How many WAWs have regretted their decision?

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I am on the brink of being a walk-away wife.

 

I have thought about this long and hard and despite knowing that it is a painful and difficult decision for all involved, it is still something I will probably do.

 

People talk about WAWs being in "affair fog" etc. There is no affair fog here. However yes it's possible there is "MLC" fog. Possible, but again, I am still probably going to take this step.

 

What I would like to hear from is WAWs who regretted their decision (or did not regret it). I'd prefer to hear directly from the WAWs themselves, not the just from men who have stories of how horribly their ex-wives are doing and are all messed up, because obviously there will be a lot of bias there.

[Boundary Problem]

I walked away. Zero regrets.

 

You kind of need to hit rock bottom first though.

 

 

Counselling failed etc.

[FeelingLonely98]

I am a BS, not a WAW/WAH. I read your other posts.

 

It sounds to me like you still want that initial butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling. After having sex 1000s of times can it be the same? The attraction as intense as in the beginning? After the initial endorphin induced feelings of love subside, and they always do, then love becomes a choice. It is more work. That is where unconditional love kicks in.

 

My STBXW is a WAW. I'll let you know if she ever regrets it. I bet my sons' lives on it she will. She is 47 and left a good M 13 weeks ago for an 18 yr old HS boy.

 

Sounds like your H needs to check into NA or AA. His addiction sounds like it IS a problem though.

 

Once you walk I think that is when you will be 99% gone. Make sure before you leave.

[FeelingLonely98]

I walked away. Zero regrets.

 

You kind of need to hit rock bottom first though.

 

 

Counselling failed etc.

 

If I remember correctly BP - didn't your H turn out to be gay? Of course you will not regret it.

 

IMO, most WAWs that leave a decent or good M will regret it at some point. If they are leaving a bad M (or a sexually incompatible spouse) then of course no regrets.

 

Maybe a better question is "How many WAWs have run from a good M and regretted it?"

or "How many WAWs have run from a good M without allowing a chance to fix the problems and regretted it?"

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I am a BS, not a WAW/WAH. I read your other posts.

 

It sounds to me like you still want that initial butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling. After having sex 1000s of times can it be the same?

 

I never HAD that "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feeling with him. And I know that and am not simply rewriting marital history because I have come across old journal entries where I mentioned that. I assumed the lack of butterflies meant it was a more "mature", "grounded" and stable relationship. We did get along very well, easily, and comfortably though.

 

Basically what I want is to feel happy and warm and loved, and WANT to be affectionate with my spouse. Doesn't have to be the wild passionate "in love" stage.

 

And, well, about the sex, don't know if it can be the same, cause it's been 2 years since we've had any.

 

I do agree that I'd like to hear the answer to the question... which I would phrase, "How many WAWs have walked away from a M with no obvious huge problems like Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction, and regretted it?" (Obviously if it was a good M, they wouldn't have walked away, would they?) In my case there are addiction issues, but even when he's abstained from alcohol, I've still felt the same way, which is why I'm not necessarily attributing the issues to his substance dependencies.

Edited December 2, 2009 by SimplyBeingLoved

[FeelingLonely98]

And, well, about the sex, don't know if it can be the same, cause it's been 2 years since we've had any.

 

Wow, My STBXW and I were having sex just a few days before she walked out on me for her 18 yr old boytoy. And it was good - for her - at least it seemed like it.

 

Maybe it is time ... for you to find a new path in life. What's the point if there is no intimacy. (Unless there is a physical disability then I think a marriage without sex is not much of a M.)

[floridapad]

SBL. Don't do it My wife is in MLC and is crushed for what she did. Dont' do it. Just kidding.... Honestly though, there are sites far better than this one specifically for women in MLC. I wish I could remember them but I looked at all of them some time ago and there were some great forums for support on women in MLC. Some decided to stay in the marriages and some decided to bail. Please look at them and think about joining some of them. MLC sucks. Truthfully, my wife is in Hell and it kills me to see her that way despite all the Sh*t she pulled.

[nobmagnet]

i walked away from my first marriage. It killed me. He was my love we had a baby. I was only 22 but what he did.......well I wasnt mature enough to get my head around.

regret......... 16 years on. some but not much, we love each other but not in a marriage way. I deeply care about his well being ( his partener is having an affaire) it is really very real to love somebody that you "LOVED" but not be with them or indeed want to. He is a very good mate to me. I cherish that. when you mae children its important to remember that you loved them once. stuff changes. If i told you what he did you might realise.It wsnt not easy to get your head around at 22 belive me. **** i should say shouldnt I??

 

gimmie a mo

x

[nobmagnet]

ok here goes,

 

 

sorry to bore you chaps but its just got to me.

 

 

He phones me at work and says "the police have been round"

I ask why

" I was pegging the washing out with nothing on and the neighbour saw me"

ok

why did the police come round?

" I might have touched myself when she saw me"

eh???

What do you mean?

" just come home"

I did and it transpires he did this lots to her and papergirls feeling sick??I should say.

police came I supported him though the hidious ritual of what he had been doing over the past two years. I left.

 

15 years healing and him being a good dad and friend.............yes i recon he had a strange blip or .............dare i say perv. hey he has proven to be a good dad. A good mate.

 

not quite sure what i am tryning to say now apart from they can either be on a pedastool or the worst person on the planet. without them you would never be you and nor would they, He loves me, I love him. but would never go back.

 

soz its a pickled rant

xx

[Gypsy_Soul]

I never HAD that "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feeling with him. And I know that and am not simply rewriting marital history because I have come across old journal entries where I mentioned that. I assumed the lack of butterflies meant it was a more "mature", "grounded" and stable relationship. We did get along very well, easily, and comfortably though.

 

Basically what I want is to feel happy and warm and loved, and WANT to be affectionate with my spouse. Doesn't have to be the wild passionate "in love" stage.

 

And, well, about the sex, don't know if it can be the same, cause it's been 2 years since we've had any.

 

I do agree that I'd like to hear the answer to the question... which I would phrase, "How many WAWs have walked away from a M with no obvious huge problems like Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction, and regretted it?" (Obviously if it was a good M, they wouldn't have walked away, would they?) In my case there are addiction issues, but even when he's abstained from alcohol, I've still felt the same way, which is why I'm not necessarily attributing the issues to his substance dependencies.

 

Wow, you sound exactly like another poster who goes by the screen name anne09.

[FeelingLonely98]

Wow, you sound exactly like another poster who goes by the screen name anne09.

 

GG - I thought the SAME thing 1st time I read her thread.

(Same mold, all of them? Need to validated and justified and innocent for what they are about to unleash on the world?)

[HarmonyHope]

I never HAD that "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feeling with him. And I know that and am not simply rewriting marital history because I have come across old journal entries where I mentioned that. I assumed the lack of butterflies meant it was a more "mature", "grounded" and stable relationship. We did get along very well, easily, and comfortably though.

 

Basically what I want is to feel happy and warm and loved, and WANT to be affectionate with my spouse. Doesn't have to be the wild passionate "in love" stage.

 

And, well, about the sex, don't know if it can be the same, cause it's been 2 years since we've had any.

 

I do agree that I'd like to hear the answer to the question... which I would phrase, "How many WAWs have walked away from a M with no obvious huge problems like Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction, and regretted it?" (Obviously if it was a good M, they wouldn't have walked away, would they?) In my case there are addiction issues, but even when he's abstained from alcohol, I've still felt the same way, which is why I'm not necessarily attributing the issues to his substance dependencies.

 

I've been in your boat and I can say I have no regrets. Since we divorced, he has been a much better father to my kids and has plenty of off-time for all his extracurricular activites (alcohol, porn, etc) when my kids are not around him and don't have to be exposed to it. We get along better than when we were together, and I only have to clean up after 2 small kids, not 3 (if you get my drift). I just came to the conclusion that I would be happier being alone than with him. If you can say and really mean the same, you will be fine.

[FeelingLonely98]

I've been in your boat and I can say I have no regrets. Since we divorced, he has been a much better father to my kids and has plenty of off-time for all his extracurricular activites (alcohol, porn, etc) when my kids are not around him and don't have to be exposed to it. We get along better than when we were together, and I only have to clean up after 2 small kids, not 3 (if you get my drift). I just came to the conclusion that I would be happier being alone than with him. If you can say and really mean the same, you will be fine.

 

It seems that most of the posting WAWs that are happy with their decision really had bad Ms that they should have left. In HH's case a porn addict and an alcoholic. Who would want to be around that? I never hear of a WAW that says yes I had a good M, just decided I was not in love anymore and left and I am happy with my choice. I think more often than not lust leads WAWs to leave. Not a pursuit of happiness. They will rewrite the M history then leave.

 

Not trying to be judgemental of you HH.

[HarmonyHope]

It seems that most of the posting WAWs that are happy with their decision really had bad Ms that they should have left. In HH's case a porn addict and an alcoholic. Who would want to be around that? I never hear of a WAW that says yes I had a good M, just decided I was not in love anymore and left and I am happy with my choice. I think more often than not lust leads WAWs to leave. Not a pursuit of happiness. They will rewrite the M history then leave.

 

Not trying to be judgemental of you HH.

 

Well, not being in love with him was certainly part of it. It'd require a really long explanation, but the bottom line is that we had a dysfunctional connection from the get go. i got better, he didn't. Was I ever really in love with him or was it the dysfunction? I don't know. I've looked at cards and notes I wrote him and they seem empty, forced, contrived. And they're really short. I've also looked at letters I wrote him over the years discussing how unhappy I was. Those are long. I can't compare the feeling I have for my bf now to my xH - there is no comparison. So likely it is that I wasn't in love with my xH, even as much as I cared about him. Part of what I thought about as I ended the marriage is that I cared for him to enough to let him go find someone who could love him the way a wife should. And in the end, he was able to recognize that our M wasn't so great. Not horrible maybe, but not good.

 

For me, the rewrite was occurring when I was in the marriage. I convinced myself it was a good marriage even though my gut told me otherwise. I remeber standing in the church on my wedding day thinking it was a bad idea. I just shoved everything under the rug and painted on a happy face. THAT was the history rewrite - believeing it was all good. The reality was that it wasn't good. Sometimes the so-called 'marital history re-write' that occurs after divorce is actually more accurate.

 

It was living life feeling dead inside, walking on eggshells and increasing apathy. That was no way to live.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I am not ann09. Our stories may look similar on the surface but the relationship dynamics are probably completely different.

 

Not looking for justification or validation. I haven't gone into all the details because I don't feel it's necessary. It's a big step I'm contemplating and understandably I'm not rushing into this. I have been contemplating this for nearly 2 years, so it's not some hormone-induced, crisis-driven change.

[FeelingLonely98]

Part of what I thought about as I ended the marriage is that I cared for him to enough to let him go find someone who could love him the way a wife should.

 

I always thought this "line" given by WS's was such Mother F*ck*ng BS. All that is is a cop out to trying to REALLY fix the marriage.

Liars!!

[FeelingLonely98]

I always thought this "line" given by WS's was such Mother F*ck*ng BS. All that is is a cop out to trying to REALLY fix the marriage. Liars!!

 

Sorry that post was a little angry!! I had just returned home and was a little drunk!

 

But I do believe this. My STBXW said this to me. As if that would justify and validate her throwing in the towel on 16 yrs and not even trying for one second to see if we "fix" the problem.

 

All the BSs always trade up. All the cheaters always trade down - WAY down. Doesn't mean that we want the D just because we will find a MUCH MUCH better partner then the cheater.

[HarmonyHope]

Sorry that post was a little angry!! I had just returned home and was a little drunk!

 

But I do believe this. My STBXW said this to me. As if that would justify and validate her throwing in the towel on 16 yrs and not even trying for one second to see if we "fix" the problem.

 

All the BSs always trade up. All the cheaters always trade down - WAY down. Doesn't mean that we want the D just because we will find a MUCH MUCH better partner then the cheater.

 

Yow, apparently I touched a nerve there. To be fair, I did try in my M. We went to counseling before we were married because our relationship was awful then. It didn't change much. After we got married, things got progressively worse. I suggested counseling, and he said it was all crap, that it hadn't done any good the time before, and he was not interested - in short. So, I went to counseling by myself. I had just discovered I was pregnant ( a miracle considering my medical history and our lack of sex), and he acted like SUCH a jerk when i told him, it was unbelieveable. I went to counseling to find a way to stick it out until my daughter turned 1. And I did. A week after her birthday party, we split.

[FeelingLonely98]

Yow, apparently I touched a nerve there. To be fair, I did try in my M. We went to counseling before we were married because our relationship was awful then. It didn't change much. After we got married, things got progressively worse. I suggested counseling, and he said it was all crap, that it hadn't done any good the time before, and he was not interested - in short. So, I went to counseling by myself. I had just discovered I was pregnant ( a miracle considering my medical history and our lack of sex), and he acted like SUCH a jerk when i told him, it was unbelieveable. I went to counseling to find a way to stick it out until my daughter turned 1. And I did. A week after her birthday party, we split.

 

OK - I can see your side. In my case the WAW never tried.

[Sands_of_time]

I am on the brink of being a walk-away wife.

 

SBL - May I ask--as you contemplate your life without your H, where do you see yourself romantically in 5 years?

 

With another? Or living alone, perhaps?

[SimplyBeingLoved]

SBL - May I ask--as you contemplate your life without your H, where do you see yourself romantically in 5 years?

 

With another? Or living alone, perhaps?

 

Possibly dating. I actually don't think I want to get married again, if I do end up getting divorced. I think people have a tendency to change so much after marriage (courting behavior often being very different than married behavior). And I honestly think it takes *years* to really get to know someone deeply. Plus the "until death do us part..." NEVER ever sat well with me. (Our vows did not have that exact statement, but still...)

 

I needed the validation of marriage 20 years ago. I don't think I need that any more. But I do see myself eventually dating/having a BF.

[sumdude]

Plus the "until death do us part..." NEVER ever sat well with me. (Our vows did not have that exact statement, but still...)

 

I guess this says it all.

[FeelingLonely98]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SimplyBeingLoved

Plus the "until death do us part..." NEVER ever sat well with me. (Our vows did not have that exact statement, but still...)

 

 

I guess this says it all.

 

EXACTLY. My thoughts too SD. ... no wonder ...

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I'm just being honest. I would be very surprised if nobody else found that concept a bit "scary." Yes, deep down, I felt nervous about it. However, I pushed it way way back in my mind and refused to think about it for the longest time.

 

Or course, I hoped for the very best. I did assume I would stay married regardless, however. I did love my husband when we got married. We got along great back then. We still get along well as friends. My parents stayed married to their first and only spouses till death. My husband's parents are still married after 50 years. His siblings are still married to their first/only spouses. I don't have any real close friends who have been either children of divorce, nor gone through divorce.

 

But yes, it never sat well with me. Maybe because deep down, I knew I might change in ways that would affect the marriage. I don't know. And I didn't marry young either. I'm just a very late bloomer.

[Angel1111]

I never walked away from anyone without first trying to work out the problems. So, once I realized there was no way to fix it, they had no reason to be surprised, and I never had any regrets. The only thing I regret is not being more selective about who I let into my life because those relationships ended up costing me a lot of years that I could've spent on a more productive relationship.