Inlaws are ruining marriage...

[MrGlider]

It's a long story, but the short version is I fell in love with a lady, married her 3 years ago, moved her to California, sold home this year, moved back to Texas, stayed at inlaws for 5 months, paid rent for 1 year in advance, they kick us out, and we have been fighting over her parents for 3.5 months.

 

We we moved back to Texas, they said I could use the 3rd bedroom as my office. I spent $1700 on high speed internet connections and worked in there 8 to 12 hours a day. Her mother didn't like that, got stressed and they told us to move.

 

Bottom line is, I have always privided for my wife, bought her a new Jeep GC, bought land to build a home, and her parents have abused me, lied, used me as their punching bag for 5 months. They are always the agressors and I the defender.

 

IN any case, the story is so long, it is amazing... I have a 3 page list of things her parents lied to us about and my wife hates it. This is the crux of our fights. I finally told her to leave and go home a month ago.

 

Now, she is still mad, won't discuss things, won't support me ever...

 

Is there any hope? I love her from the tip of my toes to the top of my soul... it hurts...

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

You married your wife, not her parents. Her parents have no clear obligation to like you or to otherwise be loyal to you in any way, although that would be quite nice. You can't be angry at your wife for what her parents do. Feel sorry for her for having to have had them raise her. Most likely they suffer from some unpreventable brain chemistry imbalance or they are possessed by the devil.

 

In any case, it is wrong for you to plan your life around your wife's parents. Screw them. Go get your wife and live like a married couple should. Even the Christian bible says the partners in a marriage should leave their parents and cleave unto their spouses...or something like that. Do whatever you have to do to remove her parents from the equation. Now, if your wife is tied to them in some way and you knew that before you got married, then shame on you.

 

Your wife probably isn't mad at you, just embarassed as hell over the conduct of her dear parents. The have had to embarrass the hell out of her all her life. They are just too weird, they don't keep their word, they are certifiably nuts. It's scary that your wife carries their genes. YUK!

 

If all else fails, get some counselling. Your wife has some humdinger parents I wouldn't wish on Saddam Hussein. She probably needs a lot of therapy to rid herself of the ill effects she inherited from her upbrining by these sleezebags...with due respect, of course.

[Guest]

I wonder what her parents version would be. You actually keep a list!

 

Excuse me, but you do marry the parents too. I love my husband and he comes first to me, but not at the expense of my parents feelings. While there might not be a written contract or obligation to/from the parents, they count in the relationship. Family is important, whether you embrace them or not.

 

 

We we moved back to Texas, they said I could use the 3rd bedroom as my office. I spent $1700 on high speed internet connections and worked in there 8 to 12 hours a day. Her mother didn't like that, got stressed and they told us to move.

I don' t know what you spent your money on, but we had one room in our house wired for broadband, and wired for other office equipment - including a cooling system, and the cost to the house was about $100. Everything else that we bought to run the systems are things that we could take with us when we move. If you paid $1700 on highspeed internet connections to the house you were robbed.

 

Her parents are always going to be her parents. Whether they like you or not its not going to change the fact that they love their daughter and she loves them. Learn to co-exist and throw the list away.

 

I'm curious that you said you moved in with them and paid a years rent and spent all this money on the internet connections, then talk about how you bought her property, etc. Why didn't you just rent a place? You could have rented a business suite in a nice hotel for a while, or even short term apartment lease and some of the apartments now have broadbank access or you could even go highspeed wireless, use existing cable, or even a sat. dish.

[cindy0039]

I have to agree with "guest." You haven't given us enough information to form an opinion or get a clear picture of this situation. It appears that your wife has reason to be upset with you for something. Perhaps it is that you are expecting her to choose between her parents and you, and that is a very awkward position to be put in. While I can see why you might be upset with your in-laws, maybe you should not have gone to live with them to begin with. That seems to be where the trouble started. Maybe they thought you were taking advantage of them. Who knows.

 

Unlike Tony, I do NOT advocate giving your wife an ultimatum or that you "go get your wife" (makes you sound kind of like a cave man), or "screw them" or "do whatever you have to do to remove her parents from the equation." I think that would be very detrimental to your relationship with your wife. Family is very important and to try to cut them out of your wife's life would be a mistake and would likely end in divorce.

 

Maybe some counseling to get the lines of communication open between you and your wife would help. You need to understand her and where she's coming from, and vice versa. I think once you have your house in order and are living your lives independently of the in-laws there will be room for opening the lines of communication there and having a normal relationship with them. Don't expect your wife to turn her back on her family. That's my advice.

 

Good luck.

[MrGlider]

Thanks for the replies. We lived out in the boonies, so to get a FULL T-1 line out there was very expensive. We were 20 miles from the telephone company CO and the satellite I tried didn't work. ISDN was to slow, bit I used it as a backup. The install was 1450.00 and the fine for the disconnect before 1 year was up was 1250.00, plus the rent we paid for a year in advance was another 4000.00.

 

We moved there because we were going to by land nereby and build a home. They said we could stay there 1 year and that I could use the other room as my office for a year. I searched for another place and couldn't find anything in this tiny town. We bought the land, I spent 4 weeks with a chain saw and hired a skiploader to help clear it.

 

Then I went on a consulting job to CA and while there 2 weeks, received an email from my wife saying they wanted us to move out. When I came back, we both decided to stay out of their way while we found an apartment. We found one, and the next day her parents dumped on me, told me what a bad person I was and how they hated me and the computer work I did. I asked them to wait for my wife to get up out of bed and they still dumped on me not wanting to wait. They have been cornering me for months to tell me how they hate me while my wife is never present. I BEGGED her for help, I BEGGED her to talk to them and she wouldn't or couldn't.

 

My wife's reaction to them is say nothing and go close hereself in the room and cry. She will not confront them at all.

 

Finally, on our anniversary, I asked my wife why she had been so quiet lately and she called me an arrogant a**h***. I thought about it for two weeks, told her how I felt about her parents and told her to move out for a while back with them while I got my head straightened out. I'm okay now, but she is avoiding me. I still see her in church every sunday and sit next to her, but last sunday she didn't bother to put on her wedding ring for the first time in years. THAT is scary...

 

Sigh, I'm not sure what to do...

 

Thanks again...

[MrGlider]

BTW, I wrote a diary of events and such and the "LIST" was created in the last week or so. It isn't something I normally do. ALso, while she was in CA, I flew her home regularly to visit her folks and family. I wouldn't have moved into there spare room (my wifes old room) and setup my office if I had know how small minded and mean they were. To quote her mother "I treated you like my husband!" and other such things. She was always hovering over me while I tried to work, constantly bugging me. She lied to her husband about something I said too and was caught in that.

 

In any case, I told my wife I was tired of being their punching bag and tired of being abused... it was later in the week she called me the name...

 

Seems hopeless right now...

 

[Thatsgottahurt]

I've had lots of in-law issues. I agree with the comments that were made in the other posts UP UNTIL the extent that family members become a detrimental aspect of your marriage. After talking to people, consulting books, counselors, the consensus was that if your marriage is important to you, it is always important to present one unified front, much of your problem (aside from the obvious in-law antics) is the sense of divide between you and your wife when talking to her parents. If they sense this, this makes their aggression towards you deepen, and make you both seemincompitable. Without your wife's support, you are the outsider in their eyes, and she affirms this. It sucks not to be supported by your mate especially when you feel helpless to vindictive behaviour. In the end, maybe distance is the best thing. If you have to draw that line for your own sanity do it, make sure you communicate to her about being on the same page. If she wants the relationship with her parents then she can- by herself- until they decide to be civil to you (probably unlikely?) But in her visits she needs to understand that her actions need to support the both of you. For every rude comment is made or passive aggressive action, she needs to make sure they no where she stands. She doesn't need to be rude about it, just supportive of you. UNLESS they have trouble with your computer work because she has come crying to them about the extent that you are gone/ or are working. Then in which case, it's like they (the parents) are serving as the best friends that can't believes her thoughtless husband would take a job that is so time consuming, etc. She married you, not her parents. I think you need to have one of those big blow out discussions where everything is aired, and some conclusions are made so that you both get on the same page. Otherwise, i think the rift in communication will just get wider.

 

Or I could be totally of base, so like anything anyone else says, take it with a grain of salt, and do what works if what your doing isn't.

 

Good luck in any case.

 

Becca

[MrGlider]

Okay folks, after a going to counselling for 2 months, my wife finally moved back in after making written commitments to follow the rules. She did not follow the rules and 4 months later she moved out again and said she doesn't love me anymore; I guess because I didn't want to go to a family get-together that her parents were hosting. But she said she hadn't loved me for three years... so I feel like the big sucker.

 

Her parents cost me $10,372 directly and have made no jestures at paying me back any portion nor do they admit doing any wrong.

 

Lord help me, for my wifes sake, I forgave them the debt and pray they repent and the LORD spares them.

 

Sigh, I loved this woman more deeply than my soul can explain and she can not let her parents go. She loves her parents more than me and never really committed to the marriage. I gave at least 1000 times more love and affection and support than she ever gave me. I guess she is jsut going to hide in the corner and hope it all goes away.

 

In any case, my advice is do not get married to anyone that cannot leave their parents. They contributed greatly towards ruining our marriage. Inlaws can do that when they are mean and hateful and when the son/daughter inlaw doesn't conform to their expectations. Worse than that, when their ideals and judgements spawn the same reactions from your spouse, the situation becomes hopeless.

 

God bless all and good luck. I have to start my life over now... what a heart-breaking pain...