Wife and I are having problems

[Citizen Erased]

Maybe it is but it not meant to hurt her. It is to protect myself.

Shouldn't you be wanting to protect the woman you love?

[whichwayisup]

While I agree that no one can fix him and he needs to fix himself by being determined to combat his obsessive thinking, I disagree that putting it all onto his wife, is healthy for him or fair to her. Woggle has GOT to want to fix himself, learning to rely on healthy thought patterns and trust in himself.

 

He has to let her in once in a while..She should know he has worries and fears. She can calm his nerves, help him through this. Not 24/7, but when he is really feeling bad and full of mistrust and it's on his mind too much, then yeah, talkin to her would be a good thing.

[Woggle]

by society you mean those two ladies you work with and that other message board you go to?

 

This is somewhat true. I sometimes go to a board dedcicated to cheating women and I come away from there on a warpath.

[threebyfate]

He has to let her in once in a while..She should know he has worries and fears. She can calm his nerves, help him through this. Not 24/7, but when he is really feeling bad and full of mistrust and it's on his mind too much, then yeah, talkin to her would be a good thing.

wwiu, you put too much on his wife. I agree they need better communication but she cannot be responsible for his fears. She's not his mother and shouldn't take on the role of "the good mother" vs his "bad mother" of the past.

[whichwayisup]

PTSD is about reliving incidents in his past. He's not reliving the incidents, he's obsessing about what's current and viciously looping, about fictitious possibilities.

 

All of it still reminds of him of his mom, his pyscho ex-wife...The stuff that goes on around him just gets him going. The root of all this IS from his painful past.

[johan]

From what I have read, he's only managed to keep his marriage together by hiding his real feelings about women, his trust issues to do with her. She is aware of his anti female agenda, she agrees blah blah blah but how many of these threads has he started since they married where he doubts her, we all talk him down about how he has a one in a million woman and then it repeats again. It used to repeat every month or so. She has no idea of what the man she is married to is truly like. He's keeping it together by essentially lying to her. Woo, what a nice thing for her to settle for.

 

I've never heard him say he's hidden anything. I don't know that she has no idea what he's truly like. In fact, unless she's Hellen Keller, I'd think she must know about this stuff. The frequency of these episodes has decreased, which anyone would agree is a change for the better.

 

All I know is he has a marriage to what seems to be a great woman, and he's kept it together. I think he deserves credit for that. And maybe the right thing for him to do is to vent on here, instead of dumping all this on his wife. She's his wife, not his therapist.

[Pyro]

This is somewhat true. I sometimes go to a board dedcicated to cheating women and I come away from there on a warpath.

 

THose two ladies and that message board do not represent reality. A small chunk of it yes, but overall no.

[Woggle]

PTSD is about reliving incidents in his past. He's not reliving the incidents, he's obsessing about what's current and viciously looping, about fictitious possibilities.

 

Actually it is true. These two women were talking about going to the high school to pick up boys and all I could think of was the times when I was 11 or 12 and my mother would force me to dance naked in front of her friends.

[whichwayisup]

wwiu, you put too much on his wife. I agree they need better communication but she cannot be responsible for his fears. She's not his mother and shouldn't take on the role of "the good mother" vs his "bad mother" of the past.

 

I'm not saying that at all. Ofcourse she's not his mom, nor should she take on that roll. What i am saying is, the more honest he is with her, and he sees she understands him, it'll ease his worries about her leaving one day, or falling out of love.

[johan]

This is somewhat true. I sometimes go to a board dedcicated to cheating women and I come away from there on a warpath.

 

What is this mystery board we all keep hearing about? Why can't we all have a look?

[threebyfate]

All of it still reminds of him of his mom, his pyscho ex-wife...The stuff that goes on around him just gets him going. The root of all this IS from his painful past.

I don't disagree that the root of many of this problems, lies in the past. Where I disagree, is that it's not a looping of the past. It's an obsessive looping of the current, where his foundational years have affected his coping patterns. Very different from PTSD.

[whichwayisup]

Actually it is true. These two women were talking about going to the high school to pick up boys and all I could think of was the times when I was 11 or 12 and my mother would force me to dance naked in front of her friends.

 

And when you start to remember those awful memories - STOP yourself from going there. Just don't "go there" period.

 

Wog I know you don't feel you need counselling anymore, but CBT would really help you through this stuff.

[Citizen Erased]

I've never heard him say he's hidden anything. I don't know that she has no idea what he's truly like. In fact, unless she's Hellen Keller, I'd think she must know about this stuff. The frequency of these episodes has decreased, which anyone would agree is a change for the better.

 

All I know is he has a marriage to what seems to be a great woman, and he's kept it together. I think he deserves credit for that. And maybe the right thing for him to do is to vent on here, instead of dumping all this on his wife. She's his wife, not his therapist.

Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean he hasn't. She has an idea, of course, but he does hide from her the raging anti women my wife is going to hurt me so I have a sudden need to be a player side of him.

 

I agree, she is a great woman or he never would have married her. I do wonder how long their marriage would last if she read what he posts on here.

What is this mystery board we all keep hearing about? Why can't we all have a look?

I have been curious myself...

[threebyfate]

Actually it is true. These two women were talking about going to the high school to pick up boys and all I could think of was the times when I was 11 or 12 and my mother would force me to dance naked in front of her friends.

Your mother was whacko.

 

Is this something that happens all the time, reliving past incidents like you were there, or did it just bring the memories back?

 

For example, after you came back from your vacation, that first day back, did you spend the day reliving your childhood incidents, after listening to the two women?

[Woggle]

Your mother was whacko.

 

Is this something that happens all the time, reliving past incidents like you were there, or did it just bring the memories back?

 

For example, after you came back from your vacation, that first day back, did you spend the day reliving your childhood incidents, after listening to the two women?

 

It's not just these incidents but it's everything. After my divorce when I developed this attitude was the first time in my life I felt strong and I keep going back to that because I don't want to feel weak again.

[deux ex machina]

If someone ever really got to know you, would they still love you? Or would they leave?

 

You may have to learn to tolerate the anxiety of getting close to someone. It'll feel worse before it will feel better, but it's worth it.

 

It won't kill you. It will feel like it, but it won't.

You never really lose yourself.

 

Hang in there.

[Woggle]

To be honest there are also times when I feel I am too messed up to ever have a normal relationship. I have thought that maybe I should find some misandrist as screwed up as I am and we can both abuse the hell out of each other. I wonder if I am sometimes damaged to the point of no return.

[threebyfate]

It's not just these incidents but it's everything. After my divorce when I developed this attitude was the first time in my life I felt strong and I keep going back to that because I don't want to feel weak again.

But you know inside you, that it doesn't really strengthen you. Strength and power come from within you, not from relying on something that eats away at you. When you rely on this, it weakens the man inside of you, since you leverage yourself off of others.

 

You're no longer that scared little boy. When I think of that little boy, it really makes me sad that he had to grow up in that horrid environment.

 

You're now a man and no one can make you do anything, you're not willing to do. You don't need this crap.

[Pyro]

To be honest there are also times when I feel I am too messed up to ever have a normal relationship. I have thought that maybe I should find some misandrist as screwed up as I am and we can both abuse the hell out of each other. I wonder if I am sometimes damaged to the point of no return.

 

There is always room for change, but you have to have an open mind about things and not assume the worse. You will have to take a leap of faith every once in a while if you ever want to fix the damage.

[deux ex machina]

To be honest there are also times when I feel I am too messed up to ever have a normal relationship. I have thought that maybe I should find some misandrist as screwed up as I am and we can both abuse the hell out of each other. I wonder if I am sometimes damaged to the point of no return.

 

You are never broken and beyond hope unless you believe it.

 

You're frightened and scarred.

[Woggle]

Shouldn't you be wanting to protect the woman you love?

 

I want to but if I do will she even appreciate it?

[Pyro]

I want to but if I do will she even appreciate it?

 

Thats part of marriage, even life. You take leap of faiths like that. She said "I do", so chances are she will appreciate it.

[Woggle]

Believe me I do a good job of hiding the worst from my wife. As fas she knows this was only a disagreement about my friend who I did the right thing about when she told me the whole story.

 

I don't really want to be a player but it does seem in life like those men are the ones who come out ahead while the good and devoted husbands get cheated on left and right and dumped so a woman can fool around with these same players.

[threebyfate]

Woggle, why do so many people try to help you, especially all the women on LS, when you continue insulting our entire gender freely? Do you think we're hurt when you don't appreciate our help?

[Woggle]

Woggle, why do so many people try to help you, especially all the women on LS, when you continue insulting our entire gender freely? Do you think we're hurt when you don't appreciate our help?

 

Good question. Why do you try to help when I spew so much venom towards women? I am being serious because I know I would have nothing but hate towards a female version of me and yes I know that is a complete double standard.