Deanster Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Hi all - As I read through other's posts here, I see that many/most seem to have had one defining incident that helped them to draw the line and say "I'm done"... But either we haven't had one so dramatic as to cross my line, or I'm just a glutton for punishment, and won't ever decide based on an incident, or even a pattern. So, I'm looking for input/suggestions/rules of Thumb on "you know it's time for a divorce when..." Not really looking for improvement suggestions, though I'm sure y'all will offer some... and humorous responses are good too. for reference: been with my wife 18 years this month, and married 15 of those. My story is the same as 1000 others here - OK, but never great marriage, low sex drive in my wife, kids I love more than anything, etc. Our situation is mostly tolerable, but never great, and rarely good. Lots of fighting, not talking, emotional distance, etc. I've been reading all the many suggestions here about improvements, MC, etc., and have been working on many of those items. I think about getting a divorce all the time, and on a couple occasions have come very close to saying so - but that's likely to set of nuclear warfare in our house - not something to say unless I'm truly prepared to follow through, and the idea of not being with my kids every day scares the hell out of me. So, You know it's time for a divorce when... Link to post Share on other sites
delirious Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 So, You know it's time for a divorce when... You don't love each other any more..... and you have not mentioned love. Link to post Share on other sites
TinyLee222 Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Hi all - As I read through other's posts here, I see that many/most seem to have had one defining incident that helped them to draw the line and say "I'm done"... But either we haven't had one so dramatic as to cross my line, or I'm just a glutton for punishment, and won't ever decide based on an incident, or even a pattern. So, I'm looking for input/suggestions/rules of Thumb on "you know it's time for a divorce when..." Not really looking for improvement suggestions, though I'm sure y'all will offer some... and humorous responses are good too. for reference: been with my wife 18 years this month, and married 15 of those. My story is the same as 1000 others here - OK, but never great marriage, low sex drive in my wife, kids I love more than anything, etc. Our situation is mostly tolerable, but never great, and rarely good. Lots of fighting, not talking, emotional distance, etc. I've been reading all the many suggestions here about improvements, MC, etc., and have been working on many of those items. I think about getting a divorce all the time, and on a couple occasions have come very close to saying so - but that's likely to set of nuclear warfare in our house - not something to say unless I'm truly prepared to follow through, and the idea of not being with my kids every day scares the hell out of me. So, You know it's time for a divorce when... Baring any emotional or physical abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, I think it's time for a divorce if after you both have tried everything as a couple, including MC and IC to put things back together and it just aint happening. Also, if one partner is trying and the other is not committed to the marriage it's over. For me I became apathetic and didn't even want to fight anymore. I dreaded the weekends when we would have to be together and avoided doing anything that would have to put us together at a family or social event. It's a tough decision to break and the grass isn't always greener but to live in a marriage that is dead sucks the life out of you slowly. Move on and live your life... Lee Link to post Share on other sites
lboogie1118 Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 when you sooo tired of being unhappy and the mere thought of being alone, without her and the kids, brings some joy and ease to your heart. I left when I knew I couldnt take it anymore and knew my life would be so much happier without him. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 when you sooo tired of being unhappy and the mere thought of being alone, without her and the kids, brings some joy and ease to your heart. Yeah, if you want to be seen as a Jon Gossling douchebag! You know it's time for divorce when you no longer have the integrity to honor your commitments. Absent affairs, addiction, or abuse, why would you consider divorce? Do you have grass-is-greener syndrome? Do you know that the grass is greener where you water it? Are you watering your grass? Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 You don't love each other any more..... and you have not mentioned love. "To get a divorce just because you don't love someone, is almost as silly as getting married just because you do." - Cha Cha Gabor I know, Cha Cha is not the best person to take marriage advise from. However, I think she maybe be correct that "love" is not always the best indicator. Maybe you have enough to save your marriage, it will take a lot of effort from both of you and communication will definitely involved. But to address your question, you know it's time for divorce when infidelity is involved. My humble opinion, of course your mileage may vary... Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) "To get a divorce just because you don't love someone, is almost as silly as getting married just because you do." - Cha Cha Gabor I agree with the above statement. I think love is overated - or maybe just misunderstood. I wish something that simple would've been the issue in my marriages. For me, it's over when I am pushed too far - either with verbal abuse, disrespect, control, or anger/fighting. I personally cannot stand a disruptive life so fighting and anger are high on my list of things that will cause me to run for the hills. Trying to control me will cause a person to lose every time. As you say, I think it's all about a person's tolerance level, combined with the pay-off level. In other words, the pain may be intense, but being with your kids every day is the pay-off. But be careful about that because if you and your wife fight a lot, make no mistake that this is having a HORRIBLE effect on your kids. I have seen this in two marriages that I can think of right away. Their kids are a mess - overweight, they get into abusive or destructive relationships, etc. One thing I will say for myself is that I watch my son and, even though he's a child of divorce, I can see that he is more together than most adults I know, not to mention most teens. But I have a different edge than you - I'm the mom and I had him most of the time. However, his dad had long weekends with him - from Thurs evenings until Monday mornings. Still, I know that if his dad and I had stayed together, he would've turned into a screwed up teen. So even though you might think you're doing the kids a favor, it's something you'll need to think about. I knew my son would experience his dad's control, but I was able to provide him with a home where he learned what it was like to live in peace and harmony and to be accepted. You could remarry and show your children what a good marriage looks like. Would I have left my marriage if it meant not seeing my son as much? That is really hard to say. I do know thta I would not have left him in the clutches of his controlling dad. I think I would've stayed just to protect my son. Edited November 30, 2009 by Angel1111 Link to post Share on other sites
SimplyBeingLoved Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Isn't everything essentially done for love? If not love for spouse, then love for kids? Love for lifestyle... love of something.... Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 Isn't everything essentially done for love? If not love for spouse, then love for kids? Love for lifestyle... love of something.... If not love, then fear. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 two people are ready for divorce where there is no room left to grow Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 Being fair means a conversation that goes something like this. I am not happy. If you are willing to go to MC with me and are COMMITTED to trying to make our marriage much happier for both of us, I would like to try. And then let her answer or if she wants a day or two to think about it - let her have the time. And if she comes back with any response other then an enthusiastic commitment - then tell her you want a divorce and then do it. But I do believe it is not fair to tolerate a lot of mediocre stuff for a long time and then end it without giving the other person a chance to improve. Many of your issues may be solvable via more effort on both your parts. Don't you think it is at least worth a shot? And if you think she will go nuclear - so what. You have nothing to lose. Asking this question can't be more inflammatory then serving divorce papers. Hi all - As I read through other's posts here, I see that many/most seem to have had one defining incident that helped them to draw the line and say "I'm done"... But either we haven't had one so dramatic as to cross my line, or I'm just a glutton for punishment, and won't ever decide based on an incident, or even a pattern. So, I'm looking for input/suggestions/rules of Thumb on "you know it's time for a divorce when..." Not really looking for improvement suggestions, though I'm sure y'all will offer some... and humorous responses are good too. for reference: been with my wife 18 years this month, and married 15 of those. My story is the same as 1000 others here - OK, but never great marriage, low sex drive in my wife, kids I love more than anything, etc. Our situation is mostly tolerable, but never great, and rarely good. Lots of fighting, not talking, emotional distance, etc. I've been reading all the many suggestions here about improvements, MC, etc., and have been working on many of those items. I think about getting a divorce all the time, and on a couple occasions have come very close to saying so - but that's likely to set of nuclear warfare in our house - not something to say unless I'm truly prepared to follow through, and the idea of not being with my kids every day scares the hell out of me. So, You know it's time for a divorce when... Link to post Share on other sites
New_Life08 Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 when the only sex your getting is when one says "screw you!" and the other says "No! Screw YOU!":eek: Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 'Honey, you're not equipped' For us, it was insurmountable incompatibilities. Once you identify them and talk about them, it just becomes clear. We were like-minded in this regard. I had more fear so stayed longer than I should have. Link to post Share on other sites
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