Koshizan Posted December 15, 2003 Share Posted December 15, 2003 Hello, I found this forum a few months ago and I have really enjoyed many of the posts and people. On to my small problem.... Me and my then-girlfriend dated for about two or so years and it was a great relationship and both of us had fun. We ended up breaking up about three months ago. She was tired of dating and felt that we just werent right for each other. Heres the problem.... We ended on great terms, both in agreement and both wanting to continue a great friendship that we have built over the years. I have read many posts about the above scenario but all of them basically say "Dont contact" "move on." However, i dont want to do that. I dont want to not make contact with her. I want to take a step back and have a great friendship again. My frienship with her hasnt been destoryed but its not really good either. We both have been going through the process of switching from romatic interests to friends. Its a slow process but its been hard for me. She has started talking about dating other guys. Every time it gets brought up, it still sort of hurts. Not because i want to date her but because i am afriad of losing her because our friendship isnt really back to what it was before yet. I think that if she gets involved with another guy, she will just shift directions and forget about our friendship. Im truly just afraid of losing her as a friend. So my question is, how do you rebuild a friendship after dating for a long period of time? I am willing to put in the work, and i know she is as well...i just have a few fears(which could be unfounded anyways). Again, to clarify...I agree we are not meant for each other romantically but we were the greatest of friends and i want to try and get that back. Thanks for listening =p TJ Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 15, 2003 Share Posted December 15, 2003 The best way to do this is to give it time. Very often, ex-lovers become friends, but first all the memory and feelings from the old relationship have to have time to wane. It's too soon to try to become friends again now. You'll need many more months - possibly six, or as much as a year - before this is likely to work out the way you hope. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 15, 2003 Share Posted December 15, 2003 We ended on great terms, both in agreement and both wanting to continue a great friendship that we have built over the years. I have read many posts about the above scenario but all of them basically say "Dont contact" "move on." However, i dont want to do that. I dont want to not make contact with her. I want to take a step back and have a great friendship again. I can't imagine someone advising a cease-contact when you leave on good terms. Tons of people stay friends with people that they once dated. Also, I'd also advise you to move on, as in, be sure in your own mind you have NO desire for this to develop back into a romantic relationship. If you put in the effort to maintain the friendship as much as you would for your other friends, she'll know the difference, and if she wants to be friends, she'll put in equal effort on her side. Maybe I missed a crucial word in your post, or you're not telling the whole story, but what's keeping you guys from being friends? It sounds like it'd be an easy friendship, seeing as how you already like each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Koshizan Posted December 15, 2003 Share Posted December 15, 2003 Although we both ended on good terms, it still really hurts to think about alot of the memories and feelings that i once had for her but are no longer there between us like Moimeme said. What really made the whole situation bad was that it caught me off guard. She has been thinking about just being friends for a few months, wereas i was thinking about the future. Normally we have great communication but she withheld her feelings about it until the very end. In the last few months i could tell something was wrong but whenever I asked she sort of blow it off as nothing or she was just tired or dealing with family problems. I thought something was a bit off but i sure wasnt thinking that she was preparing to break up. We never kept secrets and we always told each other problems....so when I found out she was planning for a month or two, I felt as though my trust was violated. In some ways, im still a little hurt that she didnt think she could speak to me about her doubts about our relationship. Although, i guess i cant really blame her for not saying anything...if i was in that situation, i dont really know what i would say either. So yea, there are still some feelings between us, which makes it really awkward but both of us agree that we arent right for each other in terms of dating. I believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 15, 2003 Share Posted December 15, 2003 Oh, well it sounds like you've made your offer of friendship, now maybe do it what moimeme said and let it cool for awhile, so that you can gauge how far she wants to take it. Maybe it's too awkward for her, and she'll back away, in which case, don't pursue. But you back off, and she still pursues a friendship, I think the feelings will take care of themselves. Unless you allow yourself to fall back in love with her, which is a lot different than reminiscing about what once was. Then it becomes your responsibility to break off the friendship, since you're expecting more than you're going to get. Link to post Share on other sites
Koshizan Posted December 15, 2003 Share Posted December 15, 2003 Sound like some great advice, thank you =p TJ Link to post Share on other sites
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