Do men really want marriage?

[PinkToes]

Yes it seems many women consider marriage a "goal" too be reached. If for no other reason, marriage expresses the ultimate commitment to them, even if they have persuaded their mate to marry them. I don't understand it when I hear women say things like: "I want to be married by the time I'm 25" or "once we've been together for 3 years I better have a ring on this finger!" Putting timelines on marriage is bizarre since we can't control the natural dynamics of our intimate relationships.

 

And the really sad thing is that the marriage they're so eager to get into doesn't even benefit them as much as it does men, in nearly every comparable area that's been studied over the years. And yet men, many of whom are such outspoken opponents of the institution, do quite well, and say they're a lot happier than either single men or married women.

[Holding-On]

Hmmm....

I'm not a man, so I asked my husband why he wanted to get married:

 

1. For procreation

2. For stability

3. To have a "normal" relationship

4. Because he loved me and though I'd be good for him.

 

I can say that he has said in the past that he did not want to marry other women because they wanted to get married so they could be supported and taken care of by him.

[Holding-On]

And the really sad thing is that the marriage they're so eager to get into doesn't even benefit them as much as it does men, in nearly every comparable area that's been studied over the years. And yet men, many of whom are such outspoken opponents of the institution, do quite well, and say they're a lot happier than either single men or married women.

 

I sometimes wonder if this is precisely because a lot of men go into it expecting the worst and so many women go into it hoping for a fairytale.

[purgatori]

This one does, but he is not the norm. What would make me want to get married? Finding the right girl, and if I didn't think that a girl might be "marriage material", as they say, I wouldn't date her in the first place.

[PinkToes]

I sometimes wonder if this is precisely because a lot of men go into it expecting the worst and so many women go into it hoping for a fairytale.

 

That's brilliant. Lower expectations = greater satisfaction. Higher expectations = less satisfaction.

 

Yet another reminder that overblown expectations are just a really bad idea.

[muse08]

Interesting perspectives on the institution of marriage.

 

But does anyone really want marriage or do they just want the companionship?

[Monster]

Here's why: A boyfriend with a mistress has no street cred; a husband with a mistress does.

 

Monster

[New Again]

Yes it seems many women consider marriage a "goal" too be reached. If for no other reason, marriage expresses the ultimate commitment to them, even if they have persuaded their mate to marry them. I don't understand it when I hear women say things like: "I want to be married by the time I'm 25" or "once we've been together for 3 years I better have a ring on this finger!" Putting timelines on marriage is bizarre since we can't control the natural dynamics of our intimate relationships.

 

No, I think it makes a lot of sense for women of a certain age to put time limits on deadend relationships (ie, a 20 or 30 something walking if she's been with the same guy for 4 years and he doesn't know yet if he wants to marry her).

 

Assuming she wants to have children, what else is she supposed to do? She can't be wasting her time the way men can.

[Sam Spade]

Here's why: A boyfriend with a mistress has no street cred; a husband with a mistress does.

 

Monster

 

F*ck yeah!

In all seriousness, there are hardly any big shots in any field, that are not married.

(The mistress is optional, however, and not recommended. It is to be done with class or not at all or else you end up a laughingstock M. Sanford style)

[ComeUndone]

Interesting perspectives on the institution of marriage.

 

But does anyone really want marriage or do they just want the companionship?

 

I myself definitely want the companionship, that bond that I share only with him and he, only with me. As for marriage --- not so sure. With the right person I think yes, but I don't know that I am there yet.

[ComeUndone]

No, I think it makes a lot of sense for women of a certain age to put time limits on deadend relationships (ie, a 20 or 30 something walking if she's been with the same guy for 4 years and he doesn't know yet if he wants to marry her).

 

Assuming she wants to have children, what else is she supposed to do? She can't be wasting her time the way men can.

 

On a dead-end relationship this makes some sense yes, but then it's more about whether her man steps up to the plate or not.

 

I'm speaking of those women that have an end goal of marriage by the time they reach "X" years of age, otherwise they feel like a failure on some level. There are women out there that have this goal who aren't even in a relationship! That's just weird to me.

[luvflower]

I myself definitely want the companionship, that bond that I share only with him and he, only with me. As for marriage --- not so sure. With the right person I think yes, but I don't know that I am there yet.

 

Yeah. I definitely want the companionship and the feeling of him safety that sometimes only a man can make us feel. I also "think" I want marriage, but don't wanna become another divorce statistic. I've seen so much of that.

 

So I guess that means I;m also not ready yet if I'm worried so much about divorce...

[thegreatmoose]

I added #4 because of your input, thank you. That is why I would get married, too.... because I find meaning in it.

 

I'm curious to know if you find meaning in marriage inside or outside of church affiliation/religious beliefs?? After I let go of religion, I had to find new meaning to marriage, which is why I ask. So I'm curious to know if you find meaning in marriage because you are a religious guy.

 

I consider myself spiritual, I guess. I think non-spiritual people would have a much harder time "finding meaning" to marriage.

I'm not very religious. I didn't realize I implied otherwise. I'm probably more spiritual, possibly similar to you in that regard. It is mainly outside of religious beliefs for me. I suppose if I marry someone of the same religion and there's a religious ceremony, there would be meaning inside the religion too.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I will lob something else into this thread. Anyone who doesn't fully embrace the institution of marriage, should never get married. Leave marriage to those who believe in it. If this happened, there would be a lot fewer divorces.

I totally agree with this.

I wonder this as well. Are men's reasons for marriage always about practicality or is it ever emotional as it is for many women?

I believe for some, it definitely is. For my XH, it was - despite the fact that he clearly didn't understand how to be a husband. For the guy I'm dating, it is.

as long as they don't vomit on my suits it'll be lots of fun !

Ha. Good luck with that. They don't care if you're wearing Dolce or Dockers.

Not to mention any names, but some guys got married because they were drunk enough to propose, and the gal was drunk enough to accept. And it happened so long ago they don't even remember what it was like to be single.

That's soooo romantic. LOL

The institution??? I think not.

Yes, it did. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200505/marriage-history Explain to me where marrying one's male relative has anything to do with religion. Also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage#European_marriages

For most of European history, marriage was more or less a business agreement between two families who arranged the marriages of their children.

Like with the Greeks, Roman marriage and divorce required no specific government or religious approval.

From the early Christian era (30 to 325 CE), marriage was thought of as primarily a private matter, with no religious or other ceremony being required.

And more good info: http://www2.hu-berlin.de/sexology/ATLAS_EN/html/history_of_marriage_in_western.html

I actually have a harder time understanding why women want to get married. I mean as a goal, apart from the man. I have women friends who seem to have been born looking for a husband. That's pretty sad, IMO.

 

Yes it seems many women consider marriage a "goal" too be reached. If for no other reason, marriage expresses the ultimate commitment to them, even if they have persuaded their mate to marry them. I don't understand it when I hear women say things like: "I want to be married by the time I'm 25" or "once we've been together for 3 years I better have a ring on this finger!" Putting timelines on marriage is bizarre since we can't control the natural dynamics of our intimate relationships.

I think this is really sad. And not a good reason to get married, at all.

Interesting perspectives on the institution of marriage.

 

But does anyone really want marriage or do they just want the companionship?

It's a valid point. But I think some believe you can't find the same level of companionship without the tie that binds.

 

To tie back to what TBF said earlier - some on here are bitter from broken relationships and that's why the cynicism about marriage. You can put me in that category. I do believe in it, I just have a harder time putting my faith in people, I guess. It's too easy to find "greener grass" and we're in a microwave society where it's easier to just replace what's broken than actually try to fix it. I will never consider marrying again unless I find a man that feels you fight for what you believe in - not just move along when things get tough.

[Ms. Joolie]

Yes, it did. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200505/marriage-history Explain to me where marrying one's male relative has anything to do with religion. Also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage#European_marriages And more good info: http://www2.hu-berlin.de/sexology/ATLAS_EN/html/history_of_marriage_in_western.html

 

Thanks for the links. My point is that marriage is not an institution, it became one, it became sanctioned by church and/or state. In the ancient world, it was just a private matter.

 

So I am turned off my the pairing of "marriage" with "institution" on this thread, and in general. It would be good if marriage were only a private agreement, although due to legal purposes, that can never happen.

[luvflower]

It's a valid point. But I think some believe you can't find the same level of companionship without the tie that binds.

 

To tie back to what TBF said earlier - some on here are bitter from broken relationships and that's why the cynicism about marriage. You can put me in that category. I do believe in it, I just have a harder time putting my faith in people, I guess. It's too easy to find "greener grass" and we're in a microwave society where it's easier to just replace what's broken than actually try to fix it. I will never consider marrying again unless I find a man that feels you fight for what you believe in - not just move along when things get tough.

 

Though I've never been married, I can relate to what you're saying. I'm the product of divorce(since i was 4yrs old) and although I am very glad that I didn't have to grow up with MY father, it would have been nice if my mother had married a more sane man. Their relationship has affected me negatively, but I'm working to get past that so that I might have more healthy and stable relationships. Marriage is good and great, but as another memeber ANGEL1111 has mentioned several times, we women really have to be careful who we allow into our lives. I'm sure people agree and know this, it's just more of a challenge to put it into practice.

 

I feel marriage is important to some degree and I do want a committed relationship. I just don't want a marriage that fails or end up raising kids alone like my mother. Til this day she has not remarried or dated anyone significant and that saddens me b/c for one, I have not observed the healthy way to have a relationship. There are little details that people miss when their parents are single or have very unhealthy relationships.

 

The sad truth is that everyone will not get married...

[threebyfate]

The sad truth is that everyone will not get married...

But it's not sad that everyone won't get married. Marriage isn't something that should or needs to happen for everyone. It's something that two individuals both want, whereby they're willing to stand before everyone they hold dear and everything they consider a higher authority, and vow to spend the rest of their lives together.

 

It should never be a "must" like a step towards maturation, by coercion, in desperation due to either fear of loss or just plain desperation, to have children, financial gain or personal insecurities.

 

Also, people who feel that marriage is a sacrifice (I hate that word, since it's complete and utter b/s when used for pretty much everything to do with human altruism ) of any aspect of their lives, should not get married, particularly those who have to fight themselves to remain monogamous. This particular paragraph describes selfish individuals who have great difficulty giving, as it was meant to be.

 

If people get married for any of the above or a combination thereof, there's an excellent chance that marriage will fail. So if you personally fall under any of the above, DON'T get married.

[betamanlet]

Basically given the divorce rate and no fault divorces, I doubt many men would want to take the risk of getting married unless they were absolutely sure, and I would imagine that would take a very long time of trying to get to know her. I'm not even 35, and over half the marriages I know of from the past 10 years have ended in divorce.

[torranceshipman]

Many men dread marriage. They associate marriage with a loss of freedom, the end of youth, and fear financial ruin following divorce.

 

I admit to fearing this myself (apart from the financial ruin!), but I've tempered it down a lot in recent years...I also have a strong, typically female side to me where I love the idea of commitment and a life with someone (and I want kids within a marriage ideally). But I can totally understand this fear about loss of freedom and independence - it's a big deal to me, and I wouldn't blame anyone for not taking that lightly.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Frankly, I think the majority of men marry because they feel like they have to, not because they want to. Most men would be perfectly happy just "hanging out" with a woman forever.

Many men dread marriage. They associate marriage with a loss of freedom, the end of youth, and fear financial ruin following divorce. There was a time when a man needed to get married if he wanted to have sex, live with a woman, and maintain the respect of his family and community. That is no longer true. Nowadays, many men see nothing to gain by marriage and, potentially, a great deal to lose.

 

That's part of it. I have not seen this mentioned yet, but women change in marriage. Your loving sweet GF transforms into an insane harpy. Plus you have to give up your sex life.

 

I can say for fact that was the biggest issue for me when I was married.

[Stung]

But you do see that it's only an institution by religious belief, right? Men will get married due to religious belief. I guess I could throw in social pressure....

 

If it's only pressure they might settle for a state sanctioned union. That doesn't sound pleasant. lol.

 

 

I personally don't see a valid reason for myself to get married. LOL. I just think being a wifey would be so cute. Okay, well, special. But how am I going to tell THAT to the man I love?? Probably just that way.

 

WTH. Why am I even thinking of this. lol

 

I don't see that at all, actually. Atheists marry. Cultures all over the world of all different religions and philosophies have marriage, for various reasons.

My atheist parents have been married for forty years come spring. When I look around me I see all kinds of marriages, some with religious underpinnings, many without. I have gay male friends who have been together for fifteen years and were finally able to proudly tie the knot with each other, two men thrilled to the bone to be marrying each other, not because of religion, kids, or society.

 

My husband is an atheist; I would describe myself as an agnostic with strong atheist tendencies, and we are quite happily married. We live in a liberal cosmopolitan area where there is relatively little societal pressure to marry, even for the sake of kids, if one doesn't wish to. My husband had a daughter from a previous live-in GF when we met, they had split amicably and were active co-parents, and had never at any point planned to marry. Then after several years of living together and raising his daughter together, he and I had our son.

 

We both feel/felt that while it is nice for kids to be inside of a marriage, and is a good overall social framework societally, it is not necessary to marry for children. We are educated, middle class, I already saw what a good father my husband was to his daughter without any papers compelling him to be. We weren't worried about our son's future.

 

When we decided to marry it was because we loved each other deeply both romantically and as family and wanted to be legally and formally bound. We wanted the symbol of that union. We had decided to not just live together and parent together, but to grow old together side-by-side. We were already parents together, already owned property together, already had joint bank accounts and were on the same insurance. Granted, there were some tax considerations, and we wanted to be automatic next-of-kin too. My husband was forty years old and had never before been married or engaged and still had/has single friends. He loves calling me his wife.

 

We had a small and very beautiful civil, 'state-sanctioned' wedding outdoors on a private beach. It was a gorgeous day. Everybody there, our closest friends and family, was happy and smiling. I'm not sure why you would find that unpleasant?

[Stung]

I'll add that to my list of reasons guys would get married. So now it's grown!

 

Reasons men get married:

 

1) to have their own family with children

2) religious beliefs

3) social pressure

4) because they find meaning in it

 

I hadn't seen this amendment when I posted. I am appeased .

[torranceshipman]

That's part of it. I have not seen this mentioned yet, but women change in marriage. Your loving sweet GF transforms into an insane harpy. Plus you have to give up your sex life.

 

I can say for fact that was the biggest issue for me when I was married.

 

Now I am starting to wonder if I am like a typical girl at all, or whether guys just get WAY off base with their assumptions...I'd assume one of the best parts of M the love of your life is that you get to share a bed for the rest of your life with a total hottie who wants to give you sweet love every night for the forseeable future :D:D

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't see that at all, actually. Atheists marry. Cultures all over the world of all different religions and philosophies have marriage, for various reasons.

My atheist parents have been married for forty years come spring. When I look around me I see all kinds of marriages, some with religious underpinnings, many without. I have gay male friends who have been together for fifteen years and were finally able to proudly tie the knot with each other, two men thrilled to the bone to be marrying each other, not because of religion, kids, or society.

 

Why do atheists marry again? It's an almost exclusively religious institution in every culture at nearly every time period of history.

 

It makes as much sense as atheists sacrificing goats.

[D-Jam]

I read so much about couples that have been together for years and SHE is waiting for HIM to propose. A lot of women feel this push for marriage, but what about the men?

 

What makes a man want to get married rather than just keeping the title of "the boyfriend"?

He's got to believe in it, and not have been disillusioned by bad experiences. It could be a bad breakup in his own past, or even just seeing his parents fall apart.

 

He also needs to find the right woman, and I know most women think they are right, but I pull out that one yesterday who has been trying to get her man to marry him since 2 months into their RL.

 

Men don't want to be rushed, pushed, put on a time schedule, etc. We need to know she truly loves us and wants us no matter what. That she would love us and stay with us even if we said "no" to marriage and "never" to children.

 

We see the ones who push and will leave the instant marriage and/or children become a possible "no" as the ones more infatuated with their own desires...that they see men as as wallet and sperm bank only.

 

I believe in marriage as the institution, and I will one day get married...but I am not going to get rushed or pushed into it. I need to know she's with me because she loves me...not because she needs me to fill in the husband blank.

 

I think most guys out there believe this.

 

 

I will lob something else into this thread. Anyone who doesn't fully embrace the institution of marriage, should never get married. Leave marriage to those who believe in it. If this happened, there would be a lot fewer divorces.

 

We would also see women complain endlessly as to why all the marriage-minded men are ugly and boring...why all the good looking exciting guys never want to get married.