Post Breakup Stages

[DenverBachelor]

I've read enough posts, books and have had enough life experience to put together what I believe are the stages that occur after a breakup. I will attempt to look at it from the perspective of a Dumpee and Dumper. I will also assume that you were in a long-term relationship (1+ years) and that there was no abuse, cheating, etc., that took place. In other words, the relationship just got stale and the dumper said something along the lines of, "feelings lost, something missing, need space, etc."

 

DUMPEE STAGES:

 

It is important to first note that as the dumpee, you did not make the choice to end the relationship. This will be a mixed blessing since it will hurt in the beginning and then bring you much comfort as time goes on.

 

1) Shock / Denial

 

This stage can last for a few days to a week or more. This is time period where most people do the stupidest things like cry, beg, emotional blackmail, etc. This is the stage where you believe you can influence your ex's decision through logic by explaining that the relationship has progressed to the toughest moment and that giving up is not the right thing to do. Unfortunately, your partner began divesting in the relationship well before this moment. They have mulled over this decision and now believe this is the absolute and correct decision to make. Many times, they may have someone waiting in the wings (GIGS, rebound, etc.) Nothing you could say or do will influence them since they will put up their coldest face you have seen yet because this is a self-defence mechanism they employ to protect themselves from guilt, depression, etc. The best thing to do is to bow out gracefully after you get this out of your system because nothing will work. In their eyes, you hold no more influence over them and your opinions are at the bottom of their list.

 

2) Depression, Anxiety and Bereavement Stage

 

After a few days or a few weeks, you'll enter a stage of great mourning and sorrow. Your identity is completely lost as you are now single again. This stage usually will stretch out for weeks to several months, but each week does get easier. During this time, you should be in NC and focusing on reflection, healing and self-improvement. This is probably the hardest stage since the denial has faded and you are constantly left with thoughts of, "My god, this is really happening to me."

 

3) Recovery and Acceptance Stage

 

After a few months, you will begin to accept your new identity and begin looking forward to spending time with yourself and occasionally going out to date or mingle. Thoughts of your ex will still be on your mind quite a bit, but the pain that accompanies those thoughts will ironically begin to turn into strength as you realize that you didn't contribute everything to the breakup. You'll realize you aren't a bad person because you were rejected. Flaws in your ex will become more apparent. You may even take on a "gentle animosity" towards the ex as you realize the mistakes they made and their decision to abandon fighting for the "long haul." Your desire to have your ex come back into your life will fade to a point where either you'd accept them back with conditions and time or you have determined they weren't right for you in the long run.

 

 

DUMPERS

 

1) Relief and Happiness

 

The dumper was probably mauling over this decision for awhile and they did love you and cared greatly for you. This was very hard for them and the decision to eventually act at some point weighted on them greatly. They have been dreading the moment, but once the moment has passed, they will feel a great sense of relief as if ten tons have been removed from their shoulders. If they have had prospects in the stratosphere, this is there chance to renew themselves and date fresh and explore new and exciting times. They'll probably be too occupied to really give you much thought except for the occasional text to see if you're ok. This is sent from guilt and not for any type of reconciliation. This stage will last for weeks to up to a few months.

 

2) Distress and Discomfort

 

As time passes, the dumper will compare her new fling to you in many ways. As the honeymoon stage of the relationship fades (The Romance Stage of the 5 stages of a relationship), they will start to question their decision and begin to miss you. If you are in NC like you should be, their thoughts of you will increase. They will begin to have doubts about what they have done after realizing, "Same ****, different day" with their current relationship. They may reach out, but they're still in a new relationship and enjoying their new life -- reaching out is no longer from guilt but from wanting to keep you around in case something fails miserably in their relationship.

 

3) Fond Memories and Acceptance

 

As months go by, dumpers tend to look more and more on the positives of the past relationship. Their thoughts will increase somewhat and they'll generally have a very positive attitude towards you. This is the stage where a reconciliation may be possible if both parties are in the right place. Unfortunately, by the time they reach this stage, the dumpee is in his last stage and he or she is already questioning why they spent so much time and energy moping about the dumper. The dumper in this stage may, according to his or her current relationship status, reach out and make an attempt to open communication and begin the process of exploration with the dumpee.

 

 

So that's what I've observed. I could be wrong but it seems about right. I've had over half of my ex's reach out (usually after months and months have gone by) but unfortunately we were in different places and reconciliation was never really possible. I have reconciled with two ex's but it was in stage 2 and that never really works out in the long-term. Too soon, too fresh.

[USMCHokie]

I generally agree with your assessment here...but for the dumper, it doesn't necessarily follow that course...and your three stages for the dumper may inadvertantly stir up hope in dumpees on LS...that their dumpers will one day come back to them...but as we all know, this is often not the case...they may find greener pastures elsewhere and never think about the dumpee again...so in the dumper's case, there may be an A/B fork in the road...

 

But I agree completely with the dumpee stages...I find myself around stage 2.6...

 

Good post.

[selena_cat]

Good post Denver,

 

This is a crazy question,remember the post "Alternative option to NC" you replied and gave good advice,when the dumper in one of these 'curious' guilt stages want to contact the dumpee,you wrote A. be mysterious,you cant do it while youre always around" can you elaborate on that? Does LC also count as being always around?

i couldve asked you that quest on that particular post however since you write this new one thought i'd take a chance.

Also liked what you wrote on the final stages on how the Dumpee can't figure out why did they spend so much time moping about the dumper,thats so true and I too tend to be guilty of that. Thanx!

Edited November 30, 2009 by selena_cat

[DenverBachelor]

Good post Denver,

 

This is a crazy question,remember the post "Alternative option to NC" you replied and gave good advice,when the dumper in one of these 'curious' guilt stages want to contact the dumpee,you wrote A. be mysterious,you cant do it while youre always around" can you elaborate on that? Does LC also count as being always around?

i couldve asked you that quest on that particular post however since you write this new one thought i'd take a chance.

Also liked what you wrote on the final stages on how the Dumpee can't figure out why did they spend so much time moping about the dumper,thats so true and I too tend to be guilty of that. Thanx!

 

From my own experiences, I have generally always gone into NC in the first week or two after a breakup. Most of my relationships have been relatively healthy save for some personal issues that caused tension within the relationships (i.e. going through personal struggles while also trying to maintain and deepen the relationship).

 

What I have found is that by going NC, most of my long-term ex's have come back around -- usually in the 3 to 6 month range. By come around, I mean increase contact substantially. One of the side-effects of NC (which should be for personal healing and growth) is that you become a huge mystery in the eyes of the dumper. As time goes on and if they left for GIGS, rebounds, etc., they eventually realize just how enriching their relationship with you was (assuming you didn't beat them, etc.)

 

A lot of people get anxiety while in NC because they feel the ex will just forget them. Although this can happen, I've noticed in MY life that it only causes them to think more about you and question their decision.

 

The best part of being dumped is that you don't carry that "what-if" regret your entire life. You remain mysterious and every time they hit trouble in future relationships, if your relationship was fulfilling with them, they'll remember you with fond memories.

 

It doesn't mean they'll want to reconcile or get back into a relationship with you, but I think a lot of people here can breathe a little easier knowing that just because they don't contact you, it doesn't mean they're not thinking of you -- and in some cases, quite a bit.

[Beeotch]

I've read enough posts, books and have had enough life experience to put together what I believe are the stages that occur after a breakup. I will attempt to look at it from the perspective of a Dumpee and Dumper. I will also assume that you were in a long-term relationship (1+ years) and that there was no abuse, cheating, etc., that took place. In other words, the relationship just got stale and the dumper said something along the lines of, "feelings lost, something missing, need space, etc."

 

DUMPEE STAGES:

 

It is important to first note that as the dumpee, you did not make the choice to end the relationship. This will be a mixed blessing since it will hurt in the beginning and then bring you much comfort as time goes on.

 

1) Shock / Denial

 

This stage can last for a few days to a week or more. This is time period where most people do the stupidest things like cry, beg, emotional blackmail, etc. This is the stage where you believe you can influence your ex's decision through logic by explaining that the relationship has progressed to the toughest moment and that giving up is not the right thing to do. Unfortunately, your partner began divesting in the relationship well before this moment. They have mulled over this decision and now believe this is the absolute and correct decision to make. Many times, they may have someone waiting in the wings (GIGS, rebound, etc.) Nothing you could say or do will influence them since they will put up their coldest face you have seen yet because this is a self-defence mechanism they employ to protect themselves from guilt, depression, etc. The best thing to do is to bow out gracefully after you get this out of your system because nothing will work. In their eyes, you hold no more influence over them and your opinions are at the bottom of their list.

 

2) Depression, Anxiety and Bereavement Stage

 

After a few days or a few weeks, you'll enter a stage of great mourning and sorrow. Your identity is completely lost as you are now single again. This stage usually will stretch out for weeks to several months, but each week does get easier. During this time, you should be in NC and focusing on reflection, healing and self-improvement. This is probably the hardest stage since the denial has faded and you are constantly left with thoughts of, "My god, this is really happening to me."

 

3) Recovery and Acceptance Stage

 

After a few months, you will begin to accept your new identity and begin looking forward to spending time with yourself and occasionally going out to date or mingle. Thoughts of your ex will still be on your mind quite a bit, but the pain that accompanies those thoughts will ironically begin to turn into strength as you realize that you didn't contribute everything to the breakup. You'll realize you aren't a bad person because you were rejected. Flaws in your ex will become more apparent. You may even take on a "gentle animosity" towards the ex as you realize the mistakes they made and their decision to abandon fighting for the "long haul." Your desire to have your ex come back into your life will fade to a point where either you'd accept them back with conditions and time or you have determined they weren't right for you in the long run.

 

 

DUMPERS

 

1) Relief and Happiness

 

The dumper was probably mauling over this decision for awhile and they did love you and cared greatly for you. This was very hard for them and the decision to eventually act at some point weighted on them greatly. They have been dreading the moment, but once the moment has passed, they will feel a great sense of relief as if ten tons have been removed from their shoulders. If they have had prospects in the stratosphere, this is there chance to renew themselves and date fresh and explore new and exciting times. They'll probably be too occupied to really give you much thought except for the occasional text to see if you're ok. This is sent from guilt and not for any type of reconciliation. This stage will last for weeks to up to a few months.

 

2) Distress and Discomfort

 

As time passes, the dumper will compare her new fling to you in many ways. As the honeymoon stage of the relationship fades (The Romance Stage of the 5 stages of a relationship), they will start to question their decision and begin to miss you. If you are in NC like you should be, their thoughts of you will increase. They will begin to have doubts about what they have done after realizing, "Same ****, different day" with their current relationship. They may reach out, but they're still in a new relationship and enjoying their new life -- reaching out is no longer from guilt but from wanting to keep you around in case something fails miserably in their relationship.

 

3) Fond Memories and Acceptance

 

As months go by, dumpers tend to look more and more on the positives of the past relationship. Their thoughts will increase somewhat and they'll generally have a very positive attitude towards you. This is the stage where a reconciliation may be possible if both parties are in the right place. Unfortunately, by the time they reach this stage, the dumpee is in his last stage and he or she is already questioning why they spent so much time and energy moping about the dumper. The dumper in this stage may, according to his or her current relationship status, reach out and make an attempt to open communication and begin the process of exploration with the dumpee.

 

 

So that's what I've observed. I could be wrong but it seems about right. I've had over half of my ex's reach out (usually after months and months have gone by) but unfortunately we were in different places and reconciliation was never really possible. I have reconciled with two ex's but it was in stage 2 and that never really works out in the long-term. Too soon, too fresh.

 

Minus a few changes...this perfectly describes my relationship with my ex.