MM filed, served papers and moved out

[Nichole]

What is this thread about??

[SerenityX2]

Complicated,

 

I'm not sure why you are arguing this when I"m not doing that. It's your opinion that I'm being insulting to those that accept risk in their r'ship, I plainly said if it works for them, then good for them. If that's how they define security in a marriage, that has no impact on me. Dating is a risk...when you reach the point of marriage IMO (and even before then) the risk should be gone, or maybe you should re-evaluate who you are commiting to spend the rest of your life with.

 

I'm quite aware no one on this earth is perfect as Jesus is the only one....WE can do nothing by ourselves it's through HIM that we can achieve much including his will for us. Christ is our center. (mine and H's)Pretty plain for us is that what God has put together....no man will come between..It's not just about us, we have a purpose that we are united in, we have the same goals and core values...we are not just indviduals we are ONE united in that marriage, I get you and others may not accept that. I don't usually go on about that as this is not the site for it and it generally gets mocked so whatever, I have nothing to hide. However I don't force my beliefs on anyone.

 

As I've stated in past posts, both my H and I were cheated on by our ex's. Neither my husband or I have ever cheated, our choice, it was a dealbreaker for both of us and remains so, we are not blinded by the fact that affairs aren't out there...of course we're aware, we take steps to protect our marriage b/c it's that important to both of us we've discussed it. I dealt with abuse from my ex so my situation was compounded, but neither of us would have left our previous marriages had we not had any other choice. And further proof that it doens't necessarily take both people in the marriage to break it, just one hell bent on destroying it.

 

Even though those marriages were not ideal we would have stayed b/c we believed in the vows we took. We are extremely blessed to have found one another. Me it was after 12 years of being on my own and having disastrous r'ships, him after 8 years, He put everything into his daughter for the first 5 years instead of dating. He healed, he became healthy as did I. You and others may think it's stupid to stay when you're unhappy, both of us understand that Jesus didn't promise us it would be easy...only that it would be worth it. We were faithful to our commitments and I feel utterly blessed. I revamped and upturned my whole life for God's will and you know how I know I'm following it? I'm continually blessed, I have encounters with people that just touch my heart and though life gets rough, the big picture is pretty great.

 

So, I do not believe that even in marriage ALL have “some” risk The word “guarantee” isn’t what a marriage commitment or vows is to us, it’s above a guarantee it’s on a different level completely, it’s a covenant between us and God. So other than death…nothing/no one will split us, that’s our choice, we’re aware what that takes.

 

I would have preferred to remain single than have heartache. I skimmed your thread and I see why you believe the risk bit, but I’m saying there is not an ALL, I understand why you are having doubts and no, not all divorced guys think all women are manipulative but many do and, I wonder why you would want to be with someone, past excluded, that you feel you can’t ask them what they are thinking let alone need to walk on eggshells…communication is huge. But clearly you’re okay with it for it works for you. I'm acknowledging differences I'm not trying to be insulting.

 

I think it’s sad that for many, commitment and vows may mean nothing so cheating and/or leaving is no big deal. I get there are those that believe that’s okay and part of life. That’s them. I love the fact that I have him to wake up with now ‘til death, knowing that he’s a man of integrity and any hard times we face we do it together, that he’s there for me no matter what and I’m there for him….it’s a wonderful feeling and it’s night and day from what I have experienced in the past. That security is priceless. If you want to say no one has that kind of security it’s your belief not mine. It’s taken a long road to get here. And I’m in awe.

 

I’ve not ever had to doubt his intent or wonder what he’s meant, if something is unclear I ask him, I don’t make assumptions. He shows me daily how deep his love is for me as I do for him. His character and strong morals are the sexiest things about him. I’m uninhibited with him, free to explore anything and go deeper and show our vulnerabilities b/c of that bond/commitment. (couldn’t do that with someone that was a risk)

 

So although I may not see why you feel the need to be in a difficult, complicated r’ship that’s your choice to continue on a hard path and that’s why you feel there is risk. It was my choice to not put up with doubts or or men who weren’t yet healed from their past, I don’t think you can fix people nor believe people or things make people happy. That’s my belief/reality. That’s why generally speaking ppl who leave for others (chasing happiness) will likely do it again unless they fix their issues, b/c it’s a heavy burden to place your happiness on someone else.

 

Happiness comes from within and happiness is wanting what you have..People like me with marriages like mine do exist.

As you stated that no couple goes into it expecting it to end...I disagree, many actually do or there wouldn't be pre-nups. Perhaps if people didn't settle and/or understood just what they were undertaking when they say "I do" there wouldn't be so many divorces.

 

So what are the big reasons people divorce? Money, sure, we've been through some serous rough times the past 2 years while I went back to school, didn't break us, I'd live in a box with him. Growing apart, well I've outlined we have a common goal and vision for our future and it's not about us, we have a greater purpose and understand the big picture, you're here on earth but a blip of time it's all about the other side to us. That leaves the big one infidelty which as I stated it's a dealbreaker.

 

We're not about to screw up the greatest gift both of us have been given. Things happen people say? No, it's choices, it's knowing boundaries. For one, neither of us have ever cheated, nor hurt anyone else by getting involved with someone who had another. Again, that's a personal choice that we are both aligned on. Our big safety net against it is we made a convenant with God, to forsake all others...that's big to us, maybe others can explain it away, say they're human whatever, it's still a choice. We don't flirt with the opposite sex as that's usually a cry for validation and we get that from each other, there is great reciprocity in our marriage and it feeds it to go stronger and deeper.

 

We are not perfect not sure where you think I implied we were, and I don't think we or I am better than anyone else, we have our stumbles and even though there's forgiveness that does not mean you can do what you blantantly know is wrong in the name of being human. If you do stumble you are supposed to not do that thing anymore after receiving God's grace of forgiveness. We have internal compass of our values and morals for a reason. And that serves to guide us.

 

Perhaps b/c we are older (40's/50's) we gained our wisdom, all I'm saying is we learned from our mistakes and in our particular situation there is zero risk of us splitting, for the simple reason if things weren't so great we know we'd still be here it's who we are as individuals, but ours grows daily, we keep it nurtured, we take nothing for granted, and it's pretty darn wonderful. I'm amazed at how we do tell each other still things we adore about the other and there's a deeper love that evolves. THAT wouldn't be possible with us alone, but with God....all things are possible.

[HarmonyHope]

ugh @ the cheaters always defending the sickness of cheating.

 

I would love to see these sames words expressed when your husband cheats on you.

 

It would be awful hard for that to happen since they have an open marriage.

[northstar1]

I always wonder if there is a strong correlation between women who hang around for years as the OW, and low self esteem?

[complicatedlife]

THAT wouldn't be possible with us alone, but with God....all things are possible.

I'm going to have to PM you because this is veering away from the OP's thread. But I will say this for now: I wholeheartedly agree with your quote above. Also, you can't make assumptions about me based on ONE of my threads - I have a few, spanning over the 2 years that I have been here on LS. I don't expect you to read them all, and I certainly didn't look at yours - I made my comments based on information that was in this thread, but now that you have provided some history, I have a better understanding of where you are coming from.

 

In any event, had you read my other threads, you would understand that the current relationship I am in has no bearing on what I call an emotional risk - I have believed that all relationships involve some risk for a long time - even when I was married over 15 years ago - risk is something that to me, exists even in a God-fearing, Christ-centered marriage because I believe, again, that humans are not perfect and are prone to error and sin no matter how much I love and trust them and the marriage and/or relationship. And, lastly, I love my significant other - and currently, I do NOT have to walk on eggshells anymore....remember that there are some people who go through a lot of different emotions during and after a divorce - he happened to be one of them. But with some therapy, a lot of patience and prayer, we're back to the way we were before: regular, open communication.

 

Ok...back to the regularly scheduled program!

[RedDevil66]

It would be awful hard for that to happen since they have an open marriage.

 

Yeah open on one end I'm sure

[howcouldInotknow]

People, people why are you guys arguing over this? It is her life and they are her and MM's choices. If MM chooses to spend less time with his kid that is not AF's in my eyes it the fault of MM. My dad cheated on my mom growing up and you know what he was always there dance recital, piano recitals, balls games on the weekend. My dad was there for it all and I am sure his OW had nothing to do with those choices. So in my eyes his parenting skills ( or lack there of ) are not her fault. MM needs to put the needs of his child first not AF. MM is the parent here. How do we know if AF has met his child or has had any real interaction to his child. Its hard to develop an emotional attachment to someone you don't know or have never met.

I am sure many of you here will not agree with me but my parents had tons of issues when I was growing up. My dad would leave to go be with his other woman and we all knew, he would talk to her, heck my sister and I even met her while my parents were still married and at 25 I do not hold onto it as an excuse for issues I may have. I have never done drugs, I was always a straight A student. I have an undergrad degree from Emory University and a Grad degree from the University of Pennsylvania and I consider myself to be a fairly normal well adjusted person and my life was far from perfect.

So if and when problems do arise for MM's daughter HE will have deal with it. I do believe as a parent your kids should always come first. I also think 15 years old is considered a young adult. But at the same time "young adult" does not mean that the child does not need guidance or emotional support and love from their parents. If AF's man chooses to not put that first that is his own fault. He is an adult and responsible for his own choices. She did not steal him from his family, he left willingly. I am pretty sure AF is not telling him "you cannot see or call your daughter today", if MM doesn't see her or talk to her it was by his own choice. So in my opinion its not her fault. Growing up I was ever upset with my dad for cheating on my mom, my issue was always with my dad and no one else.

Edited December 1, 2009 by howcouldInotknow
forgot to indent

[Impudent Oyster]

and then we went away on the most

 

 

We both know we have a bumpy road ahead, as we know she won't make the D easy on him.

 

I can't say that I blame her.

 

If my husband announced he was divorcing me then left the very next day on vacation with the OW, I would make the rest of his days a living hell for being such a complete and total MONSTER.

 

Wow, what a guy. It might have been kinder to stick a kitchen knife in her back.

[Impudent Oyster]

Thank you for all the well wishes! We are really doing great.

 

Yes, some days he does get smacked with venom or guilt trip from the STBX, like yesterday when she sent pics of their daughter without him on Tgiving and a note saying she hopes I am worth giving up everything in his life for (as if). But when she does things like that, it makes him even more convinced he did the right thing, as he sees how controlling and mean she is.

 

SHE is mean?

 

I'm thinking he's lucky she doesn't own a gun.

[Impudent Oyster]

 

 

 

Please. Curtail the drama. His entire family, including the STBX, knows exactly where he has been since he walked out on her, and they most definitely know where he was yesterday. He called his child in the morning, and he told her he was spending the day with me. You act like he walked out and is in hiding. .

 

 

WHAT? He DID walk out. He told her he was spending the day with YOU? Wow, father of the year. After just leaving his child's mother, you would think he would have moved mountains to spend time on Thanksgiving with her.

 

Why didn't he make the effort to see his daughter on Thanksgiving, even for an hour or two?

 

What a piece of *&$(#.

[Impudent Oyster]

hmmmm...... yes, re-reading back history does make you wonder...

 

married, affair, married, affair...

 

1st affair, or not...

 

son vs daughter

 

nasty words/name calling the blindsided wife.

 

victory dance cause she got her man, the lieing cheat that she hated less than a month ago

 

 

I know. I am literally nauseated reading these posts.

 

How can people be so selfish and cruel?

[Mimolicious]

I read the back story and something doesn't add up. Plus this thread seems a bit too good to be true for AF. MM got a divorce and took her on a tropical vacation? It sounds like........fiction.

 

Even without reading the back story, it didn't really ring true. Now with the back story hmmmm.

 

 

 

TOOK the words right out of my mouth... this sounds like a sack of troll stories to me.

[Mimolicious]

I will say I am very happily married

 

I am also a step parent.

 

And a 15 year old girl whose father has dumped the family she has known is going to make life heck for the woman dad was cheating on mom with.

 

15 year old girls are HARD anyway. VERY HARD. Throw in a father who doesn't want custody, a father who immediately moved in with his affair partner, a father whose main concern seems to be his affair partner and life is going to be tough.

 

I agree with the poster who said it wasn't the girl's job to contact dad. That is the ADULTS job. HE is the one who is responsible for his relationship with her. And let's hope the affair partner doesn't stand in the way of the father-daughter relationship. I have seen it happen MANY times.

 

Dad should be spending quality time with his daughter, not fitting her in. Dad should have a place where just THEY can be together, without the affair partner standing over them. Daughter should have her own space in dad's house. Daughter should have access to dad whenever she wants it.

 

I watched my son, who was 6 when me and his father split, have many issues over dad's new girlfriend (no, my ex wasn't cheating on me during our marriage). Dad had a new girlfriend a couple months after he moved out. Every time he came over to see our son, he brought the new girlfriend. Nice girl, but my son wanted to spend time with his dad - not his dad and the new girlfriend. DS didn't spend the night at dad's house for the 1st year after the split - because dad was too busy with the girlfriend to spend time with his son. My 6 year old use to ask me "why can't it be me and dad, why does Stephanie always have to be there". I had no answer for him.

 

I have an 18 year old stepdaughter. We have had some major hills and valleys over the 12 years I have been in her life. 15 is a TOUGH age, as is 16 and 17. TOUGH ages. I can't image how she would have reacted to me had I been the reason her parents split up. I can't image how she would have reacted to me had her father put me above her. And this is how 15 year old girls are. I don't foresee warm and fuzzy times between the daughter and the new girlfriend.

 

 

I have a 14yr old stepdaughter that I raised and a 9 yr old boy. KIDS are tough period! They pay the ultimate price of selfish parents. When we become parents kids are or should be our primary concern, not to OM/OW even H/W. Situations should be considered with the best interest of that child at hand.

 

If this dude doesn't comfort his daughter, which is probably going to suffer the most from his infidelity and careless behavior, he is not equipped to love ANY woman.

[jj33]

My this has veered. Alpha I hope you and this man are very happy together. The trip sounds wonderful and like a great way to start your new life together.

 

Separatoin is difficult for everyone. There is sure to be a lot of hurt from his xW and his daughter and in time he will have to face that and deal with it in the most constructive way possible.

[howcouldInotknow]

but if this woman wants to have any kind of good relationship with this guys daughter, shouldn't she at least consider HER feelings first , at least until things have settled down a bit for everyone. The DAUGHTER should be this man's top priority, not the "new love interest', and I'm sorry, but any kind of person who would only care about themselves at the expense of the feelings for this 15 year old girl seems pretty heartless and cold. How can she not feel one iota of pity for this kid who's life has been turned upside down?

 

If this 'new love" is truly meant to be, then how is waiting for a month or two to move in together and flaunt their relationship in the daughters face really going to hurt? They can still see each other, just make sure the daughter's feelings come first- right now, isn't doesn't seem like they are.

 

 

I agree and understand to a certain extent but setting boundaries in regards to his daughters feelings I think are MM responsibility.

[howcouldInotknow]

again I am going to ask how do you know she has even met his daughter? At the stage they are at now his daughters feelings are entirely his responsiblity. How do you know his daughter is even open to any sort of relationship with her? In my opinion she is not trying to keep him from his daughter. By saying she should have compassion do you mean she should make him go home and hide their relationship until his daughter is ready to accept it? I am not trying to supply an answer for you so please explain how she can be more compassionate.

[fooled once]

People, people why are you guys arguing over this? It is her life and they are her and MM's choices. If MM chooses to spend less time with his kid that is not AF's in my eyes it the fault of MM. My dad cheated on my mom growing up and you know what he was always there dance recital, piano recitals, balls games on the weekend. My dad was there for it all and I am sure his OW had nothing to do with those choices. So in my eyes his parenting skills ( or lack there of ) are not her fault. MM needs to put the needs of his child first not AF. MM is the parent here. How do we know if AF has met his child or has had any real interaction to his child. Its hard to develop an emotional attachment to someone you don't know or have never met.

I am sure many of you here will not agree with me but my parents had tons of issues when I was growing up. My dad would leave to go be with his other woman and we all knew, he would talk to her, heck my sister and I even met her while my parents were still married and at 25 I do not hold onto it as an excuse for issues I may have. I have never done drugs, I was always a straight A student. I have an undergrad degree from Emory University and a Grad degree from the University of Pennsylvania and I consider myself to be a fairly normal well adjusted person and my life was far from perfect.

So if and when problems do arise for MM's daughter HE will have deal with it. I do believe as a parent your kids should always come first. I also think 15 years old is considered a young adult. But at the same time "young adult" does not mean that the child does not need guidance or emotional support and love from their parents. If AF's man chooses to not put that first that is his own fault. He is an adult and responsible for his own choices. She did not steal him from his family, he left willingly. I am pretty sure AF is not telling him "you cannot see or call your daughter today", if MM doesn't see her or talk to her it was by his own choice. So in my opinion its not her fault. Growing up I was ever upset with my dad for cheating on my mom, my issue was always with my dad and no one else.

 

I am gad things worked out for YOU, but not everyone who grew up with a cheating parent fared so well. So just because YOU came through it seemingly unscathed - FANTASTIC. But we are all different and we handle things differently

[OWoman]

Fine then, be unfaithful in your home country where it's accepted.

 

When in Rome...

 

I've never been "unfaithful". I'm always completely honest and upfront in my Rs. All of my lovers, past and present, have always known exactly where they stand.

 

Not sure what your point is?

[OWoman]

Yeah open on one end I'm sure

 

please explain?

[Impudent Oyster]

I've never been "unfaithful". I'm always completely honest and upfront in my Rs. All of my lovers, past and present, have always known exactly where they stand.

 

Not sure what your point is?

 

Do their wives know about you? I thought not.

[OWoman]

Do their wives know about you? I thought not.

 

Past lovers, who knows. Present lovers - yes, she does - it's me

[fooled once]

Past lovers, who knows. Present lovers - yes, she does - it's me

 

:laugh: :laugh:

 

Okay, that made me laugh!

[Alpha Female]

My this has veered. Alpha I hope you and this man are very happy together. The trip sounds wonderful and like a great way to start your new life together.

 

Separatoin is difficult for everyone. There is sure to be a lot of hurt from his xW and his daughter and in time he will have to face that and deal with it in the most constructive way possible.

 

Yes, a bit!

 

Things are going well between us, thanks. We continue to live our lives as a couple, and enjoy all that comes with it. Of course, we do have our rough spots as it pertains to the D. It looms, and issues arise, but we try and move through it, keeping our eyes on the prize. I won't lie and say there isn't occasional bouts of tears or insecurities on both sides, as the stress can be a bit overwhelming at times. But for the most part, we remain a happy couple, with a future to look forward to. His STBXW is still in a bit of a state of denial, and convinced he is coming home soon. I also found out today she has no idea who I actually am! (I thought she did!). She thinks he is involved with a much younger woman who is an uneducated model. Um, I am his age (mid-40's), and though in good shape, no one is hiring me for a shoot these days, and I am degreed and professional. Just odd - I think it helps her belief that he is having a midlife crisis.

 

As far as the comments on how devastated his W must be, and how my guy should rot in hell for what he's done, well, let's just say that it takes two to screw up a M. I know the BS's on here don't like to hear this, but can you possibly consider that she was a miserable person who brought this on herself? That she had an A on him a few years ago, and denied it, even though he had proof and the OM's W told him he had confessed to her? That perhaps his STBXW is not an emotionally healthy or kind person? I know you like to heap all the blame on the man, but you do have to realize it's not like he filed with no reason or provocation.

 

And as far as his R with his child goes, I found all those comments funny as well. He sees her once a day, often twice, and they spend a lot of quality time together. The accusations that I have told him to stay away from her, or not have a R with her is insane. (I know some like to paint all OW as total monsters, but c'mon, ladies!). I constantly encourage him to call her and see her, and to do so without involvement from me. Yes, I do plan on having some type of R with her at some point, but right now, the pain is too fresh for her, and I don't care to bully my way into her life. Once the D is final, and the reality has set in about her parents being apart, then my guy and I will carefully evaluate how, and when, we will introduce me into her life. Until then, like it or not, I am in support of my guy having his own R with her that doesn't include me. Right now, she needs reassurance and love from him and him alone, not to have his former OW/current partner shoved down her throat. In fact, I will probably wait until she poses interest in meeting me. Otherwise, he is free to manage her and their time together as he, and her, see fit.

 

On the troll comments - funny there as well. Yes, we did leave for vacation right after he filed. Because we had been apart for weeks prior, we felt we needed to be together, and alone, and out of town, to see if there was really anything left for us. We both went into the trip not knowing what would happen - if we would fall deeper in love, or if we would dissipate. It was a risk, and one we were willing to pursue. As it turns out, we had the most magical time.

 

And yes, I did give him an ultimatum, and he did indeed file D days later. Why? Because he truly loves me that much, and truly didn't want to be without me another day.

 

Sorry to upset many posters, but this is my story, and this is how it's evolving.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

I will say that I'm really happy for both of you and wish you all the best.

[nadiaj2727]

Sorry to upset many posters, but this is my story, and this is how it's evolving.

 

Alpha Female:

 

Then why is your ever-evolving story full of so many contradictory "facts"? You never explained why, at various points, you claimed he had a daughter versus a son, and why, at various points, you claimed this was your first affair versus having been involved in one before, etc.?

 

I'm not upset because I am disinclined to believe any of the contradicting words in your post! I think you are quite the story-teller, but not a very reliable one. Whatever your story really is, I hope you eventually find happiness in real life.