when is it ok to ask questions?

[steven_of_sf]

We have been to gether on and off for 2 yrs. She has some guy friends. I have a history of being jealous about her guy friends.

 

I'm having Thanksgiving dinner at my girfriend's house yesterday. Some guy calls to say happy thankgiving. She took the call and went into the kitchen for privacy. I did not accuse her of ceating, but I asked her who he was, how does she know him, is he an ex? etc. She said he is an "old friend", and it's nothiing.

 

I asked for more details. She refused to answer any more questions, claimimg that my questions were unfair, and basically none of my business. She said I should just trust her. I said that, as her boyfriend, I have a right to know if she has close friendships and emotional connections with any other men.

 

How come, after 2 years together, I've never heard about this old friend? She has given me details before about her other guy friends...why not this one? Am I crazy? or is she hiding something?

 

Does a boyfriend have a right to ask for details about her guy friends? When is it reasonable to ask questions? and when is it me just being jealous and insecure?

[jerseyboy]

Hoiw many people were in the room she left?

 

If it was just you, you have trouble

[steven_of_sf]

it was just me and her 18 yr old daughter in the room, not a dinner party. the daughter answered the phone, seemed to know him. i suspect it was her ex boyfriend, the guy she was with before me. i'm more concerned about "emotional cheating", and her having secrets, more than an actual physical affair. don't i have a right to ask for a few details? or am i nuts?

[jerseyboy]

F'k that

 

Id dump her.

 

At that point I wouldnt even care what she was or wasnt doing. Its irrelevant.

 

I refuse to spend my life guessing at what someone else is or isnt up to.

 

Just the fact that she refuses to tell you, tells me she kind of holds you in some contempt.

 

Move on bro

[Bryanp]

I think you have big problems. The question you need to ask yourself is does it make sense to have a girlfriend who is surrounded by a lot of male friends and seems to be connected with them on emotional level? This will just drive you crazy. The fact that she was so evasive about this guy is a huge red flag. Why didn't she simply say she was having dinner with her boyfriend and she would call him back. Her actions seem to indicate that you probably are not her top priority. Surely you can do better than this and find a new girlfriend who does not have the need to constantly be surrounded by male friends.

[jerseyboy]

His problem is she has already concluded, correctly in my opinion, that he is a bitch. Coupled with mixed feelings of his worth to her.

 

Not trying to fight with you man. Just telling it to you like it is.

 

She thinks youre a bitch, women are very good at discerning this so she is likely correct, and is treating you like one.

 

No woman treats a man like that, even one she is considering leaving, unless she thinks of him that way.

[steven_of_sf]

Deep down I know you're right. The non-bitch thing to do is to walk away. I've been trying to salvage the relationship for a while...accepting behavior from her that I shouldn't tolerate. She is good at making me question myself...like it's my problem not trusting her...not her doing something wrong. I really needed another outside point of view...I appreciate this feedback. Thanks. I guess I haven't left her because of fear of being alone. I'm 40 and single in NYC. I have no problem meeting women, but hard to find a keeper. I have to get over that fear, and just walk away.

[jerseyboy]

Deep down I know you're right. The non-bitch thing to do is to walk away. I've been trying to salvage the relationship for a while...accepting behavior from her that I shouldn't tolerate. She is good at making me question myself...like it's my problem not trusting her...not her doing something wrong. I really needed another outside point of view...I appreciate this feedback. Thanks. I guess I haven't left her because of fear of being alone. I'm 40 and single in NYC. I have no problem meeting women, but hard to find a keeper. I have to get over that fear, and just walk away.

 

 

Sorry man

 

I really dont believe you will do it , Some guys will hoild onto any peice of crap like it gold. I think shes read you perfectly, they almost always do

 

But I wish you well either way

[traderho]

Yep dump her, lots of other fish in the sea. You say being 40 and single living in NYC like its a bad thing. Guys stock rises as they get older (up to a point). At 40 you are at a prime age and should have absolutely no problem dating women. Don't worry about finding the right one try as many as possible and you will know when she comes along.

[mark982]

steven,you said you have no problem meeting women. heres a sugestion. next time your gf is over your house,have some woman call you! walk to the other room and have a quite conversation. give her a dose of her own medicine, cause you really gotta quit falling for her games.

[lsb]

"""I refuse to spend my life guessing at what someone else is or isnt up to."""

 

yes! yes! yes!

 

exactly.

 

she shouldnt keep secrets between you two, especially when it involves another guy. she clearly doesnt want to tell you and i agree that that is more of a bad sign. because its almost as if she wants to keep that little part of her life secret and separate from you. which only throws a whole dent into your trust and closeness with her.