How do my best friend and i avoid the strong sexual tension between us?

[morethanjustfriends]

Hi everyone - This may be a tad bit too long but please bear with me.

 

I am in my early twenties and extremely good friends with a guy 2 years younger to me. We are both postgraduate students and are class mates. Now the problem is that for a yr we've been as close as any two friends can possibly be- we know each other inside out - initially i thght he was showing and interest in me but i shrugged it off thinking its my imagination knwoing we cannot go lon term due to differnces in our backgrounds- (one thing i should say is that during the last 1.5 yrs of knowing each other we have been single - he's dating no one and neither am i). During the course of the year i did feel he was intersted in this other girl at uni but she already had a boyfriend so nothing worked out over there.

 

However, for the past couple of months wat has been happening is that i feel that he has been trying to feel me up at certain occasions - sometime his hand will graze my arm, sometimes he will just hold my hand in a movie, sometimes he'll pretend to be asleep when we're chilling at home watching a movie and rub his hand up n down my arm. Initially iw as shocked but then i dont know maybe i am in denial but i would be lying if i said that i didnt like it. However, we both dont talk about it since we know we dont have a long term future so no point in even talking abt it.

 

However, 3-4 times things have gotten too far and we have ended up making out in a half drunken state ( he knows and i know that we were both in our sense but we just pretend that we weren't in order to avoid the situation). Yesterday the same thing happened and we finally confronted each othe rabout it. We both dont want it to happen again but we know that everytime we sit next to each other something just happens and we cant keep our hands of each other. So we've decided to forget this ever happened and now will try to avoid it.He says its very hard on him - as much as it is on us - but wat else can we do since we have noo future longterm.

 

Now tell me one thing - Given there is such a strong physical/sexual tension between us can we really pull this off - i am NOT ready to let go of this friendship and neither is he yet there is no denying that we cannot keep our hands of each other its literally reached that point. We have even tried avoiding each other but that just makes the situation worse with an even greater sexual tension between us.

 

What do i do?

[Melocoton]

Do what you want to do.

 

You are obviously not "just friends".

 

You have high chemistry and attraction to one another.

 

Regarding the possibility of a long term relationship... you shouldn't say, "it will never work out blah blah". One never knows.

 

So stop wasting eachothers time playing this, we are friends game, **** or get off the pot.

[WTRanger]

Just get in a full drunken state and hump the be-Jesus out of each other. What do you have to lose? There is no "friendship" here. It is just two people scared to commit but safe in each others company. You are safe in your nice little "just friends" rut, yet the two of you deny hell out of any feelings. Why? For God's sakes! It's rare to find people like this!

 

Melocoton, your quote of "Sh*t or get off the pot" is brilliant and fits this situation perfectly. Well said!

 

Plus after the two of you finally have sex, there will be no sexual tension. The fact that you are fighting it so much, is only adding to the tension.

[ADF]

You say you're in your early 20s. Here's a tip: men--especially yonger men--almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. You shouldn't be so shocked at your friend's behavior.

 

That said, I am not sure what the problem is. If you both feel the same way, why not try bring together? Don't assume it can never work out of you've never tried.

[Ody]

knwoing we cannot go lon term due to differnces in our backgrounds

 

Until you clarify this you will get the same advice over and over again here.

 

You might still get the same advice after that, depending on what this is.

[Yukikazi]

Screw him or leave him.

 

Make it a FWB if you are so sure its not gonna be long term.. but unless you either stop being friends.. or get your rocks off.. eventually one of you is gonna pop and you may have to call the friendship over regardless.

[morethanjustfriends]

HI all,

thanx for all ur responses. Ok the differences in our backgrounds aren't monetary - financially and social status wise our families are at par with one another. The only problem is that his father is a highly influential political figure in india and mine is also a very influential politcial figure in pakistan - and hence i say that nothing can happen between us longterm as it would be a recipe for utter disaster . If he was from any other country or i was from any other country we wouldn't even have thought twice . I know he likes me and he know si like him but its not gonna work out - as in is there any solution that you ppl can think of in this situation because i can't.

 

As for going ahead and actually sleeping with him - well the thing is that even making out is pushing our bounderies to the max - traditionally from the kind of set up that we do belong to we just dont sleep with anyone until we are married to the eprson - thats his family set up as is mine- so this messes up things even further. We tried avoiding each other and not hanging out with each other for close to 3 months and it was compltely usleless. we are class mates we have projects togther we see each other every day so that startegy doesnt work - and in the process we end up making each other miserable because at the end of the day he is my closest friend. So 'doing it' with him is clearly not an option.

 

I see no way out - what do i do ????????

[billy356]

Well without understanding the true cultural and political barriers you face the only thing you can do is end the friendship. You two are obviously attracted to each other, you share an emotional connection as well. Other than the parents it sounds like a perfect match.

 

The friendship cannot be maintained while you are in close contact without continued pain and emotional suffering.

 

The romantic in me says you should do Romeo and Juliet and go ahead with the romance irregardless of the parents. Live your life not those of you parents. That may not fit with your culture but love is love, no matter where it is.

 

But if that is too much then yes, you must end the friendship for a while and perhaps revisit it after some time has passed. Not what you want to hear I am sure but it is the only option that i personally see.

[morethanjustfriends]

Its very easy to say that i should stop being friends with him - at this point in time he's literally the whole existance of my being - and me for him. We cant get through a day without talking to each other - and its really not fair that because of our parents we cant be together - even though it is unimaginable for an indian and pakistani getting together we could have worked round that by relocating to a differnt country if only our parents were ok with it . Going for him would mean me going against my family - maybe never seing them again, similarly he would be going through the whole thing. I probably will never love someone the way that i love him and neither would he but then how we can make it work is beyond us . He's everything i want for in a husband, im everything he wants for in his wife - the kind of emotional connection we have apart from teh physical chemistry is one ive never felt before and i dont know if i ever will- but our family is the only reason we feel we cannot go ahead with it.

 

Is there no way that i can salvage this friendship - because we both want to. Before falling in love iwth one another we were best friend friends first and if nothing else we would like to hang on to that .

[Yukikazi]

So your options are

 

Stop seeing each other

Get it on regardless of your families move to a different country and live happily ever after

Go to him and forget your family

He comes to you and forgets his family

 

Unfortunately you are pretty screwed.. this is a no win scenario

[morethanjustfriends]

see maybe even one of us would have been willing to make the sacrifice - but then even if the family that we go to does except us the problem is that we would not get permenant resident visas despite being married to each other - india pakistan visa situations are just screwed up.

 

That is why i was wondering is there any way in which we can just go back to being friends?

[Boundary Problem]

That is why i was wondering is there any way in which we can just go back to being friends?

 

 

If you live on opposite sides of the country? yes.

[Enema]

If you two get married - you may just heal the India / Pakistan tension.

 

You might say it's your duty to sleep with him.

 

Do it for world peace - don't you care about peace?

[boogieboy]

BTW you were never friends, you always liked each other. You were alwys psuedo lovers. So you cant go back to what you never were.

 

The only way to be around each other is if you find away to kill your attraction to him. But even if you do that, he will get hurt. Just make sure you dont have the same classes next semester.

[morethanjustfriends]

Thanx for the replies - The general drift that i am getting from your posts is that given that we are so strongly attracted toe ach other it just isnt possible to remain 'best' friends with each other - unless we are not in contact with each other everyday. I would have switched around my courses a bit but the problem is that we are studying in UK where you're stuck with the same courses the whole year round - so till july he IS going to be with me in every class.

 

Futhermore, we cannot get rid of the sexual tension by sleeping with each other because in other for that to happen we need to be marrie dto each other first - thats just the way that it is inn our part of the world.

 

Since i last posted i did a lot of soul searching and have come to realise 2 things - We've definitley been more than just friends at some subconscious level - given our complicated set up we just never felt like acknowledging the fact. Now that we've just got 7 months left with each other i dont know where we go from here . I had 'the talk' with him about this that we need to deal with this thing else things are just going to get from bad to worse. Now the only option that we can see is that we both end up staying back in UK and get married. However that would mean our families not talking to us for a really really long time - probably never......

 

Do u think we're crazy to even be considering this option. He proposed to me last night and he's saying he's willing to make this work if im willing to put everything on the line for him - he's already landed up with a job in a very high flying investment bank so atleats some things are in order.i've told him i just need a day or 2 to think about it since its such a big step.

 

Am i being to rash about it?????? What if we dont work out long term and because of this i estrange my relationship with my family as well??? But i have NEVER felt this way for anyone in my life ( he says the same) and he understands me on a completely different level. and more than the physical attraction it's the emotional connection that we share which we cannot dream of letting go.

 

I need some encouragemnet people- plz tell me that its cold feet that i'm getting- because i dont want to go on and regret my decision later on in life.

[tigressA]

This is what I have to say in regards to the family issue, and I've said the exact same thing before in another thread: you can't choose your family, but you can choose whether or not to let them influence major life decisions that, at the end of the day, you alone will have to live with.

 

You and this guy are both adults. Do you really want to be led around for the rest of your life by your family? Or do you want to follow your own heart and mind? I say go for it. If your family has a problem with it, then it's their issue, not yours.

[Denamarie]

Thanx for the replies - The general drift that i am getting from your posts is that given that we are so strongly attracted toe ach other it just isnt possible to remain 'best' friends with each other - unless we are not in contact with each other everyday. I would have switched around my courses a bit but the problem is that we are studying in UK where you're stuck with the same courses the whole year round - so till july he IS going to be with me in every class.

 

Futhermore, we cannot get rid of the sexual tension by sleeping with each other because in other for that to happen we need to be marrie dto each other first - thats just the way that it is inn our part of the world.

 

Since i last posted i did a lot of soul searching and have come to realise 2 things - We've definitley been more than just friends at some subconscious level - given our complicated set up we just never felt like acknowledging the fact. Now that we've just got 7 months left with each other i dont know where we go from here . I had 'the talk' with him about this that we need to deal with this thing else things are just going to get from bad to worse. Now the only option that we can see is that we both end up staying back in UK and get married. However that would mean our families not talking to us for a really really long time - probably never......

 

Do u think we're crazy to even be considering this option. He proposed to me last night and he's saying he's willing to make this work if im willing to put everything on the line for him - he's already landed up with a job in a very high flying investment bank so atleats some things are in order.i've told him i just need a day or 2 to think about it since its such a big step.

 

Am i being to rash about it?????? What if we dont work out long term and because of this i estrange my relationship with my family as well??? But i have NEVER felt this way for anyone in my life ( he says the same) and he understands me on a completely different level. and more than the physical attraction it's the emotional connection that we share which we cannot dream of letting go.

 

I need some encouragemnet people- plz tell me that its cold feet that i'm getting- because i dont want to go on and regret my decision later on in life.

 

I think you should go for it, if this is what you really want. Sometimes chances are worth taking. In either situation someone will get hurt and eventually your family will talk to you. It would also be very brave and you would be giving hope and inspiring others who may be going through the same situation

[morethanjustfriends]

Ok ppl - i might have just gone and made the biggest decision of my life - Yesterday my friend proposed again and i said yes and we got married yesterday - we havent told our parents as yet but that can wait because nothing has felt as right as this - we're both going home ofr the christmas hols so thats when we are gonna break the news to our parents. Thank u everyone for the advice , i just hope ive made the right decison but then again i've never felt as happy and as at ease as right now . i shall keep u posted

[Yukikazi]

Congratulations.. Good luck

[tigressA]

Ok ppl - i might have just gone and made the biggest decision of my life - Yesterday my friend proposed again and i said yes and we got married yesterday - we havent told our parents as yet but that can wait because nothing has felt as right as this - we're both going home ofr the christmas hols so thats when we are gonna break the news to our parents. Thank u everyone for the advice , i just hope ive made the right decison but then again i've never felt as happy and as at ease as right now . i shall keep u posted

 

Focus on those bolded parts. That's what's most important--that you and he are happy in your life together. Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS!! :love:

[Miko]

WOW, this is amazing! Congratulations to you!!!