"Put the husband first, then the children"- what does this mean?

December 1, 2009

I saw this on another thread, and am wondering what exactly it means. I'm asking for people to be very specific when they answer and give examples. Thanks.

December 1, 2009

My input....

If a wife puts her children first, then the marriage comes second and the partnership becomes a competition.

It is necessary that BOTH parents put their children at the top of the list, but if one puts the children above the spouse, then the children will suffer when the marriage dies.

Having said that, the husband must realize that mothers naturally will protect their children and care for them. A mother cannot put her husband first and by doing so NEGLECT her children. This would be wrong.

A mother must never forget she is a wife. A father must never forget he is a husband...and he must never forget that his wife is now a mother.

December 1, 2009

Put your marriage first. It's not a hard concept imo.

The way I look at it is my children will grow up and leave me. I don't want my husband to ever leave. Therefore, my marriage has to be a higher priority to me than my relationship with my children. That's not to say I neglect my kids. I just make more of an effort to keep my husband happy than I do my children. He is the king.

December 1, 2009

Angie,

I also wasn't quite sure what that meant, but IMO I took it as... have sex when the kids are still awake, just be low key....

December 1, 2009

Can you post the link to that thread? In what context are you talking about by putting the husband first?

Yes, a spouse should come first, but there are times children HAVE to be first priority, depending on what's going on.

December 1, 2009

If Mom and Dad are okay then the children will be okay.

December 1, 2009

I think we can flip this around to say that men shouldn't expect to automatically be given priority every single time. Because as another poster pointed out, the kids should be a priority with BOTH parents, not just the one (be it mom or dad) who nurtures them.

I like this best: A mother must never forget she is a wife. A father must never forget he is a husband...and he must never forget that his wife is now a mother.

December 1, 2009

What this means is that you consider your husband's desires before the kids desires.

Example, if you are serving dinner to your family, serve the food to your husband before your kids. It is a sign of respect that your husband will notice, but your kids will likely not even pay attention to. Plus, the 30 seconds difference in time that your kids will have to wait before they get to eat will have no impact on them whatsoever, but it shows the kids that the husband (and most likely the bread winner) has rank and privilege over the kids. It sets up the family dynamic properly so that the kids do not mistakenly believe that they are more important than the parents that feed, clothe, and shelter them.

If there is a conflict about a simple choice (whether to buy chocolate or vanilla ice cream, for example), go with what your husband wants rather than what your kids want. It again shows that the adults have more say so than the kids. I could go on and on, but remember your husband will likely want to be nice and please his own children too. So in many of the cases he will just say do whatever the kids want as he likely does not really care, but by just giving him the choice first, it goes a long way to show that you respect his wishes.

What seems to be happening in so many families is that the wife bends over backward to make sure that the kids are as comfortable and stress free as possible. She gives in to the children's every whim and then has no energy to do anything for the husband. Then, the wife will make a statement along the lines of, "I do all of this for you and the family." But in reality, the husband doesn't want the wife to do about half of the things that she does for the kids (spoiling them by carting them around all over the place, or entertaining them all day long rather than forcing them to use their own imagination, etc).

So in the end the wife is exhausted from doing things that the husband doesn't really care if she does or not, and then she states that she is doing it all for him and the family, yet she has no energy left for intimacy, which will be number 1 on his list if the relationship is lacking in this department (think of it like a bottle of water for someone stuck in a desert. Normally, you wouldn't think twice about a bottle of water, but withhold it long enough....)

If she would put her husbands needs first, then when she was out of energy the activity that would be left out might be that she doesn't sit around playing children's games with them all day long, or maybe she only takes the kids to the park rather than to the park and the mall.

That extra effort to spoil the kids while neglecting the husband creates two undesirable effects: it turns the kids turn into needly little brats and turns the husband into a needly little pervert.

Edited December 1, 2009 by OneTwo

December 1, 2009

I think it all depends what the context is...

I would always ALWAYS put the kids' safety and well-being before any partners.

so... IMO.. the kids' happiness should always be the priority.. they didn't ask to be there.. had no choice... as for the partners..they chose to be together..

December 1, 2009

Angie,

I also wasn't quite sure what that meant, but IMO I took it as... have sex when the kids are still awake, just be low key....

LOL! I'm wondering. My husband only likes it during the afternoon or early evening. Lately we've been doing 5 minute quickies while the kids stay down stairs watching a show.

December 1, 2009

I can't speak from a woman's perspective, but, when my dad came home from work, he was immediately my mom's priority and she his, then they attended to the needs and desires of tricycle boy, whether that was seeing how his day was going or gathering him up from the neighborhood milieu for dinner. The M came first. Tricycle boy never wanted for much. Sadly, I've been ineffective in finding a compatible partner in that regard. Perhaps that is a time and a dynamic which is lost upon who we have become.

I recall, during my many years of singledom, dating women who loudly proclaimed 'the children come first' as if it were a battle cry, not even in response to a dating situation. I thought 'OK, then marry the children'. I believed them and moved on

December 1, 2009

Can you post the link to that thread? In what context are you talking about by putting the husband first?

Yes, a spouse should come first, but there are times children HAVE to be first priority, depending on what's going on.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t211781/

I hope this comes out right.

December 1, 2009

I think we can flip this around to say that men shouldn't expect to automatically be given priority every single time. Because as another poster pointed out, the kids should be a priority with BOTH parents, not just the one (be it mom or dad) who nurtures them.

I like this best: A mother must never forget she is a wife. A father must never forget he is a husband...and he must never forget that his wife is now a mother.

I like this post and the line it quotes.

December 1, 2009

What this means is that you consider your husband's desires before the kids desires.

Example, if you are serving dinner to your family, serve the food to your husband before your kids. It is a sign of respect that your husband will notice, but your kids will likely not even pay attention to. Plus, the 30 seconds difference in time that your kids will have to wait before they get to eat will have no impact on them whatsoever, but it shows the kids that the husband (and most likely the bread winner) has rank and privilege over the kids. It sets up the family dynamic properly so that the kids do not mistakenly believe that they are more important than the parents that feed, clothe, and shelter them.

If there is a conflict about a simple choice (whether to buy chocolate or vanilla ice cream, for example), go with what your husband wants rather than what your kids want. It again shows that the adults have more say so than the kids. I could go on and on, but remember your husband will likely want to be nice and please his own children too. So in many of the cases he will just say do whatever the kids want as he likely does not really care, but by just giving him the choice first, it goes a long way to show that you respect his wishes.

What seems to be happening in so many families is that the wife bends over backward to make sure that the kids are as comfortable and stress free as possible. She gives in to the children's every whim and then has no energy to do anything for the husband. Then, the wife will make a statement along the lines of, "I do all of this for you and the family." But in reality, the husband doesn't want the wife to do about half of the things that she does for the kids (spoiling them by carting them around all over the place, or entertaining them all day long rather than forcing them to use their own imagination, etc).

So in the end the wife is exhausted from doing things that the husband doesn't really care if she does or not, and then she states that she is doing it all for him and the family, yet she has no energy left for intimacy, which will be number 1 on his list if the relationship is lacking in this department (think of it like a bottle of water for someone stuck in a desert. Normally, you wouldn't think twice about a bottle of water, but withhold it long enough....)

If she would put her husbands needs first, then when she was out of energy the activity that would be left out might be that she doesn't sit around playing children's games with them all day long, or maybe she only takes the kids to the park rather than to the park and the mall.

That extra effort to spoil the kids while neglecting the husband creates two undesirable effects: it turns the kids turn into needly little brats and turns the husband into a needly little pervert.

I don't agree with everything, but thanks for giving specific examples.

December 1, 2009

Angie, for me it's not the husband first, it's the relationship between us first. For specifics, I don't mean damn the kids, we're going to go have sex! Although that does sound fun...

I mean, let's say all four of my kids want to be in afterschool activities. Football, cheerleading, dance, music, art, soccer, whatever. And I know that shuffling all of them to all these things is going to leave me drained, too drained to be present for my husband, then guess who wins? Our relationship wins.

If H says, hey, you know what I'd really like for dinner tonight? A big bowl of your homemade sauce and noodles. And the kids say, eww, we want tacos instead! I make sauce, and do tacos the next day. Or if something unexpected happens (sick child, personal injury, whatever) that prevents me from making sauce and we end up eating take-out tacos instead, I make sauce as soon as I can. Because the relationship comes first.

It means protecting his down-time from child interruption (no, oh, but they WANT you, right now!) and he does the same for me, because that protects our relationship.

December 1, 2009

I see it this way in my marriage: there must always be energy and priority given to the marriage...to the relationship. I agree with lonely..it's not that the wife must defer to the husband or vice versa....but the relationship as husband and wife must be focused on as the most important relationship because it is the leadership of the family, and the model of relationship for the children.

So a specific example would be plans over the weekend. Say mom is with the kids on Thursday and everyone is talking about what they want to do. The kids want to go here and there. So considering that dad is not there mom would say "let me talk with your father and then WE will tell you what we decided." Then as mom and dad are talking he says that they have not had a date night in four weeks and that even though the kids want to go to a movie both weekend nights...one must be a date night. This is putting the relationship first.

I think that this is not always a big issue until it gets to the point where there is a serious breakdown in boundaries. In my clinical practice I often see this in couples that are having issues in the marriage and their teen children. Often mom or dad will align themselves with an older child and that child ends up having power that is equal to an adult in the family dynamic. This is often done as a covert and unconscious attack on the other spouse. This is a dangerous dynamic to set up as it severely interrupts the normal developmental patterns of all the children, and they often act out.

December 1, 2009

I don't know the thread that you're talking about but when people start believing that their needs always trump the family's needs, you've got a big problem.

Everyone should be prioritized, reliant on need and equity of needs. If one person has constant needs that need the rest of the family to feed them, look to narcissism and run like the wind!

December 1, 2009

I don't know the thread that you're talking about but when people start believing that their needs always trump the family's needs, you've got a big problem.

Everyone should be prioritized, reliant on need and equity of needs. If one person has constant needs that need the rest of the family to feed them, look to narcissism and run like the wind!

No. Since when do reasonable people always put their own needs first. Sounds like a small frame of reference. If you step back and look at the entire picture, these things are probably more balanced than you may realize. Today is probably just a bad day.

December 1, 2009

No. Since when do reasonable people always put their own needs first. Sounds like a small frame of reference. If you step back and look at the entire picture, these things are probably more balanced than you may realize. Today is probably just a bad day.

Refer to the word "if" in my post. You're attempting to create an absolute out of something that's not, while adding a component as in "reasonable" that's not even mentioned.

December 1, 2009

I see it this way in my marriage: there must always be energy and priority given to the marriage...to the relationship. I agree with lonely..it's not that the wife must defer to the husband or vice versa....but the relationship as husband and wife must be focused on as the most important relationship because it is the leadership of the family, and the model of relationship for the children.

So a specific example would be plans over the weekend. Say mom is with the kids on Thursday and everyone is talking about what they want to do. The kids want to go here and there. So considering that dad is not there mom would say "let me talk with your father and then WE will tell you what we decided." Then as mom and dad are talking he says that they have not had a date night in four weeks and that even though the kids want to go to a movie both weekend nights...one must be a date night. This is putting the relationship first.

I think that this is not always a big issue until it gets to the point where there is a serious breakdown in boundaries. In my clinical practice I often see this in couples that are having issues in the marriage and their teen children. Often mom or dad will align themselves with an older child and that child ends up having power that is equal to an adult in the family dynamic. This is often done as a covert and unconscious attack on the other spouse. This is a dangerous dynamic to set up as it severely interrupts the normal developmental patterns of all the children, and they often act out.

I really like how you put this. It makes a lot of sense to me. I especially like the last paragraph, as I can relate. I think it is extremely important to have healthy bounderies between the parents and the kids.

December 1, 2009

Refer to the word "if" in my post. You're attempting to create an absolute out of something that's not, while adding a component as in "reasonable" that's not even mentioned.

hmmmm. grouchy today. That's fine. I like grouchy.

I was reading quickly, sorry. Huge pile of work on my desk. I'll check in later.

((((hugs))))

December 1, 2009

I don't know the thread that you're talking about but when people start believing that their needs always trump the family's needs, you've got a big problem.

Everyone should be prioritized, reliant on need and equity of needs. If one person has constant needs that need the rest of the family to feed them, look to narcissism and run like the wind!

Agreed. This sounds balanced to me.

December 1, 2009

Bottomline - The kids and their needs (normal needs, not greedy selfish needs) come first.

A husband and a wife should make special time for one another, go on date nights, drop the kids off at the grandparents for overnights, or get a babysitter for an evening out. As long as each spouse makes the effort to BE the husband, to BE the wife, lovers, friends and don't fall into the mommy/daddy trap 24/7, then life can be really good.

December 1, 2009

Child is ill and goes to hospital. It's serious. W is with the child. H is notified and rushes to hospital from distant work location (e.g fly across country). He arrives. W can: a. remain focused on child, acknowledging H's presence but in no way focusing on him and his feelings or b. Run to H to be comforted in her grief and concern or c. immediately go to H, embrace him and comfort him and acknowledge his grief and concern.

In the example, W has knowledge and time to process her emotions in real life. H has little to no knowledge and clarity about the reality of their child's condition. OK, I'll bet a feeling of which option is appropriate has developed. Now, switch the gender roles. Therein lies society's definition of gender. It's really interesting

I had pneumonia at five and nearly died. I was the child.

Note: there is no right and wrong here, IMO. There are merely compatible styles of loving, connecting and prioritizing. Each of us is different in those regards...

December 1, 2009

May I throw in option d?

Wife explains the situation to the husband and then the two comfort each other.

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"Put the husband first, then the children"- what does this mean?

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