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Would you stay in a sexless marriage because of the kids?

SimplyBeingLoved

By SimplyBeingLoved,
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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SimplyBeingLoved

SimplyBeingLoved

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If you no longer were romantically/sexually attracted to your spouse, and knew that you probably would never be (or maybe never were in the first place)... that you basically cared for your spouse as good friend... but that was all... would you stay?

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EmmaLou

EmmaLou

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No I wouldn't... Even with kids you have to look out for yourself and you deserve romantic love. The kids would be happier around parents who are happy and seperate, than together and loveless. It sounds like it could end amicably and you would remain good friends.

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Quinch

Quinch

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I think kids can tell when a parent is unhappy. You can't hide it from them and it will affect them. They look to you as a role model for their future adult relationships and, if you're unhappy, then they'll think that's normal.

 

If you move on and find someone you can love and be happy with, it will be a more positive thing for you and your kids in the long term.

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Toki

Toki

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No. my parents went through a divorce, it was rough and turbulent, but necessary. I'm glad they did it, even if it did cause me to lose my teenage years.

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giotto

giotto

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No. I was ready to walk out (and told her) when we reached an agreement... things are much better, although we still have some problems (not in the bedroom... as a couple).

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Sam Spade

Sam Spade

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No way. Since when are the kids the raison d'etre? The kids will be fine. If not treated well, I'm out of the door, but of course will continue to be a good parent (if a divorced one).

Kids have turned into something like a status symbol. People will do all sort of crazy stuff "for the kids" and will expect medal for it too :). "Let's stay together for the kids" is just a woman's manipulation who is otherwise perfectly happy with the sexless status quo.

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mem11363

mem11363

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Either come to an agreement regarding some level of sexual contact that was mutually acceptable OR an outside lover with ground rules.

 

Being celibate would not be an option. And since being celibate is a life shortening choice I think the options above are sane in that type situation.

 

 

If you no longer were romantically/sexually attracted to your spouse, and knew that you probably would never be (or maybe never were in the first place)... that you basically cared for your spouse as good friend... but that was all... would you stay?
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giotto

giotto

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Either come to an agreement regarding some level of sexual contact that was mutually acceptable OR an outside lover with ground rules.

 

 

Well, that wasn't really the question... if you tried to negotiate and didn't reach an agreement, would you stay then? In a sexless marriage...

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LucreziaBorgia

LucreziaBorgia

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Nope. We went our separate ways, and we have two happy households for our kid. We are still great friends and our kid is happy. StbxH and I both are seeing people who get along with our kid, and we are showing her that it is possible for everyone to be happy even when the marriage breaks. Sometimes it is NOT better to stay married.

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mem11363

mem11363

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My posture would be:

- I need you to do at least "this"

- OR I need you to look the other way - and we won't have any sex at all - which seems what you want anyway - since I don't want to sweat STDs etc

- If neither option is acceptable - then you can divorce ME, I am not initiating a divorce just getting my needs met

 

And I absolutely would start the girlfriend thing even if told not to - and leave the decision to wife as to whether to divorce.

 

I do think it is very abusive to say: I won't have sex with you - or hardly ever - but you can't touch anyone else.

 

 

 

 

Well, that wasn't really the question... if you tried to negotiate and didn't reach an agreement, would you stay then? In a sexless marriage...
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giotto

giotto

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My posture would be:

- I need you to do at least "this"

- OR I need you to look the other way - and we won't have any sex at all - which seems what you want anyway - since I don't want to sweat STDs etc

- If neither option is acceptable - then you can divorce ME, I am not initiating a divorce just getting my needs met

 

And I absolutely would start the girlfriend thing even if told not to - and leave the decision to wife as to whether to divorce.

 

I do think it is very abusive to say: I won't have sex with you - or hardly ever - but you can't touch anyone else.

 

that's better... :)

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mem11363

mem11363

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G,

I respect you for finding a way to hold it together despite being in a difficult situation. You really come across as an exceptionally nice and fair person.

 

I really think the coolest thing in the world would be if we could switch places with our spouses - just for a couple days or a week so we could really truly understand how they feel, how they see us and what they want.

 

And - odd as it sounds that would have to include at least one session of sex.

 

I bet after switching back we would either - file that day OR enjoy a giant improvement in our marriages....

 

 

 

that's better... :)
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seibert253

seibert253

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If you no longer were romantically/sexually attracted to your spouse, and knew that you probably would never be (or maybe never were in the first place)... that you basically cared for your spouse as good friend... but that was all... would you stay?

 

No. Life's too short to settle.

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giotto

giotto

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G,

I respect you for finding a way to hold it together despite being in a difficult situation. You really come across as an exceptionally nice and fair person.

 

I really think the coolest thing in the world would be if we could switch places with our spouses - just for a couple days or a week so we could really truly understand how they feel, how they see us and what they want.

 

And - odd as it sounds that would have to include at least one session of sex.

 

I bet after switching back we would either - file that day OR enjoy a giant improvement in our marriages....

 

thanks for your kind words... unfortunately, I could have done a lot more, many years ago... but I did not have the experience or the mental strength...

 

As far as the "wife swapping" is concerned... that would be fun... but I dread a quick divorce after that... :)

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SoleMate

SoleMate

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With respect to the "stay married and have an outside lover idea"...that doesn't work for me.

 

Anyone I would want to have as a lover, I would not want to put in the position of being an OM (aka 2d choice backup partner). That would tend to hurt his feelings and push him into a stunted form of living. I would not do that to someone I cared about.

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mem11363

mem11363

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Instead of a quick divorce I bet both spouses end up on their knees crying in anguish for the pain inflicted on each other unintentionally over the years.

 

After a week being YOU, your wife would return to being HER with a completely different level of empathy for you and how you feel. And of course the opposite would also be true.

 

I think the divorce would only happen if one of the spouses was very deceitful and had been for a long time. And I do think that is pretty rare and is not the case for you....

 

 

thanks for your kind words... unfortunately, I could have done a lot more, many years ago... but I did not have the experience or the mental strength...

 

As far as the "wife swapping" is concerned... that would be fun... but I dread a quick divorce after that... :)

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giotto

giotto

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After a week being YOU, your wife would return to being HER with a completely different level of empathy for you and how you feel. And of course the opposite would also be true.

 

I think the divorce would only happen if one of the spouses was very deceitful and had been for a long time. And I do think that is pretty rare and is not the case for you....

 

you might be right there... but it took a lot of effort to partially fix it and I'm not going to risk it by putting you in my place... :)

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mem11363

mem11363

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Wait - I wasn't talking about a wife swap like they do on tv.

 

I was talking about a swap where the husband somehow gets mentally swapped into his wifes body - so he can experience life exactly as she does. He gets to be her for a week while remaining conscious and gets to bring his memories of the whole experience back to his body.

 

And while he is in her body, she is in his body/brain with the exact same deal.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As for real life wife swapping I find the idea terrifying. It has taken me 20 years to reach a deep understanding of my wife, certainly I would find any other woman utterly incomprehensible....

 

 

you might be right there... but it took a lot of effort to partially fix it and I'm not going to risk it by putting you in my place... :)
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SimplyBeingLoved

SimplyBeingLoved

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Thanks all for your feedback.

 

Basically all that's left is for me to determine whether this lack of love/attraction is something that can be turned around or not. Been feeling this way a long time (been 2-3 years since I consciously realized it).

 

Otherwise we get along well, but somewhat distant.

 

Seriously considering a separation. :(I know I could "work" on it but my big fear is spending 1-2 years in counseling, only to find that I *still* feel the same way even though things have "improved", which will make me feel even worse for leaving.

 

Edited to add: Work on it *more*. We have gone to counseling. I have let him know of my unhappiness. He is aware of a lot of the issues causing the distance.

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mem11363

mem11363

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If you lack attraction for him - do you know WHY?

 

There are some common causes:

- He just isn't that nice to you - this includes him being outright mean sometimes/angry difficult or dishonest, or just ignoring you

- He is TOO nice to you/he is emotionally crowding you with too much love, verbally and through actions

- He has let himself go physically/is sloppy about grooming

- He is not being a reliable provider/you don't feel secure about him taking care of you

 

 

Thanks all for your feedback.

 

Basically all that's left is for me to determine whether this lack of love/attraction is something that can be turned around or not. Been feeling this way a long time (been 2-3 years since I consciously realized it).

 

Otherwise we get along well, but somewhat distant.

 

Seriously considering a separation. :(I know I could "work" on it but my big fear is spending 1-2 years in counseling, only to find that I *still* feel the same way even though things have "improved", which will make me feel even worse for leaving.

 

Edited to add: Work on it *more*. We have gone to counseling. I have let him know of my unhappiness. He is aware of a lot of the issues causing the distance.

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blair08

blair08

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If you no longer were romantically/sexually attracted to your spouse, and knew that you probably would never be (or maybe never were in the first place)... that you basically cared for your spouse as good friend... but that was all... would you stay?

 

 

No probably not. I think staying for the kids sake can sometimes do more damage than good, to all involved.

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Moose

Moose

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Unlike the general consensus of this world, I personally believe Marriage is a covenant before you, your spouse and God Himself.

 

A sexless marriage does not constitute a divorce in my book. Infidelity is the only acception to this rule.

 

Sex in a marriage is a roller coaster and so is attractiveness. It is my advice that you stick it out and re-light the fire you've had when you first met.

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SimplyBeingLoved

SimplyBeingLoved

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Moose, I'm not religious at all. Well, not in the way that many people on this board may be. And the fact I spoke "vows" that someone else wrote over 15 years ago, while I respect vows, the "stay in a marriage for vow's sake" isn't a strong reason for me.

 

The fire we had when we first met, was very much the fire of meeting someone new, and I believe not as intrinsic to the relationship itself.

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