I lost all hope in second chance relationships!

[maxmuscle]

I have given up hope, faith, and confidence towards a wishful second chance with my ex.. I've been with for 3 years.

 

I've followed the advice given on these boards and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. I am not gaining any ground to get her back.

 

I am facing the fact that she DOES NOT love me. She never did. It was only lust. I don't think she ever cherished any special moments we had. Nothing in our realtionship was special to her. She ended the relationship just like that. I can bet she is seeing somone just like that. I meant nothing to her.

 

I did the "No Contact rule". I did the "Act happy when she contact you rule" "I did the keep it short and simply when she reply rule" This crap is not working!

 

She sounds happy more than ever when she contacts me. She is happy because she thinks I am happy. The rules that I have applied towards getting her back is not working. I give up! I lost her forever! All my friends are in happy relationships. Everybody is happy. I feel so unlucky!

 

I have no faith in love! I go left, love goes right. I go right, love goes left. I have lost my ex forever. Its finished! Its over!

[UCFKevin]

I'm the only single person I know in my group of friends, and that CAN be a very depressing thought, but I try not to dwell on it.

 

I recently became single. You can either deal with it and move on, or you can let it run your life and ruin your life. You can become a bitter, lonely hermit or you can just say, "Well, that sucks. Oh well. Life goes on." Easier said than done sometimes, but EVERYONE deals with this in their life. Everyone. It's how you deal with it that differentiates you from the others.

 

Life and love don't always work out the way you think they will. The future is anything but predicatable.

[Tony T]

You haven't lost anything at all. You can never lose something you don't have...or perhaps never had. If you will change your attitude and your thinking, what you can create is a space for the right person to come into your life. And when that happens, use your head and your heart. Pay attention. Never remain with someone who doesn't make you feel very special. That's a waste of time but people do it because they just can't stand to be alone. They'd rather be with a rattlesnake than all alone. Just plain BS. When you see signals a person is not right for you, don't spend a lot of energy trying to make them right. It just won't happen. (Pay attention to those signals...don't ignore them!!!)

 

Don't waste anymore energy upset over this ex. Stop communicating with her entirely. No more contact at all. There is simply no reason for it and it's not a good use of your energy. Move on to better times and better people. The hurt you feel is not for the loss of the wrong person, it's for your failure at making her the right person...and that was never going to happen.

[maxmuscle]

Tony-I have no faith in love. I don't want it! All my friends are on their way to marriage. All of them. How is that possible? Everybody that I am associated with found their soulmates. Just my luck, I had to meet someone who never loved me. Who wasted three years out of my life. What is worth fighting for?

 

Kevin-I don't think its a woman for me on this planet, not in this universe. When it rains it pours. I lost my job, apt, my brand new BMW, the love of my life all in one year.

[moimeme]

All my friends are on their way to marriage. All of them. How is that possible?

 

It is a coincidence. Nothing more. This is not Fate picking on you personally, That's just how life turned out.

 

Just my luck, I had to meet someone who never loved me.

 

She may well have loved you - or thought she did. Then she later realized that maybe she did not. It is a VERY common mistake that people make and just shows, again, how fallible we are.

 

What is worth fighting for?

 

THE FUTURE!!!! Your future is ahead of you. The woman best suited to you is still out there for you to meet. I am willing to bet that if you spoke to 10,000 people who got dumped, ten years later 99.9% of them would tell you they were relieved it happened because somebody MUCH better came along. To think that your past was your only hope is a huge fallacy. Your future is still ahead of you. So it takes longer than it did your friends to find your perfect match. So what? It means there is somebody even more special that you have yet to meet is all.

 

When it rains it pours. I lost my job, apt, my brand new BMW, the love of my life all in one year.

 

You could be headed for depression, if you're not already there. Get checked out by a doctor. Maybe get a referral to a counsellor. Remember, Trump went bankrupt more than once. When some things end, they clear the path for you to go ahead to better things. Go grab that opportunity and welcome your future - you are starting over with a clean slate and there is nowhere to go but up!!!

[UCFKevin]

Exactly.

 

I've had the world raining crap down on me before and it's incredibly tough to deal with, but you know what? You gotta deal with it. Write out a list, deal with each thing one by one, cross them off when you're done, and when your list is completely finished, you'll feel a huge feeling of accomplishment.

 

Your BMW? Bummer. But it's a car. Big deal. Life goes on. It's an inconvenience. Not a life altering experience.

[maxmuscle]

moimeme,

 

I don't think that I am in the stage for professional help. I am still living a normal life. I am doing my daily activities. I just gave up hope on love. The other things that I've lost are replacable.

[moimeme]

Fair enough, Max. Some of your statements were sounding awful bleak. Just keep an eye out that this doesn't push you into despair.

[maxmuscle]

Moimeme,

 

I woke up this morning feeling sad and confused. I still love her. I tried many ways to turn the table, but to no avail. She emailed me a couple of times saying that she misses me, loves me, and misses us being a family with her little daughter which I accepted as my own. Then, she can go weeks at a time without contacting me. She just emailed me on Friday to see how I was doing and telling me that she will be in syracuse for the weekend.

[moimeme]

I read your original post. Whatever her problem is, she is messing you up by foisting it on you. I didn't review all the posts, but I suspect people have already told you to cut her off. By doing so, you will force her to look at what she really wants. Nonetheless, I suggest you take a good several hours and make a truthful list of her good and bad qualities and the good and bad things about the relationship. Then ask yourself what is there that you couldn't possibly find again. I'm guessing there is nothing in that category.

 

Next tell her that you want no further contact AT ALL unless she calls to say she absolutely wants you back forever. Then go about looking for somebody else.

[Kanuk]

I'll pass on soem advice that someone gave me. When my ex broke up with me, i tried everythign to get her back. people told me to do nothing, buti felt it was worth figthing for to the last breath, so i tried what I could think of. I didn't bother her all the time, about a month of no contact, then a couple of attempts over the next month, totals up to about 5 times.

 

The person i was talking to said to me,

 

"Look everything you're trying isn't working. So do the exact opposite of what you're doing now."

 

Follow it if you want. You tred no contact, not telling her how you feel. Maybe it was the right choice, maybe you can't do anything to change her mind. Maybe you're right. But if this is something that you believe is worht fighting for, then maybe letting your pride het in the way is a mistake. You can always try making the first move back to reconciiation.

 

Or it's possible that it will just take more time of no contact. It's a catch 22.

 

I'm not giving any advice, just passing on what was told to me.

[maxmuscle]

Moimeme" unless she calls to say she absolutely wants you back forever." I doubt that will ever happen. I don't know what is her problem, I loved her. I accepted her daughter as If she was mine. I was the only one at her hospital bed each and every time. I was just there for her!

 

 

Kanuk-I have came to the conclusion is to listen to your own heart. My ex just do not love me anymore. All that I've mentioned above to Moimeme means nothing. She never loved beacuse if she did, she would contact me more. How can anybody love you and hold out from contacting you?

[maxmuscle]

Is it possible my ex found her way to this forum and reading my post? Maybe she is taking a proactive approach to my replies and if so, I am screwed. Not only will she know how I feel, but what about the potantial damage she can do to my emotions by playing mind games. She would have all the amunition that is possible.

 

She know me as maxmuslce. I am so dumb!

[moimeme]

She never loved beacuse if she did, she would contact me more.

 

Says who? There is no hard and fast rule. This also assumes that people don't mistakenly think infatuation or some other attraction is love and believe that. I already said this: I think she THOUGHT she loved you.

 

 

" unless she calls to say she absolutely wants you back forever." I doubt that will ever happen.

 

Then CUT HER OFF FOREVER.

 

I don't know what is her problem,

 

It doesn't matter. You may never know and that doesn't matter either.

 

I accepted her daughter as If she was mine. I was the only one at her hospital bed each and every time. I was just there for her!

 

So? You could throw yourself in front of a truck for her - gratitude is not love, and that people do nice things for people does not guarantee that the person will love them. You seem to think that there is a formula for love:

 

do nice things plus love somebody = getting love back

 

This is not the case, as you already see. Just because you think you would love you if you were her does not mean she does or will.

 

She has issues. Or something. She calls you but doesn't want you. So CUT HER OFF. You have handed all the power over you to her - is this how you want to live? You have given your entire self, mood, etc. over to her to manage for you. Take it back and don't let her do this any more.

[maxmuscle]

Moimeme,

 

I don't think there is a formula for love. I just think that the things people do for you makes the relationship more special. How many times have you look back on someone that did something really special for you. You appreciate their kindness, thoughtfulness, their caring and loving, right?

 

I look back on the positive that my ex did, and it makes me love her more. So how can she not see it in a similiar way?

[moimeme]

I look back on the positive that my ex did, and it makes me love her more. So how can she not see it in a similiar way?

 

Because she is not you. Because you are different people with different brains and you think differently.

 

So many people make the mistake of thinking that everybody thinks exactly the way they do. Nothing can be further from the truth. Some people look at Steven Tyler and think 'yum'. Others do not. Some people love to be accountants. Others hate numbers.

 

You have to understand that you are the only person who thinks exactly the way you do. People will rarely draw the same conclusions as you from the same information. So just because you think that way means absolutely nothing because you are not her and she is not you.

[maxmuscle]

Will she ever look back on some of the positive things I have done? Even for a quick second?

[moimeme]

Oh sure. She'll remember you fondly, but that's NOT the same as it making her love you forever or want to be with you. Think of all the friends you ever had who did nice things for you. You are fond of them, but you aren't in love with all of them. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with all of them. You are just fond of them.

[maxmuscle]

So why does she email me saying I'm special, she misses me, love me, and miss being a family?

[mandarincool]

Hey that's good stuff from Tony... anyway, yeah, it sucks not being able to control how things go. i just got dumped on my ass by someone i was really falling for, but we couldn't get it right for a variety of reasons (his and my limitations, timing, etc.) most of all, my self esteem is bruised. i wanted a fairy tale ending, god damn it, and he dumped me when i was trying to force/groom him into my prince charming. all the guilt and whining in the world sometimes doesn't sway the other person, and we have to learn to deal with it! most times they're hurting too. it's not like they have all the power and are sitting satisfied with having had to end a relationship. presumably, in most cases, both people had hopes for things working out. but things don't always go according to our hopes.

 

of course you should pull back and follow those rules about giving her time and space. either to allow her to recall what was good in the relationship and to come back to you, or to get over eachother and move on! full stop. you can't make it work if it's not working. c'est la vie! all those happy married friends have had and will have their share of heartbreak, too. welcome.

 

Originally posted by Tony

You haven't lost anything at all. You can never lose something you don't have...or perhaps never had. If you will change your attitude and your thinking, what you can create is a space for the right person to come into your life. And when that happens, use your head and your heart. Pay attention. Never remain with someone who doesn't make you feel very special. That's a waste of time but people do it because they just can't stand to be alone. They'd rather be with a rattlesnake than all alone. Just plain BS. When you see signals a person is not right for you, don't spend a lot of energy trying to make them right. It just won't happen. (Pay attention to those signals...don't ignore them!!!)

 

Don't waste anymore energy upset over this ex. Stop communicating with her entirely. No more contact at all. There is simply no reason for it and it's not a good use of your energy. Move on to better times and better people. The hurt you feel is not for the loss of the wrong person, it's for your failure at making her the right person...and that was never going to happen.