Reveal all to the BS or not?

[Virgo1982]

I know it was a movie, but the bunny boiling maniac dies at the hand of the BS. Maybe not such a good statement to make about one's self.

 

That movie was so over the top and unrealistic, like Steve Phillips AP. His W divorced him though...

[howcouldInotknow]

In my opinion what it comes down to is that the cheating man is your problem not mine. I have never persued a man in my life so I can guarantee any BW if I was seeing your husband I did not pursue him. I will not give you the answers that you need because I do not have them. I cannot help you make up your mind about whether to leave or stay. I will not answer questions as to why I slept with your husband because MY reasons are my own. In my opinion when a couple decides to really work on their marriage contacting the OW is pointless.

[wheelwright]

I would never reveal all to the BS. This would be revenge, which I think is just a misplaced way of dealing with your own s***.

 

I would fantasize about it though!

 

The OW needs all the information she can get. I would kiss the BS's feet if she could give me an inkling of what they were going through. I am that small. That much in need of closure.

 

It is truly horrible to be thrown under the bus, and if only the BS in my situation could talk me through why it was necessary, I'd feel better.

 

So yes, BS to OW, no to OW to BS.

[Impudent Oyster]

Originally Posted by impudent oyster

Wow..seriously, you have some kind of balls lady.

You didn't think twice about screwing her over, did you?

If you weren't doing anything wrong, then what are you worried about? So what if your friends and family find out you were sleeping with a married man.

 

Really? Whose the one that f*cked around on her. Not me. I don’t really feel like I’m to blame for the A. He chose to have it. I’m sure she contributed to it happening. Even if she didn’t, she picked him as her H - that’s her fault. The real blame is between them. I didn’t screw anybody.

Some people do know I’m seeing a MM, but nothing about his identity. They know because they don’t care. Only a couple of people in my life would care. It doesn’t bother me what they’d think about me personally, but my life’s structure would change (I’d have to some fast talking and extreme manipulation/persuasion to repair it). I don’t want to have to deal with it.

 

Originally Posted by impudent oyster

Right? The flyer idea is just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard of...what would it say "Jane Does husband and I are having an affair?"

How is that supposed to hurt Jane Doe? The only people it embarrasses are John Doe and the OW, and frankly, makes the OW look like a bunny boiling maniac, which, if she did this, she certainly would be.

 

If you read my post it said I would identify her by name, address and phone if I wanted. I wouldn’t put my name in it. We don't live or run in the same circle. It would be like a National Enquirer story by an anonymous third source. I'd put a flyer in every mailbox if I wanted. And FYI, I had to do it before. Not in the same situation. Plastered the whole area with them. Even made pamphlets and set up a little spot for them. Completely humiliated the person. Everyone was talking, everyone knew. Police were called once. No one could prove a thing. Very effective. Humiliation often is. As for me, I don’t really care what people think about me anyway. Most people know how I am. I only care about my fairly easy lifestyle being interrupted. And for the record, I am a bunny boiling maniac if you screw me over.

 

Yes, I get it, you are a bunny boiling maniac. BTW, Jane Doe was a euphemism for her real name, I obviously overestimated your powers of inference.

 

Has anyone ever told you that you're funny? Not funny Ha-ha, the other kind of funny.

[tami-chan]

How many MM retain "control" over either women come d-day Tami? Obviously your H didn't if the OW came to you (I agree it's very uncool). Personally I think it's a rather unrealistic expectation anyway. A MM caught between 2 "out of (his) control women" is indeed a disgraced figure (that's putting it mildly I think) - at least my H was.

 

No...my stbxh did not have control...largely because he lied about being married and did not think the OW will find out-when she called me, she was not really sure who I was-of course, she called because she had her suspicions. She ultimately came to my house to meet me and we both waited for my H to show up. Needless to say, she got thrown out of the house and was never ever heard of ever again . Just the way I liked it.

 

I've noticed too that there are some OW that remain convinced that the MM has not been honest with his W. In some cases this is a valid concern because it's obvious that he is continuing contact with the OW while asking her not to tell the BW.

The BS will NEVER know the extent of what was shared between the OW and the M- the same way the OW will NEVER know everything about the MM's marriage. It a waste of time trying to know "everything". One can only move on....If you want to stay in your marriage, stop obsessing about the affair-this is not to say that you are not going to be vigilant about your WS actions-just don't sweat the things that cannot be verified i.e. answer to this: "Did you or do you love her?"...

 

Or he may be keeping the OW informed about the 'story" he is telling the BW.

Maybe, which tells you what?.....

 

In some cases it seems to stem from the fact that the MM has very abruptly ended all contact with the OW, thus leaving her feeling like she's been left floundering in the dark. I think this might be how my H's OW feels.

and you care about what the OW feels, because......?

 

I can understand that an OW might wonder what on earth is going on and I recall seeing a few OW on this forum who appeared to be in this situation. In the absence of real information it must be tempting to speculate about what is going on with the MM and his W, just as I might be speculating what is going on with the OW; but in both cases it can be based on very limited information and can be way off the mark.

Exactly....so let it go...focus on rebuilding your marriage, unless of course you still do not believe your H is on board 100% in making a go again on your relationship?

 

My H has been like a brick wall with her not telling her anything but I admit to being a little less sincere with her having said some things to her that have double meanings. I have no real qualms about this (well just a few) as I don't consider I owe her any more honesty or respect than she ever gave me.

how do you know your H is not feeding her some story and her interest in how you guys are doing is so she can check HIS version?

 

As it turns out all I had to do was expose her to her family, friends and work colleagues. After that any bad treatment of her was up to them not me.

This is a telling statement..almost the same as an OW saying "whatever hurt you feel is cause by your H who promised fidelity to you and not me". You exposed her to her family, friends and work colleagues precisely because you hoped there will be backlash on her.....I am not faulting you...hey, if it makes you feel better, I am all for it....

 

At any rate, exposing her to those people also exposed your H as a cad and you as a woman who is willing to take back a cad.

 

Yes Tami I do wonder about the OW motivations just like so many OW wonder about the BW motivations after d-day - seems normal if a little counterproductive sometimes. I'm not doing it at the expense of rebuilding my M - that comes first.

It is not "little" if she fills your mind...if you spend precious time trying to "understand" her....let it go...let HER go....

[tami-chan]

Within 72 hours of discovering her existence, I knew everything about the OW. Just sorta needed it to make sure I was n't crazy.

 

I had bank statement and cell phone records, all phone numbers and a picture of his car parked in her driveway, should I need it.

 

I never enacted revenge of any sort. Just wanted to have evidence in case I went the divorce route.

 

I blamed him! Not her. Well, not really.

 

After two years of NC, initiated by him, she waltzes up to his new office to discuss her new boyfriend, her son, and asks him if "she should pursue this new relationship?" and "Do you think I'm a bad person?"

 

so, the gloves came off. I told her to stay the hell away from us, and our family.

 

I also told her to be very careful here. They both work for a not-for-profit religious-based educational conglomerate.

 

This would be very, very frowned upon with possibly dire consequences, mostly for her! He was not an employee at the time of the affair, but SHE was!

 

Is she kidding?

 

Two people were let go from the American Red Cross after having an affair. Why? Because the office phone lines are paid for with proceeds collected for a not-for-profit!

 

There constant calling and texting on company lines was a violation of the ARC's tax-exempt status.

 

MM, call her bluff, or not. I personally would get the emails, read them, and tell her I already knew all this.....Don't contact us again!

 

Now, that's acting from a position of strength and confidence!

 

 

You should have exposed her.....now THAT is courage.

[tami-chan]

Skylarblue, all his wife has to do is look in his email and his cell phone and will know plenty about you.

 

And once he's been found out, all bets are off in terms of what he'd do to save his ass, even if that meant exposing you fully.

 

Not true. Depends on who wants to keep the marriage most.

[tami-chan]

The way I see it, exposure (humiliation etc) is a big fear of the affair partners in most cases; which makes it the "weapon" of choice for BSs. In most case exposure is not such a major concern to the BS - once there is a d-day that horse has already bolted.

 

If it's not a fear of the APs it's hard to see how an affair got going in the first place - why was any secrecy about the A even necessary?

 

But back to my earlier question how exactly would you ruin a BW?

 

and the BW is not humiliated about exposing WH as an adulterer and her taking him back after the fact?

 

why was any secrecy about the A even necessary?

 

Ahmm...lol...is this rhetorical question?

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by impudent oyster

Yes, I get it, you are a bunny boiling maniac. BTW, Jane Doe was a euphemism for her real name, I obviously overestimated your powers of inference.

Has anyone ever told you that you're funny? Not funny Ha-ha, the other kind of funny.

 

Obviously you did ‘cause I didn’t get it. Sorry. No need to be rude about it. I didn’t classify myself as a bunny boiling maniac. I just agreed that I can become that. And every time I also mention if I get screwed over. You make it seem like I’m so far out there. Okay, I might not be the typical personality, but I’m really shocked at how many people think I’m so unbelievable. That’s what I find funny. That’s weird and sheltered IMO. That’s the kind of thinking that really makes me say Wow.

 

Originally Posted by frozensprouts

and SkylarBlue, thank you for the ongoing discussion- it has gone down kind of a weird road, don't you think?

No. Read the posts. They all pertain to the questions/comments asked. I find nothing weird about it. Sorry if you dislike ongoing discussions. Maybe you just dislike me…The only thing I think has gone down a weird road is me being “attacked” for the way I am or view things. I always feel like other OW think their “better” morally than me because of it. They’re not. Really people. Cut me some slack and get off your own high horse.

[tami-chan]

LOL..Skylarkblue, they are saying that to you because they can't seem to break you...so they dismiss you as a "troll", etc.etc....it is the way of many people on LS--you know, if you can't destroy the message, destroy the messenger-type-of-deal. Can't say I agree with everything you say but you have every right to express your views here on LS.

[Heather1]

Not a chance! I haven't kept one email & I want OM to be happy, even if it's not with me.

[moaningmyrtle]

and the BW is not humiliated about exposing WH as an adulterer and her taking him back after the fact?

 

The humiliation/exposure of me as BW and him as adulterer, happened at d-day - the fact that I stayed with him is not a reason for me to feel ashamed. It's very sad when a BW feels humiliated about her decision to stay married.

 

 

 

Ahmm...lol...is this rhetorical question?[/QUOTE]

 

It was in the context of someone who said she did not worry about exposure, as I recall. It was of course rhetorical anyway as logic doesn't enter into it.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by Tami-chan

LOL..Skylarkblue, they are saying that to you because they can't seem to break you...so they dismiss you as a "troll", etc.etc....it is the way of many people on LS--you know, if you can't destroy the message, destroy the messenger-type-of-deal. Can't say I agree with everything you say but you have every right to express your views here on LS.

 

Thank you...

[Fallen Angel]

I have a question which is really about what an OW might be thinking but anyone is welcome to give an answer.

 

The assumptions are:

 

1. You are an OW.

2. There has been a d-day that was traumatic for the BW, the MM and the OW. This occurred months ago.

3. The MM decided to stay with his wife and ended it with you. NC has been maintained ever since. You are fairly sure the MM will never want to resume the A. You are wavering about whether you would want to be with him if his M broke up.

4. You as the OW are either angry or sad or both at the unexpected and abrupt end of the A.

5. You believe that the MM has not come completely clean with his wife about the A. You hinted this to her but she has never followed it up with you.

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

7. You have "incriminating" e-mails that will reveal the full extent and nature of the A.

 

My question is do you feel the BW ought to have the e-mails (or the full facts), do you feel any urge to reveal them to her or do you feel you need to keep them a secret?

 

Any thoughts please?

 

 

With the assumptions you have stated, the answer is NO, I would not send them. I do not think it would be healthy or helpful to anyone, because it would be done simply to 'pay back' some of the hurt you were feeling.

 

If you sent them out of a feeling of wanting to be totally upfront and honest and had done it right at D-Day in an effort to be completely transparent in an effort to allow for total truth and hopefully healing for everyone, fine.

 

But in the example you have set up with your 'assumptions' it is simply mean spirited, purposeful hurt being passed around and twisted to look like an attempt to be honest in order to promote healing, something that the scenario you described does not imply to be the case.

[MizFit]

I'm speaking for myself as an OW, but here are my thoughts.

 

I would not start something with the BS, but I would finish it. The essence of the R with the MM is discretion and having your R, knowing he is having another R with the BS. As an OW I would look it as my chance to do what I wanted to do from the start-tell the truth. The R with the BS is that of the husband, but if she starts one with me I will be in it full scale...if she wants the truth she will get it. If she wants battle I won't back down. How she approaches it is how I would deal with it.

 

The OW is quiet and submissive to the wishes of the WH-when DDay comes it all changes.

 

As I've said I wouldn't approach the BS, but I wouldn't shy away.

[OWoman]

To me, kissing and telling is tacky. My private life is private, not for the titillation of a third party.

[Fallen Angel]

I'm speaking for myself as an OW, but here are my thoughts.

 

I would not start something with the BS, but I would finish it. The essence of the R with the MM is discretion and having your R, knowing he is having another R with the BS. As an OW I would look it as my chance to do what I wanted to do from the start-tell the truth. The R with the BS is that of the husband, but if she starts one with me I will be in it full scale...if she wants the truth she will get it. If she wants battle I won't back down. How she approaches it is how I would deal with it.

 

The OW is quiet and submissive to the wishes of the WH-when DDay comes it all changes.

 

As I've said I wouldn't approach the BS, but I wouldn't shy away.

 

I agree, all the talk here about the BW publicly outing the OW and thinking that the OW should just sit back and 'take what she had coming' is just dumb. If My MM's W thinks she would get away with that she has another thing coming.

 

All the people who are important in my life already know I am in the relationship I am in, and they know of his maritial status, s it would not hurt me in any way. But if she thought she could 'go on the attack' I would fight back. If she wanted to make the affair 'public information' I would help her in doing so. I promise you the e-mails, texts, voicemails and pictures I have would be far more humiliating to her than they would to me. She is very much concerned with putting on a show of 'perfect happy family' to the world, if she cares to maintain that facade then it would be best for her to just deal directly with him, and leave me out of it.

 

As to any humiliation this may cause him, if he didn't protect me from her, I would feel no guilt whatsoever about it, after all the time I spent protecting him from her. *shrug*

[eeyore1981]

I agree, all the talk here about the BW publicly outing the OW and thinking that the OW should just sit back and 'take what she had coming' is just dumb. If My MM's W thinks she would get away with that she has another thing coming.

 

All the people who are important in my life already know I am in the relationship I am in, and they know of his maritial status, s it would not hurt me in any way. But if she thought she could 'go on the attack' I would fight back. If she wanted to make the affair 'public information' I would help her in doing so. I promise you the e-mails, texts, voicemails and pictures I have would be far more humiliating to her than they would to me. She is very much concerned with putting on a show of 'perfect happy family' to the world, if she cares to maintain that facade then it would be best for her to just deal directly with him, and leave me out of it.

 

As to any humiliation this may cause him, if he didn't protect me from her, I would feel no guilt whatsoever about it, after all the time I spent protecting him from her. *shrug*

 

BBM

 

And yet that is EXACTLY what you and some other OW's think the BS should do, sit back and take what they had coming. You aren't the victim here, you deliberately contributed to devastation on a huge scale to another human being. Think whatever you want, if any of you OW are retaliated against by a BS, you did have it coming. BS did nothing to any of you before you all started f***ing her husband.

[Lizzie60]

BBM

 

And yet that is EXACTLY what you and some other OW's think the BS should do, sit back and take what they had coming. You aren't the victim here, you deliberately contributed to devastation on a huge scale to another human being. Think whatever you want, if any of you OW are retaliated against by a BS, you did have it coming. BS did nothing to any of you before you all started f***ing her husband.

 

WOW.. it's not like we 'started' anything.. like I said before.. we didn't put a gun to his head..

 

He came to the OW.. not the other way around, in most cases.

 

If she causes no problems.. she'll have no problems... but if she did.. I would destroy what's left in her M...

[Fallen Angel]

BBM

 

And yet that is EXACTLY what you and some other OW's think the BS should do, sit back and take what they had coming. You aren't the victim here, you deliberately contributed to devastation on a huge scale to another human being. Think whatever you want, if any of you OW are retaliated against by a BS, you did have it coming. BS did nothing to any of you before you all started f***ing her husband.

 

I never actively sought out an affair with a married man. In fact he denied the fact that she existed for YEARS!!!!! So NO, I did NOT deliberately contribute to devestation on a huge scale! So you can take that assumption and .... well... (anything I type here will be censored out so I will leave it to your imagination what you can do with your opinion of me. *straight up and hard please )

 

How did I in anyway imply that 'she had something coming to her'? Before you suggest that you know what I or any other woman here thinks, perhaps you should have a fact or two to back up your opinions.

 

Again I state, HE persued me. HE invited me into his life. I did not try to STEAL anyone's husband. He offered himself to me. Her issue is with him not me. And the fact that he denied her exisitance DOES alliviate any guilt I feel in that arena. And just as I would make public his hundreds of emails and messages professing his love for me, I would also make public all the emails and messages where he said that he was NOT married or involved with anyone else.

 

As to me f-ing her husband, it is not as though he sits back with a gun to his head and is being raped. It is he who comes to my door willingly and happily, hoping that I will allow him another night in my bed, so yeah, I will stand by what I said... I will not stand idly by and allow her to attack me. Period! Her anger needs to be directed where it belongs, at him, not at me. And to mis-direct that anger at me would be a mistake.

[MizFit]

BBM

 

And yet that is EXACTLY what you and some other OW's think the BS should do, sit back and take what they had coming. You aren't the victim here, you deliberately contributed to devastation on a huge scale to another human being. Think whatever you want, if any of you OW are retaliated against by a BS, you did have it coming. BS did nothing to any of you before you all started f***ing her husband.

 

As I say...OW are supposed to cower and grovel and if we don't then we have no right to exist.

 

I do not have it coming to me to be retaliated against by anyone. The BS should send anger to the person who betrayed them...period.

[MizFit]

I never actively sought out an affair with a married man. In fact he denied the fact that she existed for YEARS!!!!! So NO, I did NOT deliberately contribute to devestation on a huge scale! So you can take that assumption and .... well... (anything I type here will be censored out so I will leave it to your imagination what you can do with your opinion of me. *straight up and hard please )

 

How did I in anyway imply that 'she had something coming to her'? Before you suggest that you know what I or any other woman here thinks, perhaps you should have a fact or two to back up your opinions.

 

Again I state, HE persued me. HE invited me into his life. I did not try to STEAL anyone's husband. He offered himself to me. Her issue is with him not me. And the fact that he denied her exisitance DOES alliviate any guilt I feel in that arena. And just as I would make public his hundreds of emails and messages professing his love for me, I would also make public all the emails and messages where he said that he was NOT married or involved with anyone else.

 

As to me f-ing her husband, it is not as though he sits back with a gun to his head and is being raped. It is he who comes to my door willingly and happily, hoping that I will allow him another night in my bed, so yeah, I will stand by what I said... I will not stand idly by and allow her to attack me. Period! Her anger needs to be directed where it belongs, at him, not at me. And to mis-direct that anger at me would be a mistake.

 

Well said FA...

[MizFit]

this situation is different, as you thought he was a single guy- you didn't know he was married- you were lied to- so , yes- 100% of the responsibility does rest with him...

 

BUT

 

this whole thing of ( assuming that the OW/OM knew the person they were seeing was married) saying " well, it's not my fault- he offered himself to me" is pure BS ( and I don't mean betrayed spouse!) . The OW/OM is not a child incapable of understanding consequences, they are not mentally challenged and being taken advantage of, they are fully functioning, responsible adults, and have the ability to say "NO" .

 

The "invitation' scenario takes two- one to 'invite' and one to "accept". no one forced the OW/OM to accept- they made the choice to accept all on their own. as the saying goes " if you lie down with a dog, you are going to get fleas"- if you engage in behavior that carries a risk, don't be surprised when it comes back to bite you in the butt

 

Why is it BS? Because you don't agree? Yes we are all responsible adults, but the responsibility to the BS lies with the WS. The invitation scenario takes one, not two. It happens every day...he is taking the choice to keep it from the BS...he is issuing the invitation and that's it. The WS has all of the control and makes all of the decisions. Who is on the other end is irrelevent...he is cheating on his partner (or she is cheating on his)...HE is cheating.

[Dexter Morgan]

Why is it BS? Because you don't agree? Yes we are all responsible adults, but the responsibility to the BS lies with the WS.

 

so what you are saying is that it is perfectly acceptable to help yourself to someone elses husband?

 

sure, the H bears the main reponsibility to his wife, but is this what you are saying?

 

 

The invitation scenario takes one, not two. It happens every day...he is taking the choice to keep it from the BS...he is issuing the invitation and that's it. The WS has all of the control and makes all of the decisions. Who is on the other end is irrelevent...he is cheating on his partner (or she is cheating on his)...HE is cheating.

 

and its because of women like you that he is able to cheat.

[Impudent Oyster]

WOW.. it's not like we 'started' anything.. like I said before.. we didn't put a gun to his head..

 

He came to the OW.. not the other way around, in most cases.

 

If she causes no problems.. she'll have no problems... but if she did.. I would destroy what's left in her M...

 

 

LMAO, and just how do you think you're going to do that, by telling her that her husband F*cked you six ways to Sunday? Guess what, she already knows.

 

I find it hilarious that these OW think that;

 

A. They are telling the wife something that she doesn't already know if she's had a d-day and

 

B. That by exposing an affair or littering the neighborhood with flyers or other crap that they're hurting the BW.

 

The only person they're hurting is the MM, and believe me, once a psycho OW goes all bunny boiler on her MM or his wife, they will team up and wipe the floor with her.

 

The whole world knows about TIger Woods stupidity. Do you think anyone thinks less of Tiger Woods wife? Hell no, it's Tiger and the trampy trio wholook like lowlives. SHE isn't embarrassed, she did nothing wrong. If anything, I see a lot of support and empathy for Elin Woods. It's the same way for non-celebrities.

 

Go on, try it. Let's see you "destroy what's left of her marriage"