MM filed, served papers and moved out

[LucreziaBorgia]

Whatever the case may be - truth, fiction, inconsistencies, multiple affairs, what not, time will always tell in the end. What holds true now may not hold true in a year, or two years.

Edited November 29, 2009 by LucreziaBorgia

[Ellin]

Hi, Alpha Female. So happy for you!!

 

From where I'm standing right now, and after all the gloomy perspectives constantly being spelled out to OW in here, I felt like reading a fairy tale when I read your post, only that it is real, which makes it so much better.

 

Congrats and all the best!

[bentnotbroken]

Hi, Alpha Female. So happy for you!!

 

From where I'm standing right now, and after all the gloomy perspectives constantly being spelled out to OW in here, I felt like reading a fairy tale when I read your post, only that it is real, which makes it so much better.

 

Congrats and all the best!

 

 

I wasn't aware fairy tales equated to real life situations. I don't know whether he story is true or false. It really doesn't matter. The male (not even close to being a man) described in this scenario is a piece of work that should be avoided at all cost.

[ADF]

OP, how long do you think it will be before this man cheats on you?

[2sunny]

sheez, this thread has taken a turn since i last read it...

 

either way, i have two questions.

 

with the "coming out" why does he feel that this has to be so public this fast? he just left the marital home a few days ago and has someone new on his arm this fast? i think it is wise to move into public view slowly... so that folks can essentially get used to the new idea of him having a new gal... it's hard for people he's known for years to just switch gears so fast.

 

also, why didn't he ask for shared custody of his son? to give his stbxW sole custody is crazy in this day and age... even father's that are partially involved in kids lives usually ask for 50/50 custody these days. this just baffles me. what is his reasoning/logic?

Edited November 29, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hopeless4u]

Please don't bash his STBXW right now considering how he did things and the timing of it all.

 

No one here would like to be basically abandoned without knowing where their spouse is over the holidays. That chid is not being used, that child is wondering where its father is at such an important time. That child will NEVER forget this holiday. Ever. This whole family - extended, and his included - will never forget what he has done. And guilt that he feels is likely only to be increased over time.

 

That said, strap in. The roller coaster is JUST getting started.

 

My xMM has used Christmas as an excuse, then it will be D birthday, his birthday, S birthday, wedding anniversary and so on....there is never a good time.

As for the child being used, IMO yes she is being used, hopefully not knowingly but it's her mother's job to put her 1st, no matter what is going on in the M. I have been the BW and my child was 9 and I did everything in my power to protect him from the fallout. I'm sure her parents want the best for her and the situation is crap but her mother should never try to make him feel guilty because of the child.

 

Anyway.....good on you AF, I'm sure there are hard times ahead and things will be tough at times but you sound as if you can both handle things.

Lots of OW out there I'm sure are holding out hope (me included:p) but unfortunately I think you have yourself 1 in a million there and most of us don't so lets not all get starry eyed.

 

So happy for you:)

[jennie-jennie]

So it is interesting, I have kind of followed AF's story the last month, although not reading every thread. If I remember correctly, the BSs of LS were all over AF supporting her to go NC, and letting her vent her anger towards the MM. Now when the NC has resulted in AF actually getting her man, the BS are tearing her down. One could easily draw the conclusion here, that BS only like when OW go NC as long as it results in the end of the affair.

[Ellin]

So it is interesting, I have kind of followed AF's story the last month, although not reading every thread. If I remember correctly, the BSs of LS were all over AF supporting her to go NC, and letting her vent her anger towards the MM. Now when the NC has resulted in AF actually getting her man, the BS are tearing her down. One could easily draw the conclusion here, that BS only like when OW go NC as long as it results in the end of the affair.

I've also noticed that they are a little supportive when OW expresses a lot of guilt and self-condemnation.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm not a BS by any stretch of the imagination, but I have trouble being happy for an OW in this situation, particularly when this will be the second time MM has cheated his way out of a marriage. If anything I would look past the "score!" tone of the post (which is what I suspect a good deal of negative posts are responding to rather than just the fact that an OW ended up with a MM) and be concerned for AF's future with this guy. It sounds like he is capable of causing great hurt to others with little or no remorse. I don't see what has happened as necessarily a good thing so much as I see it as part of a pattern of behavior on his part that will more than likely repeat itself, and at AF's expense.

 

AF, I may not be encouraging in the sense that people who are happy for you are, but I can say this - be careful, go slow and protect your heart. I would not consider any sort of legal relationship with this man without a lot of individual and premarital counseling first in order to build a healthier relationship than the last two (and more including any other OW he had during his first two marriages).

[Alpha Female]

with the "coming out" why does he feel that this has to be so public this fast? he just left the marital home a few days ago and has someone new on his arm this fast? i think it is wise to move into public view slowly... so that folks can essentially get used to the new idea of him having a new gal... it's hard for people he's known for years to just switch gears so fast.

 

also, why didn't he ask for shared custody of his son? to give his stbxW sole custody is crazy in this day and age... even father's that are partially involved in kids lives usually ask for 50/50 custody these days. this just baffles me. what is his reasoning/logic?

 

 

He left her over two weeks ago. It wasnt a few days ago. And we are both tired of hiding our R in the shadows, and would like to get on with our lives. Yes, we went to his industry event last night, because he wanted me there with him. He doesnt owe casual acquaintances adjustment time.

 

Their child is almost 15, and since we live 15 minutes from his prior home, he knew his child would not have an interest in spending overnights at our home, so he didnt see the point in forcing it on her. As it is, he sees her quite regularly, pretty much daily, and since she is a young adult, she is more than capable of texting him and calling him when she needs/wants to, which she does quite freely.

 

So it is interesting, I have kind of followed AF's story the last month, although not reading every thread. If I remember correctly, the BSs of LS were all over AF supporting her to go NC, and letting her vent her anger towards the MM. Now when the NC has resulted in AF actually getting her man, the BS are tearing her down. One could easily draw the conclusion here, that BS only like when OW go NC as long as it results in the end of the affair.

 

Is this a surprise, though? Its the pattern of this forum.

 

But, it doesnt affect me in the slightest. He and I are ridiculously happy. We are both in awe of how amazing it is to be together. It truly is better than we could have ever fantasized about (which we both did quite a bit of!). We are commited to each other, and continue to feed and nurture our life as a new couple. His friends are all very supportive of his decision, and the more people find out about us, the more we receive support. I have his friends telling me how happy I have made him, and how good I am for him. I think they had too many years of seeing him beaten down in that M.

 

HOPELESS4U - thanks for the kind words. I really think this has come to pass for two critical reasons. One that he really was at his breaking point in the M. He tells me he just couldnt stand the thought of spending another day waking up in the house, and not feeling any hope for his future. Second, is that he genuinely loves me, and also realized giving up his prior home life for the unknown with me was the better option than living the same life without me in it.

 

Remember, when he filed for D, he didnt know for sure I would take him back at that point. He filed because he was done with the M, and if I didnt take him back, he still would have left.

 

Thanks again.

[candoit]

alpha female i am really happy for you . How long were you an other woman ?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Their child is almost 15, and since we live 15 minutes from his prior home, he knew his child would not have an interest in spending overnights at our home, so he didnt see the point in forcing it on her. As it is, he sees her quite regularly, pretty much daily, and since she is a young adult, she is more than capable of texting him and calling him when she needs/wants to, which she does quite freely.

 

Things like this are more complicated that you think. I grew up in a home with multiple OW/MM situations - philandering parents, merry go round of marriages, and by the time I reached her age I was already in my first OW situation, and continued to be so with married guys, engaged guys, guys with girlfriends, etc for years and years. She will continue to look for her father in guys who cheat, and will continuously and subconsciously fight for his 'love' in the way that she sees 'love' - that it should come at other's expense if it is to mean anything. His ease in walking away from her, and his ease in walking out on her family (even though 15 sounds grown enough to handle it, it really isn't) and moving on to a woman who enabled him to cheat will establish a pattern for her just like it did for me and for a lot of other OW out there.

 

You may think you are in the clear, but be prepared for a lifetime of underlying hostility. Behind that smile and apparent ease with the situation might be a rage you and your MM may not be prepared for.

 

With the triumph at 'getting your man' comes some serious and long term fallout, and I can only hope you are understanding and willing to accept that your good will come with some bad, and that all parties are able to handle it when it surfaces.

 

Just sayin' - be careful.

[Lucky_One]

Their child is almost 15, and since we live 15 minutes from his prior home, he knew his child would not have an interest in spending overnights at our home, so he didnt see the point in forcing it on her. As it is, he sees her quite regularly, pretty much daily, and since she is a young adult, she is more than capable of texting him and calling him when she needs/wants to, which she does quite freely.

 

Do you really believe that? Why would a young girl NOT want to spend time with her father? It's not like he would be asking her to stay a gazillion miles from her friends or activities during his visitation time.

 

Isn't it important to him (if for nothing else but for HER sake?) that he build a strong, close relationship with his daughter outside of his marital relationship? Having a place where she can practice cooking for him, where she has a place to talk to him in privacy about her parent's marriage, a place where she can discuss life and growing up questions with him - without his OW hovering over his shoulder?

 

Building confidence to have a close and loving relationship takes time, effort, and a place to have this happen in. Swinging by for 15 minutes to say "Hi! How was school? Sorry, have to run and have blissful sex with my OW - check ya on the flip side!" isn't conducive to building that.

[whichwayisup]

since she is a young adult,

 

Sorry but a 15 year old is not a young adult. She's a TEEN!! She can't vote, can't drink, can't drive.. NO way is she a young adult.

[Alpha Female]

alpha female i am really happy for you . How long were you an other woman ?

 

Thank you!

 

We started the EA in late June, and then the PA in early August. So, depending on your calculations, either 5 months, or 3 months. I have to say I didn't develop real feelings for him until early September, and thats when we started seriously talking about him getting out, and us being together.

[OWoman]

Their child is almost 15, and since we live 15 minutes from his prior home, he knew his child would not have an interest in spending overnights at our home, so he didnt see the point in forcing it on her. As it is, he sees her quite regularly, pretty much daily, and since she is a young adult, she is more than capable of texting him and calling him when she needs/wants to, which she does quite freely.

 

AF, I too have some concerns regarding this (and I'm not a BW). Shared custody can mean many things - it's not necessarily 50/50, and with a child of that age is usually negotiated according to her preferences. What concerns me is not the logistics of the custody arrangement (and 15 minutes away is NOTHING - we live 40 minutes away from my H's xW and consider it close; friends who share custody 50/50 live two hours away from each other, and it works!) but the signal he is sending his daughter by requesting that the W has full custody. That's not the same as agreeing to allow her to have full custody instead of engaging in a bitter fight - this is pushing the child at her whether she wants her or not (or at least, that's how it can be seen). For a child who's just seen her mother dumped for someone else, it's very hard to tell that apart from what's happened now to her - to an impartial observer, it looks awfully like he's dumped BOTH of them.

 

Sure, she's old enough to text him whenever she wants to see him - but why should that onus fall to her? Why should it be up to her to indicate that she wants to see him, rather than him signalling that she's still very much a part of his life, despite him having dumped her mother? This is putting way too much responsibility on her, IMO - she's left to be the one fighting for a R with her father. Perhaps he does phone her, or pop by, regularly - that's a very different thing to saying, my home is your home and you're as much a part of it as AF is, and you have as many rights here as you do at your other home. It's a very different thing having the law underscore that you have a right to a presence in another home, and feeling that you miss your Dad and want a chat and picking up the phone, not knowing what you're interrupting in his other life that you know nothing about having been excluded from from the outset.

 

I'm sure neither of you intended it to come across in that way, but it's very easy for his daughter to read it that way in the circumstances. I'd suggest that he has a word with his daughter to discuss with her what she'd prefer in terms of custody / visitation, and to get that formally written into the divorce settlement, with a clause stating that it's open to change according to the daughter's wishes, so that she feels she has some voice in all of this rather than being shoved around by her parents and their lawyers. It's a tough position for a kid of that age to be in, feeling strongly about issues but not being allowed a say in them. Rather than assuming what she may or may not want - however accurate his assumption might be - she needs to feel that she is being listened to and her views taken into account.

 

Unless he really has written off any prospect of a positive relationship with her in the future.

 

Good luck!

[Alpha Female]

Thanks for the continued commentary on his R with his daughter. Everything is fine in that regard, and both he and her are working out the kind of dynamic that THEY want to have. They are chosing the extent of involvment they both want, separate from input from the WTBXW, me, or the courts. And this is all that matters to me. So long as both of them are content with the arrangements and getting their needs met, as they are at the moment, then Im not going to concern myself with it, and neither should anyone else.

[norajane]

So it is interesting, I have kind of followed AF's story the last month, although not reading every thread. If I remember correctly, the BSs of LS were all over AF supporting her to go NC, and letting her vent her anger towards the MM. Now when the NC has resulted in AF actually getting her man, the BS are tearing her down. One could easily draw the conclusion here, that BS only like when OW go NC as long as it results in the end of the affair.

 

What I think is interesting, and perhaps something OW should note, is how quickly this went from affair to exiting the marriage, i.e., if a man really wants to leave his wife, he will file for divorce and not dilly dally for years.

 

It may take the OW standing up for herself and what she needs and wants out of the relationship - and that may take the form of breaking up with him - but if a MM really wants to end his marriage, he won't wait act like a cake-eater and string the OW along indefinitely.

 

So if an OW really wants to know what the deal is with MM, sitting around and waiting without forcing the issue is only to her detriment. Had AlphaFemale not broken up with him and gone NC, she might still be waiting.

[Alpha Female]

What I think is interesting, and perhaps something OW should note, is how quickly this went from affair to exiting the marriage, i.e., if a man really wants to leave his wife, he will file for divorce and not dilly dally for years.

 

It may take the OW standing up for herself and what she needs and wants out of the relationship - and that may take the form of breaking up with him - but if a MM really wants to end his marriage, he won't wait act like a cake-eater and string the OW along indefinitely.

 

So if an OW really wants to know what the deal is with MM, sitting around and waiting without forcing the issue is only to her detriment. Had AlphaFemale not broken up with him and gone NC, she might still be waiting.

 

 

Exactly!

 

He had wanted to get out of the M for years, which is why now it is so easy for him to fully immerse himself in a new life without her and the trappings of his old life. He did all of his waffling and final decisions before he left, which is also why now that hes with me, he has never once had a regret or second thought. He already walked through all that (and dragged me with him! lol).

 

I broke it off, and we went NC for a week. Then we were in contact, and he was so miserable without me, I took that opportunity to give him the ultimatum. Two (business) days later, he filed. And without further contact, nor prompting from me.

 

Yes, he really loves me, but he also really wanted out of that M long before we ever met. Its a situation of proper timing and stars aligning.

 

I wasnt going to let him string me along, and he hadnt done that. I pulled the trigger because of my own paranoia he wouldnt move out on the date we had decided upon. Ill never know on that one, since I broke it off before the date occured.

 

Still, I totally agree with you. I think you get to a point as an OW where you simply wont be the OW another day, even if it means you lose MM forever. I got to that point, at the same point that he realized he couldnt live without me, and also summoned the courage to leave a long-standing M.

 

Personally, I would encourage any OW to do what I did if she has a desire for more than the A. I was willing to lose him for life, than be his second fiddle. If you get to that point, then the ultimatum will only bring good things. Either it makes him react and leave the M, or it makes the OW realize he would never leave to begin with. Both are good outcomes in my book.

[Trimmer]

What I think is interesting, and perhaps something OW should note, is how quickly this went from affair to exiting the marriage, i.e., if a man really wants to leave his wife, he will file for divorce and not dilly dally for years.

 

I think that's an astute point.... But does it really apply here? If he wanted to leave his wife, it didn't all just develop in the last couple months of the 17 years he was married to her - it was probably simmering for a long time. He did dilly-dally - he couldn't do it without an exit affair, the OP said it herself:

But I think my situation is different in that he was really looking for an exit A, and I knew this from the get-go. He wasn't a guy who liked a little side dish from time to time and would never leave his W.

So no, he wasn't a cake-eater, stringing along an OW forever, but he may be a more pernicious type, the serial vine-swinger, not able to let go of one relationship and fly on his own before he has another one in hand.

 

He was a guy who was terribly unhappy in a bad M, and is also one of those who cannot be alone and not be in a R.

 

So no, maybe he's not the cake-eater, but jeez, can the guy stand on his own two feet as an adult? As a father? As a partner? As a man? Won't all of these things factor into the long-term relationship she is now starting to build with this "man?"

 

It may take the OW standing up for herself and what she needs and wants out of the relationship - and that may take the form of breaking up with him - but if a MM really wants to end his marriage, he won't wait act like a cake-eater and string the OW along indefinitely.

My point, in summary: if a married man was in such a bad marriage and wanted to end it, he would stand on his own two feet and do it, accept responsibility for his decisions and his commitments to his kids, and not use an OW as an escape stragegy.

 

Remember, when he filed for D, he didnt know for sure I would take him back at that point. He filed because he was done with the M, and if I didnt take him back, he still would have left.

Ah, but you just said he is "one of those who cannot be alone and not be in a R." So much as you may objectively rationalize that he did this free of the certainty that you would be waiting for him, he must have believed you would be there for him....and when you consider it, why would he have had any reason to think otherwise?

 

I know there's all this celebratory dancing about what a beautiful fairy tale this has turned out to be and how the daughter will be just fine because she's almost an adult, and won't suffer any sense of loss or abandonment, etc... Setting all that aside, and looking at the health and value of this new relationship you are starting, I have to ask, don't these two points scream out as red flags:

 

But I think my situation is different in that he was really looking for an exit A, ...and is also one of those who cannot be alone and not be in a R.

Am I the only one who sees these as signs of someone ill-equipped to handle committed, adult relationships?

 

And again, to make this point in your own words, weren't you just convinced, a couple months ago that:

I think your right that he will continue this pattern for the rest of his life. Im just glad I figured it out before I got sucked in.

[norajane]

So no, he wasn't a cake-eater, stringing along an OW forever, but he may be a more pernicious type, the serial vine-swinger, not able to let go of one relationship and fly on his own before he has another one in hand.

 

Oh, I agree with you on that point. I just don't think that's going to change how AF feels about him nor make her any less interested in being with him.

 

I was coming at it from the perspective of what other OW's might want to consider about their own relationships, especially if they've been an OW for years and are still waiting around for MM to do something. Waiting around indefinitely is not the answer.

[RedDevil66]

Yes, he really loves me, but he also really wanted out of that M long before we ever met. Its a situation of proper timing and stars aligning.

 

 

Do you think someone you've known a few months loves you? You were his way out of a sh*tty marriage.

Real love does not grow in a short 5 months. It takes years.

 

Mark my words, you're going to be his next BS. It's sad how this whole situation has made you totally delusional

You are going to have a rough ride

[howcouldInotknow]

You know what Trimmer I agree with you and I am a former OW. Nothing is scarier than a man who is addicted to commitment. But at the same time everyone is different. I do think using the term "fairy tale" is somewhat mocking of the OP, so I actually do not think that is a word we all should use. Everything is not going to be cake and cookies for their relationship but if she is prepared to work at it and fight for this relationship that is her right. At the end of the day the pain that will be felt will be her own and that is something she will have to deal with in the future if that day ever comes.

I know of stories where the OW does get her happy ending and people can change. My dad had this woman all through out my his marriage to my mom. Now my parents are divorced my dad is with her and does not cheat nor does he have any inclination to cheat. So cheating isn't always about the desire for sex nor is it as simple as a lot of people here make it out to be.

I do think AF has to be careful. Too much to soon are usually huge indicators of MAJOR problems down the road. If I were her I would not be saying things like "our home". He would have done everything he already did and find his own place to live. He would not live in my home. What I am saying is if I were in her postion I would tread carefully. Things cannot change so fast and be all good. I would give him enough space so that he has time to fully deal with the consequences of all the choices he has made, but everyone is different and I truly hope things do work out. Everyone how about we try to be happy that she is happy and not try to change her mind or make her see the light

[SerenityX2]

My point, in summary: if a married man was in such a bad marriage and wanted to end it, he would stand on his own two feet and do it, accept responsibility for his decisions and his commitments to his kids, and not use an OW as an escape stragegy.

 

 

Ah, but you just said he is "one of those who cannot be alone and not be in a R." So much as you may objectively rationalize that he did this free of the certainty that you would be waiting for him, he must have believed you would be there for him....and when you consider it, why would he have had any reason to think otherwise?

 

I know there's all this celebratory dancing about what a beautiful fairy tale this has turned out to be and how the daughter will be just fine because she's almost an adult, and won't suffer any sense of loss or abandonment, etc... Setting all that aside, and looking at the health and value of this new relationship you are starting, I have to ask, don't these two points scream out as red flags:

 

 

Am I the only one who sees these as signs of someone ill-equipped to handle committed, adult relationships?

 

And again, to make this point in your own words, weren't you just convinced, a couple months ago that:

 

Nope, Trimmer you're not, but once again you'll have the 2 camps that will form, those that will cheer this on and say that those who don't are bitter:rolleyes: And those that can see the red flags and many of those people will remain silent, as from past posts the OP does not want to hear anything other than validation.

 

But I find the irony too, in that if she wasn't "chosen" hell hath no fury.... as evidenced by the "rage if not chosen" thread. I've learned that OW seem to hold a "toddler's creed" in that it's however they see things and those views may be fluid i.e. he's a great guy since he chose the OW vs he's scum that will continue to cheat if he didn't choose her. Seriously?

 

So even if you had 20 or so people respond that she should be careful at the least hard times lie ahead, those people will be written off as bitter BS's when some of us don't fall into either "camp". All I need to see is the posters that are aligned with her victory and those that see the flags... that says it all.

 

But since you asked a specific question, thought I'd answer, no you're not alone.

[Alpha Female]

Serenity - you are right about one thing - all of the negative posts don't sink in.

 

Honestly, I only posted this update under the encouragement from some I was PM-ing with. Otherwise, I knew it would end up like this - just a lot of nasty comments from some very unhappy women. I get that, I really do. Which is why the posts are ignored entirely.

 

My guy and I are grown adults, and fully aware of what we are doing. Negative reinforcement from online strangers doesn't crack our veneer, nor does it make either of us pause. We are doing really well, and will continue to do so.

 

Remember folks, all relationships are risky, and every one of us has issues to manage and deal with. And ultimately, opinions are like azzholes - everyones got one. So for now, he and I will carry on with our very happy life together, and advise each other when issues arise, or, seek counsel of our friends or trained professionals.

 

Until then, feel free to post away with negativity on the thread. I wont be checking it again, as there is no point in reading venom that is based on someones own unhappiness or agenda. I will still read the PM's from those who have something valid and worthy to say - OW and BS's alike.

 

Ill update when we set the wedding date. :love: