Angel1111 Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Word, GT. It would seem more in keeping with the whole "alpha" thing to have drop kicked the MM and found someone more worthy. She kind of did that - she stopped talking to him and that's probably what motivated him to make a move to get out of his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 She kind of did that - she stopped talking to him and that's probably what motivated him to make a move to get out of his marriage. But what about the "finding someone more worthy" part? Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 But as my dad used to say, 'Wish in one hand, spit in the other, and see which one fills up the fastest.' Maybe your dad should have said, "People can take everything from you but your own integrity. Hang onto it with all you have, because it IS all you have." And those without it...have spit. lol Link to post Share on other sites
howcouldInotknow Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Is there a nice way to break the heart of another person? If so please let me know so I can learn it. I just feel that when it comes to love and dating when two people don't want the same thing someone is going to be hurt anyway. Is the hurt of your husband leaving to be with someone else different from the hurt of him leaving because he isn't happy and not in love with you anymore? I do not think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Ahhhh..... I have heard that saying too-( mind you, it was "wish in one hand ( and a word that rhymes with, but is not, spit) in the other and see which fills up first"- LOL! Ha! ha! He was probably censoring himself for his daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 But what about the "finding someone more worthy" part? That's obvious - he is worthy. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 That's obvious - he is worthy. That's totally subjective. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Wait, the MM you are involved with has had affairs on two wives and now left wife #2 for you? It started six weeks prior to 9/10/09. You called it off at that time, then it started up again. Now he serves his wife divorce papers and goes on a vacation with you right before Thanksgiving 2009. I feel sorry for his daughter, son both whatever the actual story is. Worthy? Not in my estimation. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Is the hurt of your husband leaving to be with someone else different from the hurt of him leaving because he isn't happy and not in love with you anymore? I do not think so. It is so much worse because it is preceded by lies, lies, lies, deceit, lies of omission, disrespect, more lies, gaslighting, and plain old selfish and manipulative behavior. Not to mention exposing the spouse to STD's. There is at least some integrity, respect and honesty when a person leaves a marriage because s/he isn't happy and doesn't love their spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 I had a husband who cheated on me and things were so bad between us that I told my sister that I would not be surprised if he cheated on me. The problem was, I should've left him a few months before that happened. He was incredibly verbally abusive once we married and within a year, he cheated because things got so bad between us. I know that's an extreme case, but I really don't know how anyone can fool themsevles and not know that something is wrong. I know a couple who all they do is argue and, knowing both of them, it's the wife who's pushing her husband really hard. I personally wish he'd leave her, or that she'd stop being so awful to him. He has told his mother that all he ever thinks about is leaving but he can't bear to be parted from his kids. But I'm sure if he cheated on her, she would tell everyone that she had no idea they had such problems or that he was so unhappy. Yes, I'm sure there are those cases where the man hides it so well that his wife has no idea - but I think those cases are rare. I've read where women say really dumb things like, "I just thought that I would concentrate on raising the kids for 18 to 20 yrs and then we'd get back to having a life." These women are truly delusional about marriage. I don't think it's about blame. I think it's more about being in tune with one another and not ignoring problems when they're there - and, more importantly, when the problems can't be resolved, people can't fool themselves into thinking that things will just blow over. A good rule of thumb always in life is that if we ignore the warning bell, it will keep ringing louder and louder until we can't ignore it any longer. Well, I know 2 women IN REAL LIFE whose husbands had affairs. One was an EA within 2 months of their wedding. She had no reason to suspect he was cheating. They were screwing like rabbits, talked frequently during the day and she had no reason to SNOOP into his email or facebook. Spouses should be able to trust each other. My friend has decided to fight for her marriage and her H has begged her to give him another chance. SO they are working on things. The second case was a PA with his secretary. Again, screwing his wife of 10 years on a 3 times a week average. They went away for get away weekends every 3 months or so. She had NO idea he was having an affair and once it came out, he got on his knees and begged her forgiveness and threw the OW under the bus and ran over her twice. Thankfully my friend decided he wasn't worth it and divorced him and got quite a nice settlement out of it. So it can't be THAT easy to spot an affair. Guess some men are really good at hiding it and in both these cases, there were no "warning" signs or red flags. Besides the OBVIOUS warning bells of working late, needing to run to the store all the time and running out of the room when the cell phone rings or a text message dings.... what are your warning signs??? And of course it is the wife - isn't it usually Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Is there a nice way to break the heart of another person? If so please let me know so I can learn it. I just feel that when it comes to love and dating when two people don't want the same thing someone is going to be hurt anyway. Is the hurt of your husband leaving to be with someone else different from the hurt of him leaving because he isn't happy and not in love with you anymore? I do not think so. There is intentional hurt and unintentional hurt. Affairs are intentional hurt because you could have had self control. Unintentional hurt is accidentally breaking a favorite cup because you dropped it. Link to post Share on other sites
howcouldInotknow Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 There is intentional hurt and unintentional hurt. Affairs are intentional hurt because you could have had self control. Unintentional hurt is accidentally breaking a favorite cup because you dropped it. I think most hurt is unintentional. Even in men who cheat on their wives. I do not think they deliberately set out to hurt her otherwise they would not feel guilt. And at the end of the day being hurt hurts. I wouldn't say I would rather feel unintentional hurt than intentional hurt. That is just silly IMO. I would rather not feel any hurt but since we do not live in that kind of world... Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 I think most hurt is unintentional. Even in men who cheat on their wives. I do not think they deliberately set out to hurt her otherwise they would not feel guilt. And at the end of the day being hurt hurts. I wouldn't say I would rather feel unintentional hurt than intentional hurt. That is just silly IMO. I would rather not feel any hurt but since we do not live in that kind of world... Yes hurt is hurt but it is also different. Intentional hurt is WAY worse - especially when someone you love and that person claims to love you INTENTIONALLY hurts you by stepping out on the relationship. There is no way, NO WAY, I will ever believe a spouse doesn't mean to hurt their spouse when cheat on them. NO WAY. I mean, do they think it is going to make their spouse HAPPY they cheated!?! I don't see many cheaters feeling guilt. They might feel guilt when they get caught in a lie, but for heaven's sake - if you don't want to feel guilty, don't do the action. It is a conscious choice. It really isn't that difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 That's totally subjective. Exactly. Therefore bringing up the "worthy" argument is really needless but perhaps designed to belittle the OP..... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Is there a nice way to break the heart of another person? If so please let me know so I can learn it. I just feel that when it comes to love and dating when two people don't want the same thing someone is going to be hurt anyway. Is the hurt of your husband leaving to be with someone else different from the hurt of him leaving because he isn't happy and not in love with you anymore? I do not think so. One of my students once researched a similar issue (among students, so it was about dating rather than marriage): is it worse to get dumped for someone else, or to get dumped because the person is no longer into you (with no one else waiting in the wings)? More people felt it was worse to get dumped for no one else, that this was an indictment of them ("you're not good enough to be with") whereas the other one was not saying they were awful, just that there was someone else who was better (or better suited to their former partner). This was the pattern for both men and women. (On the question of whether it was worse to get dumped for someone else OF THE SAME SEX AS THE DUMPER, men thought it was better - hey, she's a lesbian, you were never going to be good enough for her, no man was; but women thought it was far worse - he's not just rejecting you, he's rejecting your entire sex, you've put him off women for life!) I'm not aware of any research done among MPs, or even other studies done among SPs, so can't comment beyond the narrow confines of that particular study, but I did find it interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Hey AF, I see your thread has gotten horribly ugly since I last visited. Just wanted to check in for an update, and see how you are doing. ((HUGS to you and yours)) Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Exactly. Therefore bringing up the "worthy" argument is really needless but perhaps designed to belittle the OP..... Not belittling the OP at all. Of course some may choose to view it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony Posted December 4, 2009 Senior Moderators Share Posted December 4, 2009 Enough is enough!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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