looking for the next step...

[dazed]

Here is my story in brief. I was in a serious relationship with a girl for over 3 years. We where engaged for 1.5 years. The last 6-9 months were not the greatest I was very depressed with work, family, life in general. She suggested that I seek professional help, but I told her that I could deal with it. About 2 months ago we (I) agreed to go see a councilor about myself and our relationship.

 

Before we went we got into a big fight, and the next day she said that we should breakup. I decided to go to the councilor myself and have continued to go to date. It is really helpful and I would suggest everyone try it. I now see the problems that I brought to the relationship and I’m trying to change my ways.

 

We have talked a few times and she tells me that she thinks I’m only going and changing to get her back, and that because of past relationships that she has had she does trust me when I say that I want to change for myself. I’m not sure how to convince her that I’m changing for the better, and that I’m doing it for my own happiest? Should I continue to call/talk to her, or should I do the no call make her guess what’s going on? Does she need time? What?

 

I love this woman, and don’t want to mess this up.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by dazed

We have talked a few times and she tells me that she thinks I’m only going and changing to get her back, and that because of past relationships that she has had she does trust me when I say that I want to change for myself. I’m not sure how to convince her that I’m changing for the better, and that I’m doing it for my own happiest? Should I continue to call/talk to her, or should I do the no call make her guess what’s going on? Does she need time? What?

 

I love this woman, and don’t want to mess this up.

 

The only way you can prove you are 'changing' for yourself....is to continue to persue it....with or without her in your life.

 

I don't know what all happened between you which would have caused her to lose faith in the relationship....but apparently it did. If she has said she wanted no contact with you....which you didn't say she did....then you shouldn't call her at all. If you are still friends though....calling ONCE IN AWHILE is good.

 

Meanwhile, continue your therapy and focus on YOU first....then worry about getting back into this or any other relationship.

 

Hang in there Dazed.....

[dazed]

Originally posted by Arabess

The only way you can prove you are 'changing' for yourself....is to continue to persue it....with or without her in your life.

 

I don't know what all happened between you which would have caused her to lose faith in the relationship....but apparently it did. If she has said she wanted no contact with you....which you didn't say she did....then you shouldn't call her at all. If you are still friends though....calling ONCE IN AWHILE is good.

 

Meanwhile, continue your therapy and focus on YOU first....then worry about getting back into this or any other relationship.

 

Hang in there Dazed.....

 

Thx. for the advise. I'm still going to therapy, and will continue to do so. It is nice to talk to someone that does judge you, or your feelings. As for my ex, we talked last night about exchanging items (ring, etc...). To me it sounds like she has given up on never getting back together. She has a lot of angry still towards me. I tried to explain to her that is wasn't that I didn't want things to get better, but at the time I was very depressed and that I didn't think anything would help.

 

If it takes 6 months, 1 year, or 5 years, I want this to work.

 

I'm looking for female advise on what to do next. Give it a few months without calling, send a Christmas gift? What should I do?

 

D

[InLoKo]

Hmmm...there's a lot you haven't said here. So I shall have to guess some bits. If your realationship was so great, how come you got so depressed. Where was she when you needed her love and support? As much as you may love her, I don't see much love mentioned that you got from her. From the way you have written, it seems that she has jumped ship at the first sign of a crack. That isn't what I would expect a partner to do. Has she initiated any nice contact with you at all? Has she asked how you are or shows that she cares? As much as you may love her, how wonderful was the relationship, how balanced was it? Did it add to your depression?

[dazed]

InLoKo

 

 

With time comes wisdom.

 

The more that I've been thinking about it I more I realize that you may be correct. She still lives at home, doesn't want to move far from her mother, hasn't really developed a career, etc. I think she may be afraid to grow-up and take on life. I'm not saying that I'm over the loss, just got the ring back today, but I'm looking at things in a rotational way. Perhaps my life will be better without her.

 

The depression; I think that came from a lot of places, and she was helpful to some degree. I just feel like now she blames me for not jumping up right away and getting help. A recent quote from her, "I told you 2-3 times to go get help and you didn't". I tried to explain that when I was in that depressed mode that nothing seemed helpful. It's like being in a deep dark hole and not knowing which way is up.

 

The biggest problem looking back was our communication, lack of that is. We never really shared our true feelings with each other.

 

I haven't given up on getting back together, but I'm not going to live my life waiting for someone else. Over the past 2 months of had a lot of lows, but I realize that I control my happiness. And that is what I want happiness with myself, my life, and to share my happiness with someone that wants my happiness and share their own.

 

D