MM filed, served papers and moved out

[jennie-jennie]

So, if you were in this child's position, you would want your father to be away with someone else during the holidays?!

 

Really?

 

This is new for this family and I am simply suggesting that you take things slowly and consider the impact on the people he is leaving behind.

 

He might not be divorcing his daughter, but he certainly didn't take her with him.

 

That daughter may be wondering what is so great about you that he would rather spend his holiday with you than with her. The family may see that child hurting and not know what to say to her without trashing her father in some way.

 

Adults have a right to a personal life and to happiness, and a good mother should help her daughter see that. If the grownups sacrifice their own happiness, how will the child understand that as an adult it itself has the right to happiness?

 

I do understand that it is not easy for the STBXW to help her child right now when the hurt is so fresh, but it has to be her goal.

Edited November 28, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[Angel1111]

It's a rare man who shows this kind of decisiveness and courage. You have a jewel, and I'm sure he sees the jewel in you. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

[tinktronik]

Adults have a right to a personal life and to happiness, and a good mother should help her daughter see that. If the grownups sacrifice their own happiness, how will the child understand that as an adult it itself has the right to happiness?

 

I do understand that it is not easy for the STBXW to help her child right now when the hurt is so fresh, but it has to be her goal.

 

Although I agree that the MM has made a firm and definite decision and that it is most likely for the best of the three adults involved, there is no way to explain to a child that the adult in her life made a choice that his happiness was tantamount at the cost of her own. That is the way a child will see the situation.

 

Hopefully the adults will work their issues out over time and everyone can come to a cease fire and do what's in the best interest of the child involved. This would mean a acquiescence by the W to the reality that her M is over, compassion on the part of Alpha Female to not see the W as a monster or competition and the H steadfastly having normal involvement in an adult manner with his child and some understanding of the shock his W is in.

 

I think the Ws actions at this point are normal, sending messages [an olive branch of sorts] and trying to get her long-time partner to see the destruction that he has rolled out; he is causing pain to both his W and child even if it was not his intent. This is new for her, a plan of action plotted behind her back and carried out suddenly, it could very well take her some time to recoup her senses and begin behaving rationally.

 

Good luck OP and good luck to all involved.

[Alpha Female]

Adults have a right to a personal life and to happiness, and a good mother should help her daughter see that. If the grownups sacrifice their own happiness, how will the child understand that as an adult it itself has the right to happiness?

 

I do understand that it is not easy for the STBXW to help her child right now when the hurt is so fresh, but it has to be her goal.

 

Exactly. But the STBXW isn't the healthiest person to begin with. She was very bitter and mean-spirited before the D, to the point where you could easily call her a man-hater. Even during the tolerable and happy years of their M, she would make the comments along the lines of ALL men sucking or, all men are xyz, (this is because her Dad walked out on the family when she was young, so she's always carried this rage and hatred towards men). I think if she was fine to poison her daughter with this attitude before him leaving her, she's not going to improve her mentality, so who knows how the Mother has already affected the child with her attitude. I can't imagine it's healthy.

 

My guy asked in the D for the STBXW to have sole custody, with him allowed visitation. The daughter is nearly 15, and not of an age where she needs to be flipping weekends. Plus, we live 15 minutes from his old house.

 

It's a rare man who shows this kind of decisiveness and courage. You have a jewel, and I'm sure he sees the jewel in you. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

 

Thank you for the sweet message. We went through a lot to get to this point, but I think when he was faced with the ultimatum of leave her, or lose me, he realized the hardship of D was the lesser evil than not having me in his life. I'm fortunate that he not only loved me enough to not lose me, but that he also had hit the point in his M where he felt like staying there another day would kill him emotionally. He told me the strain of being there physically, while his heart was with me, was finally overwhelming. Thanks again. I think he's pretty super.

 

Although I agree that the MM has made a firm and definite decision and that it is most likely for the best of the three adults involved, there is no way to explain to a child that the adult in her life made a choice that his happiness was tantamount at the cost of her own. That is the way a child will see the situation.

 

Hopefully the adults will work their issues out over time and everyone can come to a cease fire and do what's in the best interest of the child involved. This would mean a acquiescence by the W to the reality that her M is over, compassion on the part of Alpha Female to not see the W as a monster or competition and the H steadfastly having normal involvement in an adult manner with his child and some understanding of the shock his W is in.

 

I think the Ws actions at this point are normal, sending messages [an olive branch of sorts] and trying to get her long-time partner to see the destruction that he has rolled out; he is causing pain to both his W and child even if it was not his intent. This is new for her, a plan of action plotted behind her back and carried out suddenly, it could very well take her some time to recoup her senses and begin behaving rationally.

 

Good luck OP and good luck to all involved.

 

Agree with all of it, and mostly the bolded part.

 

The child is almost 15, so while still a very young adult, she is at the age where understanding adult relationships isn't entirely foreign, and I am quite sure a lot of her friends/classmates are in the same boat. It's not like she's a little one who can't grasp why Daddy is suddenly missing.

 

I am not convinced that the STBXW won't always be bitter and nasty, but I'm going to stay hopeful for all involved. He is trying very hard to stay involved with the child, but she keeps blocking it as revenge. I don't view her as competition, I just don't appreciate her blasting my man and trying to make him feel badly about his choice. While I get where she's coming from, her tactics are not only back-firing on her, but also stalling the D. I think it's best she come to terms with this, so that all parties involved can move on. Her messages aren't generally olive branchy to him (nor were her messages to me - the mouth on her!), as she mostly belittles, emasculates, and spews such hate at him, there is nothing productive coming from it. But as you said, hopefully in time she will get over the shock, and understand this is her new reality.

[DiDi123]

AF,

I am so happy for you. And I think you are looking at things realistically.

 

Generally when people behave as you have described her as behaving it usually isn't about the person/people she's screaming/name calling at. Its usually about her. Because she has some of her own issues (maybe control?) and she can't get those under control she projects how she feels about herself onto others.

 

I think your doing swell under the circumstances and smart to brace yourself (ever so slightly) for the few inevitable bumps that might come your way throughout the divorce process. If this woman feels this way now- I feel sorry for his daughter- imagine the stress she must feel daily? She'll probably be glad to come and stay at YOUR house just to get a break!

 

All smiles and hugs for you!!!! Please don't stop posting!!!

[Alpha Female]

AF,

I am so happy for you. And I think you are looking at things realistically.

 

Generally when people behave as you have described her as behaving it usually isn't about the person/people she's screaming/name calling at. Its usually about her. Because she has some of her own issues (maybe control?) and she can't get those under control she projects how she feels about herself onto others.

 

I think your doing swell under the circumstances and smart to brace yourself (ever so slightly) for the few inevitable bumps that might come your way throughout the divorce process. If this woman feels this way now- I feel sorry for his daughter- imagine the stress she must feel daily? She'll probably be glad to come and stay at YOUR house just to get a break!

 

All smiles and hugs for you!!!! Please don't stop posting!!!

 

Thanks, Didi! Considering your situation, the fact you can be genuinely happy for me and supportive, shows a lot about your (wonderful) character. Hope you're feeling better today.

 

It's funny you mention the control thing, because when my guy went to see the therapist last week, he said that she seemed pretty controlling. And that's putting it lightly. And very astute for him to pick up on that in just one session with her!

 

Yes, I do feel badly for his daughter for sure. She is naturally being poisoned by the mother, which is to be expected to a certain degree. But the text from her last night to my guy was so disrespectful, I see why he felt ganged up on, and left out in that family.

 

Definitely staying realistic, as we are both prepared for things to get really ugly, if it goes that way. Otherwise, daily he seems less impacted by her, and more settled in her like my house is now his house, as he's already having his friends over and has stuff all over - lol.

[DiDi123]

Good- I'm glad he's comfy in your house

I may be be going through a rough time- BUT I am not one of those people who feels "misery loves company". I don't want anyone to feel like I'm feeling

 

I'll bet that your guy feels much inner peace not having to live in an environment that's so hostile and stressful.

 

And for anyone that has an opportunity to be happy- BE HAPPY!!!

And then let me live vicariously through you, ok?

[DiDi123]

Can I ask how old you are? and how old he is? And what part of the world you live in?

[Die Hard]

What happened to his son?

 

You keep referring to his daughter, rather than children.

In this thread it was a son he didn't want to hurt. Doesn't seem to make sense. You said he is not divorcing his "child" earlier. So is it a son or daughter?

 

Everyone keeps talking about the daughter, but what about his son?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201666/

 

Just trying to fully understand the situation.

Edited November 28, 2009 by Die Hard

[1Angel]

Wait, the MM you are involved with has had affairs on two wives and now left wife #2 for you? It started six weeks prior to 9/10/09. You called it off at that time, then it started up again. Now he serves his wife divorce papers and goes on a vacation with you right before Thanksgiving 2009.

I feel sorry for his daughter, son both whatever the actual story is.

[Die Hard]

Wait, the MM you are involved with has had affairs on two wives and now left wife #2 for you? It started six weeks prior to 9/10/09. You called it off at that time, then it started up again. Now he serves his wife divorce papers and goes on a vacation with you right before Thanksgiving 2009.

I feel sorry for his daughter, son both whatever the actual story is.

 

I just always like to go back and read the backstory so as to get the "full effect" but in alpha's case I can't make any sense out of any of it. In the post you are referring to alpha says she needs advice because this is her first and last affair but then here in post #15 she says she has been in an affair before:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t208436/

 

None of it makes any sense and facts seems to change to fit an argument etc..

 

Again not saying anything is up just trying to get the full picture

[bentnotbroken]

I'm glad your happy- and its nice to hear that some MM do "grow a set" and stand up for themselves.

 

Enjoy your happiness!! You deserve it!!!

 

 

What did he grow a set of? It certainly wasn't balls. How do you cheat on two wives and blindside the current one during the holidays and go on vacation in the midst of turmoil. Not sure what he grew, but it wasn't a backbone, balls or standards.

[Die Hard]

What did he grow a set of? It certainly wasn't balls. How do you cheat on two wives and blindside the current one during the holidays and go on vacation in the midst of turmoil. Not sure what he grew, but it wasn't a backbone, balls or standards.

 

I think a healthy dose of skepticism is warranted here based on some past posts and the timing of this thread(thanksgiving day). This is the internet after all.. I suggest folks wait to comment, pour a cup of coffee, and RE- read past threads for backstory and then comment.

 

Again I'm not making any accusations. I just think it important to have all the "facts" before commenting. to come to any conclusions based on this single thread would be irresponsible of us all, imo, what with the wealth of info already posted previously.

Edited November 29, 2009 by Die Hard

[RedDevil66]

denial and deception has NO rhyme or reason.

[northstar1]

No, it isn't like saying that. A drug addiction is the result of a severe psychological/emotional breakdown; a state of self destruction.

 

The "affair" in the case of a man in a woefully terrible marriage, someone holding on by the noose of family obligations, a hopeful early promise, and a load of guilt foisted on him, is born of a natural and healthy human longing--and is certainly not evidence of random, irrational "addiction".

 

Those men who repeatedly, and indiscriminately, cheat might be considered the "addicts".

 

But so are those men, in my opinion, who stay in bad marriages--delusional, unhealthy, self-destructive marriages, more deadly than any narcotic.

 

OE

 

he has cheated before, both on this wife and the first one- hence

why I asked about his chance of a relapse down the road.

Hence my drug analogy.

 

If the op is confident he will stay faithful to her then that's all that matters then

[Susmay]

Hmm... quite a lot of inconsistencies in Alpha's story, methinks.

 

No matter this is the internet after all and there's no obligation to be truthful on this forum is there Alpha?

 

What really gets me is the number of posters (presumably OW) who are offering almost jubilant congratulations to Alpha on "getting her man".

 

I can only imagine the condemnation that would be meted out by those same posters to any BW who tried to congratulate another BW because her H had thrown the OW under the bus.

 

Frankly I find it despicable that anybody could be taking such pleasure in the destruction of some poor blindsided and devastated wife (and child) in these circumstances [didn't Alpha call her a "beast" in an earlier post]. I wouldn't find it acceptable to have this done to an OW either; but boy what a double standard some of the posters have.

[jennie-jennie]

I think a healthy dose of skepticism is warranted here based on some past posts and the timing of this thread(thanksgiving day). This is the internet after all.. I suggest folks wait to comment, pour a cup of coffee, and RE- read past threads for backstory and then comment.

 

Again I'm not making any accusations. I just think it important to have all the "facts" before commenting. to come to any conclusions based on this single thread would be irresponsible of us all, imo, what with the wealth of info already posted previously.

 

What does Thanksgiving have to do with anything?

 

It was an Exit Affair. She got her MM. That is all that matters.

[whichwayisup]

It was an Exit Affair. She got her MM. That is all that matters.

 

This means nothing. Life happens, people change their minds, stuff gets in the way. If you or anyone else believes, "SHE GOT HER MM, that's all that matters", let's say time will tell.

 

This guy has a cheating habit, he's done it twice already. He's no prize.

[bentnotbroken]

This means nothing. Life happens, people change their minds, stuff gets in the way. If you or anyone else believes, "SHE GOT HER MM, that's all that matters", let's say time will tell.

 

This guy has a cheating habit, he's done it twice already. He's no prize.

 

 

 

This bears repeating. Over and over and over and................................

[SadandConfusedWA]

I read the back story and something doesn't add up. Plus this thread seems a bit too good to be true for AF. MM got a divorce and took her on a tropical vacation? It sounds like........fiction.

 

Even without reading the back story, it didn't really ring true. Now with the back story hmmmm.

[fooled once]

hmmmm...... yes, re-reading back history does make you wonder...

 

married, affair, married, affair...

 

1st affair, or not...

 

son vs daughter

 

nasty words/name calling the blindsided wife.

 

victory dance cause she got her man, the lieing cheat that she hated less than a month ago

 

interesting......

[Meranna]

I haven't read Alpha's backstory and I understand that there may be inconsistencies and a "too good to be true" feeling about all of this. However, I try not to judge too harshly since this type of forum is one where posters may want to change certain factors of the relationship to preserve anonymity (as in the son/daughter issue). I'm truthful in all of my posts because it only helps me, but there have been times I've been nervous about providing too much information and considered changing certain INNOCENT things in my situation to keep the anonymity.

 

Just food for thought......

[DiDi123]

When I said "he grew a set" I meant that at least he finally followed through with what he was going to do. I have used that phrase with respect to my situation and I guess what I'm trying to literally say is great- he finally took some action and isn't waffling with Alpha anymore.

 

Can't we be happy for those that have found happiness. I didn't know about the other other times he cheated- but regardless I'm here looking for support in my situation and when I read about other situations and can be supportive of anothers situation (whether it be a shoulder to lean on or offer up congrats because things have turned out well for them) than I'm going to do so.

 

Alpha is happy with her life and isn't that all what we are looking for?

 

Her guy is in therapy and is making an effort with her (serving papers/moving out) so why can't we all provide her with support?

[1Angel]

hmmmm...... yes, re-reading back history does make you wonder...

 

married, affair, married, affair...

 

1st affair, or not...

 

son vs daughter

 

nasty words/name calling the blindsided wife.

 

victory dance cause she got her man, the lieing cheat that she hated less than a month ago

 

interesting......

 

This one is worth repeating again too. Serial cheater as the "prize.":rolleyes: She's going to need a lot of luck.

[jennie-jennie]

This one is worth repeating again too. Serial cheater as the "prize.":rolleyes: She's going to need a lot of luck.

 

My two exSOs were both serial cheaters. I know what that looks like. This guy looks like a guy with Exit Affairs. He has been in his last marriage for 17 years I believe, and I don't think his first marriage was short either.

 

He did have an affair a year ago, that is true, which is a bit of a red flag. It might however have been a failed exit affair.