- he also said that 1.5 months after a breakup is still very early into the discovery process. When some people break up with another, many times they do so because they are unsure of their own feelings and position in life. The fact that she broke up with me straight after we both went to her best friends wedding shows a very strong fear of long-term commitment. He said that it is very normal for women to make strong transitions like this when faced with that type of situation. Also, the fact that we just made a move, that we both started new jobs, etc. and the fact that she is 26 and is still very young is a very strong indicator that "you were the last remaining element in her past to remove as she was experiencing all of these sudden changes."

 

Apparently, moving is one of the most stressful events and couple with also a partner starting a new job AND her starting a new job brings a lot of anxiety into the relationship.

 

He suggested that I go back into NC and allow her to make "signals" and to develop communication into the future if I was interested in reconciliation. He said to concentrate on my growth, my new job and my personal progress and to release the anxiety of whether we will eventually cross paths or not. I should exercise regularly instead of going on anti-depressants and forge ahead with my goals and to allow her to approach me. I should not ignore her attempts at contact but also remain resolute in my character and position and to present a dominate, expanding and happy personality when she does approach.

 

He said also to erase everything about her current dating habits and the breakup itself and NEVER EVER mention them to her at all. That everything, from this point forward, is a new interaction and that if any type of reconciliation attempt occurs in the future, that I will have to date her and treat it as a new beginning and completely separate the past relationship from the new one. "To bring elements of the past relationship into the new one will show too much continuity between what was and what is and you need to project yourself, your relationship and her feelings towards the new while completely avoiding any discussion of the old."

 

Only after a possible reconciliation should you approach a conversation about the past and only if she approaches the subject. I have to take an affirmative lead and show strength, resolve and leadership while also avoiding any "signals that show desperation or reproach to things past."

 

The bottom line from all of this is that I need to move forward for myself, establish clear boundaries, keep communication open and make her feel that she can make an approach without fear of rejection -- since apparently that is the single most determining factor that keeps one from avoiding a second chance.

 

a) The person must feel comfortable with you without fearing rejecting or having the communication channels closed in their face. They are human and people often make decisions based on "present emotions" and not "established ones."

 

b) One must not display neediness or extreme desire while also showing the other person that they have started to make major changes in their own habits. Habits that once may have been detrimental to the core of the relationship.

 

c) Communication is the key. Apparently most relationships fail because communication was either lacking, misdirected or misinterpreted. Establishing clear lines of communication are crucial to a healthy relationship. The first thing that falters in a relationship when communication becomes "clogged" is that trust begins to falter. That leads to a breakdown of trust (obviously) which then progresses to a destabilization of the relationship itself.

 

d) All people have faults and any attempt at reconciliation requires that both people re-open communication and make productive changes that re-establish an equal footing in the relationship. Apparently all relationships involve power balances and the first thing that a lack of communication causes is a power imbalance that eventually leads to the dissolving of the relationship.

 

e) Time. Barring relationships that involved extreme abuse, infidelity or egregious acts by either party, a successful attempt to reconcile requires, at minimum, 6 months. Most reconciliation attempts that occur before this timespan eventually fail because real changes require months to implement.

 

With that, I am supposed to go into NC with the realization that if she contacts me, I will be polite and cordial while establishing clear boundaries. In the meantime, I have to work out 4 times a week at the gym, continue therapy and define clear goals for myself which include personal development, cultural enrichment, education and "going on dates."

 

So that's that.

[DenverBachelor]

Oh ... and I'm supposed to prepare myself for the possibility that she will never contact me because her relationship could progress and that I will be pushed out of the forefront of her conscious. But not to worry about it for the next 3-6 months because the goals I set for myself are paramount to anything else and, after 6 months, if you hear nothing than at least you'll look like a "beast," have renewed confidence and should be back in the game.

 

So I have that going for me, which is nice (Caddyshack, anyone?)

 

[4givrnt4gtr]

Oh ... and I'm supposed to prepare myself for the possibility that she will never contact me because her relationship could progress and that I will be pushed out of the forefront of her conscious. But not to worry about it for the next 3-6 months because the goals I set for myself are paramount to anything else and, after 6 months, if you hear nothing than at least you'll look like a "beast," have renewed confidence and should be back in the game.

 

So I have that going for me, which is nice (Caddyshack, anyone?)

 

 

Wow i really liked this and the previous post. It made me feel slightly better.

I was devastated that I did not hear from my ex despite having seen him posting lyrics to a really sad song about missing someone (we broke up around 2 months ago or so). I cannot tell whats going on in that crazy mind of his, but i like the idea of just letting it all go for 6 months and just focus on me......it makes so much sense.

 

Thanks for that. You helped me out a huge deal without even knowing it

[Kaya]

Your friend gives great advice. Smart indeed. Good luck on your journey!

[cypresa]

Loved your post!!! that is the perfect thing to be doing... best advice i've read on here.... thanks x

[bluestraps]

Denver , I for one am proud that you are showing confidence. We must remember the one thing that we must avoid is looking like we can't survive without them and looking desperate. I sent my ex a birthday card and a short poem I wrote. I did not mention love anywhere and I did not say I missed her or wanted her back. That was 2 weeks ago. I recently heard from a friend that she was surprised that either I sent it or by what I wroteI think a message or a card is fine especialy if its some time after the breakup, and if its only done once.

[HeavenOrHell]

Wow, good posts DB, really insightful and helpful, many thanks for sharing