Is she being inappropriate? Or am I being unreasonable?

[Pooch]

I don't believe my girlfriend is cheating on me, but I do think she is acting inappropriately and it causes problems every time it comes up. First, some history:

 

This summer one of her professors at school began flirting with her. We weren't dating at the time. He gave her books, emailed her (telling her he loved her, even though he is married), invited himself over to her place, etc. She and I were merely co-workers/friends at the time, and she told me about all this. I told her that this was inappropriate and that she should report him to the dean; she did not do this.

 

She has since confided in me that at one point this summer, she admired and looked up to him for his 'wealth of knowledge', but swears that there was no physical attraction and now feels nothing for him. She has also told me that she resisted his advances, although she took the books and has kept all the emails. She has also told me that nothing happened, and I have no evidence that she's lying.

 

This fall semester she signed up for a class with him, and soon after the semester started, she and I began dating. Everything was cool. But soon things happened that began to bug me. She checked her emails once in front of me, and her inbox was full of letters from him (she claims they are forwarded group emails to her and others in a writers' group, which he is also in). She was attending play rehearsals a couple times during the week (which he was directing) as well as this writers's group meeting (which, of course, he is in).

 

When I'd question her about all the time spent with him, she'd become defensive and claim that this was all for her education, and that she'd 'handled' everything with him already and that he was no longer important to her. She also says that she's keeping his old emails in case he does something 'inappropriate' in the future. This way she can blackmail him or threaten his job, I guess. My opinion is that he did something inappropriate a long time ago.

 

Then, she signed up for TWO MORE classes with him for the spring semester. We got in a big fight, and her defense was that she had no choice but to take these classes in order to graduate, and that regardless of how I felt, that's the way it was. To her credit, she says she is no longer going to attend the writers' meetings (but not for me, but because they're becoming 'boring.') and the plays are over, so no more rehearsals.

 

I even went to see these plays (just for her) that he directed, and she told me she wouldn't introduce me to him as her boyfriend. Her reasoning: she didn't want him knowing that much about her personal life. She finally relented (after an argument) but then, of course, we got there too late for the introduction (she was late getting ready). The plays sucked, by the way.

 

There is a problem every time his name comes up, which is regularly, because of school. She thinks this is MY problem. I have no evidence she's lied to me, but this problem is not going to go away soon, as she will be spending even more time with him next spring. I like her a lot, but I don't know if I can do this for six more months. This drives me nuts.

So is she being inappropriate? Or am I just being unreasonable?

Thanks for your time.

[BettyBoo]

I think you are right to question their relationship. It sounds to me as if there is a lot more to it. If you are going to have a relationship you have got to be honest. It is unfair of her to keep you in the dark and I think a candid and open conversation is needed. Her not introducing you as her boyfriend is certainly peculiar and suggests all is not as it seems.

 

GIve her the time and space to talk about it and just LISTEN. Perhaps she feels judged by you and afraid to be up front. However if she refuses to be honest with you I think you may have to rethink your relationship. If you can't handle this matter then what happens inthe future when other problems arise.

 

Good Luck

[Girlie]

Ugh. Sticky situation. First of all, it wasn't just the professor who was acting inappropriately. By not putting a complete halt to his behavior immediately, she was taking part in the inappropriate behavior. She has no right to keep his emails for future blackmail. The situation should have been addressed while it was taking place. If she refused to do so, then she needs to just cut the ties as much as possible and move on. If she must take classes from him because they are not offered by anyone else and she needs them to graduate, fine. But there should be no ties outside of class. This is not a situation I would involved myself in, but if you really do wish to continue, make sure you tell her that you won't tolerate the two of them having any personal contact. Go to class and that's that. No more contact.

[Tony T]

1. "So is she being inappropriate?"

 

If she is being honest with you, she is not being inappropriate.

 

2. "Or am I just being unreasonable?"

 

If she is lying to you, you are not being unreasonable.

 

Everything about this smells a little foul but the rules of evidence require a lot more than a foul odor to prove guilt. There's not much that can happen in a class full of people. Now, if she leaves for class early and gets back late, you'll just have to break up with her. You cannot dictate how she spends her time. She could have legitimate reasons for going early or staying late...but the fact is if you don't trust her I really don't think you can have a healthy relationship.

 

My vote is to dust her and find someone you trust. Or if you are very insecure with all women you date or live with, work on that.

 

I hope this helps.

[FreeMe]

If she is telling the truth and nothing is going on with him, then she's using him to to get better grades or something which is really low. She's also playing with him, which is also low. And he sounds like a potetial screwball and completely unethical.

 

I would kick her to the curb. It doesn't sound like she's considerate of your feelings and I think she's probably lying to you as well. Why put yourself through that? You're only going to end up with lower self-esteem and trust issues. Life is too short to remain in a situation that is hurting you.

[jmargel]

I think some of you should refrain from 'telling' him what to do. Yes, give opinions but saying 'Kick her to the curb' is jumping to conclusions. You don't have any hardcore proof that anything is going on. One thing a relationship is based on is trust. You have to trust her when she tells you these things, otherwise what can you base your relationship on her with?

 

Why hasn't she contacted the dean? Good chance this guy has been doing this to other girls too. She could be scared about whats going on, and by putting her on the defensive of course she's not going to be as open to you as you wish.

 

IMO, you should apologize to her, stop accusing her of things that you have no proof of. If he's sexually harassed her, she needs to goto the authorities or the dean regarding this matter. Her keeping his emails is a good thing, but she just can't keep them & not use this evidence.

 

How is she when you are around her? Is she distance? Has she changed much? She's been honest with you from the start in telling you about him. I would be very concerned if she didnt tell you & you found out by other means.

 

You are putting this relationship in jeopardy by not trusting her. Try looking things from her side. At least that's what I try to do when I get upset with my gf.

[FreeMe]

I didn't say HE should kick her to the curb, I said that's what I would do. The relationship doesn't sound serious enough to hold onto at all costs. They're not married, he doesn't even say he loves her, only that he likes her. To ME, it would not be worth all the doubt and arguing that the problem is causing.

 

And she hasn't gone to the dean because she either likes the attention OR something is going on with them OR she's using him to up her GPA. If the attention was unwanted, she wouldn't keep taking classes with the guy and joining extracurricular activities with him.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by FreeMe

And she hasn't gone to the dean because she either likes the attention OR something is going on with them OR she's using him to up her GPA. If the attention was unwanted, she wouldn't keep taking classes with the guy and joining extracurricular activities with him.

 

How do YOU know why she hasn't gone to the dean? Have you talked to her? Can you read her mind? Maybe it has nothing to do with attention, but the fear that her grades could be adversary effected if she went to the dean or said anything right now to him.

 

You can't assume things. I've learned that! Those two need to keep an open communication with each other, which means NOT assuming or jumping to conclusions.

[FreeMe]

No of course I haven't talked to her, and I appreciate what you're saying about assuming, but her boyfriend described her actions. If she was worried her grades would be adversely affected, she wouldn't keep signing up for classes with him.

 

Pooch asked for opinions on whether he was overreacting and going from the things he said, the problems it's causing, the way he describes her actions and attitudes, My opinion is that he's not overreacting and if he sees it as a problem, then it is one.

[moimeme]

I don't know if I can do this for six more months. This drives me nuts.

 

Yes you can. She wants to graduate. She does not want to mess up her chances or get the administration mad at her. Cowardly, yes, but not everybody is courageous. She very likely does have to take his classes to graduate. There was a point in my schooling when there was only one prof teaching the courses I needed to graduate. This cannot be helped. She quit the writers' group for you.

 

I absolutely think she should keep the emails. That way she has the ammunition she needs to keep him in line. I would urge her to report him once she's graduated, though, since she clearly is unwilling to do so now.

 

Six months is not that long. As Tony said, if she's not leaving early for classes or coming home late, then believe her when she tells you nothing is going on. It would be completely unfair and inappropriate to 'kick her to the curb' without having definite proof that anything is going on. All you have now is suspicions. That wouldn't get her convicted in a court of law, so it shouldn't in your mind either.