dealing with the in-laws

[kampfy chair]

I recently got engaged, which of course I am thrilled about, but not so thrilled about the prospect of dealing with my future in-laws. My fiance's parents are divorced, and I've never had a problem getting along with his Mom, Step-Dad and half-siblings, but for some reason it feels like I've been at odds with his Dad, Step-mother and their children from the very beginning.

 

I'm a very easy-going person and rarely have trouble getting along with anyone, especially family members (and believe me, some of my family members are borderline insane and we still manage to keep the peace with them). But I have always felt like his Dad and Step-Mom have made an effort to be unfriendly to me. They are also very demanding of our time and get very upset if we do not visit regularly, but they will never make the effort to come to see us. My parents are halfway across the country and come to visit us at least twice a year, his are only about two hours away and have only visited us once in the past two years. They also insist that we show up early to family functions because they want us to help with setting things up, but during the actual parties we are usually more or less completely ignored. Also, my fiance almost always ends up having to fix some family member's or neighbor's computer (he's an IT professional) while we're there, though of course they never ask ahead of time if he would mind or offer him any sort of compensation.

 

The breaking point for us came at his father's 50th birthday party when they really went out of their way to treat me like sh*t. His Dad was introducing my fiance to his friends (while I was standing next to him) and simply wouldn't acknowledge my existence, or would quickly grumble something like "oh and this is his girlfriend." When we were getting ready to leave, his step-Mom hug snubbed me. As in, I leaned in for the usual good-bye hug and she took a step back.

 

As for reasons why they dislike me so much, a lot of it I think has to do with the fact that my career may require me to move across the country and they don't want my fiance to leave the area (after all, who would fix their computers for free if he wasn't around? His 16 yo brother has frequently accused me of "taking [fiance] away from him." I should also probably mention that his half-siblings are probably the most co-dependent, immature, helpless children I've ever met in my life. I am also certain that his Dad also encourages them to believe that I am the problem and that if I weren't in the picture they would have a better relationship with their brother (NOT true at all, we have tried to spend more time with them by inviting them to come see us, but like I mentioned before they will NEVER visit us or allow the kids to visit us, not quite sure why). I also think they don't like the fact that I'm not the traditional, stay-at-home-mom type that they think their son should be marrying.

 

I finally put my foot down after the birthday party and told my fiance he needed to stick up for me and that we needed to let them know that this behavior wasn't acceptable. And he stepped up to the plate, he talked to his Dad about the problem and then we all discussed it together.

 

The problem is that his Dad and Step-Mom are master manipulators. Everything we brought up they managed to twist in some way to make it seem like we were the ones with the problem. And we both found ourselves completely tongue-tied. I feel like they ended up walking all over us. The other problem is that a lot of the time they do or say things in a way that we know is intentionally rude but if we were to bring it to their attention, it would seem like we were overreacting. Example: my fiance and I had given them warning over the summer that we would be getting engaged in a few months. Once we had made it official we called them to let them know, and his Dad said something to the effect of "Oh, well I know you said you were going to over the summer, but then we never heard anything, so we thought the two of you had called it off." I know for a fact he knew this wasn't true, because like I said we told them over the summer that it would be several months before we made it official. I know it was just his way of being snarky. And that's just one example.

 

Anyway, to wrap up this extremely long post, we haven't had much contact with them since the party and the subsequent fallout. We feel like at this point we can only keep our distance, since when we tried to confront them it was such a disaster. But we will be spending Christmas with them, and I really don't want to spend my holiday dealing with their rude comments and gestures. Can anyone give us any advice as to how we can nip this problem in the bud before we get married? I really don't want our relationship to be like this forever, but I don't know how we can assert ourselves without causing a huge family rift. Like I said, they are very manipulative and have a way of twisting words so that we always come off looking worse. Should we just give up and keep our distance?

[streetlamp]

I understand you wanting to have this situation resolved, but both parties have to feel that way to come to some kind of compromise. Do you think the F and SM are prepared to do that? If not, you may just be banging your head against the wall. Clearly they have got separation anxiety. Do you get a sense of what your fiance's role in the family is?