non-traditional?

[kampfy chair]

I'm new here and I'm wondering if there are any other engaged or married people in this forum who consider themselves feminists and made non-traditional choices regarding their engagements/weddings? I don't believe in a lot of the pageantry surrounding marriage--the proposal, the last name changing, etc. because I find a lot of it very patriarchal. As a result I find myself constantly getting stunned looks from friends and family members when I try to explain my reasoning behind my choices. The biggest thing so far has been the lack of a proposal and the fact that my fiance and I picked my ring out together and split the cost of it. I usually get a blank expression and stunned silence in response, not from my close friends and family but from extended family and so on. I'm also almost 100% sure that my decision to keep my last name will cause some major tension on his side of the family. Not that I regret my choices, but it is very irritating to feel like I constantly have to justify or explain our decisions. Do any of you have tips for deflecting this kind of astonishment/confusion/negativity? I'm mostly just looking for tips and commiseration

[Stung]

Well, I made a lot of non-traditional choices regarding my recent wedding, but I'm afraid I didn't catch too much grief for most of them as my friends and family are overall pretty liberal and modern types. We had our baby first, we shopped for the ring together, we chose NOT to get a diamond because we both hate the diamond industry, we had an outdoor civil ceremony, we walked down the aisle together hand in hand with our kids (my dad was a little disappointed by this at first but then I asked him to be our photographer which thrilled him), we included our kids by name in the ceremony and I gave my stepdaughter a bracelet, I kept my last name, etc.

 

I did run into some interference that had nothing to do with feminism or traditionalism and everything to do with people being controlling...in my case it went against stereotype and was not the moms but rather my dad and my best friend. All I can advise is to stick to your guns on the big things, and give a little on the small things, in order to try to keep your in-laws from flipping their collective wigs....you're gonna need some goodwill from them throughout the years of your marriage. Try to keep your cool and explain that you want your wedding to be personalized and meaningful to you rather than rote tradition, and you would appreciate their understanding, but without telling them where to stick it if you can help it.

 

For the name thing, I don't know. I have never understood why some people feel free to put hard negative pressure on a woman for simply valuing her own last name, that's a little crazy to me and I'm glad it's an uncommon approach in my area...many women still change their names here but nobody thinks that's the way it's gotta be, written in stone. I took my husband's last name as a 2nd middle name to demonstrate becoming his family, but left my last name intact, as it is my heritage and identity. Now I have four names. My husband did the same with my name. I don't think most of our friends and family even know about our nontraditional name changes though as both of us still have the same first and last names we've always had, not many have looked into it that deeply. If his extended family starts leaning on you too much perhaps you should simply calmly remind them that it is a private matter between husband and wife, and that you are happy together and that is really all they need to concern themselves with.

 

Just wait until you have kids and they start sniffing around to find out what you're going to name them!

[kampfy chair]

Well, I made a lot of non-traditional choices regarding my recent wedding, but I'm afraid I didn't catch too much grief for most of them as my friends and family are overall pretty liberal and modern types. We had our baby first, we shopped for the ring together, we chose NOT to get a diamond because we both hate the diamond industry, we had an outdoor civil ceremony, we walked down the aisle together hand in hand with our kids (my dad was a little disappointed by this at first but then I asked him to be our photographer which thrilled him), we included our kids by name in the ceremony and I gave my stepdaughter a bracelet, I kept my last name, etc.

 

I did run into some interference that had nothing to do with feminism or traditionalism and everything to do with people being controlling...in my case it went against stereotype and was not the moms but rather my dad and my best friend. All I can advise is to stick to your guns on the big things, and give a little on the small things, in order to try to keep your in-laws from flipping their collective wigs....you're gonna need some goodwill from them throughout the years of your marriage. Try to keep your cool and explain that you want your wedding to be personalized and meaningful to you rather than rote tradition, and you would appreciate their understanding, but without telling them where to stick it if you can help it.

 

For the name thing, I don't know. I have never understood why some people feel free to put hard negative pressure on a woman for simply valuing her own last name, that's a little crazy to me and I'm glad it's an uncommon approach in my area...many women still change their names here but nobody thinks that's the way it's gotta be, written in stone. I took my husband's last name as a 2nd middle name to demonstrate becoming his family, but left my last name intact, as it is my heritage and identity. Now I have four names. My husband did the same with my name. I don't think most of our friends and family even know about our nontraditional name changes though as both of us still have the same first and last names we've always had, not many have looked into it that deeply. If his extended family starts leaning on you too much perhaps you should simply calmly remind them that it is a private matter between husband and wife, and that you are happy together and that is really all they need to concern themselves with.

 

Just wait until you have kids and they start sniffing around to find out what you're going to name them!

 

Thanks Stung, that all sounds like good advice! And congrats on your recent wedding! Most of my close friends are "liberal modern types" as well, it's mostly my fiance's side of the family (who we aren't as close to) that seem to think we're both nuts I'm definitely willing to let the little things go though, I mean I don't walk around trying to shove my choices in their faces just to make a statement. I've also already made one compromise over the wedding for my family. I didn't want to have my Dad walk me down the aisle either, but when I found out how important it was to my parents I gave in. But I obviously wouldn't budge over the bigger things, like keeping my last name.

 

I think what you and your husband with the names is a really cute idea! That would be something for us to consider. The fiance and I have also thought about each changing our names to a new name that somehow combines both of our original names. But I think that might just get way too confusing! As for the future kids, unless we both change our last names, we'll probably go with his (no particular reason, other than we both prefer it aesthetically to mine) and give them a middle name that has been passed through my family.

 

We're spending Christmas with his family this year and it will be the first time we've seen them since the engagement, so I'm sure the subject of the last name is going to come up. They already see me as not being the "family girl" stay-at-home-mom type that they think my fiance should marry so I'm sure this will just confirm their worst suspicions Oh well, we'll see how it goes!

[D-Lish]

Just don't react to negative reactions- you really have no one to answer to but yourself and your fiance. Present as a united front when you talk about your plans so it's not you taking the brunt of the decisions.

 

I didn't take my ex husbands last name, nor did I get married in a church- we went with a justice of the peace. It caused some problems because my ex's family was Catholic and my ex and I are both Atheists. I also had my brother stand on my side and his sister's stand on his side.

 

The wedding is about the two of you, and while making some concessions might be a part of the process in order to appease the inlaws... I suggest not making sacrifices regarding the things that are truly important to you.

 

I withdrew some of the antiquated rituals from my ceremony as well.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm new here and I'm wondering if there are any other engaged or married people in this forum who consider themselves feminists and made non-traditional choices regarding their engagements/weddings? I don't believe in a lot of the pageantry surrounding marriage--the proposal, the last name changing, etc. because I find a lot of it very patriarchal. As a result I find myself constantly getting stunned looks from friends and family members when I try to explain my reasoning behind my choices. The biggest thing so far has been the lack of a proposal and the fact that my fiance and I picked my ring out together and split the cost of it. I usually get a blank expression and stunned silence in response, not from my close friends and family but from extended family and so on. I'm also almost 100% sure that my decision to keep my last name will cause some major tension on his side of the family. Not that I regret my choices, but it is very irritating to feel like I constantly have to justify or explain our decisions. Do any of you have tips for deflecting this kind of astonishment/confusion/negativity? I'm mostly just looking for tips and commiseration

A true feminist wouldn't even consider the notion of marriage (let alone engagement) for a split second.....

 

So in fact, you're kind of playing at being a feminist... you want to flaunt tradition because you don't agree with the overtones of misogyny and patriarchy...but you still have a ring (which signified ownership)...Simply because your partner didn't propose, doesn't mean you're not succumbing to ritual.

So I think actually, you're a little bit torn, still, and unsure about whether you really are an independent feminist, or just conforming but with defiant exception.....

 

If I read it right......

[kampfy chair]

A true feminist wouldn't even consider the notion of marriage (let alone engagement) for a split second.....

 

So in fact, you're kind of playing at being a feminist... you want to flaunt tradition because you don't agree with the overtones of misogyny and patriarchy...but you still have a ring (which signified ownership)...Simply because your partner didn't propose, doesn't mean you're not succumbing to ritual.

So I think actually, you're a little bit torn, still, and unsure about whether you really are an independent feminist, or just conforming but with defiant exception.....

 

If I read it right......

 

Why exactly do you feel a true feminist wouldn't ever get married? Feminism is simply the belief that men and women should have equal rights. I don't see how marriage would violate this belief. I suppose I can see your argument about keeping some traditions but casting off others. But I also don't think that most people see marriage as a form of ownership in the 21st century, nor do I feel that my ring signifies this. It's just a way of announcing to the world that I am committed to someone. I suppose you could argue that it's sexist that my fiance doesn't wear one too, but that was actually our original plan, only we couldn't afford to purchase two rings at the time and he's not a big jewelry person to begin with, so we decided to skip it.

 

I have much stronger feelings about the name change because it suggests a change in identity, and it clearly favors the man over the woman. This I strongly object to. I also object to the idea that it is the man who should propose, pay for the ring, etc. But I don't object to the institution of marriage as a whole, as long as both parties interests are protected to the same degree and the relationship is an equal partnership. I don't see how this violates the values of feminism.