Stuck in a relationship...Am I the "Bad Person"?

[ASDFJKL]

I am 14. Although I am "young," I have been in a relationship for about ten months. We have had silly fights and broken up several times but have always gotten back together. We've gotten into a lot of fights about me "not talking much, not sharing...and hiding things" from him, and also for me "flirting with other guys." (We go to different schools, so how could he know this?) None of the fights have really been over something about him doing something wrong. Just me.

 

Anyway, I have noticed...and so have many other people...that this guy can be a big a-hole to me. He can be immature, jealous, and insensitive. He has cussed me out many times, called me a whore, and gotten mad over silly things. I honestly feel inside that I have been a good person through all of this...I have taken his crap and have never done much wrong. I have basically been a good girlfriend, and I think I have tried my best to make it work. HE has broken up with me NUMEROUS times, and I haven't broken up with him once. Everytime we ended up working things out.

 

We sound really mature, don't we? (Not.)

 

Now, for the problem. There have been many times when I want to give up and break up with him and just forget about everything and how I feel about him. But I have some kind of power struggle with myself. And I can't bring myself to do it. Because everytime I try to, he tells me that he's an a-hole sometimes because of the things that I do. He says there are reasons for him being an a-hole, and he has this way of making me feel horrible about myself. He tells me that he is hurting really bad, too, and then I get dragged back in.

 

This week he has switched attitudes and gotten mad at me so many times, it's absolutely ridiculous. One day he loves me, the next day he tells me I am an idiot and an inconsiderate person for feeling sorry for someone. And he seems to have a pissed-off, sarcastic attitude sometimes. What I can see happening is him saying tomorrow, "Oh, you were being a jerk..." and blah...

 

I also don't want to dump him because I am afraid of regret. SO afraid.

[dyermaker]

He says there are reasons for him being an a-hole, and he has this way of making me feel horrible about myself. He tells me that he is hurting really bad, too, and then I get dragged back in.

 

I'm fifteen, I'm just saying that so maybe my advice might seem more relevant, and you'll do what I say lol.

 

You say that the thing keeping you with this guy is that you don't want to regret dumping him.

 

Hopefully, this list will help you realize that you're going to regret staying instead.

 

1. He's an angry person. This could be your way of saying he has the possibility of being violent, or that you just don't enjoy his company, or that you do but you shouldn't. All three scream "get out!"

 

2. He's jealous. He doesn't trust you.

 

3. He called you a whore. Just as a male, I'll tell you, I would never call someone a whore unless I had no respect for them as a person whatsoever, and even then, I'd think twice about it.

 

4. What you see as "good girlfriend" he sees as "doormat". He knows you're not going to break up with him, so he can treat you like crap. Don't enable him.

 

5. He doesn't love you. Understand the difference between loving you and saying that he loves you when you're on the threshold of not putting up with it anymore. Someone who really loves you tells you it when they're being considerate for you, not just when they're in trouble.

 

I beg you to leave. If you're a good girlfriend, there's a good guy out there who'd love to have you. And, they'd show it, by treating you with the respect and care you deserve. My guess would be you're attracted to jerks (whether or not you'd like to admit it), which is worth looking into if it continues to be a problem for you.

[moimeme]

I also don't want to dump him because I am afraid of regret. SO afraid.

 

DyerMaker's right on the money. There is NOTHING about this person that could possibly make up for all this horrid behaviour towards you. He does not treat you with respect. Bottom line. He might give all his money to the poor and spend every free evening rescuing abandoned animals, but that he treats you badly FAR outweighs any good qualities he may have. Ditch him FAST or, as Dyer suggests, it's staying that you'll regret.

 

Abusers treat you badly, behave badly, and then blame you for their behaviour. Eventually, they beat your self-esteem down so far that you believe them. Does this sound familiar? This guy is major bad news.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by moimeme

Abusers treat you badly, behave badly, and then blame you for their behaviour. Eventually, they beat your self-esteem down so far that you believe them. Does this sound familiar?

 

If it does sound familiar, or if it begins to sound familiar, seek counseling for the reason that you're attracted to those kind of men. It may be bothersome or embarrasing, but it could be liberating to be able to enter into a relationship with someone who cares about you. Maybe I'm overanalyzing, and you just got a bad one, but just in case you notice a trend.

[ASDFJKL]

Also I LOVE his family...me and his mom are getting really close...and she loves me and the fact that we're together. Although it sounds weird, that is a reason that it would suck to break up with him...Also one of his friends told me that he said that he loved me so much and that there was no one in the world better. THAT one little thing is also getting in the way.

 

Thanks for your help, guys.

 

I think I may be attracted to guys that are complete a-holes to me.

[AndreaLee]

"I think I may be attracted to guys that are complete a-holes to me."

 

It's good that you realize it now, when you're so young. You can break the cycle. I would suggest calling your local women's shelter and getting a list of warning signs to look for. Yeah, they're not hitting you, but emotional abuse is still abuse, the women's shelter can give you really great information on this type of thing.

 

Remember:

With physical abuse, bruises heal, but emotional abuse stays with you..

 

Best Wishes

Andrea

[kassie]

Sounds like something everyone goes through at a young age you're not alone. The problem? Well you're 14 right? Are you ready to get married? Well if you are maybe you guys should get counciling.... If not, you probably should stop focusing on men until you're ready to get married.

 

I wasted a lot of time and energy with guys. I'd hate to see you in the same cycle. You are just preparing for drama, headaches, and more problems then you can imagine. I always think of the quote " your only lonely if you don't like the person you're alone with" that means you should think about working on you and possibly start preparing for your future.

 

Have you thought about what God wants for your life? When all is said and done what would He want you to do? Would he be pleased that you guys are treating each other this way? Life is too short and we shouldn't focus only on our lives. We should get out of our problems and help others with bigger problems. It was hard for me to give up guys because I never had a father figure so it was nice to have someone in my life, but I'm telling you now it's not worth it.

 

Please consider the Creator your everything. Pray that God would make himself real to you so that He can be your everything husband, friend, dad, brother. When I did that I felt his love. Hope all goes well and I pray that you guard your heart now and in the future. Your worth is more precious then gold and don't forget it.