Reveal all to the BS or not?

[moaningmyrtle]

I have a question which is really about what an OW might be thinking but anyone is welcome to give an answer.

 

The assumptions are:

 

1. You are an OW.

2. There has been a d-day that was traumatic for the BW, the MM and the OW. This occurred months ago.

3. The MM decided to stay with his wife and ended it with you. NC has been maintained ever since. You are fairly sure the MM will never want to resume the A. You are wavering about whether you would want to be with him if his M broke up.

4. You as the OW are either angry or sad or both at the unexpected and abrupt end of the A.

5. You believe that the MM has not come completely clean with his wife about the A. You hinted this to her but she has never followed it up with you.

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

7. You have "incriminating" e-mails that will reveal the full extent and nature of the A.

 

My question is do you feel the BW ought to have the e-mails (or the full facts), do you feel any urge to reveal them to her or do you feel you need to keep them a secret?

 

Any thoughts please?

[seren]

Hope a comment from a W isn't off thread - once we had decided to rebuild our M after H's A, the issue wasn't so much about the finer points, the A was what it was. What else did I need to know other than it had happened, they had sex, had written etc etc. When OP sent me the emails and text messages I burned them unopened. I also lost any sympathy I had for her as this was someone who was supposed to love my H, had risked all (her words) to be with him and here she was wanting to cause hurt and pain in his world because it hadn't all gone to plan. See, this is something I wouldn't do as I love my H, if he and OP had stayed together I would be hurt, but would want him to be happy.

 

If the OP thinks the W needs to know stuff why wouldn't she just fess up at the beginning? If it mattered to be honest with the W, why wouldn't the OP just tell MM that he has to leave before the A begins? Revenge never works, takes away your dignity and while I am sure the OP hurts be content with knowing that all involved in an A hurt in some way.

[redplanet]

It may not be for revenge, it may be that the OW wants the MM to hate her (OW) soooo much it is the only way she can stop him relentlessly pursuing her even after he has told the BW (or another OOW) that the affair is over and that the MM would not like this at all, and that it is the only way after having blocked phone numbers and email addresses etc that the OW can have some relief from all the suffering.

 

I personally have wanted to send an email to the OOW to let her know about the continuing lies and deceit, but having spoken with a couple of close friends and my counsellor, and a couple of other comments from LS's, have decided against it. They say that it is me wanting revenge (or something along those lines), but from my perspective it is purely a mechanism for him to stop pursuing me, I know he would hate it and hopefully therefore hate me and leave me the F alone.

 

He is relentless, he is toxic, he deceives everyone, including himself.:sick:

[1Angel]

If BW asked for them give them to her, if not leave it alone.

You're angry, hurt or other range of emotions. That is understandable. Find a healthy way to process and release them.

[Brokenlady]

I think in this scenario I wouldn't feel compelled to reveal anything more. If the BW really wants to know something, she will come to the OW. I don't think it should be the other way around. It just looks of bitter grapes. And ultimately, if the BW decides to stay with the MM based on his lies or omission, that's between them - it's not the OW's place to try to right the wrongs within the marriage as she's already been involved in the marriage way too much. I'd probably save them just in case the BW came to me, but it's hard to say because I never had the situation - my MM moved out and got divorced, never told me he was going to try to save his marriage.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You don't seem to be in a good place with this right now, AEB #6. Your exposure and resulting trouble from it is because you chose to have an affair, which was your own doing and has nothing to do with the choices made by the woman you were participating in deceiving. If MM is still contacting you after you've asked him not to THEN you should tell his wife that and only that. To continue to try and hurt this woman is cruel and childish.

[Impudent Oyster]

My thoughts are that this sounds completely like a revenge move (for the "BW causing trouble to the OW", which, BTW, give me a break, the OW wouldn't have to worry about her dirty laundry being aired if she didn't soil it, so quit blaming the BW) designed to cause acrimony between the MM and his wife.

 

Leave it alone, leave them alone. I'm sure you didn't care about the BW having all the facts BEFORE D-day, so you're concern for her having "the truth" now is hardly sincere.

 

It just reeks of bitterness.

[Lizzie60]

Assuming it happens to me:

 

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

7. You have "incriminating" e-mails that will reveal the full extent and nature of the A.

 

Oh-M-G... if the BS would cause trouble.. there is no end to the troubles I can cause.. and I would.. trust me.. I would..

 

It all depends on the situation.. if the W finds out.. and deals with their problems without causing any trouble.. then I would simply move on.

 

B U T.. don't mess with Lizzie..

[Impudent Oyster]

Assuming it happens to me:

 

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

7. You have "incriminating" e-mails that will reveal the full extent and nature of the A.

 

Oh-M-G... if the BS would cause trouble.. there is no end to the troubles I can cause.. and I would.. trust me.. I would..

 

It all depends on the situation.. if the W finds out.. and deals with their problems without causing any trouble.. then I would simply move on.

 

B U T.. don't mess with Lizzie..

 

Nice. YOU sleep with someone else's husband and then what, expect her to shut-up, slink away and protect you? HA!

 

I so don't get this attitude. You chose to be the OW, so accept the responsibility for your choices.

 

When I found out about my husband and the woman who I thought was my friend, I told EVERYONE about her. It's a small town, I hope I caused her a fraction of the pain and discomfort she caused me.

[foreal]

I have a question which is really about what an OW might be thinking but anyone is welcome to give an answer.

 

The assumptions are:

 

1. You are an OW.

2. There has been a d-day that was traumatic for the BW, the MM and the OW. This occurred months ago.

3. The MM decided to stay with his wife and ended it with you. NC has been maintained ever since. You are fairly sure the MM will never want to resume the A. You are wavering about whether you would want to be with him if his M broke up.

4. You as the OW are either angry or sad or both at the unexpected and abrupt end of the A.

5. You believe that the MM has not come completely clean with his wife about the A. You hinted this to her but she has never followed it up with you.

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

7. You have "incriminating" e-mails that will reveal the full extent and nature of the A.

 

My question is do you feel the BW ought to have the e-mails (or the full facts), do you feel any urge to reveal them to her or do you feel you need to keep them a secret?

 

Any thoughts please?

 

I am a BW. I'd want to see what you have. I'd like to line up what you have with what my H has said. But I let the MOW in my case know this in the beginning- she did not give up anything though.

 

So if the BW has asked you, then provide it. If not, then I'd think twice before doing it.

[Impudent Oyster]

I have enough on 'my husbands OW' that I could ruin her life completely and totally ( she would lose her job, any respect people may have for her, her home, etc.). But it would be a double edged sword , as if I got to their workplace with this information, my husband would also be affected, and that would affect our family.

 

My situation is kind of different than many I see on here- there wasn't really any "love' for my husband from this OW- she just used him to get ahead at work ( we'll sleep together- then I have something on him and i can hold that over his head so that he has to give me good evaluations, schedules, promotions, etc. or else I'll cry "harassment"- she has done this before).

I want to make her stop so that she won't do that to someone else, but it will hurt my own family to do it- so I'm stuck.

 

there's nothing she could tell me that would hurt me any more than I already am... but, as I said, i could really hurt her

 

That really stinks...here's hoping karma takes care of her.

[Impudent Oyster]

I am a BW. I'd want to see what you have. I'd like to line up what you have with what my H has said. But I let the MOW in my case know this in the beginning- she did not give up anything though.

 

So if the BW has asked you, then provide it. If not, then I'd think twice before doing it.

 

 

Given the fact that this OW is obviously out for revenge and is just trying to cause problems for the BW and her H...how much could you trust this "info" that she has?

 

She could edit the emails. I wouldn't trust a scorned OW as far as I could throw her.

 

She isn't interested in helping anyone, she's only trying to deepen the rift and in getting revenge.

[Lizzie60]

Nice. YOU sleep with someone else's husband and then what, expect her to shut-up, slink away and protect you? HA!

 

I so don't get this attitude. You chose to be the OW, so accept the responsibility for your choices.

 

When I found out about my husband and the woman who I thought was my friend, I told EVERYONE about her. It's a small town, I hope I caused her a fraction of the pain and discomfort she caused me.

 

I certainly do NOT expect her to protect me.. ... but to cause me trouble.. no way.. I would destroy her.. if she tried anything like that.

 

I am single.. so it doesn't matter to me what others think... I know I can't lose my job for having an affair.. I'm not in the private sector.

 

Plus I certainly didn't put a gun to her H's head.. so it's more HIS fault than mine.. and if most Ws wouldn't be so frigid.. that wouldn't happen in MOST cases..

[turnstone]

Given the fact that this OW is obviously out for revenge and is just trying to cause problems for the BW and her H...how much could you trust this "info" that she has?

 

She could edit the emails. I wouldn't trust a scorned OW as far as I could throw her.

 

She isn't interested in helping anyone, she's only trying to deepen the rift and in getting revenge.

 

^^^^ this.

 

I have received plenty of information from the various OW my nearly ex husband was having sex with. I've trashed it all for the very reasons stated here.

[whichwayisup]

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

 

You can be angry, but angry at yourself more! You are the one who chose to have an affair with a MM, and when an A ends, one has to OWN their part in it. Part of the consquence is the fallout and unfortunately, as you see, EVERYONE gets hurt.

 

Let it go and move on. Heal yourself. Let MM and his wife figure out their marriage without you interferring.

[whichwayisup]

Wait a minute.. Moaning, I read your other thread, you are the BS.. So does this mean your H's exOW has those emails and has sent them to you?

 

Or do you mean that the evidence is going to be given to xOW's spouse?

[Spark1111]

This is a tough one, I think. You may cause more pain if she does not care to see them.

 

On the other hand, knowing all may help her heal.

 

I would think, if requested, send them, because not sending them at this point when the affair has ended, who are you still protecting? Your AP? Yourself? The affair?

 

If not requested by the BS or WS, what is the point?

[whattodonow12]

I don't think that it serves anything to reveal everything to the BS, in general. In the situation that I was in, she was lied to about the extent of our relationship and does not know everything that happened.(meaning not knowing that there really was an emotional and physical affair) She believes that I was just a woman attempting to draw her H into an affair, and he did nothing wrong but email/talk to me once in a while. It is not my place to fill in the blanks there now. However, if she came at me with both barrels as indicated in the original post by contacting coworkers and family. I would definitely fill her in on the "truth."

 

I think the best circumstance would be to just let it lie and let them work on their marriage, but they would need to "keep" it in the marriage for that to work.

Edited December 2, 2009 by whattodonow12

[moaningmyrtle]

Wait a minute.. Moaning, I read your other thread, you are the BS.. So does this mean your H's exOW has those emails and has sent them to you?

 

Or do you mean that the evidence is going to be given to xOW's spouse?

 

Yes I'm the BW.

 

The OW has told me she has these e-mails, but seems to be waiting for me to ask - could this be possible? I guess I'm wondering if she might just be dangling their existence over my and my H's head or whether she really wants me to ask to see them. We are in NC so asking her would mean me breaking NC - not my H who wants nothing more to do with her, but he is worried me asking will cause a ruckus. His copies of the e-mails are long gone apart from a few that went to another account that still exists.

 

Some of the assumptions are pure speculation on my part as I don't really know what she's going through (ie whether she's hurt or angry or both).

 

One thing I do know though is that neither my H nor I have given her any information about how our marriage rebuilding is going and it seems she really wants to know this. During the minimal contact she and I had, and later both my H and I together had, she continually returned to asking whether we were managing OK. I don't think she had my best interests at heart when trying to find this out so basically we gave her no information either way. Our M is none of her business now and as far as I'm concerned never has been.

[foreal]

Yes I'm the BW.

 

The OW has told me she has these e-mails, but seems to be waiting for me to ask - could this be possible? I guess I'm wondering if she might just be dangling their existence over my and my H's head or whether she really wants me to ask to see them. We are in NC so asking her would mean me breaking NC - not my H who wants nothing more to do with her, but he is worried me asking will cause a ruckus. His copies of the e-mails are long gone apart from a few that went to another account that still exists.

 

Some of the assumptions are pure speculation on my part as I don't really know what she's going through (ie whether she's hurt or angry or both).

 

One thing I do know though is that neither my H nor I have given her any information about how our marriage rebuilding is going and it seems she really wants to know this. During the minimal contact she and I had, and later both my H and I together had, she continually returned to asking whether we were managing OK. I don't think she had my best interests at heart when trying to find this out so basically we gave her no information either way. Our M is none of her business now and as far as I'm concerned never has been.

 

After reading this- I say don't break NC. She's out- keep her out. She can keep the damn emails and re-read them all she wants. But stay NC!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

She's still trying to manipulate and interfere. NC, your marriage is none of her concern. What a piece of work.

[PhoenixRise]

Myrtle

 

If you think she has information that would make a difference in your decision to reconcile with your H then ask her to send the emails.

 

Be prepared though...you may get highly edited and manipulated information from her or she may decide not to give you any information at all.

 

AND know that if you break NC she may not go away quietly when you get what you want.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

 

Absolutely, yes. I have always contended that if my MM or his W purposefully caused any complications in my life because of d-day my goal would become to emotionally destroy her and any chance of reconciliation beyond belief. I’m just the type of person that if you screw me, I’m going to get revenge somehow. I expect my MM to throw me under the bus if his W finds out, but I also expect him to protect me like I have protected him for years. If d-day came and his W contacted me after the A for information, I would still protect him. But not after causing problems with my family and at work.

 

My MM and I don’t email/text, but I have collected incriminating evidence just in case this situation arises. I have cell records of him calling at all hours 50-80 times a month, video of him with me coming and going from my place, about 2hrs of voice messages from him, and a couple of souvenirs that can be proven to be his. I could also cause MM severe problems at his work, but it would have to go pretty far for me to do that because it could really cause a lot of additionally damage. If he continued to let the BW cause problems then I would probably take it to his job.

[hopeless4u]

I have a question which is really about what an OW might be thinking but anyone is welcome to give an answer.

 

The assumptions are:

 

1. You are an OW.

2. There has been a d-day that was traumatic for the BW, the MM and the OW. This occurred months ago.

3. The MM decided to stay with his wife and ended it with you. NC has been maintained ever since. You are fairly sure the MM will never want to resume the A. You are wavering about whether you would want to be with him if his M broke up.

4. You as the OW are either angry or sad or both at the unexpected and abrupt end of the A.

5. You believe that the MM has not come completely clean with his wife about the A. You hinted this to her but she has never followed it up with you.

6. You are angry at the BW because her exposure of the A has caused you problems with your family and at work.

7. You have "incriminating" e-mails that will reveal the full extent and nature of the A.

 

My question is do you feel the BW ought to have the e-mails (or the full facts), do you feel any urge to reveal them to her or do you feel you need to keep them a secret?

 

Any thoughts please?

 

I haven't had a chance to read all the posts but I think if the BS has decided to make a M work without the knowledge her WH's A then thats wrong, as in my case. I have said all along the BW should know all the facts but thats not my place to let her know.

I have plenty of proof and could quite easily expose our A but really, does that help anybody, In don't think so.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by moaningmyrtle

The OW has told me she has these e-mails, but seems to be waiting for me to ask - could this be possible? I guess I'm wondering if she might just be dangling their existence over my and my H's head or whether she really wants me to ask to see them…One thing I do know though is that neither my H nor I have given her any information about how our marriage rebuilding is going and it seems she really wants to know this…I don't think she had my best interests at heart when trying to find this out so basically we gave her no information either way. Our M is none of her business now and as far as I'm concerned never has been.

 

I think you are 100% correct in your thinking and actions. Even though I am the OW, I know I have certain boundaries. One of them is whether I’m current or former, his M is none of my business and if my MM told me so I’d have to respect it. Your concentration, concern, and energy should go toward your M, not the OW. She doesn’t have your interest or concern at heart; otherwise she wouldn’t have started or continued to see your H. My MM talks about his W and M at times. Sometimes I initiate questions or talk about her. None of it has to do with my concern for his W. Anything I know or want to know is for or used to my own purposes. I’ve always found it funny when OW say “I think his W deserves to know the truth” after the fact. It’s total b*llsh*t.