I am heartbroken and confused

[JP72]

Hello,

 

I am so confused about my marriage. I have been married for about 14 months and have been with my wife for nearly 4 years. I am 27 and she is 24. The first 3 years and 6 months were terrific. We were a great couple. We always did things together, we talked, we would tell each other how much we were in love with each other and we often dreamed of our future together. We had many of the same interests and we never fought. I thought our relationship was going very well.

 

Unfortunately the last 3 1/2 months have been a nightmare for me. In early September my wife started to seem a little distant to wards me, but I thought she was just tired from her job and stressed. I tried to get her to talk to me but she told me nothing was wrong. Around the middle of October she really changed her feelings for me. She stopped communicating with me and basically stopped wanting to do anything with me. She told me she did't enjoy coming home to me anymore and that she worked extra hours at work to avoid being around me. SHe told me she was tired of how selfish i have been in our relationship and how I did'nt do things for her.

 

I was not aware of these feelings before, but after she told me this I worked to fix these problems, but it did't seem to matter. She said that she could not trust that I would not fall back into my old ways again and she did not know if she could love me again. SHe told me it might be too late. This took me by total surprise. I realized my mistakes and I worked to show her that I could fix them. I thought I showed her how much I loved her and how much I cared but she said it wasn't good enough.

 

Also, during this time since mid October she has been going out with some new friends she has at work. She has been going out to clubs with these people around 2-3 nights a week. I asked her if I could go along but she said that she did not want me too. She said that she wanted this time away from me. I don't think she is cheating on me, I just think she is having fun. Still, it's depressing to me that she spends her Friday and Saturday nights with other people. We used to always do things together on these nights. My wife has never really had a time in her life where she could go out and party with her friends. She took care of her mom until she was 20 and then she met me. She basically has never been independent. I wonder if she just wanted to experience the single life.

 

Anyway this weekend she left me and told me she did not know when she would be coming back, if ever. She was talking about a divorce as she walked out the door. I love this woman more than anything and I desperately want her back, but I am so scared that I have lost her. I am just so confused by how she has changed in just the last few months. I really want her to come back, but i am afraid that if I try to contact her I will just push her away more. I am so lonely without her and I have told her this but she doesn't seem to care.

 

Thanks for letting me tell my story.

[lala]

if you had same food everyday, you would get sick even once it was your favorite. She's got too much of you.

 

Let her go, and leave her alone. Do Not call her, Do Not contact her. Give her enough time and space to think. it's common that people dont cherish things which are easy to get, and very often people take whoever love them for granted.

 

Play hard to get. and at the meantime, try to learn and do new things, meet new people....improve yourself and expand your life in different ways, dont focus on how to please her, but on your own well-being.

 

if she ever comes back for a new you, then, she is yours. if not, then, it were never meant to be.

[Timbo]

JP72,

 

My heart goes out to you in a big way. I am in a situation not unlike your own. I am 28, my wife is 24 and we are separated as well (we also have a 5yr old son together).

 

I don't mean to put you on the defensive, but I must ask a question of you:

 

Have you been/are you emotionally dependent on her? Do you rely on her for your personal happiness?

 

I only ask because I think that is the most damning problem I have had in my marriage and I hear alot of my story in your story (if that makes sense).

 

It can be extremely tiring over time to carry the weight of making 2 people happy. You have to be happy for/with yourself in order to bring anything to a relationship.

 

I would suggest that you get out and find something that you can do on your own to bring yourself happiness. Second job, that getaway that you've always put off, attending class for something you've always wanted to learn etc..

 

Your gut instinct about the contact and pushing her away is right. That's the last thing you want to do. If she contacts you, then let the conversation go where it goes, but don't try and lead it.

 

Hang in there, bud.

[JP72]

THanks for responding so quickly to my post.

 

I think I have been very dependent on my wife for happiness. She has basically been my whole life since the day I met her. Everyday I couldn't wait to see her in the morning and talk to her after work. Most of the time our weekends were spent together. I basically wrapped my life around her. She did the same to me until just recently when she started pulling away. I guess she just wanted to experience new things and new people in her life. I just didn't understand it at the time.

 

I think I made our situation worse by pushing her to talk to me and be with me when she didn't want to be; I should have left her alone and do her own thing. It was just so hard when I am used to one thing but its not there anymore. I think I pushed her away.

 

I just hope that she will sit down and think about our relationship before she decides to do anything drastic like asking for a divorce. I told her to please hold off on that because I wasn't ready. Hopefully she will, but I don't know. I wanted her to go to marriage counseling but she would not go, she said she didn't like talking to other people about our problems. I know you can't make someone try if they don't want to, but I guess I am just having a problem believing she doesn't want to try anymore.

 

Thanks.

[JP72]

Well its been two weeks since my wife left the house and the only contact I have had with her were a couple of phone calls and emails that I sent her regarding some bills and things (we still share the same checking account). During one of the calls I slipped and began to ask her questions as to why she left me. She was not happy about this (I knew she wouldn't be) and she told me that basically she felt she was missing out on things. She is only 24 years old. I asked her if she thinks about me and she says "of course" but I don't think she spends much time thinking about our marriage. I do know that she still goes out about 3 nights a week to clubs with her new friends. I think she is happy that we are separated because now she is able to party without worrying about what I might say. I think she looks forward to being single.

 

SHe is currently living with her mom and borther and his wife. I was hoping that since she was living there she might not go out quite as much but I guess not. I wonder if any of her family has talked to her about our separation? Basically, she has been separated from me for 2 weeks and she goes on like life is just great for her, which it probably is. But her family has got to think that its strange that she keeps going out to clubs and stuff and doesn't seem to worry about our marriage and what happened.

 

I just know my wife and this is not her. She has become something that is totally opposite of what she was before. I have known her for almost 4 years and she had one personality the whole time until the last 3-4 months. I keep hoping that she might be going through a faze and eventually she will come around but I don't know anymore. I am giving up hope on her and I. I just don't think she will come back to me. I love her so much, but I am starting to realize that I have to prepare to let go.

 

I should see her soon because she has to drop some stuff off at the house that is mine. I don't know what to do when I see her though. I don't know how to act. Part of me is excited to think that she will be coming over, but the other part of me doens't want her to come over because I fear what she might say to me. I know I just need to stay positive and stay strong. She has just hurt me so much. I gave her everything I had and she did the same to me until just recently.

 

My whole life is basically a mess. I have some good days and some bad. Christmas eve wasn't too bad, but Christmas was horrible. Yesterday was a good day but today has started off not so good. The mornings are the worst. I lay in bed thinking about her and I. I am going to a counselor next week who hopefully can help me deal with some of these issues I have. I never thought I would be excited about going to see a psychologist, but I am really looking forward to it.

 

Thanks

[mjk]

You have made a fantastic decision to talk to a professional because he or she can really help to organize your thoughts here.

 

Start over at the place where you "slipped" on asking her about this and that.

 

lala's advice is rock-solid for sure. It is sooooo hard to do though.

 

Maybe, if you can...try to not be there when she comes by. Try that! Also, keep the e-mails etc. business only, not rude or sarcastic, just to the point.

 

24 years old is a very rough time for some. My former wife was 20 y.o. when we met and almost 26 y.o. currently.

 

Now that we are apart, I know she is working hard to find her balance too.

[HurtinginVA]

 

I just know my wife and this is not her. She has become something that is totally opposite of what she was before. I have known her for almost 4 years and she had one personality the whole time until the last 3-4 months. I keep hoping that she might be going through a faze and eventually she will come around but I don't know anymore. I am giving up hope on her and I. I just don't think she will come back to me. I love her so much, but I am starting to realize that I have to prepare to let go.

 

Dont give up! If you are truly in love, dont give up too easy or you will get a bad case of the "what if's" sooner or later. You can still get up and go to work, even go out with your friends and begin to "move on" but that doesnt mean that you have to give up totally. Im glad I didnt, even though it was only about 2 weeks ago that people were telling me to. Things are going 100% better for me, because not only could I not give up on my husband, but I wasnt about to give up on the institution of love itself.

 

She has just hurt me so much. I gave her everything I had and she did the same to me until just recently.

 

She is most likely hurting as well. Have you tried marriagebuilders.com? Very good site that talks about the giving and taking involved in marriages~helped me understand a LOT.

 

My whole life is basically a mess. I have some good days and some bad. I am going to a counselor next week who hopefully can help me deal with some of these issues I have. I never thought I would be excited about going to see a psychologist, but I am really looking forward to it.

 

Good days and bad days happened before you wife needed space, you just didnt notice it as much. Seeking counseling is a great idea! Im looking into it, myself, keep us posted on how things go. Who knows? Maybe you going will get your wife thinking about going with you?

 

Hang in there

[figuringitout]

Tough Situation Bud -

 

My initial reaction would be to move on. You don't want to be with anyone that is headed in that direction.

 

Given your strong feelings for her (which I kept me with my wife), I would say get separated, be on your own for a while and get your head on. Perhaps she will get her head on too.

 

If this does not happen, move on and know that you gave it your best effort.

[TUSCAN]

damn.. keep your head up man.. sounds like your wife just discovered the whole "going out" thing.. if she never had a chance to party and go clubbing, finally going could become addictive to her.. but she will get bored of it at some point, just dont hold your breath.. maybe you should hit up the club with a few of your buddies, flirt and mingle, maybe she will see you enjoying the same thing she is and come back to her senses?? just dont make it look like your there to stalk her.. if you run into her act suprised to see her, and make sure to have a good time in front of her.. It may not even work, but its an idea.

[JP72]

Quick update on my situation.

 

My wife came over to the house yesterday to get some stuff but I wasn't home. THis morning I went to see her and we sat down and had a talk. It was a nice talk, there was no arguing or anything. I feel after this talk she has made it clear that she is ready to move on with her life. She told me she talked to a lawyer and figured out what we would need to do to get a dissolution. She was very fair to me and is offering me a very fair deal as far as assets and things go. I would actually probably end up with more than she would with the dissolution.

 

The whole meeting was so strange for me though. I was having a conversation with my wife and I was enjoying talking to her except of course the subject was one that I wouldn't want to talk about. She was so nice to me and it's hard for me to be angry at her. I know I need to do what's best and that is too just move on and get the dissolution, but right now it's still so hard for me to deal with. I told her to give me some more time. She basically told me if I didn't want a dissolution we could get a divorce instead, but I don't want that. We seem to agree on how to split things up and we don't have any kids, I just wish we could make our marriage work out. After today, I am beginning to realize that she does not want that to happen. I got to find a way to move on, but it's so hard right now.

 

Thanks

[figuringitout]

Sorry to hear that you are hurting Bud.

 

I am sure that the cliches are flowing your way, so I won't offer more.

 

Go on a cool vacation...10 days a the least. Sleep, drink and be merry.

[dancinbarefooted]

I am writing this to any one who can help me I am in a relationship where my boyfriend always exspects me to pay half for every thing even knowing I do not make as much as him on the other hand we enjoy doing things togeather he has alot of money saved and is very tight with his money. I am struggling and am broke there is some one else in another state who we share alot togeather and he said he would take care of me we share grandchildren he is my daughters daughters grandfather and I am grandma we get along so good he wants me to move there with him a part of me wants to so bad but I can break it off with the one here he plays mind games with me and makes me feel bad sincerey me