My world just fell apart

[Echota]

Okay, I’ll try to keep this short. My wife of 26 years left me the day before Thanksgiving. We had a spat about work and, like always, I over reacted and got angry, slammed the door and made a butt of myself (again). By the time it was over she was leaving, said “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, and that she’s felt this way for about 3 years. Of course I was in shock and first told her I’d leave the wound up begging her not to go

 

Before I get to my question I have to describe myself. I am loud, angry and many times just plain mean. Not in a physical way but I will say hurtful things and I’m pretty quick to fly off the handle. I sometimes become distant with matters of work and money but I don’t think many days have passed in all our time together when I didn’t say I “love you

 

She, on the other hand is calm, caring and very together. She has never wronged me in spite of the fact that I’ve let her down many times. It was suggested to me by a very dear friend of our that we should both make a list of what’s wrong with the other and hash this out. I thought for a long time and came up with nothing. She did nothing short of saving my life when we married. We’ve had our low points but the one thing I thought she would always know is that she is the center of my whole universe.

 

I still love her truly (and I am still in love with her) and I want to fix our relationship. In these past few days I’ve come to really understand myself and the way I must have made her feel. I don’t know what to say to her other than “I’m so very sorry” which is so very hollow in view of what I put her through. I know this is my fault but I am going to change. I’m aware how little it takes to set me off and I’m working on controlling myself. I have an appointment with a physiologist / couples councilor that said he’s going to try to help me identify my triggers, control them and get me out of the horrible funk I’m in. I want to be a better person for her

 

My question is am I redeemable? Will she ever forgive me? Is there any chance she would take a chance on me again?

Edited December 1, 2009 by Echota
Removed format tags

[soheartbroken]

Sounds a tad bit like my situation...though I'm beginning to realize that there was a lot going on in my relationship. On the surface though, I was the angry and impatient one, and she was the calm one.

 

But man, for three years your wife was drifting away and didn't say anything? Is this the case?

 

I have to say, and this might be harsh, but from all my experience on this board, the situation is not good. Sounds like she's been wanting out for a long time, so she is pretty far gone right now.

 

The good news is that you see all the things that you can change about yourself, so there is progress that you can make. Try not to beat yourself up too much right now (I know it's impossible though), and rather work, work, work on yourself. Read these forums. I highly recommend PWSX3 thread, I think titled "back for another page in life". It's very inspirational, and he also had some anger issues I believe. Although I have to say, most of us express much more emotions in our posts, so don't be afraid if you feel that you're not taking it as well as he did. Perhaps another vet can recommend their own thread?

 

Welcome to hell, welcome to the roller coaster of emotions. Hang on.

[Gunny376]

@ZZhat! Dirtbag! Worthless POS!

 

(Let me know when I make you feel really bad about yourself!)

 

Me? I was far, far away from having been the worse husband in the world! Ditto with being the worse Father?

 

Was I the best?

 

No!

 

Had I'd known thirty years ago what I know now?

 

Things would have been a lot different!

 

I would have been a better husband and father!

 

QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!

[Gunny376]

Sounds a tad bit like my situation...though I'm beginning to realize that there was a lot going on in my relationship. On the surface though, I was the angry and impatient one, and she was the calm one.

 

But man, for three years your wife was drifting away and didn't say anything? Is this the case?

 

I have to say, and this might be harsh, but from all my experience on this board, the situation is not good. Sounds like she's been wanting out for a long time, so she is pretty far gone right now.

 

The good news is that you see all the things that you can change about yourself, so there is progress that you can make. Try not to beat yourself up too much right now (I know it's impossible though), and rather work, work, work on yourself. Read these forums. I highly recommend PWSX3 thread, I think titled "back for another page in life". It's very inspirational, and he also had some anger issues I believe. Although I have to say, most of us express much more emotions in our posts, so don't be afraid if you feel that you're not taking it as well as he did. Perhaps another vet can recommend their own thread?

 

Welcome to hell, welcome to the roller coaster of emotions. Hang on.

 

I so want to take you to woodshed, and spank you to get you to see you have your life before you and that you have your whole life before you!

 

Your life is worth living! I invested twenty of my own in making sure it was!

 

Twenty years of blood, sweat and tears. It cost me! It cost me my marriage! You owe me dammit!

 

You owe to live your life to its fullest! To its top! You owe me Damn it!

 

Now Dammit get busy living it!

 

To its fullest and to its top! That's why I did my twenty in the Corps!

 

To pay my patriotic chore!

 

All gave some?

 

Some gave all!

[Echota]

That's exactly the way we were, I was the angry and impatient one and she was the calm one. Belive me, she made no mention about being unhappy, didn't change her attitude until about a week before she left. I asked her what was going on and got "Nothing, what do you mean". I was totally sucker punched with this.

 

One thing I failed to mention is that she started going through menopause about five years ago. I'm not trying to shift any of my fault on her condition. The only thing I knew about it is that all women go through it at her age. I was neglectful for not finding out more about it. Man, I can fix anything with a manual. If I would have researched it I think things would have been different or at least not this severe.

 

From the few indications she has given me I get feelings from there may be a chance to restore this to it's done. No matter what I am going to work on myself. I can't believe I damaged (or destroyed) the most important thing in my life. I've got to fix me as much as I hope to fix us.

 

After 26 years (we met in our early 20s) I have no idea of what direction to go which is why I'm going to a professional. Man, if it is over the idea of dating again seems rediculous. The idea of ever falling in love as I love her will never happen. That's how I found this forum. I know I'm not the only guy going through this so I'm hoping to hear from people like you, that are beyond the point in a break up that I'm in and get some idea from your experience. I appeciate your reply and will look for that post. Thank you.

[Midnight Rider]

My question is am I redeemable? Will she ever forgive me? Is there any chance she would take a chance on me again?

 

Yes my friend, you are. The Lord taught us to forgive one another. Try to correct your ways (posting here and admitting what you did is a positive step) and apologize to your wife and ask for her forgiveness and another chance. As your wife of 26 years, and especially if she is religious, she (as well as you) should always be mindful of your wedding vows and just how precious the holy sacrament of marriage truly is. Too many divorces happening these days, and it is a shame.

 

You are not a monster or a thug... you recognize your errors/sins, and you try to correct them and that is the important thing. We all make mistakes. Your wife has invested 26 years with you. If she thinks it is going to be easier for her at this stage of her life, she is in for a big surprise (just keep that to yourself though and no need to tell her).

[Echota]

Nothing you can do to make me feel any worse right now. This is a fresh wound and it hurts like hell.

 

I dont think there's such a thing as a best father or husband. No real way to achieve that. It's one of the many flaws of being human.

 

I wish I could have had just a little more foresight than I did, let alone thirty years. I think if we could look that far into the future there would be perfect fathers and husbands.

 

"QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!" Still trying to find out how.

 

By the way, thanks for your service Gunny.

[Echota]

Yes my friend, you are. The Lord taught us to forgive one another. Try to correct your ways (posting here and admitting what you did is a positive step) and apologize to your wife and ask for her forgiveness and another chance. As your wife of 26 years, and especially if she is religious, she (as well as you) should always be mindful of your wedding vows and just how precious the holy sacrament of marriage truly is. Too many divorces happening these days, and it is a shame.

 

You are not a monster or a thug... you recognize your errors/sins, and you try to correct them and that is the important thing. We all make mistakes. Your wife has invested 26 years with you. If she thinks it is going to be easier for her at this stage of her life, she is in for a big surprise (just keep that to yourself though and no need to tell her).

 

I sincerely hope so Rider. At this stage I am spending every waking hour thinking about what I need to do (which is alot because I can't sleep any more). I'm really trying. I just hope I'm trying the right things.

 

Neither of us are religous but our vows are sacred to us. Many, maybe even a majority, of people that get married these days have some kind of flare up in and devalue their relationship to "just a piece of paper". Up until last week this was a lifetime commitment (to me at least) and I never thought this would ever enter her mind without saying something to me.

 

Some of us are monsters or thugs to some degree and believe me, it's not easy to change after being "you" for so long. The thought of this being this hard on her breaks my heart. Most of all, what ever decision she make, I hope she's happy.

[Boundary Problem]

Some of us are monsters or thugs to some degree and believe me, it's not easy to change after being "you" for so long. The thought of this being this hard on her breaks my heart. Most of all, what ever decision she make, I hope she's happy.

 

 

Some men have a tendency to be cyclical. They naturally pull away on a daily or second daily basis. So push/pull push/pull. If you tell them, they moderate the cycle, but the cycle is still there.

 

 

I think for this type of man, he would be very betrayed if the "pull" portion of the cycle was viewed as a "break" and an opportunity to kiss/f**k other males.

 

But these men can also be very very manipulative. So it is important to not allow them free rein. Question is - what is he himself doing during the "pulling away" phase.

 

If he was dating other women - I would be outta here. Lots of better options than a two-timing manipulative guy.

 

They tend to be attracted to caring women, and establishing healthy boundaries is an ongoing struggle - for them and us. Cause you can see they need you, but they want to "test" how much crap you will take.

[Midnight Rider]

Don't think of yourself as a bad person... you aren't. You took care of her for 26 years and she stayed with you all that time. If you were really bad, you would have been the one kicking her out on the street with no care or remorse in the world. Remember that.

[luv2shop]

Okay, I’ll try to keep this short. My wife of 26 years left me the day before Thanksgiving. We had a spat about work and, like always, I over reacted and got angry, slammed the door and made a butt of myself (again). By the time it was over she was leaving, said “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, and that she’s felt this way for about 3 years. Of course I was in shock and first told her I’d leave the wound up begging her not to go

 

Before I get to my question I have to describe myself. I am loud, angry and many times just plain mean. Not in a physical way but I will say hurtful things and I’m pretty quick to fly off the handle. I sometimes become distant with matters of work and money but I don’t think many days have passed in all our time together when I didn’t say I “love you

 

She, on the other hand is calm, caring and very together. She has never wronged me in spite of the fact that I’ve let her down many times. It was suggested to me by a very dear friend of our that we should both make a list of what’s wrong with the other and hash this out. I thought for a long time and came up with nothing. She did nothing short of saving my life when we married. We’ve had our low points but the one thing I thought she would always know is that she is the center of my whole universe.

 

I still love her truly (and I am still in love with her) and I want to fix our relationship. In these past few days I’ve come to really understand myself and the way I must have made her feel. I don’t know what to say to her other than “I’m so very sorry” which is so very hollow in view of what I put her through. I know this is my fault but I am going to change. I’m aware how little it takes to set me off and I’m working on controlling myself. I have an appointment with a physiologist / couples councilor that said he’s going to try to help me identify my triggers, control them and get me out of the horrible funk I’m in. I want to be a better person for her

 

My question is am I redeemable? Will she ever forgive me? Is there any chance she would take a chance on me again?

 

yes she willl forgive u .. shes a lady. yes its very hard to let one go. ive been going through with it and when i saw this forum this is the only way i can get support its been 6 months for me and we have a one year old beautiful daughter.. split up when she was 5 months.. just pray and she will forigve.. sometimes u have to be careful what u say outloud.

[luv2shop]

I sincerely hope so Rider. At this stage I am spending every waking hour thinking about what I need to do (which is alot because I can't sleep any more). I'm really trying. I just hope I'm trying the right things.

 

Neither of us are religous but our vows are sacred to us. Many, maybe even a majority, of people that get married these days have some kind of flare up in and devalue their relationship to "just a piece of paper". Up until last week this was a lifetime commitment (to me at least) and I never thought this would ever enter her mind without saying something to me.

 

Some of us are monsters or thugs to some degree and believe me, it's not easy to change after being "you" for so long. The thought of this being this hard on her breaks my heart. Most of all, what ever decision she make, I hope she's happy.

i just recently got seperated from a 7 year marriage for 12 years relationship and im brutuly hurt inside @first he was concerned with my needs and my feelings and all of a sudden it jus shattered away.. i dont know what happened to him.we have a beautiful one year old daughter together and split up when she was 5 months old.. it was so hard its soo hard until now . financially and emotionally and physically im sooo overwhelmed with my life and it just seems like noone is really listening to me. i dont know what to do what to say becuz ive tried to ask if we can still work this out and he just literally ignores me. ;(

[Echota]

Some men have a tendency to be cyclical. They naturally pull away on a daily or second daily basis. So push/pull push/pull. If you tell them, they moderate the cycle, but the cycle is still there.

 

 

I think for this type of man, he would be very betrayed if the "pull" portion of the cycle was viewed as a "break" and an opportunity to kiss/f**k other males.

 

But these men can also be very very manipulative. So it is important to not allow them free rein. Question is - what is he himself doing during the "pulling away" phase.

 

If he was dating other women - I would be outta here. Lots of better options than a two-timing manipulative guy.

 

They tend to be attracted to caring women, and establishing healthy boundaries is an ongoing struggle - for them and us. Cause you can see they need you, but they want to "test" how much crap you will take.

 

You gave me something to chew on Boundary. I can think of times when she was distant, for whatever reason, that I in turn became domineering or even just plain mean. It frusterated me so if I couldn't help I'd feel (and act) rejected. I know that's a stupid reaction but hey, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

 

I'm not sure "what kind of man" you have classified me as but I don't think she left me so she can chase some strange. She's an honest, loyal and decent woman. If the were the case I think she would have told me to seal the deal. I realize now that she has gotten to the point that she just needs some space to figure herself out. I feel I have to let her do that if there will ever be a chance of her coming back to me. It doesn't lessen the anguish I feel but after what I've done she deserves everything she wants.

 

By the way, I'm not dating other women. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind. I'm not hanging out at bars or whooping it up with the boys. I stopped drinking, I'm going to a professional to deal with my issues, I'm reading this forum to see if I can pick up some advise from people that have been through this horrible time and I'm cleaning my bathroom with a toothbrush at 4 o'clock in the morning just to keep busy so I don't start thinking about how big of a jerk I've been to the greatest friend I've ever had.

[Echota]

Don't think of yourself as a bad person... you aren't. You took care of her for 26 years and she stayed with you all that time. If you were really bad, you would have been the one kicking her out on the street with no care or remorse in the world. Remember that.

 

Thanks Rider. I don't really think of myself as a bad person. Just a foolish person that did a really bad thing.

[Echota]

yes she willl forgive u .. shes a lady. yes its very hard to let one go. ive been going through with it and when i saw this forum this is the only way i can get support its been 6 months for me and we have a one year old beautiful daughter.. split up when she was 5 months.. just pray and she will forigve.. sometimes u have to be careful what u say outloud.

 

More than anything I hope you're right luv2shop. As you can probably tell this forum has been a great comfort to me. Everyone's advice has given me more to think about and I really think this will help.

 

I hope only the best for you. I'm so in the early stages of this I doubt I'd have anything useful to tell you but the fact that you've lasted 6 months gives me faith that I might make it a little longer.

 

After begging, pleading, crying and totally surrendering to her before she walked out the door I know that what comes out of my mouth is going to be far less effective than being sincere and proactive in getting myself in a better place and proving that I am worthy of another chance.

[Echota]

i just recently got seperated from a 7 year marriage for 12 years relationship and im brutuly hurt inside @first he was concerned with my needs and my feelings and all of a sudden it jus shattered away.. i dont know what happened to him.we have a beautiful one year old daughter together and split up when she was 5 months old.. it was so hard its soo hard until now . financially and emotionally and physically im sooo overwhelmed with my life and it just seems like noone is really listening to me. i dont know what to do what to say becuz ive tried to ask if we can still work this out and he just literally ignores me. ;(

 

When she left I was hurt, defiant, devistated, angry and in shock. We were both concerned with each other's feelings, so I thought. As it turns out I'm the one that became unattentive and complacent. At the time I didn't see it but now after alot of thought and soul searching I know it's true.

 

Like you I didn't know what happened. No, I was oblivious to what happened and I should have been perceptive. Sometimes we just don't see the signs. It must be very hard for you with a young child. I just couldn't imagine. Life as a single person or even a married couple is challanging enough. With a child that burden is multiplied 10 fold. The best thing is that you have your beautiful daughter and I hope you are staying strong and it's good that you've found this forum. It's been a godsend for me.

 

I feel that way too, like no one's listening. More important that there's no one to talk to. I have a 21 year old daughter who's been there for me but I have to be careful because I don't want my sorrow to filter down to her and I never want her to feel like she's been put in the middle of this.

 

If he's ignoring you now does it seem like there's a chance he'll talk to you in the future? I felt ignored to but I realize that separating herself from me is part of the process of her needing some space. It's possible that after some time to himself (I wish I could tell you how much) he'll start talking to you again. I'm sure he's missing his daughter.

[hopesndreams]

I'm not sure "what kind of man" you have classified me as but I don't think she left me so she can chase some strange. She's an honest, loyal and decent woman.

 

Don't be surprised, in the very near future, lo and behold, a man fell outta the sky and she's setting up house with him.

[Echota]

I'm not sure "what kind of man" you have classified me as but I don't think she left me so she can chase some strange. She's an honest, loyal and decent woman.

 

Don't be surprised, in the very near future, lo and behold, a man fell outta the sky and she's setting up house with him.

 

Right now at this stage I'm dealing with all of the fears and nightmares... that being one of them. MY hopes and dreams are that I fix myself, receive her forgiveness, make her fall in love with me again, plot a new & better course for our relationship and share the remaining years of our life together as I know in my soul it should be.

 

You know, I'm going to be a differnt man and I sure as hell wouldn't mind falling out of the sky for her.

[floridapad]

Echota

 

Please know that if she has fallen out of love with you for the last three years, her falling back in love with you (if she even wants to) will take a looooong time. This is not a 1,2 or even three month process. More like 1-2 years. Prepare yourself for a long rollercoaster ride of emotions. At this point, every time you get openly frustrated with her or try to talk to her about how hurt you are or that you are making changes for her, it will only push her away. Every time you get angry or argue or counter her feelings you will only serve to validate the very reason why she is leaving in the first place. Just some advice

 

1) BE PATIENT - This is a loooooong process. You can't rush or push this. It is at HER pace. Not yours.

2) Do some very deep introspection. Look at yourself hard. Look at your past relationships with old GF's, with your parents, with you guy friends, with your children. It will be painful but it is a must in order to truly grow.

3) Don't be afraid of the pain. Pain is pain but it can be a good thing if you do something with it. Learn from the pain as apposed to deflect it or alleviate through blaming others. Alleviate it through learning about yourself, growing and forgiveing yourself. That was the key for me. I stayed up many many nights analyzing my behavior since I was a child. I realized it all came down to me being an emotional robot. It was painful realizing how distant I was and how complacent I was in ALL my relationships, but now I have grown. I learned. I am far warmer than ever before and my W sees it. That IMHO is the proper way of alleviating pain. Well that and a Xanax and an occasional Martini :-). I'm still working on myself because it's a life long project.

4) Change is not for her it's for you - She will smell it a mile away if your changing to get her back as apposed to changing for yourself and to make you a happier person and fix your anger issues for yourself.

5) No begging No pleading, no crying. Greive as much as you want and cry as much as you need just not in front of her. Do NOT do it in front of her.

6) 180 your arse off.

7) At some point in the near future once you have finished all the introspection and learned about yourself let go of the guilt and forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself up.

 

 

Goodluck with everything. These things can be mixed blessings if you view them that way. Learn about yourself and relationships and you will be able to take that with you into your next relationship (or this one should it work out).

[Echota]

Echota

 

Please know that if she has fallen out of love with you for the last three years, her falling back in love with you (if she even wants to) will take a looooong time. This is not a 1,2 or even three month process. More like 1-2 years. Prepare yourself for a long rollercoaster ride of emotions. At this point, every time you get openly frustrated with her or try to talk to her about how hurt you are or that you are making changes for her, it will only push her away. Every time you get angry or argue or counter her feelings you will only serve to validate the very reason why she is leaving in the first place. Just some advice...

 

I really hate hearing that but I know you're probably right. It leaves me wondering if I would have known how she felt a lot earlier if WE couldn't have prevented this. My only problem about your comments and your list of what not to do's is where the hell were you the day before this happened? You are absolutely right in everything you said but I was totally clueless on how to react to this. Gues what, I broke every one of your rules.

 

One thing I am going to do is take your advice on learning about who I am and making things better for me. Instead of feeling like a zombie between my bouts of sadness and regret I'm begining to see a glimmer of light at the end of this long cold tunnel. This whole thing has always been about ME. I caused this, I failed to recognize what was going on and I need a lot of work. I accept the reponsibility for all of this. I'd like to say I'm going to be able to appropriately handle her being gone but it wouldn't be honest. This is too fresh to even consider life without her.

[hopesndreams]

Don't take all the blame. Investigate. You may just find what you are looking for without looking for it.

 

Not much you can do until you get all the facts. Even with proof, she will deny, deny, deny...it's all part of a cheater's M.O.

 

Don't believe it? Then do the investigation or hire someone who will to completely rule it out.

[Echota]

Something happened today. I was sitting at my computer doing today's work when I heard the locks on the front door being opened. It was my wife. She came over this morning to pick up some cold weather gear, pick up our bills and bring me some groceries. She did some stuff on her computer and we small talked about how each other were doing, work and the barrel race she was going to attend this weekend in Okla. She commented me on some of the stuff I did around the house and was impressed that I did the laundry (I haven't switched a washer on in over 20 years). I told her that my psychologist appointment is set for tomorrow and said she is willing to go with me when I am ready.

 

When she left she hugged me for the first time since she moved out. I didn't hug her, she hugged me. I wanted to kiss her so bad but I didn't push it as per the advice from many people on this forum. I've seen her a few times since she left but there was always other people around but this time she was friendly instead of cold. We even shared a smile or two.

 

Is this a breakthrough? I wouldn't say that. Is there any solid conclusion I can deduce from this encounter? Definately not. I'm hoping this is a sign that she's not angry at me anymore. It felt like talking to you very best friend after not seeing them for many years. At the very least she has lifted me out of the funk I've been in and made me feel good for the first time since this happened. She'll never realize how much incentive she's given me to proceed with working on making myself better by her simple act of kindness .

Edited December 2, 2009 by Echota

[imagine]

I don't agree with the folk. Say sorry. Don't bear a grudge. Thank her for coming back. And tell her that you missed her.

 

Pal. You said it yourself... she was teed off. Fix this for good!

[Echota]

I don't agree with the folk. Say sorry. Don't bear a grudge. Thank her for coming back. And tell her that you missed her.

 

Pal. You said it yourself... she was teed off. Fix this for good!

 

I wish it were that simple but I believe now that she needs thos time to get herself right. I'm going to let her have whatever she wants. I can only accept her decision.

[MrSandman]

Before I get to my question I have to describe myself. I am loud, angry and many times just plain mean. Not in a physical way but I will say hurtful things and I’m pretty quick to fly off the handle. I sometimes become distant with matters of work and money but I don’t think many days have passed in all our time together when I didn’t say I “love you

 

 

Be very careful to heal yourself outside of the relationship. You do not want her to perceive that you are doing this to "win her back" but to make yourself better. I am unsure of the "hurtful things" that you said, but saying them are so often controlling behaviors, intentional or not. Over years, they can be emotionally devastaiting.

 

Your change is necessary for any future healthy relationship. Your change will not guarantee her acceptance. Forgiveness comes first and hopefully, easily. Acceptance and trust are harder.