I broke up with my not-boyfriend

[VenusInFurs]

First, let's call him 'H'. We're both 22.

 

I've known H for about two and a half years. For the first year and a half that I knew him I was in a relationship with a controlling paranoid compulsive liar, in fact I met him through the controlling paranoid compulsive liar. So H and I's relationship was strictly platonic as I was in a relationship and, even if I may have fancied him, I didn't admit it to myself. I was not sexually attracted to him at this stage.

 

Me and H became friends while I was dating ControllyParanoidy, and CP, of course, was jealous. CP and I's relationship ended, and it had nothing to do with H. Me and CP's relationship was too toxic and pointless for either of us to deal with and so I broke up with him.

 

H supported me through this, however, it soon became clear that H was attracted to me and wanted some jiggy jiggy.

 

Eventually I gave in, having needs of my own and also realising that HEY! H actually is VERY good looking, affectionate and he and I get along great!

 

Now I was conflicted, as I really liked him but had all these other thoughts like 'I've just come out of a long and ****ed up relationship, it's too soon to be doing this' and 'having sex is ruining our friendship'. However, I ignored these thoughts as I loved spending time with H so much, and now found him so attractive and wonderful and all. that. jazz.

 

He did nice things like turn up at my house unexpectedly. Take me to the cinema. Buy me drinks. Have long conversations with me about, well, anything. So it wasn't just sex. We got along so well. He cooked for me! NO MAN HAS EVER COOKED FOR ME BEFORE!

 

So now I wanted this 'Friends With Extras' **** to become 'proper bonafide girlfriend and boyfriend' ****.

 

"I don't want a relationship," he said. I was hurt, of course, but somehow convinced myself that a casual thing is what I probably needed right now anyway. H said "I'm not using you, your my friend and I love you to pieces."

 

So, I continued on with this thing, still feeling conflicted at the back of my mind. H then lost his job and I supported him by lending him a little bit of money here and there, not a lot at all though as I don't earn much right now. But then I got all "**** you stop using me, I aint paying for that, or this and blah blah blah".

 

He got the message. We continued to hang out, he'd be at mine cooking for me and doing little things for me. I'd still get pissed about money though, and he wasn't trying hard enough to find a job. He'd get freelance work here and there, and always paid me back when he could, and when he did have money he'd try and treat me. But still.

 

So we were hanging out ALL THE TIME. And having fun with friends. It was great, relaxed, the best relationship I'd ever had, except... it wasn't called a relationship. And there was nothing close to 'lovey dovey' stuff... verbally. He never called me beautiful, or said anything romantic, and, in turn, neither did I.

 

But it had all the ingredients of a relationship. We hung out alot, really really liked eachother, provided emotional support for eachother, had sex often, did nice things for one another, and he never went with another woman and I never went with another man.

 

Friends said "It is a relationship, the way he looks at you, he loves you" and "he's just afraid of his own feelings"

 

His sister in law always referred to me as his girlfriend and she said "he just doesn't verbalise it".

 

His last, first and only relationship lasted five years and was with the craziest stupidest psycho bitch that ever lived. I met her before, she is a FRUIT LOOP.

 

So I'm thinking 'he's been put of relationships by that crazy chick'.

 

Now, often, when H and I are out together people say 'so what's going on, your not just friends are you?' To which H would tell them to shut up.

 

It happened again recently (at the weekend) and it was the final straw for me. On Sunday I told him I wanted him to call what we're doing what it is. A RELATIONSHIP.

 

H told me:

"I don't want a serious relationship"

"Everything will go wrong"

"I don't want the responsibility of being someone's boyfriend"

 

When I asked him what he felt about me he said:

"I don't put everything into words like you do"

 

I told him I want someone who would be proud to call me their girlfriend. I told him I wouldn't try and make him want to be with me, that I respect what he wants but that it has to be over from this point. But I didn't want to lose him as a best friend.

 

"Course not," he said, "you and I will be friends for ages"

 

Then I told him we should have a nice evening together, take a breather for a few weeks and see what happens. That night (Sunday) we had a nice evening. I left him downstairs with my housemate to go up to my room, get in my PJs and email someone. When I came downstairs he'd gone. I knew he had to go cos he had to feed his dog, and it was really late, but I got upset, cried, and called him.

 

"Aaaaw," he kept saying on the phone, "I thought you'd gone to bed. Don't worry we'll see eachother again soon! Have a shower, get into bed and have a spliff, you'll feel better"

 

After that I texted him what I wanted to say before he left which was "I love you". I explained that I just wanted to say it the once, before we have to try out this platonic thing.

 

I haven't contacted him since then and he hasn't contacted me and I feel like I'm in this weirdness where I'm happy and sad at the same time. I'm trying not to hope he might change his mind.

 

I just needed to vent. Your opinions and support would be muchos appreciated

[Denamarie]

Ya I just went through the same thing which is kinda funny. I left a post on it.

 

I had to just let it go. It wasn't fair that I liked him and he acted like that. I still struggle with it sometimes, but there is honestly nothing I can do about it I just have to let it go I guess.

[Lostme23]

I am in a very similar situation and I know how you feel. I guess just give it sometime and see if he comes back...

[VenusInFurs]

Hey thanks guys! Your posts mean a lot.

 

Denamarie, I read your thread. Like you, I'm coming to accept the fact that my guy (although nor really 'my') just doesn't like me enough either. It's pretty simple. If someone came along that made him go 'whoa' he'd be with them, no i-don't-want-a-serious-relationship, no bull**** like that. He'd be with them. He likes me, just not enough.

 

We've spoken on the phone since, but only because we had to. He had to do something for my housemate, which he promised to do prior to my ultimatum. He was being all friendly and jokey with me and asking me about my weekend. I was being extremely nonchalant. He invited me to go with him and my housemate - I told him 'what's the point'. I see no point in maintaining contact.

 

But I do have a plan - a final, subtle '**** you' as it were.

 

I'm going to buy loads of new clothes soon, get myself looking amazingly hot, and go around to his house next week to drop all the crap that he left at mine. I'm going to smile, be cordial, but stay there for the most minamal amount of time possible, but be there long enough for him to take in my stunning gorgeousness. So about 1-2 minutes should do.

 

I know it's kinda petty, but I have to drop his stuff off at some point so I may aswell do it in style!

 

Sure, this is hard. I miss his company. But in away, overall, I'm happy. I could have wasted more time on the arsehole.

[Leonard]

I was listening to an old cassette on my radio while I was reading this, and I've noticed that you and this song have something in common.

 

You got played.

 

I'm a guy, and have quite a few lady friends whom I spend time talking and watching movies and I do sometimes cook with them, but I don't try to get into bed with them.

Wether he has cooked for you isn't really anything special in my opinion, since it doesn't take much effort to cook something at all unless we're all lazy.

 

You're really quite pissed at him for the rejection for a deeper relationship, but both parties are at fault in a way. It's not his fault that you both have casual sex and never considered talking about why you both do it. I know the relationship isn't all about the sex, but it appears that you are in a f*ck buddy relationship, and that's how he sees it as well, to put it bluntly.

 

Don't dwell in this or take it out on him, take it as a life lesson like your previous relationships and move on. A proper relationship doesn't mean living together and having regular sex.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck and I hope you can find a way to solve this issue without hurting this guy too much.

[coralpearl76]

I am going through the same thing right now, except we haven't had sex. He doesn't want a relationship but I do. He was hurt in the past.

 

They have always said if you let it go and it comes back to to you then it was yours to begin with. Let him go and wait to see if he comes back to you. Sometimes men need to see what they had before they come back. It's sad to say but leave him alone. You are a woman keep your head up and smile. Nothing or no man should have us like this. We do have our needs and wants. We do need to feel loved and we need to be held- however just wait to see if he will come back in the mean time live your life. Don't text or call him.

[You'reasian]

Ladies,

 

we guys enjoy you. we do, but when we move on - we have to move on. have you ever been in a relationship where your mind told you it was time to move on, despite what your heart was feeling or vice versa?

 

I know I enjoyed the ex-gf very much and we cared for each other alot but if you're not on the same page in some areas, you can't continue forward.

 

I feel bad that I guarded my heart from my last girlfriend, but seeing how quick she recovered and hooked up with the next guy made me feel better about it. Don't know if that's right or not, but it is what it is and she's doing what she wants and needs to do.

 

May you ladies fall in love with a reciprocating partner once again

[VenusInFurs]

Things aren't always textbook. Around January, me and H made our relationship official. He even says he loves me! And he's got a job!

 

We're best friends and lovers, and although we have our down days, the ups are worth it. Back when I first posted this thread, I never imagined he'd ever want to call me his girlfriend. Backing off, in this case, seemed to make him think about what he really wanted.