Reveal all to the BS or not?

[fooled once]

I have a question which is really about what an OW might be thinking but anyone is welcome to give an answer.

 

The assumptions are:

 

1. You are an OW.

2. There has been a d-day that was traumatic for the BW, the MM and the OW. This occurred months ago.

3. The MM decided to stay with his wife and ended it with you. NC has been maintained ever since. You are fairly sure the MM will never want to resume the A. You are wavering about whether you would want to be with him if his M broke up.

4. You as the OW are either angry or sad or both at the unexpected and abrupt end of the A.

5. You believe that the MM has not come completely clean with his wife about the A. You hinted this to her but she has never followed it up with you.

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

7. You have "incriminating" e-mails that will reveal the full extent and nature of the A.

 

My question is do you feel the BW ought to have the e-mails (or the full facts), do you feel any urge to reveal them to her or do you feel you need to keep them a secret?

 

Any thoughts please?

 

#5. Why do so many OW want to make sure the MM comes completely clean to his wife? Why? What would you get from this? So that his wife, who is INNOCENT, gets her world shattered? Because you figure to hurt HER would hurt him?

 

#6 - what? Because she knows of the affair, it has hurt YOU at work? How? Because people figured out you were boinking the boss? I am confused on this.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

so you can frig up her life, and expect her to just accept it, but you feel she owes YOU some kind of courtesy?

 

That's the general attitude! Goes a long way towards understanding the mindset of this type of individual!

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by frozensprouts

so you can frig up her life, and expect her to just accept it, but you feel she owes YOU some kind of courtesy?

 

I wouldn’t phrase it as her showing me some kind of courtesy, but her beef shouldn’t be with me, it should be with her H. If I was a friend of the W, then yes, she’d owe me one. But in my case, I don’t know her nor have I ever met her. I didn’t frig up her life, her H did. The guy that she chose, may I add. I’m not the one she should blame or take it out on. However, I do expect the H to show me ALL kinds of courtesy as in he’s not going to let the W do things to screw me over.

[DiDi123]

Oh- gosh no.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

this could fit very well in my situation...

 

i havent told her, but honestly the thoughts have gone through my mind more than once. my H says he will tell her one day. not to hurt her but to get back at my xMM.

 

ive thought about doing it so he'll finally leave me alone. i know its the one move that would make him hate me forever and also give him a taste of his own medicine. sadly, i couldnt do that. its just not the right thing to do.

 

but i also need to admit that i'm with Lizzie. i know i did her wrong, but if she comes back and F**** with me, then its on. two wrongs dont make a right. im not playing games. if she intentionally does things to my job or my family, i'll let the truth fly.

 

im not sure what i would do if she came and expressed her pain and was aksing because she truly wanted to know. it would be hard. very very hard. i'd have to think about it.

[tami-chan]

As a former BS I expected and still expect that if my husband (who has a lot to lose) wants a "peaceful" life and not end up disgraced he must have control over the women he has slept with. Our D-day came when my stbxh's OW (now xOW) contacted me, she even came to my house ! That was sooooooo not cool .... I only ask for one thing--keep the OWs away from me and my child.

 

Having said that, I understand where SkylarBlue is coming from. As a former OW, I required the same from my xMM-I told him he has to have control over his wife if D-day should happened-I did not think I need to be talking to her or explaining myself to her or be confronted by her. If she needed information about the affair, she can ask him. I would not have cared what he said to her about me/or the affair. Lucky for me, when he said their marriage was over, he was actually telling the truth and that is why they are now divorced.

 

Moaningmyrtle, why do you still care about the motivations of your H's xOW? He chose to stay with you, you chose to stay with him...so focus on rebuilding your marriage-the OW should be a non-entity in your life.

[moaningmyrtle]

Skylarblue wrote..."I have always contended that if my MM or his W purposefully caused any complications in my life because of d-day my goal would become to emotionally destroy her and any chance of reconciliation beyond belief..."

 

As a former BS I expected and still expect that if my husband (who has a lot to lose) wants a "peaceful" life and not end up disgraced he must have control over the women he has slept with. Our D-day came when my stbxh's OW (now xOW) contacted me, she even came to my house ! That was sooooooo not cool .... I only ask for one thing--keep the OWs away from me and my child.

 

Having said that, I understand where SkylarBlue is coming from. As a former OW, I required the same from my xMM-I told him he has to have control over his wife if D-day should happened-I did not think I need to be talking to her or explaining myself to her or be confronted by her. If she needed information about the affair, she can ask him. I would not have cared what he said to her about me/or the affair. Lucky for me, when he said their marriage was over, he was actually telling the truth and that is why they are now divorced.

 

Moaningmyrtle, why do you still care about the motivations of your H's xOW? He chose to stay with you, you chose to stay with him...so focus on rebuilding your marriage-the OW should be a non-entity in your life.

 

I can sort of understand too, what you are saying Sky - the interesting thing is when you get both a BW and an OW who both feel the same way. Does someone win? Or do they both end up emotionally destroyed?

 

How many MM retain "control" over either women come d-day Tami? Obviously your H didn't if the OW came to you (I agree it's very uncool). Personally I think it's a rather unrealistic expectation anyway. A MM caught between 2 "out of (his) control women" is indeed a disgraced figure (that's putting it mildly I think) - at least my H was.

 

I've noticed too that there are some OW that remain convinced that the MM has not been honest with his W. In some cases this is a valid concern because it's obvious that he is continuing contact with the OW while asking her not to tell the BW.

 

Or he may be keeping the OW informed about the 'story" he is telling the BW.

 

In some cases it seems to stem from the fact that the MM has very abruptly ended all contact with the OW, thus leaving her feeling like she's been left floundering in the dark. I think this might be how my H's OW feels.

 

I can understand that an OW might wonder what on earth is going on and I recall seeing a few OW on this forum who appeared to be in this situation. In the absence of real information it must be tempting to speculate about what is going on with the MM and his W, just as I might be speculating what is going on with the OW; but in both cases it can be based on very limited information and can be way off the mark.

However it's definite that during the limited contact we have had post d-day she was very concerned with what we are doing and exactly how much I know.

 

My H has been like a brick wall with her not telling her anything but I admit to being a little less sincere with her having said some things to her that have double meanings. I have no real qualms about this (well just a few) as I don't consider I owe her any more honesty or respect than she ever gave me.

 

Sky I'm just wondering whether the lengths you'd be willing to go to, includes only legal things or whether you'd go further than that?. I wouldn't be willing to do anything to the OW that meant physical injury to her or anything illegal. As it turns out all I had to do was expose her to her family, friends and work colleagues. After that any bad treatment of her was up to them not me.

 

Yes Tami I do wonder about the OW motivations just like so many OW wonder about the BW motivations after d-day - seems normal if a little counterproductive sometimes. I'm not doing it at the expense of rebuilding my M - that comes first.[/FONT]

Edited December 3, 2009 by moaningmyrtle

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

I can sort of understand too, what you are saying Sky - the interesting thing is when you get both a BW and an OW who both feel the same way. Does someone win? Or do they both end up emotionally destroyed?

How many MM retain "control" over either women come d-day Tami? Obviously your H didn't if the OW came to you (I agree it's very uncool). Personally I think it's a rather unrealistic expectation anyway. A MM caught between 2 "out of (his) control women" is indeed a disgraced figure (that's putting it mildly I think) - at least my H was.

 

If it boiled down to that scenario for me, no one wins. The way my life is structured is a very delicate and complicated situation. Exposing the A to people who are important to me would be very destructive. MM, BW, and I would all really pay a price. A MM caught between 2 "out of (his) control women, I never thought of it that way. True and funny. The only way my MM would be able to control me would be to control and reign in his W which he should be capable of doing. I agree with tami-chan that MM has to have control over his wife if D-day should happened-I did not think I need to be talking to her or explaining myself to her or be confronted by her. If she needed information about the affair, she can ask him. I would not have cared what he said to her about me/or the affair. If I’m allowing him to do whatever he has to do or say to appease the situation, he should be able to keep her out of my life.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

Sky I'm just wondering whether the lengths you'd be willing to go to, includes only legal things or whether you'd go further than that?. I wouldn't be willing to do anything to the OW that meant physical injury to her or anything illegal. As it turns out all I had to do was expose her to her family, friends and work colleagues. After that any bad treatment of her was up to them not me.

 

No, I wouldn’t do anything illegal that could get me into real trouble (i.e. vandalizing personal property, etc.), but I would do everything I could to destroy and embarrass her and her M. The details I would tell her about the A would be beyond belief and extremely unforgivable. Then I’d probably print flyers identifying her and announcing the A with the most unbelievable of details and plaster her neighborhood or anywhere she’s known with them, things along those lines. As it turns out all I had to do was expose her to her family, friends and work colleagues. That’s pretty much all that his W would have to do to turn my world into chaos which is why I would be so irate.

[turnstone]

I'm amazed that an OW thinks she could affect the BS's life. Certainly in my own case, if an OW came within a mile of even trying to hurt me, they would be regretting their actions for the rest of their life and it would be all for nothing, they couldn't even touch me.

[moaningmyrtle]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

Sky I'm just wondering whether the lengths you'd be willing to go to, includes only legal things or whether you'd go further than that?. I wouldn't be willing to do anything to the OW that meant physical injury to her or anything illegal. As it turns out all I had to do was expose her to her family, friends and work colleagues. After that any bad treatment of her was up to them not me.

 

No, I wouldn’t do anything illegal that could get me into real trouble (i.e. vandalizing personal property, etc.), but I would do everything I could to destroy and embarrass her and her M. The details I would tell her about the A would be beyond belief and extremely unforgivable. Then I’d probably print flyers identifying her and announcing the A with the most unbelievable of details and plaster her neighborhood or anywhere she’s known with them, things along those lines. As it turns out all I had to do was expose her to her family, friends and work colleagues. That’s pretty much all that his W would have to do to turn my world into chaos which is why I would be so irate.

 

You do realise that puts you in a very vulnerable positions if there's ever a d-day don't you?

 

As a BW I can say that exposure is absolutely one of the most fatal things for an A (in my opinion of course). A BW has virtually lost all pride and been badly humiliated so in fact I would have helped the OW post the flyers! And made sure they were posted wherever they would do the most damage to the OW. My H would have just had to take the consequences.

 

My H quickly realised there was no way he could "control" me - in fact the whole situation escalated completely out of his control once there was a d-day.

 

Prior to that he had everything working very nicely thank you.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

 

You do realise that puts you in a very vulnerable positions if there's ever a d-day don't you?

Yes, I do realize it, but the W doesn’t know ANYTHING about me. For her to be able to expose me, he’d have to supply her with all the accurate info. He knows how susceptible that would make me. I trust he’d respect me or least what I’ve done for him to not do that to me. Just like he had to trust that I’d be discreet and not expose the A to his W. I’d really be hurt if he didn’t protect me. Even if he never planned to see me again.

 

My H quickly realised there was no way he could "control" me - in fact the whole situation escalated completely out of his control once there was a d-day.

I’m curious…Did you know the OW and her friends/family/colleagues? Again, my MM’s W doesn’t even know my name. At this point, she’s not even sure I exist. I wouldn’t understand why he’d give it to her…What happened that was so out of control? Did you expose the OW out of revenge for her or your H?

[MizFit]

If the BS asks then absolutely. If they don't then let it go.

 

As far as 'protection' by the WS...my xMM was told that if he threw me under the bus I would take that as a personal attack and respond in kind. I know there will be things between them that are said and I know that any WS trying to get back to where they want to be will say what is needed to be said. However, if a letter of NC comes along, if he has lied and she comes to me and we discuss it, if either of them are negative about me to common friends then I will not let it lie.

 

I love the fact that all the BS are on here asking why the OW feels she has the right to defend themselves if their AP or BS brings it to that...why wouldn't she? The OW/OM are sitting there protecting secrets for the AP and the AP is the one that cheated-if the OW/OM move on then they should be left alone and if not they should be able to defend themselves. I know that won't sit well because I am not one to blame OW (didn't when my husband cheated-he was the one who broke his vows to God, not her).

[Spark1111]

Within 72 hours of discovering her existence, I knew everything about the OW. Just sorta needed it to make sure I was n't crazy.

 

I had bank statement and cell phone records, all phone numbers and a picture of his car parked in her driveway, should I need it.

 

I never enacted revenge of any sort. Just wanted to have evidence in case I went the divorce route.

 

I blamed him! Not her. Well, not really.

 

After two years of NC, initiated by him, she waltzes up to his new office to discuss her new boyfriend, her son, and asks him if "she should pursue this new relationship?" and "Do you think I'm a bad person?"

 

so, the gloves came off. I told her to stay the hell away from us, and our family.

 

I also told her to be very careful here. They both work for a not-for-profit religious-based educational conglomerate.

 

This would be very, very frowned upon with possibly dire consequences, mostly for her! He was not an employee at the time of the affair, but SHE was!

 

Is she kidding?

 

Two people were let go from the American Red Cross after having an affair. Why? Because the office phone lines are paid for with proceeds collected for a not-for-profit!

 

There constant calling and texting on company lines was a violation of the ARC's tax-exempt status.

 

MM, call her bluff, or not. I personally would get the emails, read them, and tell her I already knew all this.....Don't contact us again!

 

Now, that's acting from a position of strength and confidence!

[norajane]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

 

You do realise that puts you in a very vulnerable positions if there's ever a d-day don't you?

Yes, I do realize it, but the W doesn’t know ANYTHING about me. For her to be able to expose me, he’d have to supply her with all the accurate info. He knows how susceptible that would make me. I trust he’d respect me or least what I’ve done for him to not do that to me. Just like he had to trust that I’d be discreet and not expose the A to his W. I’d really be hurt if he didn’t protect me. Even if he never planned to see me again.

 

Skylarblue, all his wife has to do is look in his email and his cell phone and will know plenty about you.

 

And once he's been found out, all bets are off in terms of what he'd do to save his ass, even if that meant exposing you fully.

[Snowflower]

 

ive thought about doing it so he'll finally leave me alone. i know its the one move that would make him hate me forever and also give him a taste of his own medicine. sadly, i couldnt do that. its just not the right thing to do.

 

but i also need to admit that i'm with Lizzie. i know i did her wrong, but if she comes back and F**** with me, then its on. two wrongs dont make a right. im not playing games. if she intentionally does things to my job or my family, i'll let the truth fly.

 

Sorry, I'm not good at multi-quoting...so I bolded the pertinent parts.

 

MBEG, why do you say it wouldn't be the right thing to do? From your posts, it appears xMM won't leave you alone at work. For your own sake, why wouldn't you do what you needed to get him to leave you in peace? If it is talking to his wife, then so be it. He should be leaving you alone, especially if NC has been established.

 

What truth would you let fly if the BW somehow 'messed with you'? The truth about the fact that you were boffing her husband?

 

I don't understand what it is you have on her. She might not care what you try to do, because she wasn't the one who was involved in the affair.

[2sure]

Once the affair is over and there are no further decisions on the table...

You dont get to participate in her life anymore. You could do it before , only because she didnt know...but to do it now will probably only do two things:

 

If it were me, I would no longer care about details of the affair. The fact that there was one is enough. An OW coming forward after the fact to answer questions that were UNASKED...would make me feel like she simply could not let go. Like she had to stay involved for spite, drama, or because she was a nutbag (just like MM no doubt said).

 

Additionally, as to your own recovery...something like this IS a perpetuation of the affair. It is NOT letting go. The affair was revealed. It ended. Thats closure. Wanting to tell the BS details at this point...is going to hurt you more than their marriage.

[Snowflower]

Once the affair is over and there are no further decisions on the table...

You dont get to participate in her life anymore. You could do it before , only because she didnt know...but to do it now will probably only do two things:

 

If it were me, I would no longer care about details of the affair. The fact that there was one is enough. An OW coming forward after the fact to answer questions that were UNASKED...would make me feel like she simply could not let go. Like she had to stay involved for spite, drama, or because she was a nutbag (just like MM no doubt said).

 

Additionally, as to your own recovery...something like this IS a perpetuation of the affair. It is NOT letting go. The affair was revealed. It ended. Thats closure. Wanting to tell the BS details at this point...is going to hurt you more than their marriage.

 

After d-day, there was nothing the OW could have told me about the affair that could have made me feel any worse and more importantly, I wouldn't have believed a thing that came out of her mouth. If the OW in my situation would have done that, I would have chalked it up to spite or a lame attempt to try to get my WH 'back.'

 

I didn't believe anything that came out of my WH mouth at that point either.

 

I would have completely blown her off and ignored anything she wanted to tell me because it would have been purely out of revenge.

 

I agree with 2sure, she didn't get to participate in my life any more after d-day. The fact that she did participate in my life AT ALL was nauseating to me. It was one of the things that I could control after d-day--getting her out of my life.

 

It was the main reason I told my H to get out after d-day, simply because I did not want her present in my life. My life had been invaded and that was one thing I was going to control. I couldn't control what my H had done but I could control who was going to be involved in my life and it wasn't going to be her.

[eeyore1981]

Sorry, I'm not good at multi-quoting...so I bolded the pertinent parts.

 

MBEG, why do you say it wouldn't be the right thing to do? From your posts, it appears xMM won't leave you alone at work. For your own sake, why wouldn't you do what you needed to get him to leave you in peace? If it is talking to his wife, then so be it. He should be leaving you alone, especially if NC has been established.

 

What truth would you let fly if the BW somehow 'messed with you'? The truth about the fact that you were boffing her husband?

 

I don't understand what it is you have on her. She might not care what you try to do, because she wasn't the one who was involved in the affair.

 

Totally in agreement with you, Snowflower. Some of these affair partners like to pretend like they hold all the cards, and they have nothing.

 

LOL, this really makes me laugh. I would bet $1000 my H's little precious had this same exact attitude towards me, how if I messed with her she would make me so sorry. Didn't take very long for her attitude to get changed. She slinks around town like the slimey little worm she is, having to reroute herself to avoid me at all costs. I'm not making idle threats, there was a showdown, and she lost. Sucks to be her.

[whattodonow12]

If my memory is correct, I think in MBEG's situation that the wife does not have all of the facts. I think she meant that she would share more than what just has been fed to the BS by the WH. I don't think she is pretending that she holds all of the cards.

Edited December 3, 2009 by whattodonow12
clarification

[moaningmyrtle]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

 

You do realise that puts you in a very vulnerable positions if there's ever a d-day don't you?

Yes, I do realize it, but the W doesn’t know ANYTHING about me. For her to be able to expose me, he’d have to supply her with all the accurate info. He knows how susceptible that would make me. I trust he’d respect me or least what I’ve done for him to not do that to me. Just like he had to trust that I’d be discreet and not expose the A to his W. I’d really be hurt if he didn’t protect me. Even if he never planned to see me again.

 

My H quickly realised there was no way he could "control" me - in fact the whole situation escalated completely out of his control once there was a d-day.

I’m curious…Did you know the OW and her friends/family/colleagues? Again, my MM’s W doesn’t even know my name. At this point, she’s not even sure I exist. I wouldn’t understand why he’d give it to her…What happened that was so out of control? Did you expose the OW out of revenge for her or your H?

 

The thing is after d-day the BW holds most of the cards, if she did bu know it. The only way the MM is going to be able to protect the OW in any way, is if he wants out of the marriage. If not he will have to reveal all about the A to the BW in order to get what he wants (to stay). Of course if it was an exit A then he can just leave without breaching any of the OW's secrets.

 

I knew nothing of the OW before d-day, but within a short time I knew so much about her - her family, her children, her H, where she had worked, who else she had As with, her financial situation, her illnesses, her medications, her cars and her sexual preferences. Her privacy was one of the many prices my H was willing to pay to keep his family.

 

As for the e-mails between them, I already knew their contents and details (I saw enough of them and they were pretty bad for a BW to read) but it I felt it likely that she thought it was the one remaining card up her sleeve. I was curious whether other loveshackers thought this might be the case.

[howcouldInotknow]

Personally I would never talk to a MM wife. Whatever she wanted to know she would need to ask her husband. If they are working on their marriage I am no longer part of the equation. But at the same time I am NEVER going to allow any BS to confront me and walk away unscathed. Sorry that is just the way I work. I am a grown woman I take care of myself, I have a great job that will not fire me for something personal. She can tell my parents my friends family and whomever else she would like and you know what at the end of the day they will all still love me. So what exactly do I have to lose other than your husband? Nothing. She will be the one who has to live with the what her husband did not me.

I would never be hostile if she simply asked, but I wouldn't tell her anything. Not to protect her husband but because she really doesn't want to know. Yet at the same time I will never live in fear of or be intimidated by anyone regardless of what I have done.

[howcouldInotknow]

Totally in agreement with you, Snowflower. Some of these affair partners like to pretend like they hold all the cards, and they have nothing.

 

LOL, this really makes me laugh. I would bet $1000 my H's little precious had this same exact attitude towards me, how if I messed with her she would make me so sorry. Didn't take very long for her attitude to get changed. She slinks around town like the slimey little worm she is, having to reroute herself to avoid me at all costs. I'm not making idle threats, there was a showdown, and she lost. Sucks to be her.

 

 

Those are women who are all talk. I don't act like I hold all the cards. What can a married man's wife do call me a whore, slut or something to that effect? Okay so what. I have very few regrets in my life. I am single with out kids I live on my own. What exactly can she threaten me with? Especially in my xMM's wife's case she would not dare. I would ruin her. She has a public office job so she would not dare. I WOULD FINISH HER. She called me a couple of times and just listened. Never said anything. She is a very smart woman.

[moaningmyrtle]

Personally I would never talk to a MM wife. Whatever she wanted to know she would need to ask her husband. If they are working on their marriage I am no longer part of the equation. But at the same time I am NEVER going to allow any BS to confront me and walk away unscathed. Sorry that is just the way I work. I am a grown woman I take care of myself, I have a great job that will not fire me for something personal. She can tell my parents my friends family and whomever else she would like and you know what at the end of the day they will all still love me. So what exactly do I have to lose other than your husband? Nothing. She will be the one who has to live with the what her husband did not me.

I would never be hostile if she simply asked, but I wouldn't tell her anything. Not to protect her husband but because she really doesn't want to know. Yet at the same time I will never live in fear of or be intimidated by anyone regardless of what I have done.

 

My question to you is the same as for Sky re the bolded part above. What exactly is it you would be willing to do to ensure a BW who confronted you (I'm assuming not violently or illegally) was scathed by you? Would you be willing to do physical damage to people or property? Anything otherwise illegal?

 

Also if exposure is not a concern to you what else is there a BW could even do - again assuming nothing illegal.

 

It does seem to me that either a BW or an OW who wants "revenge" on the other, but wants to avoid illegality has to be very creative in getting that revenge.

[moaningmyrtle]

...I would ruin her. She has a public office job so she would not dare. I WOULD FINISH HER. ....

 

But how would you ruin or finish her?