problems with my mom

[rix]

My mom and I used to be really close until a few years ago. I just came to some realizations that really changed the way that I feel about her. Now that the holidays are here, and there's been lots of family time (and I'm five months pregnant and hormonal) I think that I just need some perspective.

 

My mom used to be married to this guy who was verbally abusive to me and molested me. My mom didn't know about it at the time, but looking back I wonder how she couldn't know, because this man was so fixated on me. Even after she knew what happened, she stayed with him for seven years before she left for a few months, and then she went back to him. He finally divorced her about a year or so later. Now, by this time, I was an adult, but for eight years, I had been told that I needed to respect this man because it made him feel bad that I didn't like him. WTF??? For a long time after the divorce, she would call him to see if he was okay. And then she would tell me about it. I don't care if he is okay. I don't understand why she cared either. I feel like she didn't care about me, but she needs to check on the guy who molested me? After my mom was done with this guy, she has had a series of boyfriends, which is fine. The thing that is not fine is that when she would make plans to do something with me, and I would arrange my life between kids and school and work, she would blow me off for any one of these men. I feel like my time is important too, and I get sick of being blown off for the flavor of the month. We got in an "discussion" about this a while ago, and she says that she's not like that anymore, but I am in my thirties now. I don't need anyone to look after me anymore.

 

My mom can also be rather overbearing, if someone asks a question about my children, she will answer. If she happens to be at my house when my husband come home, she runs up to him and asks him how is day was and all that. When my husband was in a car accident, she was the one who ran to the door and hugged him, I finally had to ask her if she would let me hug my own husband before I had to leave for work. About a month ago, we found out that our third child is going to be a boy. My husband and I wanted to tell our two older sons that they are going to have a little brother. We had planned on doing this just the four of us, before my sons went to spend the weekend with their aunt. My mom showed up and wouldn't leave. I didn't feel like I could ask her to go, but it never occurs to her that sometimes there are things that we would like to do alone with our kids.

 

She gets so weird about stuff. A while ago, I gave my sister a rather expensive purse. I had bought a bigger one that was very similar, and I don't need two of the same purse, and I figured that someone might as well enjoy it, and since my sister had said that she like it, I gave it to her. The next day, my mom showed up at my house demanding a purse because she saw the one I gave my sister.

 

And the holiday related stuff is just getting to me more this year. Last year, both my sister and I and our husbands all got giftcards from my mom. Mine was smaller than anyone elses, but I got some coffee cups that I'm pretty sure were regifted, and I don't even drink coffee. This year, my mom spent over an hour trying to find a gift for my husband, and she bought me a set of 20 glasses. Which she decided to keep. She brought me over the box and told me that she was giving me her old glasses. So everyone gets a real gift, but I get used glasses.

 

My husband and I just went on vacation for our anniversary. My mom stayed at our house and watched our kids for a week. I am really thankful that she did that. We took her grocery shopping before we left, and we also left some cash for doing extra things with the kids, like going to the movies or out to dinner. Well, the kids told us that they ordered pizza once and rented videos, but all of the money was gone. When we asked my mom if there was any money left over, she said that she used it to put gas in her car and to buy groceries, but there was no food in fridge. I just feel like I've been taken advantage of. I know that my mom doesn't have much money, but I kind of feel like she stole money from me.

 

I feel like my mom didn't value my safety or wellbeing when I was a child, and now she seems to think that my husband and I are made of money and that she's entitled to money or things from us. The thing is that she gets so defensive when confronted about any of this, and there are so many more things, but this is already a book, and I don't want to add more.

 

Thank you for listening to me vent.

[Eve]

Put simply, your Mum is still a child. I can relate to your story a lot! My Mum died in 2002 and I can say that I cried more for my hamster who died that year than for her. She was really screwed up. In the end all I could do was consciously decide to keep a few good things from my experience of my Mother. There wasnt much but I 'took' them and incorporated them into my life without waiting for her interpretation.

 

So, maybe you could think hard about what things Mum does that are good, write them down and put them in an envelope to keep? Do the same with all the bad things and throw away the envelope. The point of the exercise is that you need to stop the stories now and concentrate on building your own stories with your family. Life is too complex to wholey define but I would say that for the sake of your children you will need to put down this burden for good. Not sure about how in its fullness because she still comes to your home etc!!!! .. but I hope that you can find a way to get into the driving seat because its safer if you drive! (Hope you understand what I mean there)

 

Sorry that your Mum cant take away the bad that has happened and she should have protected you.. but I am glad that you have survived all the bad and have been able to still have children. Above all I am glad that you can still identify unacceptable behaviour and that you have not repeated your Mums errors. You are stronger than you think.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Princess1985]

Hi. ...

It sounds to me like your Mom just didn't know how to be a Mother. ESPECIALLY since she knew that her husband molested you and she didn't even do anything about that! ...I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I can only imagine how much that must hurt you,..and how much you wish that your mom could have just stood up for you and just got rid of that man and press charges and make sure he would be locked up for as long as possible.

BUT, I think instead of holding on to all of this, I think the best thing for you to do is just realize that your mom is who she is, and just accept that and move forward in your life with your family. (I totally understand about mother daughter fueding) ...Also, Forgiving her can help you to move forward a lot easier. Your not forgiving her because its ok the way she treated you, but you are forgiving her because its Not ok the way she treated you. ...thats why you have to forgive her.

Since you know the type of women she is, and you know the choices she made when she raised you as a child, I think that maby you shouldn"t trust her to watch your kids. (only a thought)

When you gave her the extra money when you went on vacation, and she took it for herself and didnt spend it on the kids,..maby you should just think of it as if you paid her to watch the kids instead of her watching them for free,..and then maby you wont feel like your mom stole from you.

Over all, I dont think that your mom realizes how she has treated you, or how she is treating you in the present. It also sound like she wants to be in your life, with your family, and thats why she is acting the way she is acting. I think the whole purse situation shows that she was a little jealous that you chose to give the purse to your sister instead of her. If its possible, maby you can sit her down and explain everything from childhood, up unto now, and tell her how you feel. If she doesn't listen, then at least you will know that you tried, and you can just move forward with your husband and kids.

Hope I helped a little.

[Eve]

Princess, I wholey agree with the forgiveness idea but think it could be dangerous with Mum having so much access to the house and kids. 'Dangerous' in terms of being too emotionally draining and could in fact prolong the situation.

 

Mum needs to back off.

 

The main problem I found with my Mum was that I couldnt reconcile the love she had for my children with how I had been treated. To her it was all 'water under the bridge' but I was still suffering.

 

It was a difficult time but I chose my family. She should have done the same. End off. Forgiveness only came for me once I was free from thinking about what she didnt do for me by doing these things for myself and my (then) young kiddies.

 

I dont know what the answer is for the OP. I hope that things settle down sooner rather than later for her.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Princess1985]

Hi Eve,

I totally understand what you mean by emotionally draining. ..and Yes the Mom needs to Back off.

I've been learning about forgivness from Joyce Meyer (not sure if you know who she is) and the reason why I suggested rix to forgive her mom is because when we forgive people, it helps us to let go of certain situations, so that we wont be bitter, or emotionally drained. We should never let anyone,or any situation, have power over our emotions.

You see, I've learned a few things about people. People are who they are, and People Dont Change. (unles God changes them)

Rix's Mom is always going to act the way she is acting,(unless she gets a revelation on how she is acting) so I think Rix should just forgive her mom, and accept that she is who she is,..and since she doesn't like her mom, then the best thing to do is keep distance from her so she wont be emotionally drained.

In my situation, I dont get along with my mother. She is in complete denial about a lot of things and we dont agree on most things.

I chose to forgive my mom,(not letting her have power over my emotions) and accept that she is who she is. Now I keep my distance as much as possible. I will have a family one day, and just like you did, I will do for my kids what my mom didn't do for me, and learn from this situation.

[Eve]

 

Yes, I love Joyce too. Shes seen some things and come through by the Grace of God. I think she is very funny as well. I agree with forgiveness and suppose really its what happens once that step has been taken that counts. Without support it could just be a red flag for Mum to continue as she is... it takes so much inner reserve and strength to continue. I hope the OP can get lots of support in real life with this.

 

I had to leave my Mum behind, I still find it hard to say the same to someone else. Though at the time it wasnt hard at all!!!

 

.. but then another day dawns and life goes on.

 

Thanks for your comments and I hope that things go well for you too Hun.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[rix]

I really love my mom, and the weird thing is that I feel bad about the distance between us, but I can't seem to get over it. I realize that she has her own issues with relationships and that's why a lot of things happened the way that they did.

 

It's just been the last few years that things have been really strained. It seems like since my husband and I have finished school and we have a decent income that all these issues have come up. When we hardly had any money, she really used to help us out and at the time it didn't seem like there were strings attached.

 

We had sold her our old house on a land contract when we moved into a bigger home. She would pay us rent and we would make the house payment. When she was trying to get the house refinanced in her name, the mortgage guy kept telling her not to make the payment b/c the loan was about to go through. The only thing was that we still had to make the payment for that house. When we told her that she had to pay the payment she screamed at me that I was forcing her to give me money. I asked her if she expected us to pay two house payments b/c she didn't want to pay hers. This happened for three months in a row. Thank goodness that's over. I'll never do that with a family member again. Too complicated.

 

Last month she asked me if she could have our car when we get a new one. Um, yeah. We're not getting a new car, we're just going to cram into the ones we have once the baby comes. And even if we were getting a new car we would need the old one to trade in.

 

We've decided that we won't lend money to anyone anymore. If someone needs help, we will just give them whatever we can afford to give and it will be a gift. Lending just makes everything awkward, especially with family.

 

I really do love my mom, and I want her to be part of my life and my kid's lives. She's great when she just acts normal and not entitled or overbearing. But when I try to talk about it she either gets defensive and yells or she cries. I guess that I just have to accept her as she is and move on with my life . . .