How can I get over my ex's girlfriend having a baby? It is too soon....

[EmotionalWreck]

I am in desperate need of some help. I probably should be seeking out a physician right about now. Let me explain my situation, I will TRY to be brief.

 

I was with a man for five years, during this time we had two beautiful children. I had a child from a previous marriage and he did as well. Here's the sticky part, during our relationship we went through a ton of tough times and he got physical sometimes. I found out he cheated on me and I left him, I wanted to come back to him, but he didn't want to. After some time, we decided to try to make things work out and got a new apartment. Well, he blew the money on stupid things and we were getting evicted, he was stressed and I was stressed and we were arguing and he threw a flashlight at me. It missed me by a quarter of an inch and left a dent in the wall so deep I could stick my pinky in it.

 

Because he broke the rules I set up, being which he would never get violent with me again, I left. I was still very much in love with him, but for the sake of myself and the children I had to do it. I am still in love with him and I know it is stupid for me to be, but I can't help it. We had so many plans and situations in our life made things difficult for us to handle, leading to many fights. We brought out the worse in each other and we both knew this.

 

I left him Feb. 13 of this year. That is 10 months ago. I had always skipped from relationship to the next and this time I couldn't move on. I just missed him so much, but every time he begged me to take him back (which was up until June) I refused. He suddenly stopped and then I started to ask him, he was refusing now. Telling me all about his new 19 year old girlfriend, we will call her Jane, that wore a size 7... Making me feel like crap. Keep in mind I had not met her, I wasn't ready to.

 

Now I had finally started feeling better about myself, trying to get over the pain and the hurt. I was thinking it was finally starting to end completely, but I knew it wouldn't for a long time. And two days ago my 2 year old tells me that Jane has their little sister in her belly. I didn't know how to react. I thought my 2 year old was just using her overactive imagination and I talked to my ex that same night. Jane was, in fact, pregnant. Jane is due at the end of the month. He kept this from me for nine months! I am having a hard enough time getting over him, my mind somehow would make me believe that someday we would work things out and be together again... but now... now I am utterly confused and I feel even worse than ever. I can't even begin to explain the pain I feel, I mean, he was trying to get back with me, we actually did talk of getting back together but it never happened, he was having sex with me and all the while his girlfriend was pregnant. I haven't been able to eat anything for the last two days, all I want to do is cry and sleep... what's wrong with me?

 

I think a lot has to do with the fact that he hasn't paid any support, won't pay any and I can't get it from him because he will quit his job when I get it garnished. I can't afford a lawyer either. And then he was never there for me during my two pregnancy's, I never had any maternity clothes, I had all hand me downs for the kids and I dealt with this, longing for a nice nursery... Now he has bought this new baby a brand new crib, playpen, swing, monitors and everything else under the sun... his girlfriend wears all new clothes and doesn't work, they just bought a ford explorer and he claims he can't afford to help me either... I don't know why I still love him, but I do. And I am jealous and I am hurt and I am angry. This can't be healthy, but where most people have some time to cope and adjust (normally the entire pregnancy of their ex's) I don't. I have all of two weeks tops... I can't explain this feeling inside, everything is boiling over and I just want to sleep.... I can't focus on anything for any amount of time and I can't stop crying... Is there any magic words? Or a nice pill that can be prescribed? I need some help ASAP. I have been so depressed, I was finally getting over it and now I have sunk even further than ever...

 

What do I do????

[midori]

I want to make sure I've got a handle on your situation: you've got 3 kids? Two of them fathered by this somewhat abusive, deadbeat ex?

 

Three children who are your responsibility. Two of whom deserve to be financially supported by their father as well. You passively accept his denial of support to you and your two children because he threatens to quit his job. I can see how that would make things more difficult for him ... but how would it make things more difficult for you?

 

I don't want to presume to know more about your situation than what you have posted. I don't know why you're still hung up on your ex. I can tell you that it sounds like he's an awful man and you're better off without him, but that's not going to be very meaningful for you. I'll tell you this: it doesn't matter whether you're over him or not. Believe it or not your heartache is not the most important thing at the moment. Acting in your children's best interests is the most important thing. I'm sure you're jealous that you had nothing from him materially when you were carrying and then caring for his two children, while his current gf seems to have whatever she likes. Get over it. Stop allowing angst to dominate you -- this stuff doesn't matter now. Getting your kids' rightful share of their father's earnings does matter.

 

Go tomorrow to your local police station. Tell them that you need to know how to sue your ex for child support. The police themselves won't be able to help you but I'm quite sure that they can direct you to the right place. If you can't afford a lawyer, there are organizations that can help you pursue this matter. This is very important. You need to be acting in your children's best interests. There is no excuse for not doing so; not even your unlikely hope that you and he will get back together.

 

I think you need to get strong and realistic about what's going on in your life. You are now solely responsible for 3 children. That's what you need to be focused on.

[EmotionalWreck]

First, I want to say thank you for replying...

Secondly, I want to say that I do work a full time job and I am more than capable of caring for my kids on my own. I am just going through an emotional time. I know it may sound, through my post, as if I am not doing anything else, but I am. I can't stop crying when I am alone at night, I am still more than able to function and I have and will continue to do so. I know I said all I want to do is sleep and cry, but I am not just sleeping and crying, I want to. I can't even get to sleep. I can't even cry at times. Anyway, I make enough money to survive, I do need the support and I have been to these people who are supposed to be able to help: Legal aid... Well, they only help those within a certain income bracket and I make too much. I know what I need to do and I am doing just that.

He was a little abusive at times, but we both are to blame for the mistakes we made. I knew when I left him I wouldn't be with him again, I just knew it. I was getting over it, but this news just really hurt me inside. I can't explain why. I am focusing on my kids, but when they are asleep or away from home, when everything is cleaned up and I have nothing to do but watch tv or sit at the computer, I can't help but let all of these feelings I have just come out.

I guess nobody knows what it is like or maybe I sound as if I am just some run down abused loser who has no hope, but that isn't the case.

Everything is all confusing to me right now. Like,when he was working at one job he was only court ordered to pay 63 dollars a week for two kids. I carry the insurance, I get their shots, I get them to the doctor when they are sick, I feed them, I buy their clothes, I get them off to school and the babysitters, I take care of everything. Sixty three dollars isnt much and he isn't even doing that. Because he is also court ordered to pay 100 dollars a week for his other daughter, his other ex was getting 86 a week and I was getting 50. Then he will change jobs and I go to the courthouse and fill out the paperwork the day I found out where he is at and the whole thing starts all over again. I went to the prosecuting attorny and all I can do is fill out more paperwork, never talk to anyone and it is the same line of crap: He is court ordered to pay it, it is being garnished from his wages, they are only allowed to take 55% of his weekly income so anything not paid by garnishment is still owed by him. That is it.It just seems like he will always get away with whatever happens to him.

 

I don't know, I hate him and I love him for some reason. But I am not an idiot. I understand that when I posted the last post I was at one of my worst stages thus far and it probably did sound like I was just worthless, but I am doing everything I need to. It is just really hard to deal with this. I know what he did and I fully understand what he has done to me mentally and physically and neither is good. I just suppose I had all these illusions that a family should be together. I wanted so badly to have the father of my kids with them. At least one of their fathers could have stuck around or I could have done something to make things better. And I am not trying to focus on just myself, but even though I am a mom doesn't mean that I don't need some kind of emotional support and love. Financially I can't afford a lawyer, but I make too much for assitance and I am just skating by. I think I am doing an excellent job as a parent for what I had handed to me. I also need someone that knows me and who can talk to me and laugh with me that is an adult. Because I have never been in any other relationship for that amount of time, I am not sure if there is anyone for me. I know this sounds immature, but honestly I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with a woman with three kids. I am young, so anyone my own age isn't interested. They hear I have THREE kids and they bolt. The older men don't have anything in common with me and so I can't see that happening. I just feel stuck and alone. I am just going through the motions right now. I did have hope before I knew about this baby, I seen him getting better. He was changing into the person he was six years ago again. Taking courses on anger management and getting his debts paid off. It is just really depressing to think he is doing this all for this new child and not his other's. Like I said, I am angry too. Angry at him for not doing his share in supporting the children he has and angry that I still love him. I was in a relationship with him for five years, but we were friends before that. So, it is like I lost my best friend and he didn't tell me something this important, just let me think things were fine. I was feeling good for him, he was getting his life on track and I was glad for that. I don't know. Your post sounded a little rude, whether intended it to or not, it did. I know that you can't explain how you are talking through writing, so I don't know if you were or not. I don't know.

I can't explain everything on this board. I guess I was just looking for someone to tell me it will be okay. As lame as that is, I just need someone to tell me that my feelings are not stupid. I only have one true friend and she isn't that supportive right now. She just tells me he is a jerk and I shouldn't be upset. I know I SHOULDN'T be, but I am. I can't help how I feel.

Please don't question my ability to be a productive parent, because I am proud of the fact that I work my rear off every day, getting up at three in the morning, going to work sick, with tooth infection that is killing me, doing a man's job, making more money than most women in this field and I did it on my own for my kids. I survive for my kids. I sometimes need a little support for myself and I am not just talking financially, I need someone to comfort me and I don't have that. I don't know... I guess I will just shut up now. I get a little defensive when I feel like my parenting skills are being questioned. That is the only thing I know I am doing right at this moment. I just can't stand having so much running through my brain, I feel like I am going to explode.

I'm sorry. Maybe I am pathetic, but I am doing the best I can for my children and everything I do is for them, with or without any help from anyone else.

[meanon]

Yes medication can help and you should get it as soon as possible. You succeeded in getting this man out of your life and were beginning to feel better. What has happened since has eroded your ability to cope - a biochemical thing that can happen to any one of us in times of extreme stress.

 

The anger with him for what he did is healthy - wanting to be with him and envying his girlfiend is not - why is he now more attractive having treated you so badly? Why aren't you pitying his new girlfriend? Exclude him from your life for now, get well and look after yourself and your kids. Don't let this man continue to hurt you all.

[meanon]

Just read your last post. The confusion may well be a symptom of the depression/stress and should lessen with medication. You can still love him but not want to have anything to do with him ever again (other than child support) because you love yourself and your kids more. I'm sure you know this, that's why you left - you just need to stick with it and get help when you feel unable to cope. Good luck.

[brashgal]

Your feelings are what they are, you've been betrayed in a shocking way. It will take time to heal, don't beat yourself up about it. It sounds like you are doing the right things for now to try to get support for your kids. He can't keep changing jobs forever. And even though you CAN support them on your own, you shouldn't have to shoulder the financial burden all alone. In this economy noone's job is guaranteed so you need to do this 'just in case'.

 

Maybe if you write down everything that happened in your relationship with him that was negative you will see that he really isn't husband or even good father material. He may be getting his act together right now but there is no guarantee that he can keep it up. Yes, it seems that it would be ideal for him to stay with you since he is the father of two of your children but that's looking like a fairy tale scenario. Plus you'd always have to deal with the other mother. I know it seems like there are no men out there willing to take on a mother with 3 kids but I'll bet someone is out there. Right now, given the emotional shape you are in, it is probably too soon for you to be worrying about that.

 

Focus on making a good life for your kids and getting through the holidays - things will look a lot better as time goes on. There are a lot of us out there in similar situations - we feel for you and hope only the best for you.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by EmotionalWreck

I want to say that I do work a full time job and I am more than capable of caring for my kids on my own.

 

because I am proud of the fact that I work my rear off every day, getting up at three in the morning, going to work sick, with tooth infection that is killing me, doing a man's job, making more money than most women in this field and I did it on my own for my kids. I survive for my kids. I sometimes need a little support for myself and I am not just talking financially,

 

but I am doing the best I can for my children and everything I do is for them, with or without any help from anyone else.

 

Emotional,

I think at one point or another....I've made all the same comments, even on this forum, so I DO understand what you are saying. It's not just about finances.....it's feeling like the energizer bunny....you just keep going and going with no break in site. The past 2 weeks is the first time I've had more than 2 days off in a row in a YEAR! Usually, I work 9, then take 1-2 days off. I've found chasing down child support...just isn't worth it. I can't miss the time from work.

 

I said all that because I don't want you to feel like you are alone in this overwhelming feeling you are going thru. There are no 'relief' answers, there is no way for you to turn it around....it's just the way it is. I don't know the ages of your children....but in case they are young....it doesn't get any easier once they are teens. Sometimes it just feels like life sucks! Especially when you see women who have a man to do everything for them. It's annoying as hell!

 

Then, to add to all the exhaustion and aggravation, you are still in love with the AssClown who treated you badly. I went thru that at the end of last year. I thought my heart was really going to stop beating a time or two. I was incredibly sad!!!! Time DOES make it better though. I always end up posting that....but it's the only cure available. You just keep preservering along....and one day it's not such a sharp pain in your chest. It's just a Frigged Up memory. No matter how you feel right now, EmotionalWreck, it WILL get better.

 

So when you throw all this in one emotional pot...you've got kids, a demanding job, little time to yourself, have to make all the decisions alone, a broken heart and 3 kids.....YOU BET you feel like an emotional wreck...and with darn good reason!!!

 

There is no magic wand to relieve you from a very full plate. I suspect though, you are strong enough and determined enough to keep going....even if you have to do it all by yourself. You will do it....BECAUSE YOU CAN! I have great confidence in women like us. We may end up old and bitter....but we'll survive. HAHA!

 

My net friends provide great comfort and entertainment for me. Make some friends in this forum....or somewhere....just to give yourself an 'adult' break from time to time.

 

Arabess

[EmotionalWreck]

I want to first tell you all thank you so much for responding. Secondly, I want to apologize for not responding sooner. I haven’t had time to get online in awhile. I work two full time jobs and time seems to fly by so quickly, I didn’t even realize that it had been a week since I posted that thread. I did read the reply’s the following morning, I was just on my way to work and didn’t have time to write back and thank you all.

 

Meanon, Thank you so much for reading and rationalizing everything for me at a time when I was drowning in my own stupid self pity. I appreciate it and I see where you are coming from. But, I honestly think I was just overly stressed (which is often the case in my life) and we all get down from time to time, especially with the holidays. I don’t really think this is an ongoing feeling that I am going to have to deal with. I am now over the initial shock of the news I was given and I have been feeling sorry for this young girl (who I just found out is 18).

 

I finally met with her without my ex being around and, my gosh, she is a complete airhead (for lack of a better word). You see, my ex lives with an older woman who rents the upstairs to him and the lady is a friend of mine also, I explained to her that it hurt me that she didn’t tell me about “Jane” being pregnant. My friend, “Ann” told me that she was sorry for not telling me but that was something my ex, “Dave”, wanted to tell me himself. But now that Ann knows the cats out of the bag, she is more than happy to explain to me, in great detail, all about their ‘relationship’ and it isn’t as glamorous as I had imagined it to be. He is the same old AssClown (as Arabess so delicately phrased it) and he hasn’t changed much. Apparently, he treats this girl as if she were a child and scolds her when she doesn’t do something his way. He tried to do that to me when we were together and it frustrated the hell out of me!

 

But, he has always gone for the younger girls. I was 19 (almost 20) when we got together and he is just repeating the cycle. What he has yet to understand is that 18 and 19 year old girls grow up and get wise. I sat down with Jane and Ann and tried to explain to Jane what type of hell she was going to have to live through if she didn’t get out of this relationship and quick. She is young and naïve, as I was when I was her age, and believes everything Dave tells her. She even speaks about living in a house with a fenced in yard and having more children!! I wanted so badly to slap her upside her head and shout, “Hey STUPID! Lookie over here, I have two of his kids and his other ex wife has 1 of his children and he can’t even SUPPORT THEM! How in the heck can you even FATHOM having more kids by this moron?!?! He can’t even pay for the THREE he already has!” She just doesn’t get it.

But I know Dave, he is a charmer and a manipulator. He could sell ice cubes to Eskimo’s and ketchup Popsicle’s to women in white gloves. He could convince someone the sky was green and the grass was blue if he wanted to. He has the ability to make you feel sorry for him if he wants you to, love him when you don’t and he can make you believe anything he tells you. He is just that beguiling.

Brashgal, I know it is too soon for me to be worrying about another relationship. I went the last ten years, hoping from one relationship to the next. Never giving myself time to heal. Always trying to fill the void in my heart. I understand now that that kind of behavior isn’t healthy. A person needs time to heal before they can move on to the next potential heartbreaker. As I said, I sometimes feel lonely and in need of companionship. Which, in reality, I believe that is all I miss about Dave. I miss the companionship. I miss the feeling of someone knowing me and talking with me. Dave and I had a lot of great conversations, between the arguments we had some wonderful times. I will cherish those times we had, but I have to remind myself constantly that the good times we had, as beautiful as they were, cannot begin to make up for all of the frighteningly awful times we had together.

 

At work, my group leader is like a big brother to me and he knows when I am upset and he could tell, even though I try hard not to show it, he knew something was bothering me. He took me aside and gave me a good wake up call. I am happy that he did. Along with all of you here that cared enough to respond, which I read the same morning he talked with me, and him, I have been able to cope a whole lot better. I know that someday, maybe later than sooner, I will find someone who truly deserves me. My self-esteem isn’t up to par just yet, but I am growing and healing with each day that goes by and eventually I will be prepared and ready to venture forward and seek out another man. Until then, I am happy being with my children and myself. It is hard, but I am doing it.

 

Arabess, I have to say, your response put a smile on my face. You DO truly understand what it is like and you made me laugh. You helped motivate me on my way to work and because of your encouragement I was able to put myself in first gear that morning. Thank you. You are truly an amazing woman. The road we have to travel is full of speed bumps and potholes, but darn it, we take it on and continue to stay on it without finding ourselves in the ditch. How do we do it? God only knows, but we do! I work hard during the weekdays at a RV company in the service department. I have tools I don’t even know the name of! I fix plumbing, gas leaks, cabinet glides, refrigerators and toilets. I pull out windows, replace them with new. I replace walls, I stripe them, I seal them, I clean them and I do the quality control on them. I do all that, along with a crap load of anything and everything else that ever goes wrong on RV’s… Then I come home for a couple of hours. During this time I do homework with my 2nd grader, play Barbie’s with my 2 year old, read books with my 4 year old, make dinner, take a quick shower, throw on some make-up and go to another job and wait on tables until ten thirty. I do feel like the energizer bunny!! I barely have time to spend alone and yet I got all of my Christmas shopping done (which I went a bit overboard with this year, I call my Discover card my boyfriend DC, and DC helped a little with Christmas this year)… But this is the first year my kids and I are going to spend without a Daddy around, so I splurged. I am proud of myself though, I did it on my own… a little help from DC, but I am paying him back and I know I will survive. I do still feel a little depressed about being alone, without Dave for some reason, now that it is Christmas, but I am not dwelling on it. I am keeping my chin up and smiling. I sometimes feel like the world's greatest actor and I should get an oscar or something... But I know it is just the season that is making me upset for now.

 

Thank you all so much for reading and helping me. It gives me hope to know that there are people out there that are supportive and were willing to give some very useful advice in a time of great need. I wish you all the best and Happy Holidays.

 

If you don’t mind my asking, is there a place on this forum to just chat about basically nothing? I would love to meet some people to just talk to from time to time. Arabess, your suggestion to make friends on this forum seems like a wise thing to do. Everyone here seems so friendly. I read through some of the posts already and I will reply to them when I get the chance. I will register and post to let you all know whatever name I come up with. I don’t think I want to be stuck with EmotionalWreck forever…

 

Thanks Again!!

[BENJANINTHEBLUE]

Here is the weird thing. You still love somone who is unfaithful to you. Love is centered around trust. You ideas of love must be shallow. Love is not missing someone , being lonely, great sex ect ect....LOVE IS BUILT ON TRUST AND IT HAS BEEN DESTROYED...MOVE ON! Faithfulness is a genetic thing...look for someone who has no divorces in there family. TRUST ME!!!