I apologized to my friend- now he is avoiding me! What did i do? (sorry bit long!)

[lookingatyou]

hi there,

 

I have a problem that is bothering me and I hope somebody can help me gain some perspective/insight into it, because I suspect I’ve made a right mess of it.

 

I have a friend, rob, ive known for 4 years on and off. We've talked mainly online- this is how the relationship has developed.

Rob has a girlfriend that he lives with who has cheated on him repeatedly. we know a lot about each others relationships as friends, but recently the communication has become very intense, since perhaps August.

 

We met up on a night out with friends and it felt like a date. We both admitted we were nervous (we hadn’t met in a year), but we ended up hanging out until dawn. Next week, we met again, once again hung out til dawn. In-between these meetings we were logging onto facebook and msn, talking for hours, texting, emailing. We communicated pretty much each day. A few of his friends have said things that made me think he fancied me. I say fancy- there is nothing to 100% confirm deeper feelings. His friends suggested he wanted to impress me, he was asking them if he looked okay and was worried I’d think he looked stupid, and told them he wanted to go to a bar where he thought I might be, but in my presence he can act nonchalant, save for the fact that he will buy my drinks I noticed- not his mates, just me.

 

He’ll say that I’m caring, witty, smart, we have good conversations, but nothing ever physical- ever. he obviously talks about me to his friends as they somehow know who i am and what i do and where i'm from. He’ll say his female friend says I’m pretty and nice. No comment from him. a friend referred to me as him telling them he'd "met somebody called marie", which i though was odd as we've know each other on and off 4 years about. There’s the odd physical touch that makes me feel there’s chemistry, line crossing- like in a club, I might lean up to talk to him, my hand on his shoulders, his hand on my waist. A hug goodbye, or we'll touch each others hair or hands or arms under a pretext, but nothing sexual. In fact we avoid it. A friend of his was drunk one night and she made a sexual innuendo and then quipped “you know Marie- like he wants to do to you!" We did not laugh, I smiled weakly and instead we both sat there staring ahead, poker faced. This is the atmosphere between us.

 

He’ll say he thinks other girls are nice sometimes to me, I’ll graciously point out their shortcomings, he’ll agree. We never ever mention sex, well not in respect to each other certainly. He is a bit shy and has never even paid me a physical compliment- if I say "oh I’m not sure this dress is right for this bar. I should have dressed up!' he wont even say "you look fine!" nothing. We don't "go there" so to speak. It’s all very "appropriate". We both make comments to the effect of "we're friends" “just mates” and we don't make dates one on one. Well, we always say we will, but nobody asks and it never materializes although in a group we will peel off together.

 

But I’m not stupid, I know he has a girlfriend and I think he should leave her (all of his friends agree) recently he discovered she was meeting somebody online and trying to meet for dates/sex and saying some nasty things. He confided in this to me a week ago and said I was the only person he’d told. he lets his girlfriend walk all over him and get away with murder and he feels guilty thinking about leaving as she has mental health and financial problems, he says he doesn’t love her, but he feels responsible towards her. She has no family and threatened to kill herself if he left. meanwhile Rob, who has spent 8 years at college, works in a menial job, that hes stuck in, hangs around with a load of people who work there, some of whom are much younger (hes 35 they are 20ish) and goes out three nights a week to get away from his g.f. although I think hes a wonderful man, caring considerate, generous, sensitive, smart, funny, I get on with his friends and family, hes wasting himself and he allows people to walk over him because of his lack of self esteem and his belief that this is as good as it gets.

 

If I’m honest, I’ve recently been feeling very resentful and frustrated. This man is wonderful, and ive seldom met a man so caring, and I connect with him, but hes trapped in this life and will take no steps to break free. He avoids emotional situations and has admitted they make him feel uncomfortable. He spends his time running about with and for people who don't care about him, who take from him, trying to fit in with idiots, whilst ive been developing these strong feelings for him. It’s not sexual, its more deep affection and protectiveness. I don't think there’s ever really been anybody in his life like that for him, which makes me want to care for him more, but having said that, I will not tolerate any of the above situations. Before I think about anything like that, I want to see him change and be what he can be. I’m not a fool.

 

It all went wrong last week. on aim he was telling me about his gf's affair and how he was thinking about leaving maybe and the conversation moved on to sensitive matters. He then made a so called "joke" that I felt was inappropriate, deeply. I know it was wrong, but I blew my top, and told him to grow up and I didn’t find his silly jokes funny and to take down his stupid front. I said stuff like " don't judge me on your low standards" he accused me of being judgmental, over analytical, and hard to talk to, reactionary etc. I told him I wasn’t one of his silly mates from the warehouse, I’m a 28 year old woman and you don't speak to adult women like that, and if he stopped wasting his talents and hanging around with yes-men 20 year olds and drinking, he’d know that. He said that I’d made it quite clear then, what I really thought and I obviously thought badly of him.

 

It retrospect I was subconsciously venting my feelings/frustrations on him, because I was sick of total honesty between us, except in the respect of you know what. After, we apologized to each other, but it was tense. In his apology he said, hurtfully, that "he forgot, because he just sees me as one of the pub lads, just like his other mates like Sean or Danny". I felt that was a low blow at me and I felt like saying "go and tell Danny your problems then" but I accepted it. We parted on an okish note. He said defo speak soon.

 

When I had space to cool off, I realized I’d been harsh. I sent him a long email apology, saying I didn’t think those things, never would I mean it. I think hes caring, kind, etc, that I was so sorry, and I hadn’t thought about how he was feeling and that I hoped despite him finding it hard to trust, he knew he could still trust me and if he ever needed anything ever, its alright, id help him and I hoped we were still friends. (I was a little emotional, but I got friends to read over it and they said it sounded nice, sincere and genuine, and I hadn’t conveyed that I had "those" feelings for him, just that I loved him as a friend and I valued him.)

 

After two pages of writing, he responded with a line, saying "its cool, defo still friends" I was annoyed he had nothing more to say, especially as I spent a long time writing, but figured he was busy. So I waited. And waited. It’s now been 6 days. Hes not signed into IM since, next to no facebook, twitter, or myspace activity since the weekend. No calls or texts. Nothing. I asked a mutual friend if shed seen him online and she said "nothing." I believe hes purposely appearing offline. I don't know why. a friend told me to text to test the water. I text saying, you’ve not been online for a few days, have you been abducted by aliens? he text back with a story joking about how some aliens had abducted him. from this, I surmised that, no it wasn’t a computer problem, but possibly another one, that wasn't up for discussion. As you can imagine, I feel awful. I don't know what has happened, I blame myself, but I know hes clearly avoiding being on the internet, and by that, I infer that hes avoiding me.

 

What shall I do now? was it the row? Is there something I cant see? was it the apology? was it the awkwardness between us? does he just not like me anymore because I confront him about his situation? I know something is up. Should I ask him what or just leave him be? I’m thinking of giving him a week and then asking if something is the matter and if hes ok. if it was anybody else id ignore him back, but as hes a friend too, I feel awful. thanks so much for your time, if you got this far. x

Edited November 26, 2009 by lookingatyou

[WTRanger]

You've done all you can do. You said what you need to say. Unfortunately there is nothing else you can do, it is all out of your hands. The more you try, the more you can push him away and really put pressure on the situation. I think you just need to lay back, let him come back to you. If he doesn't, well, you have your answer there as well. Remember, that no response is a response in itself.

[Jordanjames]

It sounds like you really like this guy but notice also he is not giving you any attention. I don't want to sound rude but that should be a clear signal that he is just not that into you. If a man is interested in someone he will contact that person no matter what. This guy definitely sounds like he likes the attention you give him and he is getting off on it. I know this will sound hard but I think you need to move on with your life. Try to meet someone else and make yourself happy.