"Dated" ex for 2 months. I did what I thought was right...

[gp913]

UPDATE to my original Break Up thread in August: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200172/

 

I just wanted to revisit this board, give an update, and ask for some advice :

 

4 year relationship ended in August. We lived together too. I was a big mess and had given up hope after a month and half of NC (few emails, just one asking if we can work on things, but nothing pathetic).

 

Around the end of September -- Just as I was moving on, I had sent her a letter to tell her so and close up loose ends... well, we met up for lunch and we discussed the loose ends and then she had seen that I had actually changed. We reconnected and she wanted to try things again with me. She immediately dumped her rebound guy and we tried things again...

 

We moved too fast at first, she started feeling confused about what she had just done with the rebound guy, and we took a week break... then we saw eachother and talked everyday in October.

 

In November, she met someone new... We continued to date, but I had suspected that she was talking to someone else by the appearance of this new guy on Facebook... she admitted that she wanted to date someone else ALSO. I went along with it because I didn't feel threatened... but I finally just said that I can't do this anyone. I can't date her while she seeing other people... I told her in an email after that I support her wanting to try to date other people, but I think it is best for me to not be in the picture while she does so.

 

Complicated situation, huh?

 

I still haven't talked with her since I told her how I was feeling, but she misinterpreted a lot of what I said... I think she is angry with me, feeling like I'm doing this to pressure her and that I was attacking her... We had just had a great date night (we made dinner and had a movie night). I was the one who brought it all up. She also admitted that she was still unsure of how she felt about me and that she still felt hurt by me... I had 2 months alone to heal... I don't think she's really had that time alone to heal, first the rebound, then me, and now.

 

Do you think I did the right thing here?

 

A lot of people told me to get out when she brought it up.

 

I was just getting too stressed out and felt like she wasn't devoting time to us, even though she said that she didn't want to commit to anything. I felt like she was constantly seeing this other guy, while maybe not necessarily on dates... He works at the library that she studies at everyday. We haven't been able to see each other or talk much because she is always at the library studying...

 

She said that she'd talk to me later (this was last week), but I haven't heard anything. I'll have to talk to her sometime soon since she has 2 things she was going to give me and I was going to give her a shirt and cd I had bought for her... I don't feel there is any reason for her to really be angry at me... The only reason would be if she thought I was truly trying to pressure her, but I don't think this is healthy at all. I'd rather let her date someone else and have time apart to have a more successful chance later... One thing she said that made me wonder, she said "You had your chance" -- I just don't think she wants to commit to working on anything right now, though I know she cares about me a lot... If she's talking about my having a chance after we reconnected... I don't see how that is... She hasn't wanted to commit to anything... I admit we made some slip ups along the way at first (like planning things in the future, talking like a couple), but when I finally got it... she introduced something new into the picture which I feel added stress. We've had amazing times whenever we talk or are together... it's the torment I go through inbetween that gets me because of this new situation. I feel I hurt her when I told her that I didn't want to feel as though I would become a backup plan... It just came out... I know she wouldn't do something like that to me, but I'm not feeling comfortable with this and she got upset.

 

I bought 2 tickets (in October) to go see a big event around Christmas time (about 3 weeks away)... Do you think I could just mention that if she wants to go and she's not seeing anyone at the time, maybe we could go to it together? It's also something that we had planned on going to one Christmas while we were together...

[jerbear]

I think you should leave her alone.

 

Take a friend or someone that actually cares and WILL GIVE YOU A CHANCE to the Christmas event.

 

Don't even bring it up to her. Don't try to bribe her or buy her with the tickets.

 

I've done something similar in the past and she'll just go with you then go back to rebound guy or worse yet marry him.

[Kic]

1. Tougher for us men to rebound than it is for the pretty ladies.

 

2. Part of me thinks that you did the right thing by letting her go when she wanted to date that other guy.

 

3. Another part of me thinks that it's just dating and there is no exclusivity when dating, which led her to understandably think you're being too possessive when you have no right to be, since you are not exclusive.

 

If she's not already exclusive with this other guy, then she's fair game for you to take on a date with those tickets, assuming you don't have a better prospect to take along (see point #1).

[sean1970]

If she's not already exclusive with this other guy, then she's fair game for you to take on a date with those tickets.

 

Translation: It's ok to play with fire.

[Weezy]

Man, it just doesn't seem like her interest level is there.

 

You need to just go strait NC, and play hard ball with her. If she's out dating 2 or 3 guys and you are just there for her, she's got 0 reason make up her mind.

 

IF she wants to come back, you've gotta be strong and say your not ready yet because you cannot trust her.

[gp913]

Thanks for your replies all...

 

I saw my therapist this morning and she doesn't understand why my ex's reactions were the way they were... she thinks that she just may be a little upset that I was actually pointing out some truths and that I didn't want to stay there as a comfort for her as she dated other people. Also, she misinterpreted everything I was trying to say. My therapist thought it was good that I was standing up for myself and that I didn't say anything wrong (I showed her a copy of my email and a transcript from memory of what was said that morning)... everything just blew up that morning.

 

I think my plan is to just leave her alone for now and forget about the tickets... unless something happens before then...

 

If she does end up wanting to talk, like I had hoped to clear things up and discuss things... then I will definitely talk to her about them. Otherwise, I may just wait a week and a half or so, send a quick quick note in an email reiterating some of my honest feelings (in the email, I maybe didn't go there because I expected a followup conversation...) and how I feel that there are some misunderstandings. If she'd like to talk about them, I'd be open, but I don't expect it (since I would have expected to hear something from her). I'd also let her know about 2 things I may send to her (a shirt and a cd). Or maybe I will wait a little longer, or not do anything... There's just a lot of stuff that I feel should be said to clear up the misunderstandings. I wasn't giving her a straight up ultimatum... I told her that I understand if she wants to date others, I just don't want to be there.

 

Any ideas?

 

Really, I think she is very confused with her life right now and I don't think it's good for me to be there while she is still hurt by me... and while she is probably comparing me constantly to all of these guys. Of course they will seem better than me at first because they are new. We have a history that I feel she still hasn't healed from.

[jerbear]

Don't send her the shirt or CD unless it is really hers and not a gift or a way to contact her.

 

Just take another friend with you to the Christmas event.

 

Don't be wishy washy, if she is comparing you to other guys well she can go to them. Don't be her emotional tampon. If she wants to date other guys then let her, she is her own person, nothing you do will prevent her from leaving.

 

There are certain boundaries one should not cross and if crossed you'll have to lay the law down. Otherwise, she'll just do it again.

 

Let her go, do your own thing and don't let her back in. You'll move forward regardless if she comes back or not.

[carhill]

My first instinct when reading the OP in the linked thread was that she was cheating, if not in body, then in mind. The breakup was to soothe her conscience.

 

Regardless, she made a decision to end your relationship. Now, and forever, she gets to own that decision. Accept that and that she is both gone and not the same person you lived with and loved.

 

Take a friend to the Christmas event. Your ex is not a friend. Her behavior describes that dynamic

[Kic]

Yeah, ignore point #3 from me earlier. I overlooked that you had a four year relationship and hadn't read your earlier story in that link until today. For some reason, I imagined you two as being college kids and at that stage it's more about courting and competition.

 

NC is indeed the best way to go, since at one time you had been exclusive for awhile - sorry about that.

[gp913]

Don't send her the shirt or CD unless it is really hers and not a gift or a way to contact her.

 

Just take another friend with you to the Christmas event.

 

Don't be wishy washy, if she is comparing you to other guys well she can go to them. Don't be her emotional tampon. If she wants to date other guys then let her, she is her own person, nothing you do will prevent her from leaving.

 

There are certain boundaries one should not cross and if crossed you'll have to lay the law down. Otherwise, she'll just do it again.

 

Let her go, do your own thing and don't let her back in. You'll move forward regardless if she comes back or not.

 

Haha, "emotional tampon". I agree.

 

Yeah, everyone I talk to about this believes I did what was best. That I shouldn't be her comfort there while dating someone else... I, of course, started questioning what I had done... letting her go do her own thing, but I feel better now...

 

When I reconnected with her the first time, we both hadn't healed fully... I had just began letting go and moving on... She saw the things that she liked in me again, saw me making improvements in my life, but she's still confused about what she wants. I'm much stronger now. If she does want back in... I will really have to find out why and she'll have to prove to me she wants to work on this with me. I love her like crazy, but if we want to try, I want it to have both of our best efforts there.

 

The gifts were both things I told her I was going to give her before I "dropped the bomb" (about how I was feeling -- I stood up for myself). After some thought, I may have to just put them away somewhere (in the box with a lot of other stuff).

 

Yeah, ignore point #3 from me earlier. I overlooked that you had a four year relationship and hadn't read your earlier story in that link until today. For some reason, I imagined you two as being college kids and at that stage it's more about courting and competition.

 

Yeah, we were together for 4 years and lived together for 2.5 of those years... She felt like we were becoming more like roommates than a couple. It was both of our faults, but we never addressed the problems very well... She's finishing up college and I just started my career (same city). I think she really enjoys the attention she's getting.

 

When I read your #3, that was something I had been considering when wondering if I had done the right thing... That's kind of what kept me going along with this for 3 weeks. I don't think that our situation is appropriate for that type of dating... If she wasn't an ex, sure... We already have a long history and we should try to work on it together. She didn't want any commitment and I was fine with that... work on things, no pressure... but this is totally different.

[j_cali_man]

I am feelin you guys big time. We are such gluttons for punishment. My relationship of 3 years was on the rocks HARD and I manipulated (as only a co-dependent can) her into following through on our planned Halloween event. The night was a disaster of biblical proportions.

 

I think us men are just gluttons for punishment. Hence breaking NC last week. Anyways, there is no prize for our long suffering. Made me feel a lot better to jump nback on here and see that many of us have these major relapses.

 

Let's get stronger- men. We gotta man up. This heartbreak sh*t sucks elephant juevos. Sick of it. Worn out of being worn out yet?

 

I am.

 

J

[gp913]

Still haven't heard anything from her. Been a week since I talked to and saw her.

 

I still want to have a discussion with her, since everything was misinterpreted and we both got defensive last time we talked... our walls went up and we didn't really communicate well. I won't push her for it though. It's not to beg for her, because I'm the one who stopped what we were doing this time around... or to pressure her, because really, I'm doing this to save any possible successful chance we may have in the future if it happens... I told her that this isn't healthy. I want to talk to her so I can understand why she still feels hurt by me if she wants to talk about it and talk about what has happened these two months. I know that I hurt her, but I didn't know that she still felt hurt by me... I don't know to what degree she has healed... That would explain some things... I had a hard time opening up with certain feelings in the relationship, especially when conflict was involved, so this is why I feel it is so appropriate to talk this out.

 

I don't think I'll hear from her atleast until the semester is over (about another week) and/or she talks to her therapist (I don't think she's seen him because of holidays, etc, most likely next week). She also still has my keys, which I, in a way, am considering a sign for the time being that she isn't mad at me and would possibly talk to me. Otherwise, she would have sent them back to me right away. I can't really read into that though, I know...