Wishing the OW well?

[boomboom63]

Not at all - He is a scumbag and WAS a friend (for 20 years i thought of him as a really close friend) I never want to see him or his F***ed up family again - Neither does my W.

 

I'm working on complete indifference towards him but he may be a psychopath and I have business ties with him and several close mutual friends (including my Brother in Law) so although there will be no contact between us - I will continue to hear about him. Eventually there will be an end to the business connections. Then I can achieve indifference towards him. Maybe Ii'll forgive him in a couple of hundred years. My W on the other hand did OWN her part of it and has been honest and remorseful so she gets the saintly and forgiving part of me.

 

LS helped me realise that there are some people out there who would stoop so low for whatever reason - before I thought it was only in farfetched and exaggerated tv drama's.

 

Anyone got the Karma bus timetable? I want to be there when it calls on him.

[MizFit]

If your WS had a string of one night stands for 6 months would you look up every one of those APs and blame them, or would you put all of the blame on the WS? It is the WS that did the cheating...if he decides to end the A and move on and the AP does the same, why do you need to be anything but neutral about them? The bad person...the culprit...the one who betrayed and needs forgiving is under your roof. It doesn't matter who they did it with...they did it.

 

If an AP becomes vindictive then all bets are off, but I say the same if the BS becomes vindictive.

[turnstone]

Oh I'm quite happy to lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of all involved.

 

And who said anything about being vindictive?

 

But on that note, the OW have messed with me, my marriage and my life, all without my consent. That's why all bets are off.

[eeyore1981]

If your WS had a string of one night stands for 6 months would you look up every one of those APs and blame them, or would you put all of the blame on the WS? It is the WS that did the cheating...if he decides to end the A and move on and the AP does the same, why do you need to be anything but neutral about them? The bad person...the culprit...the one who betrayed and needs forgiving is under your roof. It doesn't matter who they did it with...they did it.

 

If an AP becomes vindictive then all bets are off, but I say the same if the BS becomes vindictive.

 

BBM

 

This seems very hypocritical to me. If a woman knowingly sleeps with my husband, knowing he is married, whether she knows me or not, she is still taking action which is going to cause me pain and misery, and she knows that. Even if her main goal is to try to hook my husband, it is still intent on her part to cause me pain, so why in the hell would I feel neutral about a person like that? She, by her actions, makes herself a bad person. She is responsible for her actions.

 

If my husband has ONS with women who know he is married, then yes, same feelings. These women did wrong, and are responsible for their actions.

 

IMO, adultery is not a pie where cutting a piece for the AP takes away from what belongs to the cheater. My husband is 100% at fault for having an affair, and the whore is 100% responsible for having a relationship with what she knew to be a married man.

 

I have every right to be vindictive towards her. She had no right to mess around with my husband, my marriage, and my life, and my advice to her has been to be a little bit more careful in the future of who she messes with.

[MizFit]

BBM

 

This seems very hypocritical to me. If a woman knowingly sleeps with my husband, knowing he is married, whether she knows me or not, she is still taking action which is going to cause me pain and misery, and she knows that. Even if her main goal is to try to hook my husband, it is still intent on her part to cause me pain, so why in the hell would I feel neutral about a person like that? She, by her actions, makes herself a bad person. She is responsible for her actions.

 

If my husband has ONS with women who know he is married, then yes, same feelings. These women did wrong, and are responsible for their actions.

 

IMO, adultery is not a pie where cutting a piece for the AP takes away from what belongs to the cheater. My husband is 100% at fault for having an affair, and the whore is 100% responsible for having a relationship with what she knew to be a married man.

 

I have every right to be vindictive towards her. She had no right to mess around with my husband, my marriage, and my life, and my advice to her has been to be a little bit more careful in the future of who she messes with.

 

The husband invited her into the marriage. Sometimes with lies and promises and sometimes not. No matter which way you cut the pie the WS is the one who did it...if it wasn't her it would have been someone else or the internet or a whore or one night stands. My point is it is the WS who causes the problems and while you're free to feel whatever you want...why would you have that much feeling for someone who was invited by someone you trusted?

[Brokenlady]

The husband invited her into the marriage. Sometimes with lies and promises and sometimes not. No matter which way you cut the pie the WS is the one who did it...if it wasn't her it would have been someone else or the internet or a whore or one night stands. My point is it is the WS who causes the problems and while you're free to feel whatever you want...why would you have that much feeling for someone who was invited by someone you trusted?

 

The ex-wife (fBS) in my case told DM that she placed the blame on me because "it is easier to hate someone you don't know." I'm sure it is easier to shift anger from the cheating spouse to the OW because the BS has to live with the WS everyday and the OW is theoretically out of their lives (assuming they reconcile).

[eeyore1981]

The husband invited her into the marriage. Sometimes with lies and promises and sometimes not. No matter which way you cut the pie the WS is the one who did it...if it wasn't her it would have been someone else or the internet or a whore or one night stands. My point is it is the WS who causes the problems and while you're free to feel whatever you want...why would you have that much feeling for someone who was invited by someone you trusted?

 

Using metaphors doesn't change the facts of what happened. You 'invite' people to your home, you 'invite' people to a party, you can even 'invite' people to your wedding, but a marriage is not something people get 'invited' into. An invitation is a means of welcoming someone to share something with you. Even swingers aren't inviting someone into their marriage, they are inviting someone to have a relationship with them outside their marriage.

 

If my husband invited another woman into my home and told her to take a dump on my pillow, lying to her and telling her I like it when that happens, my advice is she better ok it with me before she squats. Otherwise, she better watch her back.

 

IMO, it is sheer stupidity and utter folly for a person to get involved with a married person behind the spouses back, and expect no repercussions. Actions have consequences. If you act in an immoral and unethical way, don't come crying to me when you pay the price for it.

[Brokenlady]

If a woman knowingly sleeps with my husband, knowing he is married, whether she knows me or not, she is still taking action which is going to cause me pain and misery, and she knows that. Even if her main goal is to try to hook my husband, it is still intent on her part to cause me pain

 

It might be helpful to distinguish between primary intent and secondary intent. Obviously the primary intent was to get your H's love and affection. I don't think OW set out wanting to cause BS's pain, but it is admittedly a known and inevitable consequence. At best, that makes intent to hurt you a secondary intent - it is merely a consequence of the primary motivation, not a motivator in itself.

 

There seems to be a feeling of 'how could the OW do this to ME (a BS)', but for what it is worth, it usually isn't about you. The affair relationship is a seperate relationship itself, just like the marriage, and the W isn't in it. So she's not a concern to the people in the A relationship. Likewise, when the OW gets dumped by a WS after D-day, she (the OW) is not much of a concern (nor should she be), to the BS and her H.

 

The ex-wife and I have both injured each other. I, by cheating with the man who was her H. I'd rather not spell out the things she's done to me, and one could argue I deserved it as a consequence of my actions. At any rate, I do hope that she finds happiness. In part because I never wished ill upon her and I think she deserves happiness for her and the children's sake, and in part because I know she'll stop trying to hook her xH back in.

[MizFit]

Using metaphors doesn't change the facts of what happened. You 'invite' people to your home, you 'invite' people to a party, you can even 'invite' people to your wedding, but a marriage is not something people get 'invited' into. An invitation is a means of welcoming someone to share something with you. Even swingers aren't inviting someone into their marriage, they are inviting someone to have a relationship with them outside their marriage.

 

If my husband invited another woman into my home and told her to take a dump on my pillow, lying to her and telling her I like it when that happens, my advice is she better ok it with me before she squats. Otherwise, she better watch her back.

 

IMO, it is sheer stupidity and utter folly for a person to get involved with a married person behind the spouses back, and expect no repercussions. Actions have consequences. If you act in an immoral and unethical way, don't come crying to me when you pay the price for it.

 

You're welcome to your opinion...people are invited to executions, people are invited to memorial services...I was invited into my MMs marriage. I was invited to his home, to his vacation home, into all of their vehicles, to an event his daughter was participating in. I was invited to hotels and weekends away and hikes and vacations...I was there during phone calls with his wife...no matter how you cut it he invited me into the marriage.

 

If I ever choose to cheat on a SO I will not come crying to you. In the ending of my A I explained on here what happened, but I went crying to my girlfriends. I cried to them because someone I loved was out of my life...

 

Watching my back...if someone starts something with me I will finish it. The W doesn't scare me in the least...I will never start something (God knows as an OW I have had so many opportunities) but if she attacks me I will respond.

[turnstone]

You already started it by inviting yourself into her life. Don't be surprised if she finishes it.

[eeyore1981]

It might be helpful to distinguish between primary intent and secondary intent. Obviously the primary intent was to get your H's love and affection. I don't think OW set out wanting to cause BS's pain, but it is admittedly a known and inevitable consequence. At best, that makes intent to hurt you a secondary intent - it is merely a consequence of the primary motivation, not a motivator in itself.

 

There seems to be a feeling of 'how could the OW do this to ME (a BS)', but for what it is worth, it usually isn't about you. The affair relationship is a seperate relationship itself, just like the marriage, and the W isn't in it. So she's not a concern to the people in the A relationship. Likewise, when the OW gets dumped by a WS after D-day, she (the OW) is not much of a concern (nor should she be), to the BS and her H.

 

The ex-wife and I have both injured each other. I, by cheating with the man who was her H. I'd rather not spell out the things she's done to me, and one could argue I deserved it as a consequence of my actions. At any rate, I do hope that she finds happiness. In part because I never wished ill upon her and I think she deserves happiness for her and the children's sake, and in part because I know she'll stop trying to hook her xH back in.

 

If I was driving down the road, and I was so sleepy I couldn't keep my eyes open, but I CHOSE to go ahead and keep driving because I just wanted to get home, I am responsible if I end up having a wreck. You think any people who may get injured because of my choice care if it was my intent? Because it wasn't my intent, does that make anyone any less injured? When people make a choice to act in a way that can hurt others, if others do get hurt, they are responsible.

 

I don't think whore messed around with my H because she had it in for me. She knew about me and decided to not give a s**t about me. Her mistake. My feeling like this does not shift any of the blame off of my H and onto her. He is not less culpable than he would have been had OW been someone who had no idea he was married.

[MizFit]

You already started it by inviting yourself into her life. Don't be surprised if she finishes it.

 

I didn't invite myself...the doors were open and the invitations sent by the person who shares it with her. Her gripe is with the man she let back in her home...she's welcome to do what she wishes-it's a free country. I have the same freedom however.

[MizFit]

If I was driving down the road, and I was so sleepy I couldn't keep my eyes open, but I CHOSE to go ahead and keep driving because I just wanted to get home, I am responsible if I end up having a wreck. You think any people who may get injured because of my choice care if it was my intent? Because it wasn't my intent, does that make anyone any less injured? When people make a choice to act in a way that can hurt others, if others do get hurt, they are responsible.

 

I don't think whore messed around with my H because she had it in for me. She knew about me and decided to not give a s**t about me. Her mistake. My feeling like this does not shift any of the blame off of my H and onto her. He is not less culpable than he would have been had OW been someone who had no idea he was married.

 

If you're holding him responsible why on earth are you still with him and trying to sort things (haven't read back posts, but assuming from how this is written) and throwing all of your vitriol out to her?

[turnstone]

You're spending an inordinate amount of time and effort in trying to justify what you did/are doing. Go on like this much longer and soon you'll be telling us he forced you into it, you poor innocent little thing you.

[eeyore1981]

You're welcome to your opinion...people are invited to executions, people are invited to memorial services...I was invited into my MMs marriage. I was invited to his home, to his vacation home, into all of their vehicles, to an event his daughter was participating in. I was invited to hotels and weekends away and hikes and vacations...I was there during phone calls with his wife...no matter how you cut it he invited me into the marriage.

 

If I ever choose to cheat on a SO I will not come crying to you. In the ending of my A I explained on here what happened, but I went crying to my girlfriends. I cried to them because someone I loved was out of my life...

 

Watching my back...if someone starts something with me I will finish it. The W doesn't scare me in the least...I will never start something (God knows as an OW I have had so many opportunities) but if she attacks me I will respond.

 

You were invited into MM's marriage? Really? So you actually had interactions with MM's wife, where she knew who you were and what you were doing with her husband? When you were invited to his home, was his wife there? All the other places, was his wife there? When he was on the phone with her, did you have any part of the conversation, or did you sit there quietly so she wouldn't know you were there? If you were actually invited into this marriage, why did you not let your presence be known to the other part of the marriage? Because a marriage is not one person, it is two, and if your MM's wife had no clue of your existance, you were not invited into her marriage. An execution, a memorial service, if you are invited and choose to go, then people see you and are aware you are there. But you aren't going to see the difference, because you need to feel like you did nothing wrong. Knock yourself out.

[MizFit]

You're spending an inordinate amount of time and effort in trying to justify what you did/are doing. Go on like this much longer and soon you'll be telling us he forced you into it, you poor innocent little thing you.

 

I'm spending no more time than you are...I'm not justifying what I did because I don't feel I need to. He didn't force me into it and no one forced him into it either...

 

Little...no, innocent...not on your life.

[turnstone]

I'm spending no more time than you are...I'm not justifying what I did because I don't feel I need to. He didn't force me into it and no one forced him into it either...

 

Little...no, innocent...not on your life.

 

That's obvious.

 

And I'm not justifying anything, I don't have a guilty conscience.

[Spark1111]

I find it amazing how some people have no moral compass or sense of ethics because they were pursued by a married person and became "swept away for love...."

 

I have many male and female friends, divorced, single, and widowed who would not ENGAGE with a MP no matter what he/she said, did, or scmoozed to them.

 

They would first, and foremost, be repulsed that he was even trying to have a relationship with them while married, or even in a committed relationship with a SO. Hell, most I know won't even see separated people because of all the ensuing marital baggage still on the table.

 

Or, are they simply more empathetic in the realization of all the other people who would be hurt in an affair situation?

 

Perhaps, they have more self-esteem?

 

What does it say about the character of such a person? And if they do it WITH YOU, isn't it obvious they could do it TO YOU?

 

You can't be INVITED into someone's MARRIAGE without the consent of the two people in the marriage.

 

Hell, if I had a secret relationship with your boyfriend, wouldn't you harbor some ill will towards me?

 

It takes two, in secrecy, to betray an unknowing spouse. The spouse is then free to be angry at whoever he or she wants to, IMHO.

[MizFit]

You were invited into MM's marriage? Really? So you actually had interactions with MM's wife, where she knew who you were and what you were doing with her husband? When you were invited to his home, was his wife there? All the other places, was his wife there? When he was on the phone with her, did you have any part of the conversation, or did you sit there quietly so she wouldn't know you were there? If you were actually invited into this marriage, why did you not let your presence be known to the other part of the marriage? Because a marriage is not one person, it is two, and if your MM's wife had no clue of your existance, you were not invited into her marriage. An execution, a memorial service, if you are invited and choose to go, then people see you and are aware you are there. But you aren't going to see the difference, because you need to feel like you did nothing wrong. Knock yourself out.

 

I was invited by one party I was invited. What he chose to do with the information is his decision. I did not make myself known, but that was at his request. I would have been absolutely fine to say something if he'd have wanted it public or shared.

 

I've been invited to many things where it was 1 party in a couple or group that did the inviting...no matter how you cut it-the MM brought me in and controlled how much it was infringing on their lives.

 

I don't feel like I did anything wrong...he did.

 

I was a BS years ago and never blamed the OW-she wasn't the one who cheated on me. My mother was cheated on by my father for 30 years of their marriage-she always blamed my father and not once the OW. The issue is the spouse/SO that takes the decision to go outside the marriage.

 

I do apologize for disagreeing, but that's life. It's not as though I'm doing it from just 1 side...

[MizFit]

That's obvious.

 

And I'm not justifying anything, I don't have a guilty conscience.

 

Neither do I...also, the lack of innocence is from a lifetime-I don't include my A in it at all.

[turnstone]

Look at your history, its no wonder you've turned out that way! Thanks for sharing, it explains a lot.

[whichwayisup]

The husband invited her into the marriage. Sometimes with lies and promises and sometimes not

 

Did he hold a gun to her head? NO. It was a choice. Knowing full well that the other person is/was married. And yeah, sometimes with lies, but again, when you know one is married and looking outside of the marriage, shouldn't that be a BIG RED FLAG? It all comes down to choices and each person who chooses to be in an affair are responsible and can't blame anyone else but themselves.

[MizFit]

I find it amazing how some people have no moral compass or sense of ethics because they were pursued by a married person and became "swept away for love...."

 

I have many male and female friends, divorced, single, and widowed who would not ENGAGE with a MP no matter what he/she said, did, or scmoozed to them.

 

They would first, and foremost, be repulsed that he was even trying to have a relationship with them while married, or even in a committed relationship with a SO. Hell, most I know won't even see separated people because of all the ensuing marital baggage still on the table.

 

Or, are they simply more empathetic in the realization of all the other people who would be hurt in an affair situation?

 

Perhaps, they have more self-esteem?

 

What does it say about the character of such a person? And if they do it WITH YOU, isn't it obvious they could do it TO YOU?

 

You can't be INVITED into someone's MARRIAGE without the consent of the two people in the marriage.

 

Hell, if I had a secret relationship with your boyfriend, wouldn't you harbor some ill will towards me?

 

It takes two, in secrecy, to betray an unknowing spouse. The spouse is then free to be angry at whoever he or she wants to, IMHO.

 

Trust me I have no self esteem issues...an invitation does not take 2 people...I was a BS and no I harbored no ill will towards her at all. Bit more explanation in another posting here.

 

My xMM cheating on me...he never lied to me that he would leave for me. He had no intention of going. And if we had ended up together, no, I would not have been scared of it. After being very close to him for 6 months I totally trust the fact he'd not had another affair previously. If being together had been a real possibility I may feel differently about that.

 

By the way...you have no idea my moral compass. This is one facet in my life and you're choosing to not remove your blinkers to see what I'm saying...you're welcome to judge because everyone does it. At the end of the day it's how you see the person in the mirror that matters.

[MizFit]

Did he hold a gun to her head? NO. It was a choice. Knowing full well that the other person is/was married. And yeah, sometimes with lies, but again, when you know one is married and looking outside of the marriage, shouldn't that be a BIG RED FLAG? It all comes down to choices and each person who chooses to be in an affair are responsible and can't blame anyone else but themselves.

 

I don't think there are many invitations given where a gun is held to anyones head. She was invited...

[eeyore1981]

If you're holding him responsible why on earth are you still with him and trying to sort things (haven't read back posts, but assuming from how this is written) and throwing all of your vitriol out to her?

 

Maybe you should read again. This thread is asking about if anyone wishes the OW well. I am addressing my feelings in this thread about the OW, however, again, with reading comprehension you will see I have clearly stated in at least 2 posts, if not more, I hold my H fully responsible for his actions.

 

I'm not 'throwing all my vitriol out to her'. Again, reading comprehension is a great thing. My H's affair is not separated out by it is this % his fault and this % her fault. It is more of on a scale of 1 to 10, what he did to me is a 10, and what she did to me is a 6. Get it?

 

As far as why I am still with him, if you are really interested, you can read my posts about it. That's not what this thread is about.