Last ditch attempt to reach out to my Wife

[Angel1111]

The friend suggested I communicate to her that I may have said that but I no longer feelk like that and I am about to lose anything I may for the relationship. I would under no circumstances take her back now because the fling is over. I am not her backup. But if she really considered and left the fling on her own and came back to me then I might consider.

 

What do you all think?

 

I think your ex is still an idiot, and you don't owe her anything in terms of an explanation. If she comes back to you in 6 mos and says, "But you said you'd always be here!" Then you can just shrug and say, "Oh, yeah. Well, I've changed my mind since then. Bye-bye now. Have a nice life, pumpkin."

 

The truth is, if she is SO arrogant as to believe that you're going to sit around and wait for her, or to believe that you won't eventually meet someone new, then she truly is full of herself and this is a lesson that she needs to learn the hard way.

 

I think the real key here is that you don't seem to expect a woman to behave any better, or to think with any rationality. Change you expectations about what you want in a person and you'll never look twice at another mindless wonder like your ex again.

[HarmonyHope]

Chrome makes a real good point though - you don't know what the "friend's" agenda is. For all you know, she was sent by your W on scouting mission to see how long you're planning on sticking around. If she's your W's friend, her allegiance will be to her, not you. Keep that in mind.

[FeelingLonely98]

Chrome makes a real good point though - you don't know what the "friend's" agenda is. For all you know, she was sent by your W on scouting mission to see how long you're planning on sticking around. If she's your W's friend, her allegiance will be to her, not you. Keep that in mind.

 

Well, if that was her MO, then she now knows I will not be around for long. It could all be BS when she tells me not to tell the STBXW that she contacted me. It felt genuine to me, like she was just wondering what my state of mind is, not to tell the STBXW, but maybe to help her, IDK. I just talked to her, didn't probe or ask questions trying to figure out her agenda. Shoulda just hung up like Chrome said.

[Angel1111]

Well, if that was her MO, then she now knows I will not be around for long. It could all be BS when she tells me not to tell the STBXW that she contacted me. It felt genuine to me, like she was just wondering what my state of mind is, not to tell the STBXW, but maybe to help her, IDK. I just talked to her, didn't probe or ask questions trying to figure out her agenda. Shoulda just hung up like Chrome said.

 

I don't think there was any harm in talking to her. Chrome is a little down on women, in case you hadn't picked up on that. I wouldn't worry about the conversation if I were you. If she was on a mission, as you say, then your charming ex now knows that her days are numbered. But, honestly, she probably wouldn't believe it anyway. Unfortunately, she's convinced that she can get you back anytime she wants.

[hopesndreams]

I don't think there was any harm in talking to her. Chrome is a little down on women, in case you hadn't picked up on that. I wouldn't worry about the conversation if I were you. If she was on a mission, as you say, then your charming ex now knows that her days are numbered. But, honestly, she probably wouldn't believe it anyway. Unfortunately, she's convinced that she can get you back anytime she wants.

 

In no way, in Chromes posts, he is down on women. I have been reading his advice for almost a year and he is right! Yeah, right! This is coming from a woman! You will see that FL a few months further down the road.

[FeelingLonely98]

You will see that FL a few months further down the road.

 

OK - fill me in -What will I "see" in a few months?

[hopesndreams]

OK - fill me in -What will I "see" in a few months?

 

The truth.

[LisaUk]

H & D is right, things do become much clearer once you are over the intial shock. That can take months, but trust me when I say, you will look at all that is happeneing now differently. There's no point in those of us further along trying to tell you anything now, you won't listen or understand where it comes from, I didn't. But Chrome, Gunny and I will add Tojaz to that b/c he becoming very wise of late, they all are right and tell it 100% how it is. It's just when you are first left, you are deaf to it, we all were. Don't worry, it's all part of the process. I guess what I am trying to see, is you will start to feel better, although I backslide, generally I feel much better at 9 months in than I did at 3 months in and I see what he did for what it really was and who he really is, rather than through loving eyes. (For the most part anyway, LOL).

[FeelingLonely98]

The truth.

 

I am doing my damndest to look unbiased with open eyes and an open mind but I am still not sure what "truth" I will see.

 

That she was never worth it after what she did?

That she'll never change & be the loving happy W I knew for 16 years?

That she is far beyond damaged goods?

That I deseve better and I will be better off?

That WE can never be the same?

That she deserves all the misery and pain and hurt she will get?

ETC. ETC. ETC. ???

 

I sort of know these things but in my heart and soul I don't necessarily believe them to be the absolute truth!

 

PEACE!

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

Add to your list from your last post.

 

I made out like a bandit in the divorce settlement, why would I want to take her and her debt back

She has disrespected and humilated me

She is just a couple of years away from 50

She lies and can not be trusted

 

My friend she has given you a gift, freedom! Enjoy it! The world is full of beautiful woman, why do you want her?

 

Find someone new, like some one in their 30's, someone you can trust, someone you don't have to be constantly looking over your shoulder for.

Someone who can bring new dimensions to your life, things you have never tried before, like new foods, (Thai, Indian?), new activities (snow skiing, ballet, painting?)

 

In another thread you spoke of not being able to meet someone new. When you were standing in line all night waiting to purchase the HD TV, you talked to strangers, even made alliances with them, "hold my place while I go to the head"

 

Look how you have opened up to total strangers here on LS

 

The world is full of beautiful women, smile and just say Hi

 

Your friend Gallon

[Steadfast]

FL98

 

Add to your list from your last post.

 

I made out like a bandit in the divorce settlement, why would I want to take her and her debt back

She has disrespected and humilated me

She is just a couple of years away from 50

She lies and can not be trusted

 

My friend she has given you a gift, freedom! Enjoy it! The world is full of beautiful woman, why do you want her?

 

Find someone new, like some one in their 30's, someone you can trust, someone you don't have to be constantly looking over your shoulder for.

 

 

I agree with this, but don't go knocking women in their 40s! My girlfriend is 45 (four years older than my ex) and she's absolutely lovely in every way.

 

But don't put the cart before the horse FL; you're no where near ready to start dating. You'll go through one, two, or maybe more rebounds before finding someone who sticks. That's just how it is. But it's a fun adventure!

 

Learn to look at your STBXW as the person she is, not your wife. Insert her name when pondering this, not her relationship status. Soon, you'll be seeing the picture that'll help you make reasonable, well thought-out decisions. Think with your head, don't feel with your heart. You'll see.

 

Someone asked me many months after my wife and I split; would I date her if I didn't know her, but knew what she was like? The answer was no.

 

No cheaters, no liars and no needies. Be happy and settle for nothing less.

[FeelingLonely98]

Someone asked me many months after my wife and I split; would I date her if I didn't know her, but knew what she was like? The answer was no. No cheaters, no liars and no needies. Be happy and settle for nothing less.

 

Great points Gallon and Steadfast - Sobering as a matter of fact. Eye opening...

 

I probably wouldn't date someone like her. As a matter of fact when this 18 yr old BF thing falls by the wayside (I assume it will one day), I can't imagine a quality guy wanting to be with her. Why would they want something substantial with almost 50 yr old gal with not much to bring to the table other than a cute face and a bubbly personality? No job skills, little education, lots of debts, ...AND a cheater. I would think any potentail suitor would find out about her sordid past, right?

 

However, all that being said, I really think she has some mental problems (depression, self-esteem issues, ... / Also the MLC factors - Father dying, unemployment, money problems, ...)

Not an excuse for what she did but I don't think who she is today is the real _ _ _ _ _. <-- Her name instead of "STBXW".

 

TY

 

PEACE!

Edited December 2, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[FeelingLonely98]

Update - The STBXW was to move into the apt with her 18 yr old BF this week. My step-son (her son) was going to move out of my house and move in with her this week too. He doesn't want to but thinks it is best for her if he does. He thinks she is getting in to some dangerous territory. That the BF is bad news.

 

Anyway, he tells me last night that the move will not happen soon. So he will be with me on Christmas morning. Not a problem for me. In a way I was looking forward to him going because he is a reminder of her. Not sure if the "Delay" is monetary or something else, but I will continue moving on as I am. The step-son can stay with me and I will take care of him as long as need be.

[Angel1111]

Wow, I can't imagine spending xmas without my son. What is this woman thinking???

 

Well, good for you. I suspect that your stepson might be back to live with you because I don't think he'll be able to stand living with them - when or if that ever happens. You're probably the only form of security he has. I would do that same thing as you - if I had stepkids, they'd always have a home with me, too, if that's what they needed. You have a good attitude and a kind heart. I see it so often that good people end up with crappy people. I have no idea what that's about.

[FeelingLonely98]

I see it so often that good people end up with crappy people. I have no idea what that's about.

 

I will never say she is a "crappy person". I think she is in a crappy place right now that has caused tremendous hurt to many people. She may stay in this "place" forever, who knows, but she is not a crappy person.

 

BTW, Thanks for the kind words. He is my W's son (or my STBXW's son!!). And I love him. Why should he suffer any more than he is. He has cried about several things recently - against his normal character. He has opened up to me about things that he said he's never shared with Mom or Dad. He is suffering too.

 

PEACE!

Edited December 2, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[Angel1111]

I will never say she is a "crappy person".

 

From where I'm sitting, she looks pretty crappy. But you've known her longer than me. Hopefully someday she'll be able to crawl out of this deep hole that she's digging for herself.

[FeelingLonely98]

From where I'm sitting, she looks pretty crappy. But you've known her longer than me. Hopefully someday she'll be able to crawl out of this deep hole that she's digging for herself.

 

I knew her 16 years - and to judge her entire being based only on what she's done to me since 8/28/09, IMO, is unfair. It sucks BIG f*ck*ng time - lemme tell ya. I have NEVER felt pain like the pain she caused me. But I know her moral fiber underneath all of this is good and decent. For 16 years I've seen it. She is (was?) the sweetest person ever. Remember in some of my other posts - she had a MLC (Father dies, unemployment, ...) and she has never been well mentally (very low self-esteem, depression, ...). YES, she looks crappy. And it probably ended a good M.

But she is not a crappy person.

[Angel1111]

Then it's really sad that she's throwing so much away at this stage in her life. The other problem that I think is going on is that if she told someone that she thinks she should've never married you and never loved you as she should, then she may have been really unhappy all those years but hid it from you. If that's the case, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

 

Sometimes when people's parents die, they start living their lives differently. A friend of mine left her husband after 24 yrs when her parents died. She had been unhappy for a long time but there was something about her parent's death that caused her to take action. Maybe people start to think about how short life is and that they had better enjoy it while they can. My friend also said that a part of it was that she no longer had to think about what her parents expected of her; didn't feel like she had to live up to that anymore. Whatever the case, there seems to be a lot of underlying issues going on with your ex, and probably have been for a long time.

[FeelingLonely98]

Then it's really sad that she's throwing so much away at this stage in her life. The other problem that I think is going on is that if she told someone that she thinks she should've never married you and never loved you as she should, then she may have been really unhappy all those years but hid it from you. If that's the case, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

 

Sometimes when people's parents die, they start living their lives differently. A friend of mine left her husband after 24 yrs when her parents died. She had been unhappy for a long time but there was something about her parent's death that caused her to take action. Maybe people start to think about how short life is and that they had better enjoy it while they can. My friend also said that a part of it was that she no longer had to think about what her parents expected of her; didn't feel like she had to live up to that anymore. Whatever the case, there seems to be a lot of underlying issues going on with your ex, and probably have been for a long time.

 

Oh boy Angel - Her Father (RIP) would have been devastated by what she did, yes. But her Mom is 1000X worse. Dad dying probably didn't affect her decsion to flip out.

Her Mom is a real piece of work. Never supported my W. EVER! Actually the only thing she ever approved about her was me!! Didn't even attend her M to her 1st H because she didn't approve of him. My W said she cried the whole ceremony. But her Mom loved me. Now her Mom threatens to kill herself, calls my W a child molester, ... makes her life a living hell. OK, you can be against your daughter's actions but at some point your love for child has to come through, right? (Funny thing is the W is now living with Mom 'cause she's got nowhere else to go. Been there 2 & 1/2 mos. Coming home is not an option for her.) Her Mom thought I was the best thing that ever heppened to my W. (I see how THAT could also be a problem. MOM approves H, Well then, I'll show her, ...)

 

Believe me, I don't think there was anything I could have done over the years. I always tried to make her feel that she was the most special, beautiful, lovely woman in the world. She wasn't - but I truly believed she was. If I ever had a clue that ANY of this was affecting our M I would acted immediately. I had no idea.

 

All this being said - None of this gave her ANY right to commit adultery and lie to me and humiliate me. I get all of that. It's one of the reasons I have already filed for D and it should be final in less than a month.

[Angel1111]

Her mother is a monster and it's no wonder your ex is so completely screwed up.

 

I do think her father's death probably had an effect. It's most likely easier for her to disappoint her mother than her father. And he's not around anymore to disappoint. Your ex has a LOT of issues and I think she enjoys throwing the 18-yr-old bf in her mother's face.

[FeelingLonely98]

Her mother is a monster and it's no wonder your ex is so completely screwed up.

 

I do think her father's death probably had an effect. It's most likely easier for her to disappoint her mother than her father. And he's not around anymore to disappoint. Your ex has a LOT of issues and I think she enjoys throwing the 18-yr-old bf in her mother's face.

 

Yes, her Mother is horrible. But her Mother hates the 18 yr old bf and my STBXW still brings him around to her place all the time. So you are probably right to some extent Angel1111.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't think your wife flipped out or changed. You spent 16 years seeing the part of her that loved you. Now you are seeing the part of her that doesn't love you. The parts - even the mean, spiteful, hateful and 'alien to you' were always there, you just never had to endure seeing them. People don't change so much as parts of them become revealed under different circumstances, parts you never even knew were there to begin with. Love can blind you to the negatives, and they can cause someone to hide the negatives of themselves as well. But when love fades, you see the full person. People speak about their WS becoming 'alien' during the throes of an affair. There isn't anything alien about them. Only things that are alien to you, as the BS.

 

Love works both ways - when you know someone casually they are one person. When you fall in love with them, they are another. When they fall out of love with you, they are yet another. All the same, inside one person all along.

 

She isn't going to 'change back' now. There is nothing to change except the level of love she had for you and as long as this 18 year old boy is in the picture that level of love will not return.

 

I can tell you with some confidence that it is only a matter of time before this kid bails on her. An 18 year old is not going to be able to handle or tolerate what she wants with him emotionally. It just isn't going to happen. It might for a while, but only in so far as he is afraid to hurt her feelings by leaving. Eventually he will and she will be devastated. She will feel like an old fool, as this boy will leave and take her 'recaptured youth' away with him.

 

If there is no one else, she will accept defeat and come back to you because she will be terrified of being old and alone, not because she 'realized that she really loves you' (typical thing said by someone who wants 'back in' after the affair fizzles).

 

Will you accept her back with open arms?

[FeelingLonely98]

Now you are seeing the part of her that doesn't love you. The parts - even the mean, spiteful, hateful and 'alien to you' were always there,

 

WOW - If you are right, then that is scary. Every Damn spouse in the world may have this dark, mean, cold, side to them? I may have one inside of me? Everyone is a just a few chance encounters from this? Not disputing you - just philsophizing (sp?) out loud - well at least out loud on LS!!

 

She isn't going to 'change back' now. There is nothing to change except the level of love she had for you and as long as this 18 year old boy is in the picture that level of love will not return.

 

This I believe 100%. However, if she doesn't change REAL soon, I will no longer be here for her. AND, I do not want to be her friggin' backup. I can not see myself taking her back just because the A is over. I would have to know it is because she wants the M for the right reasons. Don't know how I would know this - I guess IF that ever happens (it won't) I will cross that bridge then.

 

it is only a matter of time before this kid bails on her. Eventually he will and she will be devastated. She will feel like an old fool

 

GOOD. She will not feel 1% of the devastation I felt though. But she should feel some pain. God knows she has caused dozens of people pain with this foolish pursuit for "happiness". All the while she gets to be giddily happy and "in love". Why should she get to be so happy throughout this. I wonder if she has felt any pain for even one minute since she walked out the door and finally told her AP she was "free"????

 

she will accept defeat and come back to you because she will be terrified of being old and alone, not because she 'realized that she really loves you' (typical thing said by someone who wants 'back in' after the affair fizzles). Will you accept her back with open arms?

 

Not under those circumstances. BUT, How would I know what circumstance brought her back to my front door?

I always wondered how a BS can know the true reason why a WS came home?

 

Maybe the right answer is "no, I will never take her back under ANY circumstances". (ChromeB would like that one!)

 

TY LB!

Edited December 3, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[Gypsy_Soul]

Hi FL98, I am just wondering, since you mentioned that she was married before, what happened with her previous marriage? I'm just curious to know if she has a history or a pattern of certain behavior.

 

You may have already mentioned it before, so I apologize if I'm bringing up something you already have.

[FeelingLonely98]

Hi FL98, I am just wondering, since you mentioned that she was married before, what happened with her previous marriage? I'm just curious to know if she has a history or a pattern of certain behavior.

 

You may have already mentioned it before, so I apologize if I'm bringing up something you already have.

 

No problem GG. She divorced her 1st husband because he was abusive. He beat her and was violent. Even did it in front of their son. (This is the step-son that now lives with me.)

Then she got the opposite, ME. Someone who treated her like she was his entire world. I would never lift a finger to hurt. (have never hurt any woman - goes against my moral fiber. Any man that ever hits a woman is scum IMO)

I think seriously I am the only man in the world who would never hurt her (physically or emotionally). With all her baggage and being a cheater, would a decent guy even want her? A potential partner HAS to find out if there is a history of cheating ... I mean she couldn't hide that in the future could she?

 

Maybe she wants someone in between? LOL