Would you stay in a sexless marriage because of the kids?

[Moose]

"Infidelity is the only acception to this rule".

 

 

What about abuse of any kind? Especially physical?

Each of which can be dealt with legally and medically.

Moose, I'm not religious at all. Well, not in the way that many people on this board may be. And the fact I spoke "vows" that someone else wrote over 15 years ago, while I respect vows, the "stay in a marriage for vow's sake" isn't a strong reason for me.

 

The fire we had when we first met, was very much the fire of meeting someone new, and I believe not as intrinsic to the relationship itself.

And that is a shame in my honest opinion....integrity doesn't mean much in our country anymore....

[SimplyBeingLoved]

Moose,

 

You and I have very different views on marriage and probably life in general. At least I know where you are coming from. I don't want to derail this thread into one about religion or God.

 

I am not religious, so no opinions based on "religion" will be of any effect to me. It is completely seperate from "integrity." I have been thinking about this very deeply for some time. I do not wish to hurt people needlessly, however, nor do I wish to be untrue to myself. In that way I am trying to live a life of integrity. In my opinion, a marriage where the husband and wife are not living as husband and wife, is, in essence, a lie. It is us pretending. I do not wish to pretend anymore, I want the marriage to reflect what I really believe a marriage should be... or not be in the marriage at all.

[Moose]

Point taken. Just giving you my opinion...that's all.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

If you lack attraction for him - do you know WHY?

 

There are some common causes:

- He just isn't that nice to you - this includes him being outright mean sometimes/angry difficult or dishonest, or just ignoring you

- He is TOO nice to you/he is emotionally crowding you with too much love, verbally and through actions

- He has let himself go physically/is sloppy about grooming

- He is not being a reliable provider/you don't feel secure about him taking care of you

 

I think the "why" is based on personality. It's definitely not crowding, grooming, or his ability to provide. All those are fine.

 

I think it's partly because for years, he has vascillated between being too nice (pleasing), too distant, and having angry outbursts. He's passive-aggressive, and he even admits that.

 

I like him a lot when he's in a good mood. We can share laughs and have some fun. However, despite that, I still have no desire to be "more." I don't feel as if I *need* him or depend on him emotionally. I don't miss him when he's not around. He feels like a brother or close friend. Warm feelings, but not sexual at all.

[stupidgrl]

What the hell does too nice mean?? You want him to be mean to you? I don't get that ****.

 

Why not give it another go, just to see if it works out? But forget the counseling. I would just have sex. All the time. Everywhere.

 

Give him a blowjob when he least expects it -- that might turn his frown upside down. Have sex outside. Rape him in the middle of the night. Go meet somewhere and **** there. Get him drunk, **** in the shower.

 

You could move on to someone else, but it's just going to get boring eventually too.

 

You've already got a lot invested in this one. So it's worth a couple of good ****s anyway.

 

And if it doesn't work out you didn't lose anything.

 

OK, now I'm going to go **** my husband.

 

best of luck!

[SimplyBeingLoved]

stupidgrl...

 

"too nice" means... him not expressing disagreement or disatisfaction, not expressing the things that he wants or what bothers him... trying to "please" and be agreeable... *except* when having an angry outburst, when it anger randomly leaks out in a way that's hard to address.

 

Your suggestion to "have sex all the time, everywhere" is a problem... since... I am not attracted to him that way. Not repulsed, but, he feels like a brother, and the idea makes me feel ... well, queasy might be too strong... but I'm very resistant to it. We hardly ever touch now, even the idea of kissing him passionately has absolutely no appeal. We haven't had sex in a *long* time. There is more to the story, there are definite "issues" but I have left them out because I feel even if those issues were "resolved"... I still might feel this way about him.

 

It would be as if you picked some random stranger on the street and asked me to **** him everywhere. Don't think I could do that either.

[EnigmasMuse]

Well, since people are giving their opinions, here is mine.

 

I'm not real sure if I would or wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage. My guess is, there would be a number of or could be a number of other issues that may have caused it to be that way to begin with. So of course, depending on what they are, that would play a big role in my decision.

 

I deffo know that if there was infidelity or abuse of any kind I would be hitting the road. As matter of fact, its just what I did in my own situation. . I do believe in God as does Moose. However, I believe God wants us to be happy, and I understand we will be tested and things will happen in this life, BUT I also believe HE doesn't want us to stay in a situation that isn't healthy either, and all involved are unhappy. Of course this is just my own belief.

[waltham781]

Great. You saved me the effort of making my first post. I am struggling with this issue and by far I have found a tremendous amount of support and ideas from this site. It has been great reading through all these posts and learning that indeed we are not alone.

 

To stay, IMO, is a ticking time bomb unless something changes for the better. For you it may be some personal growth inside the relationship. But for your children, it all depends on when you feel they are emotionally able to handle you leaving.

 

My own situation at home is quite peaceful. We have in a nutshell made a truce to at least stick it out for the kids for now. On the surface, it seems like everything is moving along swimingly. But behind that, we are only having sex with ourselves. The very reason we are in a sexless marriage is because we put us last once the kids started to arrive, where in fact it should have been the opposite. Big mistake.

 

It is a very difficult thing to get your arms around, and I am afraid the amount of effort this takes on my day or anyones days with all the thinking is taking its toll. I try very hard to find the one thing that let's us move forward knowing we made the right decision.

 

One thing someone told me that stuck in my head was this. If you have been married for 5 years, give it another 5. Tops. If you have been married for 10 years, give it another 10 years. Tops. And so on.

 

The fact that you have made it this far says something about the marriage doesn't it?

[mem11363]

I could not stay married to someone who had a definite sexual aversion to me or someone to whom I had a definite sexual aversion.

 

The passive aggressive thing is hard to live with. That plus the sexual aversion is death. Why would you stay in a situation like that?

 

I bet he is attracted to you - and your sexual aversion is driving him crazy. It will actually be a kindness to him for you to end this. It will hurt him a lot at first, then he will heal and meet someone else as will you.

 

 

 

 

stupidgrl...

 

"too nice" means... him not expressing disagreement or disatisfaction, not expressing the things that he wants or what bothers him... trying to "please" and be agreeable... *except* when having an angry outburst, when it anger randomly leaks out in a way that's hard to address.

 

Your suggestion to "have sex all the time, everywhere" is a problem... since... I am not attracted to him that way. Not repulsed, but, he feels like a brother, and the idea makes me feel ... well, queasy might be too strong... but I'm very resistant to it. We hardly ever touch now, even the idea of kissing him passionately has absolutely no appeal. We haven't had sex in a *long* time. There is more to the story, there are definite "issues" but I have left them out because I feel even if those issues were "resolved"... I still might feel this way about him.

 

It would be as if you picked some random stranger on the street and asked me to **** him everywhere. Don't think I could do that either.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

Had an interesting conversation with hubby today. The kind of conversation we should have had *years* ago. Have you ever had a conversation with a significant other or spouse, and suddenly you are struck by how entirely different their outlook is? And you hadn't fully realized it until the conversation?

 

Basically, we've both been "drifting along" which basically meant we drifted apart. But here's the odd thing... outside of the complete lack of intimacy, which he admits has bothered him (despite him never taking any action nor talking about it)... he has been fairly content with the status quo.

 

Don't think even "attraction" much less "being in love" is something he really even thinks about... it's as if... he's married, has job, comes home, drinks a beer (or two, or three, or seven), self-satisfies with porn... and that's been enough for him. He's not been happy about the lack of intimacy, but he's felt too overwhelmed/busy to deal with it. Meanwhile, the bored housewife, (me) has felt the distance too great, completely lost any attraction or motivation... sigh.