Another case of her "wanting to find herself"

[Simon Attwood]

My ex called me twice just now needing help with the complicated network I set up for the internet. I have our house wired with Cat 5 ethernet cable and use a system of switches and routers to get what I need. I digress ...

 

The first time she called, I missed her call, so I had to call her back. She mentioned right away (without saying hello) that she was having problems with our wireless router. I was nice, very accommodating, and helped her get squared away.

 

She called me back 5 minutes later asking for more help (which turned out to be user error). We hung up after saying an unemotional "bye". By this time, I was a little aggravated.

 

I called her back and told her, "you really need to learn how to do this stuff on your own, have someone else help you, or set up a much simpler network". I then mentioned that "I really want to move on and not communicate for a while" ... let alone be her IT helpdesk. She kind of got defensive, but I wouldn't give in. She hung up angry.

 

Did I do a horrible thing? I was not a complete A-Hole, but at the same time, I was not a pushover. I really want to succeed with NC, and her contacting me for help throws it all off. Besides, doesn't she want to be "independent" and "be [her] own person"? Or ... does helping her give me a chance of winning her back?

 

 

Sorry, I think you're being a bit stupid here, not horrible, just stupid. she was calling out to you, the network was just a convenient excuse. You need to stand up for yourself and stand up to her. Yes it was manipulation but it was manipulation with a motive and the motive was "help me". not help me with the network, just "help me".

 

if you are looking for a good book to read, try; "Games People Play" by Eric Berne MD

 

Right now you are both playing games ...

[overlyConfused]

Sorry, I think you're being a bit stupid here, not horrible, just stupid. she was calling out to you, the network was just a convenient excuse. You need to stand up for yourself and stand up to her. Yes it was manipulation but it was manipulation with a motive and the motive was "help me". not help me with the network, just "help me".

 

if you are looking for a good book to read, try; "Games People Play" by Eric Berne MD

 

Right now you are both playing games ...

 

 

Thank you for your feedback, Simon. Rather than calling me stupid, can you give me more detail on what it is you suggest so that I can stop being stupid? I do admit I helped her initially, but I became disillusioned immediately and told her to go find someone else to help her.

 

I will definitely check out the book you mentioned. I truly appreciate the recommendation. The Amazon reviews seem very good.

[whichwayisup]

You aren't stupid at ALL. You did the right thing by letting her know that she should find someone else to help her. I mean, what's next? She gonna call if the toilet overflows, or the washing machine stops working? I'm sure she has other friends, family members, maybe even a brother, or a neighbour who can help her.

 

She has to get used to being alone and being independant, not to call you to 'help' her anymore.

[Simon Attwood]

Thank you for your feedback, Simon. Rather than calling me stupid, can you give me more detail on what it is you suggest so that I can stop being stupid? I do admit I helped her initially, but I became disillusioned immediately and told her to go find someone else to help her.

 

I will definitely check out the book you mentioned. I truly appreciate the recommendation. The Amazon reviews seem very good.

 

 

I am sorry if I offended, that wasn't my intention.

 

There is a huge difference between calling someone stupid and telling someone that they are "being a bit stupid". We can all be a bit stupid from time to time, it doesn't make us stupid people, it just means we can all get it wrong sometimes, often because fear influences our decisions.

 

There is a good reason that fear influences our decisions. The first part of our brains to develop was the one that processes and responds to fear. This brain part sits right atop the brain stem and all other brain signals have to go through this part to instigate action and behaviour. Although this brain part is small and simple, it still has the power to take over our decision making processes and apply a simple, dichotomous answer to threat; "Fight or Flight". For millions of years this brain part kept us safe from predators. The rest of the brain is a baby by comparison.

 

Our modern world has changed so much in the last few hundred years, but our brains haven't really caught up, and this fear response is vastly inadequate in dealing with the situations that we now find threatening in modern life. Today, we cannot simply fight or run away from a problem. The problems we face now are complex and running away from them can cause even more problems, fighting even worse so, but this is what our brains are trying to tell us to do when we find ourselves in threatening or uncertain situations.

 

My suggestion; is begin with that book. And follow it with many more. Start really learning something about yourself and others. It might not help you change things, but it will help you understand the why's and wherefore's. And hopefully you will want to change your name to "LessConfused"

Edited December 20, 2009 by Simon Attwood

[overlyConfused]

Simon: what you are saying seems to really hit home with me. Yes, I will absolutely check that book out.

[overlyConfused]

I just reserved Games People Play today and will pick it up from the book store in a few hours. The funny thing is that the attendant was unable to find the book at first. It turns out that they literally just received it yesterday, and it had not been slated to place on the shelves yet. What a coincidence The attendant was a little surprised that I was reserving such a book so close to the holidays ... so surprised that she had to comment on this a few times. She meant well.

 

I went out again last night and had a very good time. I do admit I had copious amounts of alcohol; nevertheless, it was great to socialize. The downside is how I feel right now (after waking up). Perhaps alcohol is not the best thing to partake in during these times of sadness. It just makes it hard not to when it is a huge part of nighttime socialization.

 

I have a bunch of household chores to do and will probably have to work a little, so I should have my mind busy today. I'm looking forward to picking up my book and start reading. I have a feeling I'll finish it very quickly.

[nobmagnet]

recon I might buy it too!

 

Glad you had a great night. Hangover?? big fat fry-up always does the trick for me!

 

when your done cleaning I have a pileof ironing here if your bored??!!!!!

 

xx

[overlyConfused]

recon I might buy it too!

 

Glad you had a great night. Hangover?? big fat fry-up always does the trick for me!

 

when your done cleaning I have a pileof ironing here if your bored??!!!!!

 

xx

 

 

Well ... no alcohol-induced hangover here. I'm really good about hydrating properly before I go to bed. I guess it is more of an emotional hangover. I started feeling sorry for myself as soon as I woke up, since I had some vivid dreaming going on last night that involved me and my ex naked together (Don't worry; I won't get into details) .

 

Regarding the ironing, bring it on

[nobmagnet]

if I dreamt about my ex it would be a nightmare! especcially if we were naked.......yeuk!

 

If you do me ironing its only fare I do the cooking. whaddaya want for dinner?? hahaha

[overlyConfused]

... My suggestion; is begin with that book. And follow it with many more. Start really learning something about yourself and others. It might not help you change things, but it will help you understand the why's and wherefore's. And hopefully you will want to change your name to "LessConfused"

 

Well ... I read the book (Games People Play by Eric Berne) cover to cover today. I have to admit, this book probably isn't geared for a layman such as myself; however, I did find utility in this book. It all made sense to me with regards to my relationship with my ex. Berne speaks of a Parent-Child transaction, and I am beginning to realize that this is how I treated my ex. I was not domineering by any means, but at the same time, I admit in hindsight that I was too clingy.

 

Now, the game that we are currently playing (according to Berne) is one called, "If it weren't for you ..."

 

• If it weren't for me, she wouldn't be so sheltered.
  
• If it weren't for me, she would have made more friends in college.
  
• If it weren't for me, she would know who she was.
  
• If it weren't for me, she would know what it was like to be independent.
  

 

I feel myself starting to take two steps back. I'm really missing her right now, and God knows what Christmas and New Years is going to be like without her. I have been trying to experience new things, and each time I do, I think to myself, "man ... she would totally love this place". I really wish I could wake up next to her ... like I have done for the past 8 years. I do realize I need to focus on myself. I'm trying to suck it up, but I'm having a hard time.

[Simon Attwood]

Well reading it cover to cover is quite exceptional, I would say. when I first read it, I probably did it in a dozen or so stints. It's a small book but there's a fair amount to take in. However you were motivated and that often makes a difference.

 

I wonder how much you did take in, though?

 

Looking back on it now, it's another one of those books that taxonomises types, and as long as you accempt the taxonomy as a guide and not a rule, you will understand that the games portrayed in the book are not games with a certain format or set of rules. Games can intermingle, each person's games and the rules they play their games by are often unique, what unifies them is motive.

 

Try next; "Love and Hate, psychoanalytic perspectives"

 

ISBN 1-781583 911426

 

it might take you a bit longer to read

[nobmagnet]

sorry you are having a hard time love.

 

distaction is the key..................i need a big distaction today

[overlyConfused]

Well reading it cover to cover is quite exceptional, I would say. when I first read it, I probably did it in a dozen or so stints. It's a small book but there's a fair amount to take in. However you were motivated and that often makes a difference.

 

I wonder how much you did take in, though?

 

Looking back on it now, it's another one of those books that taxonomises types, and as long as you accempt the taxonomy as a guide and not a rule, you will understand that the games portrayed in the book are not games with a certain format or set of rules. Games can intermingle, each person's games and the rules they play their games by are often unique, what unifies them is motive.

 

Try next; "Love and Hate, psychoanalytic perspectives"

 

ISBN 1-781583 911426

 

it might take you a bit longer to read

 

Trust me ... I will probably read Berne's book at least three more times. From a couple of the reviews I read on Amazon, this is the type of book that you should read multiple times to be able to digest the information successfully.

[overlyConfused]

I went out and bought another book to keep my mind busy: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I also joined a Meetup.com group to meet new people. I'm trying my best to defeat this horrible experience, but it is proving more difficult by the day.

[curiou]

I just tried catching up on your posts. About the computer thing, hey, do whatever you want, as long as you know that sometimes, people who leave a long-term relationship from a partner who didn't want to break up, try to maintain some sort of contact, usually for selfish reasons.

 

She may be trying to make sure you're still "around."

 

What right does she have to make you feel guilty you weren't available because her mom was inconsolable? I mean, REALLY? Who wanted the breakup? Whose mother is it? So whose responsibility is it to do the explaining and comforting? Hers. Done and done.

 

Keep yourself busy and focus on your career. The women will flock to a guy who's trying to make a good life for himself, with good hobbies and the emotional maturity of someone who's been there and done that, and learned from his relationships.

[nobmagnet]

oh so very true!!

 

just the kinds man I would go for!!

[overlyConfused]

How do I get back to being angry? I noticed that, on the days I was mad and on the brink of hating her, I felt strong and was ready to move on. I have not had that angry feeling for almost a week now, and I want it back. It beats feeling sorry for myself.

 

During the angry phase, all it would take was to relive her abandoning me in my mind. This no longer has that effect. Instead, I end up missing everything about her.

[overlyConfused]

How do I get back to being angry? I noticed that, on the days I was mad and on the brink of hating her, I felt strong and was ready to move on. I have not had that angry feeling for almost a week now, and I want it back. It beats feeling sorry for myself.

 

During the angry phase, all it would take was to relive her abandoning me in my mind. This no longer has that effect. Instead, I end up missing everything about her.

 

I apologize for bumping my own thread, but I honestly would like to know how others have dealt the inability for anger, or is anger with regards to helping you move on not condoned?

[nobmagnet]

i agree we do draw strength from anger.

 

its hard to explain but I know I got more resolve when I got cross. Mybe its just a phase for you as there as so many phases arnt there??? I am lucky i am sorry to say but my ex was such a **** I cant see the good in him. It wasnt all bad but i cant see the good yet.

 

Maybe you will stub your toe and get cross again??!!!

 

hugs neet x

[overlyConfused]

A lot of threads in LS suggest being near family and friends after being abandoned. Is there anything wrong with wanting to be alone? All my life, whenever I encountered any stresses or sadness, I always wanted to be alone, and it always seemed to help. Should being abandoned by my ex be any different?

[nobmagnet]

nope be alone if thats what you want...........ITS YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!

 

you choose you have nobody else to consider.

 

Bring on the new year I say xx

[Simon Attwood]

I apologize for bumping my own thread, but I honestly would like to know how others have dealt the inability for anger, or is anger with regards to helping you move on not condoned?

 

 

That may well have been my fault and if so i am sorry.

 

In order to hold anger at someone, you need to hold them totally responsible for their behaviour. The suggestions I have made point towards us being less responsible than the accepted norm, and driven by twisted and confused primitive instincts and drives that we ourselves are unconscious of.

 

Perhaps something in your head is now telling you that perhaps she wasn't as totally responsible for her behaviour as you first believed. These are very challenging times for society, because psychology and neuroscience are coming together and the conclusions they are coming to are challenging towards the picture society paints of us being solely responsible for our behaviour. We are now coming to accept that this is not quite the case and not only is our behaviour unconsciously driven before we are even consciously aware of it, but that it is also very easy to provoke, manipulate and influence others behaviour through unconscious projections.

 

These games that you read about in Berne's book, they are not, I am sure you have realised, games played in any sense for fun, they are very serious games and they are played for points, to win games, to win confrontations, to score goals. They are purely primitive and animalistic in that respect, they are about winning confrontations & dominating or getting the upper hand in encounters.

 

This is a very important point in understanding any form of conflict, especially in relationships.

Edited December 24, 2009 by Simon Attwood

[overlyConfused]

If I really think about it logically, tomorrow is just another day; however, the media, advertisers, marketeers, and the rest of society have drilled it into our heads that the holidays are about families ... and have no room for solitude. I spent Thanksgiving alone, and I plan to spend tomorrow and New Years alone. I was a loner before I met my ex, so I guess this is where I find comfort.

 

I have done a good job of not drinking myself to a retarded state, but I plan on indulging in a bottle of Shiraz and a 6-pack of Sam Adams tomorrow. I'm hoping that doing so will eliminate the delusion I have in my mind that she will call me up and ask me to take her back.

[TheBritishGuy]

Just read through a lot of what you have said and you have dealt with all this extremely well.

 

At first when you started off you were too attached and not thinking rationally which could have led to unforeseen consequences.

 

Now that your emotions associated with the situation are simmering you are basically in a position that allows you to put logical thinking before emotion. You are in a position where you can clearly see things.

 

I know you'd probably take her back in a heartbeat but if the situation remains the same way then it's time to move on.

 

You've been very brave though and come through it all with your head high. You may not have gotten what you wanted but if you learn from your mistakes then its never truly a bad thing.

[overlyConfused]

Thank you for the encouragement, TheBritishGuy. Yes, I have been trying to keep my head high. I usually have strong will power, and when I say I am going to do something, I try my best to succeed. This characteristic is actually one of the things that I think my ex loved about me the most.

 

I would be naive to say that I have it all figured out from here on out. I expect to go through more phases and more flip-flopping, but I am optimistic that this sadness will soon die down.

 

With this in mind, a funny coincidence just occurred. I ordered Chinese takeout yesterday and forgot to eat the fortune cookies. I opened them up a few minutes ago, and this is what they read verbatim:

 

"A friend or partner will be giving you needed information. Listen!"

 

"You will be transforming a situation in your life now with a positive attitude"

 

 

Hilarious, isn't it? Of course, these fortunes are intended to be very generic and easy to apply to everyone; nevertheless, I found them to be very amusing given my situation.