Last ditch attempt to reach out to my Wife

[curiou]

I know you feel your wife is in the fog, FL98, and you've made it a point to say that you love her unconditionally (I hope I'm remembering this right, I didn't go back over your old posts).

 

Does that mean that if she is "in the fog" for another six months, you will continue to love her?

 

What if she is "in the fog" for the next two years, will you continue to love her unconditionally?

 

At what point is it not "the fog?" What if her relationship with her boyfriend ends, and she still doesn't want to get back with you? Or wants to get back with you because her 18 year old boyfriend is no longer available?

 

Loving your partner through crises is important, to be sure, but there is a limit. Unconditional love makes for great story-telling, but the harsh reality is your wife doesn't deserve it.

 

This is who she is. She hasn't been replaced by aliens. And if you're convinced it's the fog, then she is a woman who is impressionable enough to succumb to fog.

[broken hearted]

On second thought...don't do it! She doesn't respect you or your marriage! She knows you love her, she knows you care, she knows you'd take her back! You are a doormat that she will come crawling back to when she's done with her boytoy! My stbx has no respect for me either...he knows I love him, he knows I will never stop loving him, and he knows he can do whatever he wants and thinks I will take him back at any point no matter what! They don't deserve us and they know it but they also know our love is blinding us from seeing that and, therefore, they continue to disrespect us and our marriage and history!

[Chrome Barracuda]

DO NOT DO IT!!!!

 

you'll only be hurting yourself and she'll slap you down for even attempting to contact her. This relationship with this 18 yr old and her will start to shatter.

 

Also her stepson is living there with her?

 

You know what's gonna happen, the stepson is gonna bring a girl home around the new boyfriends age and he's gonna hit on her, like some jerry springer crap.

 

You need to be far away from this mass dysfunction as possible. The 18 yr old is probably gonna start feeling used and like a piece of meat.

 

The affair will end and when it does your gonna be thinking, damn was the destruction of our family and our lives worth it?

 

Dude your better off and one day you will realize that, your gonna stop questioning yourself and your love for this woman and realize that in the end you did all you could.

 

Now Move ON!!!

 

Dont you dare turn back to this woman! 47 yr old woman, her looks aint gonna last forever. You have a chance to start over with someone else!

[tojaz]

On second thought...don't do it! She doesn't respect you or your marriage! She knows you love her, she knows you care, she knows you'd take her back! You are a doormat that she will come crawling back to when she's done with her boytoy! My stbx has no respect for me either...he knows I love him, he knows I will never stop loving him, and he knows he can do whatever he wants and thinks I will take him back at any point no matter what! They don't deserve us and they know it but they also know our love is blinding us from seeing that and, therefore, they continue to disrespect us and our marriage and history!

 

:bunny: That a Girl!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

I am listening. I'm listening.

 

I'm about to say OK F*ck it ... I won't contact her ...

 

I just know that I do love her today and would try reconciliation today if SHE wanted to genuinely try and do all the stuff that would have to go with it. But I won't love her anymore real soon. That's why I thought of this "last ditch attempt".

I will still care about her, will still remember the GOOD about her and the M, i.e. almost all of the 16 years minus the last 2-3 weeks, ... but I will stop loving her soon and I will never be her friend. At some point I will not even want to ever see her again. I can foresee myself in 6 months or a year bumping in to her and just ignoring her.

 

Curiou - Yes, I loved her unconditionally, but under the condition that she was in the marriage. I would not care how bad she F'd up (money, job, ... whatever) I would always be there for her. And she had tons of baggage coming in to the relationship 16 yrs ago and I didn't care. (Nothing however that would suggest to me she would do what she did to me.)

But I don't think "unconditional love" needs to be qualified with a footnote that says "as long as the partner stays in the M" or "does not commit adultery". I would think that is a given.

The bible (book of Matthew) allows for divorce in the case of adultery so why wouldn't a profession of unconditional love allow for dissolution of this love in the case of adultery. I don't think I am a hypocrite for thinking like this, am I?

 

This so called "Fog" she is in (& other WSs are in) may be permanent. Maybe this is who she is forever now. (18 yr old BF or not)

In the fog for 6 more months? 2 more years? doesn't matter ... if it goes on for just a few more weeks it is over in my mind. Enough is enough. I don't want the future regrets but I also don't want to feel even deeper pain than I have felt or feel now.

 

TY all. I am not stubborn - I will read all advice posted and truly try to analyze and feel it.

 

I have not made up my mind. This is why I came HERE with this dilemma.

 

PEACE!

[JaneDoe35]

Hi FL, I don't think you should write her a letter.

 

I feel that if you just hang in there with NC - the feeling of wanting to make this last ditch attempt will fade.

 

She will only hurt you with her response. She does not deserve any of your attention fullstop.

[sumdude]

Man enters his therapists office during a divorce.

 

DR: So how are you feeling today?

 

MAN : I'm confused, depressed and I don't know what to do.

 

DR: What's going on?

 

MAN: Well my wife, you know the one who left me for another man?

 

DR: Yes, we've been working through this... what's happened now?

 

MAN : Well we haven't spoken for a while, I've really been trying to move on and accept things as they are but..

 

DR: Yes.. and?

 

MAN: It seems like she's making a big mistake, I just want her to come back I know we can fix this but she doesn't get it.

 

DR: Has she given you any indication that this is what she wants? After the affair and deception and everything else?

 

MAN: No.. not really... actually not at all.

 

DR: And how does that make you feel?

 

MAN: Awful, just awful.. I feel like she's just throwing me, the marriage and everything away like it was nothing. So I keep thinking that I still love her and if I just talk to her her and let her know how I feel maybe just maybe she'll come around.

 

DR: How often do you have this feeling that you want to put you heart on the table to her?

 

MAN: Pretty often right now.

 

DR: Well let's try this. The next time you feel this way. I want you to stand up and take a deep breath.

 

MAN: OK.

 

DR: Then I want you to walk to the door... and open it.

 

MAN : Right... then what?

 

DR: Then take you d**k and slam it in the door. Because that's all you're doing anyway.

 

 

Yeah I know.. harsh. But it's a weird joke I made up with a friend during my divorce.

 

Seriously though, she doesn't deserve to see your heart. You might not be able to see it right now.

Edited November 29, 2009 by sumdude

[Chrome Barracuda]

Man enters his therapists office during a divorce.

 

DR: So how are you feeling today?

 

MAN : I'm confused, depressed and I don't know what to do.

 

DR: What's going on?

 

MAN: Well my wife, you know the one who left me for another man?

 

DR: Yes, we've been working through this... what's happened now?

 

MAN : Well we haven't spoken for a while, I've really been trying to move on and accept things as they are but..

 

DR: Yes.. and?

 

MAN: It seems like she's making a big mistake, I just want her to come back I know we can fix this but she doesn't get it.

 

DR: Has she given you any indication that this is what she wants? After the affair and deception and everything else?

 

MAN: No.. not really... actually not at all.

 

DR: And how does that make you feel?

 

MAN: Awful, just awful.. I feel like she's just throwing me, the marriage and everything away like it was nothing. So I keep thinking that I still love her and if I just talk to her her and let her know how I feel maybe just maybe she'll come around.

 

DR: How often do you have this feeling that you want to put you heart on the table to her?

 

MAN: Pretty often right now.

 

DR: Well let's try this. The next time you feel this way. I want you to stand up and take a deep breath.

 

MAN: OK.

 

DR: Then I want you to walk to the door... and open it.

 

MAN : Right... then what?

 

DR: Then take you d**k and slam it in the door. Because that's all you're doing anyway.

 

Yeah I know.. harsh. But it's a weird joke I made up with a friend during my divorce.

 

Seriously though, she doesn't deserve to see your heart. You might not be able to see it right now.

 

:lmao: that is awesome!!!

[cyabye]

NO last ditch effort! Listen and listen GOOD! CUT YOUR LOSSES!!!

Remain NO CONTACT. You are about to go before a judge and the last thing you need to be right now is an emotional heartbroken doormat. MAN UP! She made her choice (her bed), let her "lie" in it. We know who is right and who is wrong here. You need to start thinking differently. Ignore your heart and let your brain guide you. Your heart will eventually follow. The heart deceives.

 

I love the joke above. 100% true. It would be less painful if we (loveshack) met you somewhere and beat you with baseball bats than for you to keep putting yourself at her undying altar of CRAP! Her actions show who she is.

 

cyabye

[trippi1432]

Sumdude - that was a good one.....I needed a smile today.

[trippi1432]

FL98 - my interpretation of unconditional love is loving each other for the strentghs and weaknesses, it's a battle that non one wins in.

[tojaz]

FL98 - my interpretation of unconditional love is loving each other for the strentghs and weaknesses, it's a battle that non one wins in.

 

Trippi makes a good point FL. Unconditional love, love in the face of doubt and adversity. That is love in its truest form. Thats what you have for your wife, to be able to swallow so much with a smile on your face in order to try and save your marriage, yet that has to be reciprocated in order for it to exist. Like I said before, if she only returns because of what gestures you say or do, is that really unconditional? The best you can do is forget the tactics and strategies and try to live your life as close to the way you want to live it as you can. Its up to her to decide if she wants to fit into the fray or continue playing house with a child. She needs to learn about herself just as you do. If you both cannot isolate what lead to the breakdown of the relationship, you will be doomed to carry it to the next one. Your here, working on you, and fixing your faults. Your willing to meet half way but don't you dare take a step further!

TOJAZ

[floridapad]

FL.

 

Have you ever considered a different tactic as your last ditch attempt. Your last ditch attempt (I'm trying to say this carefully because we drink together), is a bit weak. I mean you want to just say "Come on honey, you know your screwing up and I love you and we have so many years and your with this boy. He's a boy. Don't you see it. I am a man and I love you....unconditionally", and then walk away. That's your last ditch effort??? Have you ever considered your last ditch effort to let her go. You know the old saying, "sometimes you have to let them go to get them back". Now THAT would be a last ditch effort. Focusing on yourself, letting go, doing things for yourself. Hold off on the dating for now it's way too soon IMHO. Will it be too late for you if she were to come back in 6 months and say "I screwed up". I guess it depends on how truly "unconditional" your love is. One thing for sure, you like most of us, will be waffling with your emotions. Let go and focus on yourself and let's grab a beer at Yolo's on Las Olas and find those nurses.

[broken hearted]

Ugh, I'm so jealous that FL98 and floridapad can actually hang out together and help eachother through this. I HAVE NO ONE WHO EVEN REMOTELY UNDERSTANDS HOW I'M FEELING OR HOW DEBILITATING THIS EXPERIENCE IS! Why do you all live so far away from me???

 

Tojaz, I may buy you a plane ticket soon bc you are always there to respond to my rambling pathetic posts.

[tojaz]

Ugh, I'm so jealous that FL98 and floridapad can actually hang out together and help eachother through this. I HAVE NO ONE WHO EVEN REMOTELY UNDERSTANDS HOW I'M FEELING OR HOW DEBILITATING THIS EXPERIENCE IS! Why do you all live so far away from me???

 

Tell me about it! Am I the only person going through this in the state of Indiana? Everyone I find here is at least 1000 miles away!

 

 

Tojaz, I may buy you a plane ticket soon bc you are always there to respond to my rambling pathetic posts.

Hmmm, Christmas in Vermont, pretty girl, and I'm all out of syrup! Yep, where do I sign!

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

haha...and you like kids! I couldn't ask for anyone better to spend Christmas with if I can't spend it with my stbxh and have it the way it was for 11 years.

[tojaz]

haha...and you like kids! I couldn't ask for anyone better to spend Christmas with if I can't spend it with my stbxh and have it the way it was for 11 years.

 

Love kids, have 2 nephews 12 and 5 I see every chance I get. Coming over today to watch football as a matter of fact. Sadly been more of a dad then theirs ever was, but they really saved me going through this. Your STBX is giving up an awful lot!

[floridapad]

Well as we say in south florida Mi Casa es su casa. Ever need a warm weather retreat, I have a spare bedroom. When the kids aren't staying over that is. Put pictures of the kids in my profile.

 

I'm not so sure Fl would agree with you about having someone close by who knows what it's like. I am a little further along in the process and I can be a bit blunt sometimes. I will say this though FL, you truly are exactly where you are supposed to be emotionally and where I was at your time frame. Your still in shock, grieving, struggling to understand, trying to move forward, perhaps bargaining a bit with the STBXW (last ditch effort). It's friggin tough, but you are exactly where you are supposed to be. It's only been a few months.... I was exactly where you were at. Still am sometimes, but nothing like three months ago. It does get better.

[trippi1432]

Floridapad/FL98 - I'm heading down your way in a few weeks actually, driving through to spend Xmas and New Year's with my folks in Naples. We should all meet somewhere and go out to dinner...do a toast to LS.

[tojaz]

Floridapad/FL98 - I'm heading down your way in a few weeks actually, driving through to spend Xmas and New Year's with my folks in Naples. We should all meet somewhere and go out to dinner...do a toast to LS.

 

Thats a real nice thought! You guys should absolutely put that together!

[trippi1432]

Thats a real nice thought! You guys should absolutely put that together!

 

Well, anyone else that wants to get out of the cold....Florida bound, could have a LS reunion.

[tojaz]

Really wish I could get away for the holidays, could use the break.

[PWSX3]

Ugh, I'm so jealous that FL98 and floridapad can actually hang out together and help eachother through this. I HAVE NO ONE WHO EVEN REMOTELY UNDERSTANDS HOW I'M FEELING OR HOW DEBILITATING THIS EXPERIENCE IS! Why do you all live so far away from me???

I didn't think I had anyone in my area either until I went to Divorce Care classes & we had 22 people in that class. I was amazed listening to everyone's story, getting connected to other people that were going thru the same situation as I was. Funny how so many stories sound the same, yet are so personal to each person.

They teach this class at a local church & they have it in the fall & in the spring. I took the class again in the spring & we had 24 in the class so I'm sure there are people in your area, just need to do some research.

I would suggest to anyone if they could find a Divorce Care in there area it was worth it to me.

From that class I started others that have helped me so much more forward in my life.

 

FL98,

There is something else I would like to bring up, you said her mom or someone passed away not to long ago????

That is something that you can't just sweep under the rug, there is a lot of grieving needed to be done there as well & I wonder if she is just using the OB (other boy) to cover up the hurt she is not wanting to deal with there.....

 

I HIGHLY advice you not to write her, contact her anymore then you need to. She WILL NOT understand, she will put it back into your face....She will need to hit bottom before she will finally realize what is happening, there is nothing you can say or do that will help her.

 

I had an affair 20 years ago and trust me, she will do whatever she needs to do to keep that going. That is her drug of choice right now, but once it wears off then she will be on to something else or someone else.

 

You can talk until you are blue in the face, you can write all the letters you want, but she DOES NOT CARE!!!!!!

 

My former wife & I separated for 7 months. It took her 7 months to finally realize that she did miss me, & at the time we were both trying to make our marriage work so 3 months isn't nothing especially when she doesn't want to work on it.

 

I hate to say it because I do believe in doing everything you can to save your marriage, but sometimes we have to move on.

[FeelingLonely98]

I'm still sitting on the fence here ... TY all ... leaning towards doing nothing, i.e., continuing NC. I have a few more days to decide.

 

I never thought there would be 600+ views in just over 24 hrs for this post. YIKES!

 

LS reunion in Fla. sounds good trippi!!! LOL

[tojaz]

I'm still sitting on the fence here ... TY all ... leaning towards doing nothing, i.e., continuing NC. I have a few more days to decide.

 

I never thought there would be 600+ views in just over 24 hrs for this post. YIKES!

 

LS reunion in Fla. sounds good trippi!!! LOL

 

FL keep in mind the risk your taking! Right now this thought is relieving pressure, giving you a sense of hope and relieving a little stress. What happens in the face of a negative response? Your going to feel just lie the day she left, all those hard earned gains will be out the window. Take it from someone whos been there! Shortly before she filed, we had a talk, she actually called me!! We talked pleasantly discussed reconciliation and I was on top of the world. The next day I let sleeping dogs lie. I get a call as I'm leaving work it's her and I answered as happily as I had ever. Two words. "I FILED" then she hung up. I had built myself up so much I just had that much further to fall. Keep what you have gained FL, if it's going to come back together, its time for her to do the work.

TOJAZ