Wife and I are having problems

[Island Girl]

Here is what started it all. When we were in Vegas it was nearly three weeks and I did not have one episode. I wasn't in a woman hating mood the entire trip My wife said that if she could have bottled whatever was in the air there she would because it was great to see me just let go for once in my life. I was actually feeling about love and everything. It also helped that we got friendly with a couple staying on our floor that seemed to be as in love as we were.

 

When I came back to work and I had to listen to those two women bragging about their affairs as if they some feminist soldiers striking back at the patriarchy I retreated back into misogyny like I was a turtle in it's shell. It was like that high of the vacation came crashing down and here was a sobering reminder of what women are really like and what modern relationships have become. The incident about the friend did not help either because I felt she was trying to control me until I learned the whole story.

 

The reason I am so reluctant to trust is that in many ways I feel I am right. It feels like most women agree with or condone betraying their men and have contempt for men in general.

 

And Woggle ---- NONE of those women are the one that YOU LIVE WITH.

 

If I go down to a local bar and find a couple of guys that hit their wives should I assume and live as EVERY man behaves that way?

Should I sleep next to a partner with my hand on a Smith and Wesson and one eye open???

 

That is what you are doing. You are living in a state of vigilance that is unwarranted.

It is because of the actions OUTSIDE of your home and your relationship.

 

So just as in MY scenario - I wouldn't be getting much sleep and I certainly wouldn't be happy being on guard all the time.

You aren't at peace even internally. You are NEVER at rest. You are never just you.

 

You are Woggle with 500 pounds of armor on lugging that all around with you everywhere all the time. The person paying the biggest price for that is YOU.

And your wife pays as well. Like I said - she must really frickin' love you Woggle. She stays in the game and keeps playing. If they gave an award for dedication in the face of adversity she'd be my pick hands down.

 

Your wife now knows your neighbor. You know -- The Douche -- and she knows he is a schmuck (you know it too now) so should she come home and assume you are just like HE IS?? And she she treat you that way??

The answer would be NO -- and you are doing the same thing to YOUR WIFE all the time.

See? Very sad.

[Woggle]

Ifv you were married to what seemed like a great guy but it seemed that every man in the world was the opposite wouldn't you start to doubt him? If you worked with two cheating scumbags who thought it was the greatest thing in the world to betray the women that love them it wouldn't cause you to doubt all men at all?

[elaina]

And Woggle ---- NONE of those women are the one that YOU LIVE WITH.

 

If I go down to a local bar and find a couple of guys that hit their wives should I assume and live as EVERY man behaves that way?

Should I sleep next to a partner with my hand on a Smith and Wesson and one eye open???

 

That is what you are doing. You are living in a state of vigilance that is unwarranted.

It is because of the actions OUTSIDE of your home and your relationship.

 

So just as in MY scenario - I wouldn't be getting much sleep and I certainly wouldn't be happy being on guard all the time.

You aren't at peace even internally. You are NEVER at rest. You are never just you.

 

You are Woggle with 500 pounds of armor on lugging that all around with you everywhere all the time. The person paying the biggest price for that is YOU.

And your wife pays as well. Like I said - she must really frickin' love you Woggle.

 

Very good points Island Girl.

[Island Girl]

Ifv you were married to what seemed like a great guy but it seemed that every man in the world was the opposite wouldn't you start to doubt him? If you worked with two cheating scumbags who thought it was the greatest thing in the world to betray the women that love them it wouldn't cause you to doubt all men at all?

 

No I wouldn't start to doubt him.

 

But I also wouldn't be looking to every guy I met or saw to validate my own negative view.

 

You encounter women who AREN'T your stereotype. You even said you work with one who is just as disgusted with those women at your work.

 

Isn't it interesting Woggle - you look at the two snags and find validation that you take home UNFAIRLY to your wife.

Yet the other woman validates NOTHING -- and you don't take THAT home...?

 

Are you seeing it yet???

[elaina]

Ifv you were married to what seemed like a great guy but it seemed that every man in the world was the opposite wouldn't you start to doubt him? If you worked with two cheating scumbags who thought it was the greatest thing in the world to betray the women that love them it wouldn't cause you to doubt all men at all?

 

No. People are different. People have different values, priorities, ideas of fun, different talents,... lumping people into just one category isn't fair.

 

That's how racism is... judging all people of an ethnic group by a certain standard (even a wrong standard, like thinking a person of a certain skin color is inferior - that is a wrong and untrue.) Racism and prejudice can take on the form of people saying just looking at one person who committed a crime, and lumping all the people who resemble in any way that person into the "bad" category.

 

That isn't true. People are different, and can't be shoveled into boxes just because of the actions or wrong standards of other people.

[Woggle]

No I wouldn't start to doubt him.

 

But I also wouldn't be looking to every guy I met or saw to validate my own negative view.

 

You encounter women who AREN'T your stereotype. You even said you work with one who is just as disgusted with those women at your work.

 

Isn't it interesting Woggle - you look at the two snags and find validation that you take home UNFAIRLY to your wife.

Yet the other woman validates NOTHING -- and you don't take THAT home...?

 

Are you seeing it yet???

 

I guess you do have a good point.

[Island Girl]

I guess you do have a good point.

 

My marriage recently ended Woggle.

 

The distance and turn of events just kind of disintegrated it. That part makes me sad. But I don't regret it. I learned a lot through it. I wish him well.

I know I will love again and when it happens it'll be fabulous.

 

And I do not think in any way shape or form that just because this ended my next relationship will end not only the same way but end in general.

 

I'm one of those good girls Woggle. I stayed loyal and dedicated to my husband though he was 5600 miles away for 7 years out of 9.

For you to assume we are all walk away wives or ones who treat our husbands like crap is insulting. I'm sure you can understand that.

 

Your wife sounds nothing like the women you describe and I don't think you would have married her otherwise. You insult her tremendously by lumping her in with the negative versions you see. I wish you could see that too.

That you make a habit of insulting and discounting your wife. You don't see her for who she is.

And then you say you treat her so well. -- I'm not saying you are mean to her or anything but it is a betrayal to think that way of her all the time when she SOOOOO doesn't deserve it.

[Woggle]

I understand how it might be insulting but how do you think I feel when I hear that all men are overgrown babies who suck the life out of a woman or all men are oppressors who deserve to get cheated on? How do you think I feel when I hear women talk about betraying good men as if it were some feminist act of empowerment?

 

I know this might sound crazy but I do not view myself as a misogynist. I feel that I am just defending myself against misandry.

[Boundary Problem]

I am just defending myself against misandry.

 

 

 

Really?

 

 

(answer too short)

[Island Girl]

I understand how it might be insulting but how do you think I feel when I hear that all men are overgrown babies who suck the life out of a woman or all men are oppressors who deserve to get cheated on? How do you think I feel when I hear women talk about betraying good men as if it were some feminist act of empowerment?

 

I think you feel the same insult Woggle. That is why I am so surprised you participate in it flying the other way.

 

If I know something is wrong, and feel the sting of it being wrong - there is no way I could ever justify doing that to others. Even nameless faceless others.

 

And I especially could never justify treating the person closest to me - my spouse - with actions born in the spirit of such a harmful idea (which again is NOT TRUE).

[Woggle]

I think you feel the same insult Woggle. That is why I am so surprised you participate in it flying the other way.

 

If I know something is wrong, and feel the sting of it being wrong - there is no way I could ever justify doing that to others. Even nameless faceless others.

 

And I especially could never justify treating the person closest to me - my spouse - with actions born in the spirit of such a harmful idea (which again is NOT TRUE).

 

I fly it the other way because it is the only time in life I have been respected. Women never truly like or love a man but they do respect him and sadly men like me are the ones women respect. The type of men you think I should be is the one that women cheat on and take advantage of. I can even have a decent conversation with my mother these days without her tellling me what a worthless piece of garbage I am and I was never able to do that when I was a nice guy.

[Island Girl]

I fly it the other way because it is the only time in life I have been respected. Women never truly like or love a man but they do respect him and sadly men like me are the ones women respect. The type of men you think I should be is the one that women cheat on and take advantage of. I can even have a decent conversation with my mother these days without her tellling me what a worthless piece of garbage I am and I was never able to do that when I was a nice guy.

 

That is not the type of man I think you should be.

 

Why can't you see there is a HAPPY MEDIUM. You do not need to be a doormat to respect and trust your wife.

You do not need to give up your self respect to give respect and love to another person Woggle. You know that is ridiculous.

 

You should always have boundaries. And you should always stand up for yourself.

 

The difference is - you stand up for yourself WHEN THERE IS A REASON.

 

You are in defense mode and attack ready and there isn't even anything going on! Exhausting life Woggle. Sheezus.

You have no reason to be acting that way in your life or toward you wife.

[whichwayisup]

What happensw if I finally let go of this mistrust and then she slams me with an affair or the I love you but I am not in love with you speech? It took a lot of hard work to build my life back up after the last heartbreak and I don't know if I have it in me to recover from another one. The few times where I do let go and decide to trust her I feel naked, vulnerable and weak and I just want to put on this armor suit of misogyny. Maybe it is wrong but I safe when I being like this. The other part is that I seriously do believe that women that truly love a man and are commited are very very very rare if they even exist at all.

 

That could happen..Just like you, one day you could do that exact same thing to her..You could have an affair, or give HER the I love you, but I'm not inlove with you speech..

 

Bottomline of EVERYTHING in your marriage is, you have trust issues and you will always have these trust issues no matter what. You let your past hurts and pains get in the way and it's causing you to lose happiness in the NOW. Today. You're so worried about sheeyot that hasn't happened, nor than likely won't happen cuz for some reason the woman you are married to DOES love you, has proved herself to you over and over again.

 

Maybe..Just maybe.. It's "you" you don't trust. That secretly this feeling you have, that envy of wanting to be single and a player, to be unattainable, unemotional and unattached is actually the fear YOU could betray and cheat on your wife. Just something to think about.

[whichwayisup]

Ifv you were married to what seemed like a great guy but it seemed that every man in the world was the opposite wouldn't you start to doubt him? If you worked with two cheating scumbags who thought it was the greatest thing in the world to betray the women that love them it wouldn't cause you to doubt all men at all?

 

It's because you process what goes on around you much differently than most. Your own personal experiences and pain, the ex-W, your mom, drives a shooting warning through you when you hear others around you talking about this stuff... It sets you off. MOST people don't react, nor let that kind of stuff affect them like it does you.

 

THINK about that, please.

[whichwayisup]

Woggle..Just a question. How is it that it's OK for you to miss and want to be player, wish sometimes you weren't married, so you can do whatever you please with whom.. But, on another thread, a woman said she loves her husband, but asked if having fantasies about other men is normal, and you shot her down, told her to more or less leave her H before she goes and cheats.

 

How come it's OK for you to lust or desire other women when you're married, wish you were a player and single..But for her (or any other married woman) it's the complete opposite?

[Island Girl]

Woggle..Just a question. How is it that it's OK for you to miss and want to be player, wish sometimes you weren't married, so you can do whatever you please with whom.. But, on another thread, a woman said she loves her husband, but asked if having fantasies about other men is normal, and you shot her down, told her to more or less leave her H before she goes and cheats.

 

How come it's OK for you to lust or desire other women when you're married, wish you were a player and single..But for her (or any other married woman) it's the complete opposite?

 

Another great point WWIU.

[Boundary Problem]

I fly it the other way because it is the only time in life I have been respected. Women never truly like or love a man but they do respect him and sadly men like me are the ones women respect. The type of men you think I should be is the one that women cheat on and take advantage of. I can even have a decent conversation with my mother these days without her tellling me what a worthless piece of garbage I am and I was never able to do that when I was a nice guy.

 

 

 

Woggle are you a reformed nice guy?

 

 

interesting.

[Woggle]

Woggle are you a reformed nice guy?

 

 

interesting.

 

Yes I am. Women used to treat me like garbage. After my divorce I just simply stopped caring about pleasing women I noticed that I was much more successful with them. People can knock my attitude all they want but if they knew me before they would completely understand why I am the way I am. If women don't want men to be hateful misogynists they should treat us better when we do love and respect them.

[Woggle]

Woggle..Just a question. How is it that it's OK for you to miss and want to be player, wish sometimes you weren't married, so you can do whatever you please with whom.. But, on another thread, a woman said she loves her husband, but asked if having fantasies about other men is normal, and you shot her down, told her to more or less leave her H before she goes and cheats.

 

How come it's OK for you to lust or desire other women when you're married, wish you were a player and single..But for her (or any other married woman) it's the complete opposite?

 

Any man who has gotten the I love you but I am not in love with speech knows this is how it starts. It is obvious to any man who has been on her husbands end that she is falling out of love with him.

[Citizen Erased]

Any man who has gotten the I love you but I am not in love with speech knows this is how it starts. It is obvious to any man who has been on her husbands end that she is falling out of love with him.

 

You in no way answered her question. Can you actually read?

[Boundary Problem]

If women don't want men to be hateful misogynists they should treat us better when we do love and respect them.

 

I actually agree with this.

[Boundary Problem]

Any man who has gotten the I love you but I am not in love with speech knows this is how it starts. It is obvious to any man who has been on her husbands end that she is falling out of love with him.

 

 

Well it is better than her being indifferent.

 

I think a woman can love a man (without being "in love") with him and still be very sexually attracted.

 

Once they are indifferent it has hit the point of no return.

[Pyro]

You in no way answered her question. Can you actually read?

 

You should know by now he avoids answering questions that makes him in the wrong.

[Woggle]

Well it is better than her being indifferent.

 

I think a woman can love a man (without being "in love") with him and still be very sexually attracted.

 

Once they are indifferent it has hit the point of no return.

 

This is the start of her becoming indifferent. The seeds are being planted for a walkaway wife situation in her case. Also if my wife posted on here I am sure most of you would advise her to leave so why should I advise any different in that situation? Her husband is in for some serious heartbreak and she should be honest enough to let him get out before he gets hurt too bad.

[Pyro]

This is the start of her becoming indifferent. The seeds are being planted for a walkaway wife situation in her case. Also if my wife posted on here I am sure most of you would advise her to leave so why should I advise any different in that situation? Her husband is in for some serious heartbreak and she should be honest enough to let him get out before he gets hurt too bad.

 

I recommend you use this advice.