Wife and I are having problems

[threebyfate]

which means what? jettisoning his buddy and his testicles at the same time?

 

maybe the three can have a little tete a tete and work things out. or woggles wife can add a new girlfriend who is a carbon copy of woggles buddy? maybe the two will start dating?

If he insists on being in the middle, he needs to take definitive action with both his friend and his wife. Considering that his friend probably isn't even aware that he told his wife all this information, makes this action the best way to handle it.

 

or

 

The three can get together and discuss it. But...he still has to handle it, in that he needs to tell his friend to STFU about disrespecting his marriage and he also needs to tell his wife that his friend is his friend, and as she can see, he has addressed the friend being disrespectful so now she needs to respect his friendship.

[alphamale]

If he insists on being in the middle, he needs to take definitive action with both his friend and his wife. Considering that his friend probably isn't even aware that he told his wife all this information, makes this action the best way to handle it.

 

or

 

The three can get together and discuss it. But...he still has to handle it, in that he needs to tell his friend to STFU about disrespecting his marriage and he also needs to tell his wife that his friend is his friend, and as she can see, he has addressed the friend being disrespectful so now she needs to respect his friendship.

it would just be easier to find a suitable mate for Woggles friend. once he starts gettin' some action then he'll shut his cake-hole

[whichwayisup]

I seriously do not understand why she won't lay off me about this friend. We both live on the same block so I visit him quite a bit. I went over to his place to help him hook up some new electronics he bought and she starts getting this attitude with me about still associating with a man is actively trying to destroy our marriage even though he didn't say a word who about it while we were over there. To make a long story short we end up arguing and I tell her not to make me choose because she knows whch choice I will make. She is now very hurt over my comment I told her before we married not to try to control me or change me because it will be an exercise in futility. I thought I had one of the few good marriages but I am dealing with the same crap every man has to deal with.

 

Woggle this so-called friend of yours IS causing problems in your marriage, you've spoken of him often.

 

Yes, he's been in your life for a long time, but sometimes when friends don't accept change, give love and support FOR their friend and hang on to bitterness, try to interfer, etc..etc.. maybe it's time to re-think your friendship. IF he were a true friend, he'd get to know your wife, make more effort to keep his mouth shut about his hate for women in general and how unhappy he is in his life..

 

It's an issue because you let it be.

 

It's an issue because this friend doesn't seem to have a healthy influence on you..

 

If my H told me, " I tell her not to make me choose because she knows whch choice I will make" I would pack his bags and tell him to get out.

 

You are putting your friend first, above your marriage, your wife's feelings..

 

Sorry man, but keep going down this pathway, you WILL lose her and have noone to blame but your own stubborn self. I say this with respect because I care about you and your wellbeing.

[whichwayisup]

As I said before I would be very concerned if my wife had a manhating friend who was trying to destroy our marriage because women let that stuff affect them.

So your wife is concerned because of your friend. It's the exact same thing. She's worried your friend is going to make you hate her, resent her, leave her.. She doesn't want to lose you Woggle.

[alphamale]

So your wife is concerned because of your friend. It's the exact same thing. She's worried your friend is going to make you hate her, resent her, leave her.. She doesn't want to lose you Woggle.

on the other hand Woggle and his foul-mouthed buddy DID come as a package deal

[threebyfate]

it would just be easier to find a suitable mate for Woggles friend. once he starts gettin' some action then he'll shut his cake-hole

So...how easy has it been for you to find a suitable mate? Now load on even more bitterness than you have (hard to believe that's possible ) and tell me what's easier, resolution of an easy situation or the impossible feat of finding the friend a mate?

[alphamale]

So...how easy has it been for you to find a suitable mate? Now load on even more bitterness than you have (hard to believe that's possible ) and tell me what's easier, resolution of an easy situation or the impossible feat of finding the friend a mate?

why do women always come between men and force a choice? i've lost so many male friends this way. i'm starting to think i'm a bad influence

[threebyfate]

why do women always come between men and force a choice? i've lost so many male friends this way. i'm starting to think i'm a bad influence

I've yet to "force" a partner to give up one single male friend. As for female friends, only one who showed blatant romantic interest, to the point of disrespectful.

 

Not all women are alike, just like not all men are alike. For example, you're the polar opposite of my husband. He's all about respect.

[knitwit]

Walk Away Wife Syndrome?

 

Here’s a tale for you. In 2004 I spent the weekend with a good friend (F1) and his good friend (F2). They came down to visit me because we were all in relationship hell- I’d split with my fiancé, F1’s wife left him, and her doing that gave F2 the courage to follow suit. F1 & F2 were a perfect example of the “contagion” of “walk-away wives”.

 

It was a movie-misery weekend-one chick and two guys commiserating and swapping viewpoints. We’d all known each other for 20 years, I’d been the best “man” at F1’s wedding, etc. My problem was really simple: my fiancé had developed a heroin addiction. My only choices were to stay in and hope for the best, step out and wait, or step out completely. The walk-aways had told F1 & F2 individually and together that they both wanted to have families and felt that F1 & F2 were not going to be able to provide that kind of security- both “emotional” and “physical” security.

 

Five years later, F2 is still with his wife. He took her complaints seriously. He and F1 had taken a computer certification course together- F2 took a crappy job to get an “in” using his certificate, and worked his way into a great career. He read books and went to counseling with his wife. They have a great house, two kids, and from the outside it looks like a very happy marriage.

 

F1 is not in a good place, although finally- after years-things are starting to get better for him. He does not have a career and is not well physically. However, none of these are his biggest problem. His biggest problem is that he alsohas “Everyone’s The Assh*le Disease". He has not realized that he is not a victim. Pretty much all of his problems- from losing his marriage five years ago to everything still going wrong today- stem from this “disease”.

 

F1’s former wife is doing very well. She is re-married and has one adorable baby. She is also in a happy marriage. We still meet up, and she is still tight with the F2 couple. She’s commented on how similar F1 and F2 were- they were best friends, took the same certificate courses, etc- and how F2 really stepped up to the plate. F1 not only did NOT step up to the plate, but it’s everyone else’s fault that things are as bad as they are.

 

Sometimes Walk-Aways do so for a reason.

 

Woogie- is it your wife’s fault that your friend has problems? Is it really being a “man” to 1. let some guy talk trash about your relationship and that you should leave it and 2. bash your wife because she gets upset by it? Do you think it’s NOT bashing your wife by telling her to either deal, you’re not gonna change? Who is REALLY the assh*le here? Is it really your wife?

 

I hope you re-think your situation. You’ve told your wife clearly in words and actions that she is not your priority- is this really what you want to convey?

Edited November 28, 2009 by knitwit
to get rid of bad formatting

[whichwayisup]

Woogie- is it your wife’s fault that your friend has problems? Is it really being a “man” to 1. let some guy talk trash about your relationship and that you should leave it and 2. bash your wife because she gets upset by it? Do you think it’s NOT bashing your wife by telling her to either deal, you’re not gonna change? Who is REALLY the assh*le here? Is it really your wife?

 

I hope you re-think your situation. You’ve told your wife clearly in words and actions that she is not your priority- is this really what you want to convey?

 

I second this - Just minus the a-hole comment.

 

Wog has issues from his past, and has sought out counselling to help him cope better.

 

Maybe ?? This is something (hopefully you're still doing some therapy Woggle) to talk to your T about.

 

Anyway, if you're willing to throw away your wife and marriage to hang onto a friendship with a guy who truly doesn't have your best interests at heart, for a guy who has made no effort to get to know your wife, see how happy she makes you, then go for it.

 

I really hope you and your wife take time to sit and talk, listen to one another when you (and she) calm down abit.

[shadowplay]

I almost wonder if your friend is jealous of your marriage and trying, perhaps somewhat subconsciously, to destroy it. Seems like a plausible theory.

[whichwayisup]

on the other hand Woggle and his foul-mouthed buddy DID come as a package deal

 

People change, friendships change and it really seems like Wog's best buddy from his past is having a unhealthy influence on him.

 

Anyway, I will continue to say, if he chooses him over his wife, ends up miserable and bitter, he'll have noone to blame but himself.

 

FOR MONTHS he's been on a good path, enjoying married life, posting about how happy he is, the vacation he took with her.. Then boom! He spends time with his friend and does a 180. Then tells his wife "deal with it..etc."

 

No wonder she's getting fed up.

[whichwayisup]

I almost wonder if your friend is jealous of your marriage and trying, perhaps somewhat subconsciously, to destroy it. Seems like a plausible theory.

 

We all know misery loves company..

 

I kind of agree with you Shadow. Maybe Wog's friend IS jealous of what he has with his wife and feels left out, feels Wog sold out by staying in his marriage and being happy. That Wog has changed and worked on himself to rid of his past hurts..And because of that, Woggle has changed, his friend doesn't like those changes because Woggle is HAPPY, so he's doing all that he can to bring him down.

[alphamale]

I almost wonder if your friend is jealous of your marriage and trying, perhaps somewhat subconsciously, to destroy it. Seems like a plausible theory.

well it wouldn't be the first time thats happened

[whichwayisup]

Here's a senario.. Of how this could play out..

 

Wog's wife tells him to choose between her and the friend. Wog chooses the friend. Wife leaves him, files for divorce.. He's feeling good because his pride won, no woman will tell him what to do.. Serves her right for pushing..

 

A month later, he realizes how much he misses her..Going out nightly with his buddy, doing the single life thing, drinking, complaining about women and how they suck is starting to get old and boring..

Sees his friend isn't doing anything to change himself for the better. See's just how miserable and bitter his friend is and realizes that HE made a HUGE mistake by allowing the friend to influence his life in such a way that he now has lost the woman he loves..

[threebyfate]

Consider the irony of this situation. He's man enough to stand up to his wife and tell her to eat it, but not man enough to stand up to his friend.

 

If he doesn't value his wife enough, he's going to lose her. And once again, perhaps that's what he wants.

[Island Girl]

Hey Woggs -

 

YES there is a huge problem here.

 

But it is not your wife and it is not your "friend" - it is YOU.

 

Honestly I am not friends with a person just because of gender. But it appears that is your ONLY qualification.

 

A friend DOES NOT:

 

1. Attempt to sabotage your relationship for their own personal reasons (like being able to hook up with more chicks due to you being a great wing man).

 

2. Intrude or disrespect a person's marriage or partner.

 

3. Try and steer YOUR LIFE in a direction that would hurt you or cause you grief.

 

A FRIEND is there to support YOUR choices and wants what is best FOR YOU.

 

If you think this guy is going to be by your bedside in 30 or 40 years, changing your diapers if you are bedridden, and going through thick and thin with you then you have MAJOR issues.

 

Your WIFE on the other hand would be there.

 

I have friends that have been married when I was single. I would NEVER try to inject myself in between them, cause problems for them, or make myself an issue that has to be discussed, etc.

 

If I DID I would EXPECT we would no longer be FRIENDS. Not because the husband has a problem and is wrong in any way and not because the woman has no back bone -- but because IF I DID CAUSE PROBLEMS FOR THEM that would make me a selfish douche of a person who isn't BEING a friend to HER or them.

 

I have MANY acquaintances. A lot of the women that are acquaintances are just like YOUR DOUCHE BAG of a "friend".

They can not be trusted to have MY best interests at heart because they are selfish and think only about what is best for THEM.

Believe me they are kept at arms length and I would NEVER let them anywhere close to my life or my relationships. That would be a BAD idea and they are in a constant chase for relationships because they just don't get how to be LOYAL or have any INTEGRITY in speech or action.

 

I have a handful of FRIENDS.

These are women (and a few men) who respect ME enough that they respect MY choices for my life and support ME and what I WANT. They don't judge, make assumptions, or put me in positions where what I want is sabotaged by their own personal wants.

 

A man isn't a friend to you simply because he has a dingle between his legs, is he Woggs? Because it sure sounds like that is the ONLY criteria you have.

And if he is "fun" to hang out with --- FYI there are plenty of those. The trick is to find those that are fun and also respect you, your wants for your life, and the partner who stands by your side.

 

Your "friend" sounds like a complete douche. No wonder he's single.

[whichwayisup]

Consider the irony of this situation. He's man enough to stand up to his wife and tell her to eat it, but not man enough to stand up to his friend.

 

If he doesn't value his wife enough, he's going to lose her. And once again, perhaps that's what he wants.

 

Bottomline, this ALL still comes down to his trust issues with women due to his past, his upbringing, his mom, and his ex-wife.

 

He still doesn't fully trust his current wife and for him, it's easier to let the so-called friend influence him and allow himself to have doubts about her.

 

IF the marriage ends, chances are he is going to believe 'it would have happened anyway, I just pushed it along so it would happen sooner..' And sadly, I don't think he'll realize that it was he himself who is self sabotaging his own marriage.

 

Island Girl, great reply.

[threebyfate]

The more I think about it, the more I think that Woggle does want to sabotage his marriage.

 

Consider this:

1. If he's single, he doesn't have to battle his misogyny, especially since he's making it her fault, for trying to control him.
   
2. He also gets to be a playah, which is a form of misogyny.
   
3. As a single man, he answers to no one, with no responsibilities.
   

If this is true, Woggle, let your wife go find someone who's emotionally healthy enough to have a real marriage, one of love, trust and respect between partners.

[threebyfate]

Bottomline, this ALL still comes down to his trust issues with women due to his past, his upbringing, his mom, and his ex-wife.

 

He still doesn't fully trust his current wife and for him, it's easier to let the so-called friend influence him and allow himself to have doubts about her.

 

IF the marriage ends, chances are he is going to believe 'it would have happened anyway, I just pushed it along so it would happen sooner..' And sadly, I don't think he'll realize that it was he himself who is self sabotaging his own marriage.

 

Island Girl, great reply.

wwiu, we crossed posts. Take a look at mine. We're both saying similar things but in a different way.

[shadowplay]

The irony is if Woggle ends up destroying his marriage and pushing his wife to leave him, he'll probably just take it as further confirmation of his misogynistic beliefs.

 

I think Woggle having a wife who is actually a good woman is too much cognitive dissonance to him. Maybe that's part of why he's trying to sabotage his marriage.

[threebyfate]

The irony is if Woggle ends up destroying his marriage and pushing his wife to leave him, he'll probably just take it as further confirmation of his misogynistic beliefs.

Exactly. That's why it has to be her fault that the marriage ends.

[The Midnight Rider]

Before we get rolling, I think I'd better say this once and for all. Alphamale, if you are married, your wife is currently plotting to cut your pecker off, douse it with lighter fluid, set it aflame, and dance around it laughing and drinking tequila. If I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open until she divorces you or you learn to shut your trap.

 

Woggs, IslandGirl is dead on. The issue isn't your wife. It aint your buddy. It's you. You need to reach down and grab those things you call balls and if you don't have any, grow a pair. "Wow MR, your harsh!" Yeah, and the sky is blue. Think of it this way; do you remember the day you two got married? Between the tuxes, cake, dresses, flowers and all the other trappings of the marriage festival, some dude dressed in black asked you if you would love, honor, and cherish one another in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, forsaking all others until death do you part? Reading your posts leads me to believe you may have looked at the paster and said "Huh? Yeah...okay...that!". Have you followed ANY of the vows you took? Your marriage is rocky because you haven't fulfilled your end of the bargin And for what? So you won't look weak in front of your homie? Are you twisted?

 

Let me put it to you like this. A happy marriage is surrender. You put yourself in the most vulnerable position a person can put themselves in because you promised to surrender what you are for the sake of what you two will be. If you want to protect yourself because your afraid, that's fine. Marriage aint for everybody and it may not be for you, but you drank the Kool Aid pal and now your in for the long haul. You want a happy marriage? Act like you give a **** about the lady you married as opposed to acting like you married a shrew. Kick your homie to the curb if it will save your marriage. Hell, run over the pope if you need to, but you've GOT to do what you can to save this marriage (forsaking all others ring a bell) if you value your marriage. As for your friend, is he a grown up? Can he eat and poop by himself? If so, let him deal with his problems on his own. Wanna lend him an ear? Give him two, but don't jump over the cliff with him IF you value your wife and your marriage.

[allina]

Woggle! Do not put your wife in a position where she fears speaking up. Your wife brought up an issue that she was frustrated with and you basically threatened her with "I'll chose my scummy friend over you any day so shut up." That is so out of line and must have been incredibly hurtful. Your wife loves you and treats you very well, don't forget that when there is a small conflict.

 

I know that deep down you cherish your wife but when any small issue comes up (and small issue DO come up for even the happiest couples) you bully your wife so much. You would not want your wife to threaten you and not allow you to share your feelings so why do that to her?

 

Your wife being unhappy with a specific thing you did does not mean that she's a man hating walk away wife. This woman has stood by you through a lot. She deserves to have her concerns heard.

[OldEurope]

Before we get rolling, I think I'd better say this once and for all. Alphamale, if you are married, your wife is currently plotting to cut your pecker off, douse it with lighter fluid, set it aflame, and dance around it laughing and drinking tequila. If I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open until she divorces you or you learn to shut your trap.

 

Woggs, IslandGirl is dead on. The issue isn't your wife. It aint your buddy. It's you. You need to reach down and grab those things you call balls and if you don't have any, grow a pair. "Wow MR, your harsh!" Yeah, and the sky is blue. Think of it this way; do you remember the day you two got married? Between the tuxes, cake, dresses, flowers and all the other trappings of the marriage festival, some dude dressed in black asked you if you would love, honor, and cherish one another in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, forsaking all others until death do you part? Reading your posts leads me to believe you may have looked at the paster and said "Huh? Yeah...okay...that!". Have you followed ANY of the vows you took? Your marriage is rocky because you haven't fulfilled your end of the bargin And for what? So you won't look weak in front of your homie? Are you twisted?

 

Let me put it to you like this. A happy marriage is surrender. You put yourself in the most vulnerable position a person can put themselves in because you promised to surrender what you are for the sake of what you two will be. If you want to protect yourself because your afraid, that's fine. Marriage aint for everybody and it may not be for you, but you drank the Kool Aid pal and now your in for the long haul. You want a happy marriage? Act like you give a **** about the lady you married as opposed to acting like you married a shrew. Kick your homie to the curb if it will save your marriage. Hell, run over the pope if you need to, but you've GOT to do what you can to save this marriage (forsaking all others ring a bell) if you value your marriage. As for your friend, is he a grown up? Can he eat and poop by himself? If so, let him deal with his problems on his own. Wanna lend him an ear? Give him two, but don't jump over the cliff with him IF you value your wife and your marriage.

 

 

I disagree strongly with the what I have highlighted in black. I think that just breeds resentment years down the line. It is also morally wrong in and as of itself.

 

No one should "surrender" who they are , if they value who they are...and should value, if they are going to be worth marrying in the first place.

 

His wife knew whom she was marrying, and it doesn't seem to me that Woggle hid his personality from her just to get on her good side. He comes across loud and clear as a personality type even in his brief posts here.

 

He has the right to have his own friendships outside the marriage. I highly doubt, given Woogle's overall anxiety about marriage, that he is going to continue to introduce threats into it. If he is the type to let some cynical friend get the upper hand of his marriage, then there are all kinds of things he would allow to destroy the marriage, whether it is this friend or another friend or whatever else. Character is character.

 

I think the whole issue reeks of a certain immaturity.

 

OE

Edited November 28, 2009 by OldEurope